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Learning to Navigate with the Loss within the Community and with Yourself.


RoseR

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Greetings members of Grieving.com:

My most recent loss was my mom, 81, who was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in January. of this year. She died in her home with my stepfather and half sister nearby on June 24th. My daughter and I have not  lived in the same state as the rest of our family for close to three decades. However, we visited monthly and we communicated almost daily via telephone or video chat.   

Her death has made me acutely aware of what a poor job we do in preparation of our own mortality and the grief associated with loss of a loved one or anything that had meaning to us. I do not ascribe, faithfully, to afterlife thinking and my mom jumped in and out of those ideas herself.  As an educator I realize that not everyone comes to terms  about their realities and limitations. It's interesting how we are told to focus on the moment so often that we don't get to think about the future and our own end.

My mom had a tendency to keep much about her health to herself. She was a first born war baby who was in charge of her siblings for much of  their formative years, Any indication that she might have been sick or unable to take care of things at that time would have caused chaos in her home. So, i think, she did not come right out with it because of that. When she did  inform me of her condition I realized I knew nothing about how to be in this crisis. It was surreal that her time was running out sooner than anyone had anticipate. I had to prepare myself to learn about the disease and my role in the context of my mother's abbreviated life.

I realized the community around me would have no idea what was happening in our lives so I crafted a letter  for my friends and associates, I began to participate in a small support group and I called mom two, three times a day. Two weeks after she told me of her  condition I fell and fractured my knee and tore a major muscle. I was immobilized for eight weeks and imagine, I had just called my Human Resource office and in between sobs I had inquired about Family Leave to be on call for her! 

When she died I have made it a daily practice to contact people  to let them know of her death and what it meant to me. I contacted work,  my community groups and my union. I added the funeral home link. My daughter and I added photos to her gallery. My daughter also made a lovely video using  photos and audio we were collecting for posterity.  I remembered that people wore a black ribbon or arm band and put up black bunting on their homes. This tradition goes back to the Victorian era according to some sites I researched  with the question "how to show the world you're grieving ". 

I bought materials to create my own pins and bunting. I will send thank you notes to those who expressed their condolences in one way or another. I will take my time this summer to do these things.  It is a new skin to be in and I am constantly adjusting. In one day I can have a short weeping session in the morning and then a huge sobbing session in the evening or anytime I have to remind myself that I cannot call her to share my day with her. 

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Never The Same

I understand. I lost my mother November 2021 age 69, secondhand smoke/lung cancer. I try to take it one day at a time. All is different and challenging. I have found that talking about mom helps me. I have found that not all people mean when they ask, "how are you doing?".  In my culture its custom to also place a black bow over your main entry door. I have good days and bad, some can be very sad and some suddenly I can start crying at the store, gym it doesn't matter. I let it be.

I thought I was doing fine until recently I realized I needed to find an outlet where I can express my feelings. I'm glad I did.

I wish you strength and be easy on yourself.

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