Down time

[1050_harley]

I have lied to myself telling myself it's okay I am healing Im getting better but just this morning I woke up and I felt this overwhelming sadness and I can't explain the exact feeling but it made me cry until I cried no more until my eyes were burning yet empty of tears so I get up and I do my usual cleaning duties Hoping it will take my mind off my wife but it didn't work so I sit outside in the sunlight with a can of solo and a cigarette and again I begin to cry and weep yet no tears Fall from my eyes I want to cry but I am empty of tears.. it's a day of thinking about the good times I had with my wife and all the times I saw her smile but in the back of my mind I can't help but think about the day she was cremated a beautiful soul just gets burned I love her and I grieve for her and my heart is broken beyond measure this really really hurts me and I do not know what to do anymore and I do not know my path in life or whatever I'm simply not meant to be apart of this world anymore... I remember what her ex boyfriends mother called me just days after she died that I am a cheat that I abused her and I never loved her and I used her for money and a car those words stained into my brain and it makes it so much worse especially when she one time did cheat on me and said it was retaliation for me cheating on her which I never did I take that to my grave but regardless she is gone and I can never see her again nothing can bring her back to me and it's killing me I need to not lie to myself by saying it's all okay when it really is not.

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

I remember what her ex boyfriends mother called me just days after she died that I am a cheat that I abused her and I never loved her and I used her for money and a car

Please put those words out of your mind and heart and if she EVER calls again, do not answer, in fact, BLOCK her!  She is an EX's mom, that says enough!  

I have the hope of being with my husband again after I pass and I believe that all that happened is his body gave out but our love remains and THAT is what I go with!

[1050_harley]

How do you be strong about it? It seems impossible with me I can't lie to myself anymore I just try to face reality and the truth of what really happened. I killed my wife, not literally but In the months leading up to her death I drove her insane I feel as though I made her want to die therefore she stopped taking her life saving medication and she let herself go and I'm the blame nothing can seem to change my mind about that and about what exactly I witnessed when she actually died.

[KayC]

Strong about it?  Ha, you didn't know me in the early years!  I was anything but!  52 years old and a basket case.  But that's kind of how it is in early grief!  Maybe she didn't want to die so much as she resigned herself to it under the circumstances.  I just know it's important to not beat yourself up over it, have you watched the video on guilt?

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving

and this video is helpful as well:

 

[Roseapple]

@1050_harley I get you. The not feeling part of the world anymore, no direction, no goal. It’s been about 8 month for me now. There is no gradual line that goes from feeling terrible to better. It goes up and down, in circles in Zickzack back and forth. It’s the hardest thing I ever had to get through. Grief will never disappear, we will grow around it. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself. There are no shortcuts and no way avoiding the feelings you will go through. All you can do is take a step at a time. Keep going. Feel what you need to feel. One day at a time. Don’t be to strict or to demanding towards yourself. Set little goals per day (go out for a walk, clean up the kitchen, take a shower and shave, go shopping), achievable things that cost you more energy than usual. Try to rebuild routines. It is okay how you feel, your emotions are valid, it is a terrible heartbreaking situation, if that does not justifying feeling your worst, what does? Keep going the rest will follow ❤️

[1050_harley]

Thank you roseapple I truly appreciate you.

 

[Ronni_W]

On 7/28/2022 at 7:59 AM, 1050_harley said:

[...] I killed my wife, not literally but In the months leading up to her death I drove her insane I feel as though I made her want to die therefore she stopped taking her life saving medication and she let herself go and I'm the blame nothing can seem to change my mind about that and about what exactly I witnessed when she actually died.

1050_harley,

Mate, I know that it can feel like that is the truth, especially if there are people on the outside of us 'confirming and affirming' that it is the truth. (My now-dead husband's family did the same thing to me -- sent the cops and everything -- so I really do know.)  But, if we take that on, if we take on those false accusations against us that other people need to attack us with because they didn't do anything useful when they had the chance to do something useful, then we're letting some 'other side' win, right?

And, they (our beloved departed) wouldn't want that for us.   I don't think; do you?

Now, I wasn't able to be there for him, at his actual moment of actual death. And I *HATE* that I wasn't there. I don't know what he went through; I don't know if I might have been able to comfort him or make him feel better. I just don't know, 1050_harley. But I do know that I am not so powerful or with so much authority over the life of another as to be *actually* responsible and to blame for the fact that he died. You and I both, we have GOT to come to terms with the actual truth and fact that we are NOT that powerful over the lives (or deaths) of other people. Right?

Love and hugs, mate. Love you greatly.   Ronni

PS: Feel free to send me a PM if and/or whenever it strikes you like a thing to do.