Lost my cool

[Suea]

It will be 4 month on the 19th since my hubby passed. Yesterday my dishwasher leaked all over my new floor. It was the last straw for me and I went on a rant to friends and family of how much I hate being back here and this "needy" house and want to move back to where we were happy. I also ranted of hating that my beloved is in a box. Am I am losing my grip or is this normal. I have kept it together around everyone so far but one more thing going wrong set me off. 

 

[William M]

I find that things like that push me over the edge

 

.  For the last 8 months, I've felt the need to bring order to my new life.  I have been organizing, cleaning, and repairing the home, I've been Sorting and storing, selling , or disposing of everything thing I own, and during all of  this if something goes wrong, or isn't perfect. I lose it and fall into depression.

[Suea]

@William M I am a bit OCD I like order. Frank's illness and passing has set everything out of wack. The dishwasher was the last straw. Normally I would have just taken care of the problem. Not sure why I flipped out.

[Carol34]

Suea, it takes a lot to get me to loose my cool...normally.  But lately I have found myself having meltdowns over little things that didn't go right.  Or things I can't figure out easily.  It's like I just don't need one more thing upsetting me!  There's nothing wrong with loosing it every now and then. 

William M, I find comfort in order.  Everything has to be in it's place, or I consider it to be "chaos".  I have reorganized several closets and cabinets in the past 9 months.  I redid the filing system, and keep a ledger each month, to keep track of  my finances (though there's not much to keep track of).  When Paul was in Hospice, I found myself talking a lot about how I was going to handle things after he was gone.  His sister gave me a strange look one day when I was talking about it.  I told her that I cannot control Paul's illness or when God plans to take him.  So I have to focus on something I can control in order to keep my sanity.  Now I do it so I don't have to think about this quiet, empty house, and how alone I feel some days.

[Suea]

@cmp34 you sound like my twin. Yes lack of order = chaos. I hate chaos and cannot function.  Exactly how I feel as this house crumbles around me and drains my energy and cash. The fact that no matter what I did, and I tried everything,  I couldn't make my husband better or prolong his life. Everything was out of my control. I am excellent at keeping my temper under control and put up with a lot normally. This just sent me off the deep end.

[Carol34]

@Suea It's funny that you say I'm your twin.  But a lot of what you say sounds like something I would post. 

Funny story.  I go to a couple of grief support groups.  The second time I went to one of them, a woman came in for her first time. Her husband had died 4 days before mine.  We live fairly close to each other, and even used the same funeral home.  We talked on the phone a few times, but that friendship just hasn't worked out.  At the next meeting, the woman who is in charge of  the meeting brought up the fact that we had "so much in common."  We both laughed!  As it turned out, she has piles of stuff all over her house that she doesn't want to deal with....I filed all of my paperwork, made all the calls, and updated everything during the first month.  Apparently, she's fine with chaos.  There are several other things that we are on opposite sides of too.  She's a nice lady, though.

[Suea]

One of my best friends(who passed 4 years ago) was a "nice lady" but lived in a lot of clutter it made me crazy so I stayed out of her house and car so we could remain friends.

[widower2]

7 hours ago, Suea said:

It will be 4 month on the 19th since my hubby passed. Yesterday my dishwasher leaked all over my new floor. It was the last straw for me and I went on a rant to friends and family of how much I hate being back here and this "needy" house and want to move back to where we were happy. I also ranted of hating that my beloved is in a box. Am I am losing my grip or is this normal. I have kept it together around everyone so far but one more thing going wrong set me off. 

TOTALLY normal. You are in the timeline I think is often the worst in this journey of grief...initially you have all this activity of settling affairs, funeral arrangements, people coming to see you or call or whatever, and often I think people are kind of numb about it, haven't really accepted that it's real. But a few months, people go back to their normal lives and you don't hear from them as often (some maybe not at all), and as the dust settles as time wears on, that part of you that might have been in denial is forced to face reality. So allow that there are times when things are going to set you off, even little things. That should improve over time, but it may always be there. Hell just today something reminded me of her (more to the point how I failed her) and I yelled at the top of my lungs. (Fortunately I live alone!) This just means you're human .

[Suea]

@widower2 it is somewhat comforting to know this is normal. Thank you for the explanation. It makes sense.

[Laura C.]

I've had several meltdowns since my husband died at the end of June.   Stupid little things send me right over the edge.  I have to be really careful dealing with people in stores because I'm often a hair's breadth away from losing it completely.  A couple of times I've even scared my cats.

I think it's just normal.  For me, whenever I got frustrated with something or somebody, I had my guy to help me through it.  Now I don't.

