Last words were not good

[Lisa Sunny]

I lost my boyfriend on the 4th of July. I left a week prior to his passing. I said things that I didn't mean before I left... all of which were contextual. He died a bit over a year ago. I cannot move on. There are people that blame me; most importantly his family. I'm hurting regularly. 

[KMkm]

Don't be to hard on yourself.  Sometimes people blame others cause they need to focus their pain elsewhere.  I never sat with my wife and talked about all the fun things we did.  I instead tried to find ways to save her and to solve the problem.  I regret a lot and I can't get over it.  You think he doesn't know how you feel but he hears you know and understands.  Just talk to him like he's standing right beside you and tell him anything you feel he should know.  Grieving is hard and please try to not make it harder with regrets and guilt.  I suffer from those feeling and it makes it harder to keep moving forward.  Just take small steps and stay strong.

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  They say we lose them in the middle of life and that is part of what you were doing....just living, responding, no way could you have known he'd die!  I hope you are not beratting yourself, it doesn't take anything for "family" to disappear when they die.  They are experiencing their own loss, I know it hurts, but I hope you can put aside thoughts of them for a bit and realize you have your own loss and the pain is deep.  Nothing can prepare us for this deep grief.

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Goforth860]

 

On 7/19/2022 at 12:05 AM, Lisa Sunny said:

I lost my boyfriend on the 4th of July. I left a week prior to his passing. I said things that I didn't mean before I left... all of which were contextual. He died a bit over a year ago. I cannot move on. There are people that blame me; most importantly his family. I'm hurting regularly. 

I'm sorry  I haven't learned how to quote yet but what I was mainly wanting to quit was  "there are ppl that blame me; mostly his family"

 

I want let you know that I would never say I know how you feel because no one  can have or ever will feel what you feel I can say I feel for your loss. With that said I can understand some of the aspects of the comment. We lost John on Feb 28th. I honestly believe he died the 27th of a heart attack  but I didn't check on him and when I went to wake him up he was gone. I see that picture in my head. It will never leave me. His family were all there for me and then less than a mth his mother turned on me. Which I can understand her thinking a lil. John portrayed me as a crazy on meds and a crazy person at in the past. Byt in the past 2 ½ years it had been great. So shes kept im crazy in her had ever since. Now his daughter stayed with me kinda sorta for a lil while. I was still able to have them bring me my granddaughter through his daughter. No blood but both his daughter and his granddaughter I considered mine as well. I had been around them since she had just turned 7. But was with John before she turned 9. That's a long time. Not as many year as some on this forum. But its still a considerable amount of time. But after the first cpl mths his daughter and I were pressured. She loved me and wanted to be here for me and then her grandmother got in her ear and she sent me a really long text. She was telling me how I used John and that I killed him the day he met me. Really horrible things. Things that were not true and were pretty much opinions of me. I lived with John everyday about. He was my constant. After this msg I told her that I didn't want to come of wrog.so I would really like a chance to think it over and get back to her. See normally she would've said what she had to say and blocked you. So I  thought and I thought what i needed to say to her and I felt as if I needed to let them in on John's point of view.  I wrote so much that msgr wouldn't let me put single letter. So I sent that one and 2 more after it. I didn't get mean or nasty. I simply told then the truth through John's eyes. I knew that man as well as I knew myself. We talked all the time about any and everything.  We were each other's ppl. Well after she read it and blocked me I went to the police station to get a copy of the police report because she had informed me in her msg that I was under investigation until the autopsy report comes back. I asked when the Sgt came out and handed me a blank report  whys she saying that I'm under investigation.  He said if you were you would've seen one of us by now. The cop that was at my house was out there leg kicked around the other arms crossed glaring at me. I thought in an instant they're trying  to have me incriminate myself I said thank you and left. I have known investigations to go on for 20 years before they knock on your door. So i do understand the family blaming you part but how you feel no one's hurt or story will be anything like how you feel or what you're going through.  It's hard everyday waiting for them to knock on my door but I can't think about that I've got way too much other stuff thst is happing now to contend with. If they do I'll be totally honest with them as soon as they knock.

