It has been 2 years and I still feel broken

[Bruna]

My dog passed away in 2020 and I still feel raw inside.
There are times when my onedrive will show me photos of my Nick as memories and I just cry my eyes out like it happened yesterday.
Today (2022-July-28), my sister decided to prank me and put a photo of herself as wallpaper on my phone.
I don't know, maybe she really didn't notice, but she replaced my favorite photo of my dog with herself. I just freaked out, started yelling and cursing because I don't have that photo anywhere else. I know I overreacted, I just couldn't control myself. I think everybody thought I wasn't so broken anymore, since I stopped talking about him. I didn't want to bore people anymore, nobody was grieving like me. Before, I needed to talk about him all the time, so I would'nt forget anything, you know? But it has come to a point where it was so painful to watch people around pretend everything was normal, when I felt like being trapped into this cage of constant pain. So I stopped talking.
Now, when I asked my sister to put the right photo back, a picture I didn't have anymore, she told me I was a crybaby, called me selfish, sensitve and spoiled, because I was screaming and crying. I want to apologize for my reaction, but it's like someone just opened the gate I was guarding. I'm so tired of pretending that eveything is ok... I'm going to therapy, but the bad thoughts never really went away, I'm just hiding them at this point.
I just wanted to vent in a safe space. It just hurt when I tried to express my grief and people dismissed, because it has been 2 years. I feel so alone.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Bruna said:

Now, when I asked my sister to put the right photo back, a picture I didn't have anymore, she told me I was a crybaby, called me selfish, sensitve and spoiled, because I was screaming and crying.

Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it:  Your sister is being an insensitive rhymes-with-witch.  How cruel and cold she is being.  Is it possible to distance yourself from her for now?  She's just so wrong.

6 hours ago, Bruna said:

I want to apologize for my reaction, but it's like someone just opened the gate I was guarding.

You have nothing to apologize for--nothing!  How could you react otherwise?  Our grief is always there, even years later.  It's like a wound that scabs and scars over, but can open up when we least expect it.  At times, something that seems small to others is enormous to us.

7 hours ago, Bruna said:

I'm so tired of pretending that eveything is ok... I'm going to therapy, but the bad thoughts never really went away,

If you've been going to therapy for a while, but don't feel it's really helping, do you think you might need a different therapist?  I haven't been to therapy, but I do know that sometimes a new perspective can help.

7 hours ago, Bruna said:

I just wanted to vent in a safe space. It just hurt when I tried to express my grief and people dismissed, because it has been 2 years. I feel so alone.

This is a safe space and you are not alone.  Being here has helped me so much; I hope it helps you too.

[KayC]

I am so sorry she did that insensitive thing!  Usually if it's on your phone, it'll still be there, but may need someone to help you find it.  I went through that with my Arlie, I still have his picture on my phone.  Some things are sacred and not someone else's place to touch.

[KarenWinston]

Sorry for your loss. I feel your pain ❤️

[Gary55]

It certainly wasn't her place to do that. I have Goldie's picture on my main screen, it's been 19 months now. It will stay there forever. I can relate to how you feel. I have a new companion now, and she's lovely but she's not Goldie. I think of him every second of the day. I'm a different person now, I feel so lost without him. I've stopped speaking to some people now who just don't get it. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Gary55 said:

she's lovely but she's not Goldie

I understand.  I figure Arlie is gone and Kodie is here and it's a tribute to Arlie all the things about him that were special and unique, just as Kodie has his unique qualities.  I miss him still...I always will.

[Eternalsoul]

@Bruna you are NOT a crybaby, sensitive, spoiled or any of those things. I would have reacted the same way or even worse. 

Some people will never understand. That's just the way some people are. They'll never understand pain until they experience it. Is there anyway you can look on your drive on your phone to see if the photo is still there? 

[Bruna]

On 7/29/2022 at 2:05 AM, foreverhis said:

Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it:  Your sister is being an insensitive rhymes-with-witch.  How cruel and cold she is being.  Is it possible to distance yourself from her for now?  She's just so wrong.

You have nothing to apologize for--nothing!  How could you react otherwise?  Our grief is always there, even years later.  It's like a wound that scabs and scars over, but can open up when we least expect it.  At times, something that seems small to others is enormous to us.

If you've been going to therapy for a while, but don't feel it's really helping, do you think you might need a different therapist?  I haven't been to therapy, but I do know that sometimes a new perspective can help.

This is a safe space and you are not alone.  Being here has helped me so much; I hope it helps you too.

Thank you so much for your reply! Really. I was feeling so bad after my rant, I kept revisiting my conversation with my sister, in order to see where I could have reacted better (I hate screaming and there I was doing it...).