I think it's just a normal part of the evolution we go through with our significant others die and their moral support is gone. 

[Suea]

I think you're right... this whole process stinks.

[DMB]

On 7/24/2022 at 12:58 PM, Suea said:

I think you're right... this whole process stinks.

Are you a Virgo?  I am.  Some have told me I have the patience of a saint, yet when my husband died I had thoughts and feelings that I have never experienced before.  The pure anger was one of them.  It was early on as well.  I literally was ready to burn the place down had it not been for my obsession of organization and getting things finished for him, which is what I did.  After that the loneliness sets in.  I am so very sorry for your loss.  Just wanted to let you know I feel you losing it over the dishwasher is perfectly normal.  Sorry to say there may be a few more things to go wrong and you will lose it again.  Just do it and don't give a thought to what anyone else thinks.

[Suea]

I am sorry for your loss. Why yes I am a Virgo. I have also heard I have the patience of a saint. I tend to go to anger  before I go to sadness.  Maybe because I stuff the hurt till it explodes. I can't stand disorder, chaos or unfinished business. I like things neat orderly and tied up in a bow. 

It didn't go that way with my husband's long illness and eventual death. So I was in a state of turmoil much of the time because everything was out of my control. I also wanted to burn the house down after he died! Funny you should say that.

Everything you just described is what I am going through and in that order. You are most definitely a Virgo.

[April Ballou]

But my thing is I don't like crying around people.  For some reason when I get ngry I cry.  But there are alot of things that make me cry since my husband passed away.  I hold it in until I'm alone.  I find myself staying at home alone.   But I can't afford to go places.   

[Suea]

@April Ballou right now I prefer to stay at home. It takes a lot of energy to go out and smile. Energy that I don't have currently. 

[NiquesMom]

I understand the organizing, cleaning and anger. Its been 7 weeks today. Some days I can function almost normally. Today.....i hate the world. I think it is trying to deal with the insurance and medical bills, and i just want to scream "leave me alone, he is dead!"  It didnt work, he didnt come home and I just am so sad and lonely and trying to be a good mom to our 9 year old. I just feels overwhelmed and wish someone else could be the adult.

[April Ballou]

@NiquesMom I am so sorry that your having to deal with everything at once.  I remember when I had to.  It was the hardest thing I ever did. 

[Suea]

1 hour ago, NiquesMom said:

I understand the organizing, cleaning and anger. Its been 7 weeks today. Some days I can function almost normally. Today.....i hate the world. I think it is trying to deal with the insurance and medical bills, and i just want to scream "leave me alone, he is dead!"  It didnt work, he didnt come home and I just am so sad and lonely and trying to be a good mom to our 9 year old. I just feels overwhelmed and wish someone else could be the adult.

I understand. I jumped through hoops to try to extend his life which didn't work,  and then afterward with SS cutting my income, medical bills,  his bills, my bills,  insurance etc etc. I am fighting mad that he is gone and with the aftermath that was dumped on me.

I am so sorry you are going through this too and with a young hurting child. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.

[foreverhis]

On 7/21/2022 at 6:45 PM, widower2 said:

TOTALLY normal. You are in the timeline I think is often the worst in this journey of grief...initially you have all this activity of settling affairs, funeral arrangements, people coming to see you or call or whatever, and often I think people are kind of numb about it, haven't really accepted that it's real. But a few months, people go back to their normal lives and you don't hear from them as often (some maybe not at all), and as the dust settles as time wears on, that part of you that might have been in denial is forced to face reality. So allow that there are times when things are going to set you off, even little things. That should improve over time, but it may always be there. Hell just today something reminded me of her (more to the point how I failed her) and I yelled at the top of my lungs. (Fortunately I live alone!) This just means you're human .

I could not agree more.  At about 6 months, I thought I was starting to take baby steps forward.  I suppose I was, but the reality started setting in and suddenly it felt like the first day again.  How could the rivers keep flowing, the oceans keep churning, and the sun crest through the sky without John here?  It wasn't that the people in our/my life didn't care or weren't there for me.  They did and they were, but obviously not the same as at first because their worlds did keep on flowing, while I felt as if I was in a bubble, drifting and separate and unconnected to reality.

As my grief has evolved, it's become easier to carry as I find a life I can live without John by my side.  My life was immensely better with him and I know I will never be happy in the same way again, but I no longer feel that every smile and laugh and moment of happiness is a betrayal.  It took nearly 3 years to start to believe that and another year to put it into practice.  By that I mean that I actually had to remind myself that it's okay to find what joy I can and to actively look for even the smallest things.  Some days are still unbelievably hard.  I suspect it will always be that way.  That's the way of such deep, lasting grief.