Please stay strong. Do you best to eat and drink plenty of fluids. At a time like this we tend to get depressed and not want to do anything for our selves.  We're too busy being there for others but I say if you don't take care of yourself how can you take care of someone else 

 

Diane

[Lisa Sunny]

Thank you, friends. This information, feedback... it's very helpful. I'm sorry that any of us have to be privy to such a forum, and yet hate we are in solidarity. 

I believe I'm in my anger stage, which took over a year to come to fruition. 

In my mind, I have many man words that I want to spew at those that blame me. Outwardly, though, if never do that. At the same time, ironically, I'd never do what others (the "blamers") are doing to me. 

Sadly, they're doing nothing and never have. No apologies, no condolences... it's as if I never existed in Eric's life. I DID! 

[KayC]

It's hard to understand their anger because it's senseless, but anger often comes from grief and it's easier for them to blame someone than to just feel their grief.  That's looking at it logically, practically speaking...but from an emotional standpoint, it's impossible to understand, esp.. when you're the target.  All I can say is I hope you stay away from them.  Right now you need to honor yourself, your own grief, put yourself first.  I'm sorry you're going tthrough this.

[Goforth860]

I do understands that though Lisa Sunny. The wanting to spew the hatred at them that they are at you. About how thety weren't there while he was alive and he told you how much it hurt him. That he wanted them in his life but they chose when he was relevant in the times of their lives. That you were there just like I was 100% of the time. We saw them happy sad mad hurt upset any kinda emotion they went through we were there. We took care of them when they were sick. Where were they. Doing what they wanted in their own lives til they demend it fit for him to be part of it. I did say a few things in rebuttal in a msg on msgr. I shouldn't have but it really upset me. She was  telling me things like I killed her dad the day he met me. Just cruel things. So I told her politely how he cried on fathers days when she didn't call. Hell his last birthday neither his mom or daughter called him. At least he said that they didn't and he cried on my shoulder because of it. I wasn't cruel like she was to me but I did tell  her that I was there when they weren't.  I kinda wish I hadn't. But its said and done now. I can't change it but they have to reflect on the lives or should I say parts of their lives they chose to let him in and the parts they chose not to let him in or even communicate with him.

[Lisa Sunny]

Yep. It's not easy. And now I am in a disagreement with a close friend who's close with Eric's parents (the ones that won't talk to me). In a bit of drunkenness, I told her that I didn't think I could be friends with her if she continued to communicate with them. In hindsight, I realize that was a selfish and nasty thing to do. I'm in my angry phase. I guess. I had no idea that it would take me this long (1 year) to get to this stage. The sad reality is... since I haven't been talking with her, I've had more peace. I do miss her, though. Maybe I also need time before reconnecting with her. 

[Ronni_W]

On 7/29/2022 at 11:28 PM, Lisa Sunny said:

Yep. It's not easy. And now I am in a disagreement with a close friend who's close with Eric's parents (the ones that won't talk to me). In a bit of drunkenness, I told her that I didn't think I could be friends with her if she continued to communicate with them. In hindsight, I realize that was a selfish and nasty thing to do. I'm in my angry phase. I guess. I had no idea that it would take me this long (1 year) to get to this stage. The sad reality is... since I haven't been talking with her, I've had more peace. I do miss her, though. Maybe I also need time before reconnecting with her. 

Lisa Sunny,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for what you're having to suffer through your grief and after your loss.

I would offer that it is okay for you to have your own needs and feelings and boundaries for how you need and want to be treated, right now and in the future.   Because, just because we ask for, want, need and expect to be treated with kindness, thoughtfulness and consideration, it does NOT mean that we are feeling angry or experiencing anger.     I had a similar but not exactly the same experience, so, from my own, I would offer that it's not necessarily that you wanted or needed your close friend to stop communicating with Eric's parents as much as for her to just be objective and not take sides, either way. That is a reasonable, healthy and constructive thing for you to ask for, not "selfish" or "nasty".