At the end, I did apologize to her for screaming, but I stood my ground saying what she did was wrong and I wouldn't apologize for being hurt that a beloved photo was taken from me. I will always treasure every toy, or little pair of shoes that was my dog's. The same goes for all my photos. I did get to convince myself after that my feelings were valid, I just exposed them in a poor manner, so overwelmed that I was. Sincerely, I wouldn't mind not talking to her for awhile. We are opposites in a lot of things, and if we weren't sisters, I wouldn't talk to her at all.

About therapy... I also think that a change of perspective would be nice, especially if I could find one that specializes in grief/mourning. But it is just so hard to connect with a therapist, and it can be pretty expensive too. My boyfriend is helping me by paying for it (I'm unemployed), and I don't want to add to his financial troubles with a more expensive therapist. I feel bad already with the current one (that is quite affordable). I'm trying to get a job, and when I do, I will just throw my money in therapy if it will help me (I've tried some prescribed meds, but unfortunately, they don't give a person motivation to live) 
 

[Bruna]

On 7/30/2022 at 8:34 PM, Eternalsoul said:

@Bruna you are NOT a crybaby, sensitive, spoiled or any of those things. I would have reacted the same way or even worse. 

Some people will never understand. That's just the way some people are. They'll never understand pain until they experience it. Is there anyway you can look on your drive on your phone to see if the photo is still there? 

Thank you for your reply! I never talk about how I'm feeling because I don't expect people to understand. But I thought that my sister sort of understood me, because Nick grew up with us. He was our dog, after all. After I apologized for screaming, I vowed to myself not to think about her until she apologizes for calling me those things. I dont really expect that she will, she never did before.

I was looking for it, but there are so many photos and videos all mixed together. I have to take down this mental barrier that pushes down bad feelings, so I can function throughout the day. And looking through the pics still hurts, especially the ones from right before his passing. Even now, it hurts just thinking about it.

But thank you again for taking your time reading my rant
 

[Bruna]

On 7/29/2022 at 7:56 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry she did that insensitive thing!  Usually if it's on your phone, it'll still be there, but may need someone to help you find it.  I went through that with my Arlie, I still have his picture on my phone.  Some things are sacred and not someone else's place to touch.

Thank you for your reply! What happened was that a bunch of photos got lost when my notebook stopped working. I had an old phone with the photo as wallpaper, but I didn't have the archive itself. When I got my new phone, I transferred everything through NFC connection (It transferred the config, and customizations, but not the photo, since I didn't have it). That's why I freaked out, I guess. 

And I agree with you, some things are not to be touched, especially if it is connected to our hearts.

I hope my Nick and your Arlie can be friends in dog heaven   

On 7/29/2022 at 5:20 PM, KarenWinston said:

Sorry for your loss. I feel your pain ❤️

Thank you for your reply! I'm trying to feel better, and I hope you feel too!

[Bruna]

On 7/30/2022 at 5:34 AM, Gary55 said:

It certainly wasn't her place to do that. I have Goldie's picture on my main screen, it's been 19 months now. It will stay there forever. I can relate to how you feel. I have a new companion now, and she's lovely but she's not Goldie. I think of him every second of the day. I'm a different person now, I feel so lost without him. I've stopped speaking to some people now who just don't get it. 

Thank you for your reply! That was also my plan. When I'm ready, I will look through my things to try finding this one photo. I also have a new companion now, she is a rescue, so she has quirks I don't know yet. She is funny and very cute, but it will never be the same. Just like you, there is not a day that I don't think about my Nick. Every single day.

At the beggining I was so lost that I abandoned my graduate studies. I couldn't get anything done, lost motivations even to get out of bed. I was with him until the very last minute. It was surreal after that. I think I spent 3 days without sleeping and eating in the first week after his passing. I just did get some sleep when my boyfriend came to visit and basically put me to bed watched me eat.

I also feel like a different person. I think I'm colder towards people, my temper is shorter too. I don't experience happiness like before (things seem more muted, like there is no point in enjoying things). There is a very important part missing in my soul.

When things get really hard, and it seems like the weight of the world is on my back, I try to read something magical, just to disconnect from bad thoughts. It has helped a little.
I hope that we get to feel less lost someday.   
   

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Bruna said:

I hope my Nick and your Arlie can be friends in dog heaven   

My Arlie got along with other dogs well but a lot of them challenged him as he was a huge alpha, but he never laid claim to it, and they'd attack him without warrant...he never bit back.  His best friend was a lab, she is still alive and I know she misses hanging out with him under the cedar tree.

15 hours ago, Bruna said:

When things get really hard, and it seems like the weight of the world is on my back, I try to read something magical, just to disconnect from bad thoughts. It has helped a little.
I hope that we get to feel less lost someday.  

Yes.