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boyfriend died in my living room. i cant go in there. what is wrong with me


LORISWEET

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my boyfriend died in my apartment while i was at work. i came home and found him and i cant get that vision out of my head. i cant even go into my living room anymore because the vision of him there is so strong. what am i afraid of?

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I don't know that it's fear of any particular thing but definitely holds trauma memory for you as it's a reminder of that horrible day...i

May I ask how long it has been?

I am so sorry for your loss!  I am glad, that you found your way here, it helps to read and post, helps you process your grief.  It's good to know there are people here that get it and understand, even if we can't change it.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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it happened June 27. i had to clean up the mess the police left and the blood.  maybe a part of me is a bit afraid. and i really want that vision of finding him out of my head but it just wont go. i  have to work everyday or i would go crazy hibernating in my bedroom. i was homeless for almost 7 years. i finally got a place and fixed it up to where it was my sanctuary and i couldnt wait to go home. now i never want to go home. its so much easier to just delay it everyday.  i cant sleep or i sleep so sound i sleep right thru my alarms (2 of them). its only been 24 days but it seems like it was yesterday sometimes. 

I used to volunteer alot. 6 years with habitat and 4 years with the red cross. there arent many opportunities to volunteer where i live and one of my favorite places to go is a lake in the national park i live close to. i just found out that the campground i love is now reservation only and there are no openings until september. that was my "go to" spot to re center myself and now thats not an option either. 

day by day is all i have.

thank you for the kind words

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Can you drive into the campground for a few minutes to sit and be?  I used to do that with Black Canyon on my way home (commuting) in the heat, it was so cool from the trees and water.

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On 7/19/2022 at 8:46 PM, LORISWEET said:

my boyfriend died in my apartment while i was at work. i came home and found him and i cant get that vision out of my head. i cant even go into my living room anymore because the vision of him there is so strong. what am i afraid of?

I really don't think it's being afraid.  I walked in and found my partner ½ in the bed and ½ in the floor. I saw that image almost everytime I looked in his room. I couldn't shut the door. Don't ask me why but that felt wrong to do. So I left it open. I would walk in the hallway and see him like that cold dead and blue. It's traumatizing.  It's shocking. So you're not afraid.  Youre traumatized and still in shock. You know he would never hurt you. Right? I couldn't go in his room for a while. I was needing to clean his things up and give them to his daughter.  But I couldn't make myself go in there. I guess one day that's what I said to myself. I was traumatized by finding him like thst. It was shocking and I have to face the fact that he's not in there. I have to realize that's the past and I am in the present. Have you ever seen ppl with rubber bands around theit wrist. Well those are usually to help them shock there bodies and minds that they are in the here and now. It's a form of treatment for PTSD and a various of other mental health issues. I can't remember what its called but im sure you can find out. It could be helpful to you in this instance. When you start to go back to that day or that thought or vision. It could be a kinda help to you. Maybe for a while. It's not a definite answer but it could help you be able to first walk I'm there. With the love in your heart that you know he'd never hurt you. To help you. Something to help realize that you are not there in that moment. It is today and you are without him but he's not there anymore.  I finally quit seeing him like that. I'd just see an empty room and know that he's not coming back and honestly I don't know what was worse the seeing him or the reality that he isn't there and he will never be there again. I was finally able to go into his room with the understanding in me that he loved me hes not here and I have to go forward. There will never be a go on or getting over it. Which ppl say and it's horrible to hear. I'm moving forward 😌.  I'm not a Dr by no means but I have PTSD and that is enough to realize the shock of finding John and of you finding your bf is traumatizing.  I'm not going to lie to you it's going to effect you for the rest of your life. It will always be with you but you've got to learn how to control what control it has over you. I'm telling you from experience not just with the shock of finding John but with the other reasons I have PTSD.  You have the right to take it's power away. Don't let it have the power to take anything from you. Don't let it occupy all of that space in your head. Put it in a locked filing cabinet in your brain. Every once in a while it will fly out and will come back to you but this is where I would suggest getting a therapist.  No I'm not saying be put on meds like so many ppl want because you're acting depressed. There's a BIG difference between being depressed and going through grief. There's a lot of ppl who are miss diagnosed with depression for grief. Just talk with a professional and if they try to miss diagnose your grief for depression let them know I'm grieving of course I'm going to be depressed but I'm not clinically depressed I need help with my grief. That just what I would suggest. I'm sorry that you lost your love and that you're having a rough time with it. Please continue to keep us informed of how you are doing. I will even come on here and talk about my day. Just off the wall stuff that's happening and in my life and I'm having to go through it without him. We WILL listen and be here for you. We don't  know what you are going through personally but we understand the grief of losing your loved one

Diane

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Thank you so much for responding. i cant tell you how much i appreciate just the acknowledgement that im ok. That there is nothing wrong with me.  I get so upset when i just break into tears everytime i talk about him .And just now when I read your kind words.  Our relationship wasnt perfect. But i loved him and i know he loved me. It seems so brutal. So final. And I wasnt ready to let him go. 

I have heard about the rubberband thing. Cant remember the name of the concept but it makes sense.  I will study the subject and try it.  Im so proud of you that you have taken ypur situation and used it to help others.  Yourt kind words have really helped me. Thank you.  I hope in the future I can do the same.

Lori

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