I do also understand the "missing her" part -- rather someone, no matter if or not they are actually supportive, than no-one. (I've had that experience, also. At the end, I had to be honest with myself and say, "With 'friends' like this, I do not need any (more) enemies!" It is a sad reality...but, on the other side of that, it is okay for you to be self-caring and self-compassionate, and do what you need to do to feel, have and experience peace, hopefulness, potential for beauty and joy in your life, etc.

Love and hugs,   Ronni

[Lisa Sunny]

Ronnie, thank you for your perspective! This was extremely helpful and greatly appreciated. 

Much love, 

Sunny

[I miss you so much]

On 7/21/2022 at 12:50 PM, Goforth860 said:

 

I'm sorry  I haven't learned how to quote yet but what I was mainly wanting to quit was  "there are ppl that blame me; mostly his family"

 

I want let you know that I would never say I know how you feel because no one  can have or ever will feel what you feel I can say I feel for your loss. With that said I can understand some of the aspects of the comment. We lost John on Feb 28th. I honestly believe he died the 27th of a heart attack  but I didn't check on him and when I went to wake him up he was gone. I see that picture in my head. It will never leave me. His family were all there for me and then less than a mth his mother turned on me. Which I can understand her thinking a lil. John portrayed me as a crazy on meds and a crazy person at in the past. Byt in the past 2 ½ years it had been great. So shes kept im crazy in her had ever since. Now his daughter stayed with me kinda sorta for a lil while. I was still able to have them bring me my granddaughter through his daughter. No blood but both his daughter and his granddaughter I considered mine as well. I had been around them since she had just turned 7. But was with John before she turned 9. That's a long time. Not as many year as some on this forum. But its still a considerable amount of time. But after the first cpl mths his daughter and I were pressured. She loved me and wanted to be here for me and then her grandmother got in her ear and she sent me a really long text. She was telling me how I used John and that I killed him the day he met me. Really horrible things. Things that were not true and were pretty much opinions of me. I lived with John everyday about. He was my constant. After this msg I told her that I didn't want to come of wrog.so I would really like a chance to think it over and get back to her. See normally she would've said what she had to say and blocked you. So I  thought and I thought what i needed to say to her and I felt as if I needed to let them in on John's point of view.  I wrote so much that msgr wouldn't let me put single letter. So I sent that one and 2 more after it. I didn't get mean or nasty. I simply told then the truth through John's eyes. I knew that man as well as I knew myself. We talked all the time about any and everything.  We were each other's ppl. Well after she read it and blocked me I went to the police station to get a copy of the police report because she had informed me in her msg that I was under investigation until the autopsy report comes back. I asked when the Sgt came out and handed me a blank report  whys she saying that I'm under investigation.  He said if you were you would've seen one of us by now. The cop that was at my house was out there leg kicked around the other arms crossed glaring at me. I thought in an instant they're trying  to have me incriminate myself I said thank you and left. I have known investigations to go on for 20 years before they knock on your door. So i do understand the family blaming you part but how you feel no one's hurt or story will be anything like how you feel or what you're going through.  It's hard everyday waiting for them to knock on my door but I can't think about that I've got way too much other stuff thst is happing now to contend with. If they do I'll be totally honest with them as soon as they knock.

Please stay strong. Do you best to eat and drink plenty of fluids. At a time like this we tend to get depressed and not want to do anything for our selves.  We're too busy being there for others but I say if you don't take care of yourself how can you take care of someone else 

 

Diane

Dear Diane, thanks very much for sharing this experience. I thought I was the only one living this sort of nightmare.

I had never imagine people in real life could be so mentally ill, so perfidy. Not only you have to cope with the affliction of having lost your partner, the torment of thinking if you could have done anything more to help him,  but there are also that harmful ones that call themselves "his family".

