Problems with adult son

[KateOGuinn]

3 years ago my husband of 40 years died.  My adult son moved back home to help, we have a small farm operation, one that will ultimately be his.

 After my husband died, I admittedly went thru a period of about a year of “widow brain”, forgetfulness, foggy brained.  misplacing things, missing deadlines. 

My son decided then , I was really  losing it and now treats me as if I were going senile.  He lectures me like I was a child, talks down to me in ways he never would when his father was alive.  Yes, I lose my keys, or misplace my glasses.  Sometimes I leave the butter dish out……that’s not because I’m 66 and senile, it’s because I’m 66 and I’ve always lost track of stuff, and I certainly don’t need a lecture from him about why I need to put the butter away…..

Also I’m a creature of habit, and his Dad and I had our idiosyncrasies, ones that we were quite comfortable with, and served us nicely.  We were old hippies.  My son always craved “ normalcy”. So  now I have ‘odd’ behaviors, that I need to change.

 No more walking in the garden at 3 am in my granny nightgown and crocs when I can’t sleep to look at the moon, no more cranking up ancient rock and roll to full blast decibels to scrub down the kitchen. Do I really need to feed every stray cat in the neighborhood?  And yes, I will eat off of paper towels or right out of the fridge, rather than dirty a dish.

 Every half finished project of mine is another example, to him, of my inability, to focus…..not just one more half finished project,  in a lifetime of projects that some, never get totally done.

 I can argue about it, but it never ends well.  I end up getting angry , frustrated and crying and feeling gaslit, while he oh-so-patiently explains why I just shouldn’t do…..whatever.  It’s all the more frustrating because these things aren’t new, I just don’t have his Dad to back me up 

And I think my son really does think he’s just taking care of me.

I don’t want to be taken care of, and I don’t want to change how I do things.

At the same time, this is now his home too, and I do need his help.  This a 2 person operation and it’s his inheritance. 

Last time I felt like this, I was a teenager and I ran away from home.  The notion is so tempting……

 

 

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, KateOGuinn said:

So  now I have ‘odd’ behaviors, that I need to change.

Says who?  Your son?  Not up to him to run your life!

It sounds like your son needs some boundaries, where to help, where not to interfere.  You need to explain to him that you've always gone out in the moonlight when you couldn't sleep!

[DWS]

I am so sorry for the tremendous loss of your husband and also this turbulence you are now facing with the changed environment of having your son living with you who, by the sounds of it, has a need to change you into someone else. You've already lost so much. The last thing you need is to feel you can't be yourself anymore. Part of this could be a generational thing. His need for seriousness, control, and image. Hopefully you are able to gain some ground with this while also, perhaps, coming to some compromises....maybe some toned-down Joni Mitchell or Carole King during those 3am kitchen cleanings. 

It saddens me that he's missing out on the splendour of you. The stray cats still need you. They always know where to find a good human. You sound like such an awesome person!

[Roseapple]

I can say some of my parents habits drive me nuts as well. I admit I also tend to “give them my take on it”. Which also often results in friction. As a grown up having your own rules and ways of the house, for both sides it’s hard to accept. If it’s room mates, couples or family. If the views on how to run a house and how to be comfortable don’t align it will always result in friction or one party being unhappy. There are three options, 1. Find a compromise 2. One moves out 3. Keep as is/accept 

Maybe you could sit down with him, when both of you are in a relaxed state and talk about it. You can tell him how he makes you feel, that you both are just different kind of people, you are thankful for him being there for you. He might feel over protective, he lost one parent. Maybe he needs assurance that no you are not turning senile, you are just an hippy and have other rules and views 😉

[Roxeanne]

It's mysterious how   sons are the exact opposite of their parents sometimes...

I don't like that young people are so normal...i think that the youngster without dreams are a sad thing...so i understand you and your wish to run away from him....

 

[KateOGuinn]

Yeah, I’ve tried the ‘rational discussion’ approach.   The thing is, we have different values.  

And his are “main stream”.  

I don’t give a flying leap if the neighbors are closer now and can see me in the garden in my grannygown…..he thinks it’s inappropriate ( trust me, its not ).  The stray cats pee on his tires….so, better they should starve.   The wildflower meadow, an unmowed, “wayback” area is an ‘eyesore’ and mowed down with the rest of the yard.
20 year old sourdough cultures are a biohazard that get tossed in a refrigerator purge

  We *never* gave a hoot for what someone thought…..and that has *always* bothered him.   It feels as if he believes that now, he has the leverage to, insist on his version of normal.  
And again, my sense of anger is stoked because he would never, talk down to me when his Dad was here.

I’m gonna have to move, huh?

 

 

 

[Roseapple]

If anything he should move if he can’t accept it, it’s your house? He should really understand how his behavior hurts you. Sending love from across the ocean ❤️

[widower2]

Kate, I'm so sorry for your loss. As for your son, as others have said, any time people live together - whether it's friends, spouses, or mother and (adult) son, whatever, the key word is compromise. Since you tried talking to him and it didn't end well, maybe it would go better if you wrote a letter, or email, or text, whatever. That can be better and easier, because you can both compose your thoughts and think about what you say more before saying it, esp if something hits a nerve. But I would certainly try communicating somehow before taking the drastic step of either kicking him out or moving yourself - or just living this way.

It's total BS that he thinks he has any right to "run the show." This is YOUR HOUSE. And talking down to you in any way is way out of line, even if it's with the best of intentions - if my kid (adult or not) ever talked down to me regardless of circumstances, I'd rip him a new one. He has no right to such an attitude. None. Further, you're the one who's lived here all this time and are understandably used to doing things your way. It's ridiculously unfair to expect you to totally change. 

That said, I don't think it's fair that you always get your way either, which I'm sure you get (again: compromise), so maybe the devil's in the details. Reading down the list of things you mention, I generally agree with you, but admittedly not in everything. For example, if you like the wildflowers, tell him - don't ask him, TELL him - not to mow it down. If he can't handle that, there's the door. On the other hand, blasting your music sky high isn't considerate of him to be honest, so if you really want to crank it, wear headphones, or wait till he's not around. Again, compromise. As for the cats, it's great that you're helping animals, but is enabling strays - strays which may not only pee on his car but possibly jump up on the hood and scratch it or be a nuisance in other ways - necessarily the answer? If these cats come around often enough (and esp if it's at semi-predictable times), how about calling up the local SPCA or similar and see if they can capture them and find them a good home? etc.

8 hours ago, KateOGuinn said:

It feels as if he believes that now, he has the leverage to, insist on his version of normal.  

Then you need to clue him in that he is in error. Again: YOUR house. Lower the boom. In some way shape or form, explain that he must accept that sometimes you will do things your way and if he doesn't like it, get over it or move out. I get that you need help with the place, but what about selling it and going elsewhere? Not what you want I'm sure and difficult to say the least, but is going on like this till your end of days better? 

argh. No easy answers. I'm sorry for this additional hassle and stress he is putting on you. I had to deal with my beloved's daughters from hell (and her ex, whose kids they were) from the time she was sick, through her passing and even afterwards and it was like pouring an entire salt mine into the wound. I wish you best of luck with this. 

[widower2]

 

10 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

I don't like that young people are so normal..

In what country is that true?