Late stage grieving?

[I_noura99]

 

I lost my mom 8 years ago to breast cancer.. I was 15 years old at that time. 

I'm the biggest daughter to 3 older brothers and 1 little sister. So, I swallowed my sadness and I always acted normal around them 'cause I didn't want them to feel sad for me and everyone was looking at me as their " 2nd mom" even though I was 15 at that time! 

I didn't talked about my mom with anyone of them I even stopped crying after 3 days of her death. 

Until 2017, 2 of my brothers got married and I entered college so I became a little bit lonely since my brothers were my only friends and we were always have our special things to do together but since they got married they got busy with their new lives, so with the college stresses and feeling a little lonely I slowly began to get depressed but I was always denying it 'cause "I'm the strongest person on this family and I must be!" 

On 2018, I failed for my first time ever (I was an A's student) there were no one besides me and I really missed her, everyone was telling me that it was okay and I will pass the 2nd time but I know that if she is here she will discipline me and push me to not only pass but also getting the full mark. I really knew and wished she was there. 

I missed talking to her about the silliest things on my life, talking about all my problems I miss her so much more than I can express. 

I still miss here everyday, and I still find trouble crying or express my feeling which is really annoying since I can't even say the things I want to say

until this day, I fear people reaction like I fear them seeing me crying, I always wanted to look tough even though I'm weaker than they could imagine.. 

until this day, I fear being happy and I fear death and losing someone I love 

[reader]

Dear I_noura99,

Please know that everything you are thinking and feeling is normal and natural. Sometimes we get messages from our family that in the long run do not help us. It's important to express your feelings and thoughts and know that you are heard. Your feelings matter too. It's hard trying to be the strong one. We all do our best but it's okay to talk about your mom and your feelings now too.

It might help to try and talk to a grief counsellor or join a support group to talk about your thoughts. And know that you are not alone in your feelings. I know many of us feel the same way. It's really hard wearing a mask for our friends and families. But there are good people that will understand and help you.

Thinking of you.