II'm going to share my story with you. For 10 years, I've lived a very difficult life with my partner, many problems. He used to have economic problems, I've spent so much money that I'll never get back. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2021 and besides, he had other illness that was making him become disable. I had two job possibilities that meant a lot for me at that time, but I abandoned them because I wanted to be there for him, share time with him and he needed someone to take care of him. For a year, I went shopping, I cooked, cleaned, helped him. I tried to find a miracle to cure him. I bought plenty of products that could help. I bought new clothes, with all my love, because he was always cold and it was difficult for him to get dressed. No one from "his family" helped. Her daughter appeared only 3 weeks before his death. She wanted to keep him in hospital with morphine. But he had told me he didn't want to stay in the hospital. Well, I was in shock when her daughter started saying that legally I meant nothing, because we weren't married, and it was her who was going to take the decisions.But she was about to leave on holidays those days and wanted me to go to the hospital and keep her updated about her father. I told her I wouldn't go to the hospital if he stayed in (it wasn't true, but it was my way of knowing how much she cared for him)

So he left the hospital about two weeks before his death. As we lived in an apartment administrated by an association, I was forced to go out everyday and leave her daughter and ex alone with him "in privacy". I didn't want to, I didn't trust them at all. And he had said as well he didn't want to see them, but the association imposed these visits. (He was too ill and it was too late for me to look for another apartment)

I'll never forget that very first day I had to quit the apartment. In the morning, he was feeling a little better and I felt a bit of hope that the natural products I was giving to him were helping.That evening, when I came back, there was a team of fireworkers in the apartment (in France, they are called as the first medical assistance). He had fallen. And he was injured. Why had they let him get up? Why hadn't they take care of him to avoid a fall? The only thing I was sure about his situation was that he musnt' fall...  I should have taken him to the hospital, but at that moment I thought that nothing could be done, because he was very ill and I repeat, the only thing I knew was that he musn't fall.

Her daughter and ex, who were also there, left that day without caring about. It was my problem, then... From that moment, he became agonizing.

Four days before his death, her daughter said to me that they had prepared many things against me and once his father would be dead, I would have many problems.

So like you, amongst other things, they have accused me at the police and tell everyone they meet, that I mistreated my partner, that I have poisoned him, that I have stolen money from him.

I feel so angry, specially with myself, for having been so naive. I should have been stronger and since the moment he was diagnosed with cancer, i should have convinced him to move away to my country, where we would have had better living conditions and mostly, we could have lived in peace the time he had left.  I should have been strong enought to stop these people, "his family" and "the association". I should have been strong enough to continue taking care of him, but the final days I was completely broken.

Thanks for sharing your own nightmare, Goforth. It seems these sort of things happen, although in our life and in our mind, we would have never imagined them.

I send you my best wishes

 

 

[KayC]

@I miss you so much  I remember your story, how did it go, with their accusations and the police?  Praying you get through this horrible nightmare...

[I miss you so much]

On 12/18/2022 at 1:08 PM, KayC said:

@I miss you so much  I remember your story, how did it go, with their accusations and the police?  Praying you get through this horrible nightmare...

Dear KayC, thanks so much for your concern. I had no news from them since last November, maybe they've been too busy enjoying Christmas.

As for the police, no news, neither, and it seems I cannot get a copy of their complaint and accuse them of defamation.

But presently, the truth is I don't care. It's just his absence each day, like a heavy stone in the heart. It's just so many questions with no possibility of being answered.

And there are other things that I understand now and I feel so, so guilty...

Before his cancer diagnosis, we had been arguing for months, very bad. I didn't understand his behaviour, his way of being had changed.

I was living a difficult time, too, and I took it as he didn't love me and had just been using me as a financial support. Maybe it's true to some extent...I'll never know.

But he had been under high doses of prednisone as part of his medical treatment. He should have been strictly followed by the doctors, but they stopped all the appointments because of COVID.

It's only now I know about the side effects of prednisone and I feel so miserable, being so mad to him, saying so many bad things to him, and he was suffering so much...

https://prednisonepharmacist.com/side-effects-solutions/am-i-crazy/

 

It wasn't him, it was the medical treatment.

I wasn't true to him, I hurt him.

[KayC]

Oh Hon, please don't put this on yourself, you were reacting to the changes you saw, like any of us would, partly in puzzlement.  Prednisone is a last resort treatment for a reason.  It's side effects are horrific, I know, I've been on it for allergies and also my eyes when I had a cyst on the eyeball.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Sending you hugs!  Take care of yourself and do try practicing being kind to yourself, being your own best friend now that yours is away...