I'm more afraid than ever in my life

[MexicanMalena]

My mother is a wonderful human being that was diagnosed with BC in 2008, it was sudden and devastating at the same time. She underwent surgery, chemo, and radiotherapy like a champ. In 2010 she was diagnosed with NASH and that was scary.... I read everything I could get my hands on and learned. She took care of her health.

 

In 2019 she fell down the stairs of the house... twice. she complained of backpain afterwards and, of course, we took her to the doctor. BC Mets was the diagnosis. I refused the diagnosis and took her for a PET scan. Two results were given, contradictory to each other, but back she went to chemo and radio. Again, like a champ.

 

Then, the day she finished her chemo, covid hit our country and we were sequestered. Since she was fresh out of chemo, we did not want to risk it and indoors we went. No final control Xray or anything, Covid took precedent.

 

Then Pfizer launched their vaccine. Hope. The promise of not dying of covid. and mom got vaccinated, twice. Both Pfizer because it was the best one available to us. One month later to the "t" she began coughing. nonstop.

 

We wanted to do something special to cheer her up and we ordered take out. Someone did not wash their hands and mom got enteritis, She started bleeding. We managed to control it but now, she has ascites, she's lost 60% of her weight, she can't breathe, eat, be independent, she is laying on her bed all day everyday.

 

She WAS weak from the chemo, it took a big toll on her, but Covid... The first diagnosis was "covid vaccination syndrome" I contacted pfizer... "WTH:" all they did was give me a case number. wow! that will work wonders...

 

I am 55, never married, no children. My sister is the same, we are blessed to be able to care for mom and to be here when she needs us. I know that at my age, I can only grow older and start my own death process. but I do NOT WANT TO LOOSE MY MOM!!

 

I also know that this is an event that every single daughter in creation will go through at some point. I know that in about 20 years I will be working on my own exit (if not sooner) My mind knows all this and yet I can't breathe. I do not want to loose her. I want to be able to reach out to her and talk to her.

 

My mind is creating stupid scenarios. She is on the way to gramma's house, we will come afterwards, as soon as school is over. -My heart feel -some comfort. I know I am cheating myself. Friends tell me: Get yourself a professional death doctor. (tanatologist) or whatever it's spelled What for? to tell her as soon as mom leaves i will start smoking? (my gen donor has a family that is ridden with cancer of all kinds) so my guess is that cancer will be my ticket out.

 

to tell her that I will not get any cancer treatment once I am diagnosed? If I ever am? I'd rather talk to you guys. My mom is wasting away and there -.seems, I can't stop it no matter how hard I try or want to.

Damn covid. however it appeared, IDC if it was one idiot eating soup or another creating a perfect weapon. Damn you both. I hope you both died ot that sh.

 

 

[reader]

Dear Malena,

You've been through so much with your mom and it's understandable that you want to help her and keep her with you and your sister as long as possible. That's what I would want too. It's so hard to understand life and why it's so unfair and why some people have to suffer so much. I hate Covid and what it has done to so many people.

Please know we are here to listen and offer any support we can.

Thinking of you.