Question

[Suea]

My husband of 32 years passed mid March of this year. I miss him dearly and I want to talk about my life with him occasionally. I get the feeling that friends and family think I should be moving on and don't want to hear me reminiscing about him. I never go on and on even though I could. 

Now when I hear the I occasional how are you doing I take a breath and say "fine one step at a time." That seems to answer their question so they can move on to a different topic. What is wrong with this picture? Has anyone else had this experience or am I stuck in the past? It's only been exactly 4 months since he passed.

[DWS]

I am so very sorry for the tremendous loss of your husband. My partner's passing would have been three weeks before. None of this is easy at all.

Unfortunately, friends and family naively thinking that we start recovering right away is all too common. You have absolutely all of the reasons in the world for wanting and needing to talk about the life you enjoyed with your husband. It's baffling to us here why they aren't able to understand that. Here is a topic that I started on the subject..

https://forums.grieving.com/topic/19219-understanding-support-or-lack-of-from-friends-and-family/

Talk to us here as much as you like and need. Here is a good thread that was started for that...

https://forums.grieving.com/topic/19958-a-thread-to-share-memories-about-our-loved-ones/

 

 

[April Ballou]

@Suea you are not alone.  When my husband first passed away people were there.  But now I guess in their eyes I'm supposed to just get over it and go on.  I'm not sure that I can do that.  My husband was my life.  And now I have nothing.  Please feel free to come here.  We are all here for you.  I am sorry for your loss.  

[Suea]

I also feel very alone without him. We joked that we were attached at the hip.

[April Ballou]

I understand that.  My life will never be the same. 

[NiquesMom]

I have learned on this journey that we as humans suck at talking about death unless it has actually happened to us. I lost my 18 year old daughter 4.5 years ago, and my husband of 16 years 6 weeks ago. My family never talks of my daughter anymore, and after 2 weeks, only my brother checks on me. Everyone else's lives have just continued. Its not right but that's how it is. I cannot change them so I come here. I talk to people that can understand why I have to talk of 2 of the most important people in my life. I am sorry if anyone thinks you should have moved on already.  My husband was my best friend and I cannot imagine ever not missing him.

[April Ballou]

@NiquesMom it is sad that people think we are supposed to forget about our loved ones being gone.  I will never forget.   I can't.  Darrell was my everything.   We had 38 years together.   How can I forget that?  Somehow we will get through this together. 

[Suea]

I am not sure how to post to 2 people at the same time so forgive me if I do it wrong. But my heart goes out to both ladies. I do not know the pain of losing a child and hope I never have to endure that incredible pain. I understand the pain of losing your life partner, your best friend and love of your life. The one who can finish your sentences and knows how you think. You're both right you don't get it till it happens to you, and to be fair how could anyone truly understand until you experience it.

[Carol34]

People in my life seem to think I'm getting along fine.  Very few people keep in touch, and those that do almost never ask how I'm doing anymore.  It's only been 9 months.  I thinkk it's partly because I put on a brave face when people are around.  I don't want to bare my emotions by crying when I'm talking to them.  So, I bury it until I'm alone. I wish people still asked how I'm doing  But they've gone on with their lives,  Also, I think it's human nature to not ask questions we really don't want to hear the answer to.  If they ask...we might tell them,  They all lost a friend, sibling, a co-worker.  I lost my husband, my best friend, my world.  I won't ever get over it. 

A few weeks ago, I found out that the man I dated before I met my husband had passed away this past March. When I mentioned this to my husband's brother's wife, she said, "That's too bad.  You could have looked him up and maybe started back where you left off."  What????  She really doesn't understand.  

[Suea]

OMG that was a cold heartless thing to say to you. I am sorry that happened to you. Some people are clueless.

[April Ballou]

@cmp34 people don't get it and they never will until it happens to them.  We lost our other half, our best friend.   @Suea to write to someone just put the @ symbol and the name you will see the name pop up.  I have never lost a child and I pray I never do.  Losing my husband is the hardest and worst pain.

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I have never lost a child and I pray I never do.  Losing my husband is the hardest and worst pain.

I too have never lost a child, but two dear friends lost their daughter at birth 20 years ago.  They, especially she, have been a source of tremendous comfort because they understand and have been through the depths of unbelievable grief.  We never compare our losses except in as much as they affect us forever and more than any other loss (grandparents, parents, friends, pets, etc.).  Their pain is soft now and their loss does not inhabit every minute of their lives, but I know that it will never go away for them.

Losing John has been and continues to be the hardest, most painful thing I can imagine.  Now as I start my 5th year without him, my grief is also softer, the weight of it easier to carry.  I will miss him every day for the rest of my life, but it is no longer the crushing weight it was.  We were each other's yin-and-yang, east-and-west, and all-and-everything.  Life is lonelier, harder, scarier, and emptier without him.  Part of the difference for me now is that I accept these realities.  I do not accept that his death was right or fair because it wasn't and it never could be.  Yet in accepting the stark realities, I also started being able to open myself to the possibility of finding a life I could live here and now and maybe with a small happiness.  I would never have thought that possible 4 years or even 2 years ago.  I didn't see how I could possibly live without John by my side.  Some days are still incredibly hard, so hard that I wonder how I will get through them, but those days don't come as often.  For a long time, I truly believed that finding even a scrap of joy or goodness would be a massive betrayal of our love and our life together.  Today, I know it isn't. 

I know that doesn't really help you now, but maybe, just maybe, it will give you a tiny bit of hope for down the road.

22 hours ago, Suea said:

What is wrong with this picture? Has anyone else had this experience or am I stuck in the past? It's only been exactly 4 months since he passed.

So much is wrong with that picture and it's a societal failing.  We aren't taught the slightest thing about death, loss, and grief and so most people have no clue.  What's more, society worships youth and health so that many or most people would rather pretend aging, illness, and death do not exist.  We are a vivid reminder that "This could and some day will happen to you."  Our grief makes them uncomfortable and so they'd prefer that we just "go back to normal" without admitting or realizing that we are forever changed.

Yes, almost every member here has experienced this to some degree.  And no, you are not--absolutely not--living in the past!  It's hard to hear, but at 4 months your grief is still fresh and raw.  It's barely enough time to accept the reality of your loss.  The people in your life who pretend otherwise have no idea and often do not have any interest in learning otherwise.

22 hours ago, Suea said:

I miss him dearly and I want to talk about my life with him occasionally. I get the feeling that friends and family think I should be moving on and don't want to hear me reminiscing about him. I never go on and on even though I could. 

I'm afraid that this is all too common.  For others, it's as if "If we don't talk about him or his loss, then we can pretend everything is fine."  Sometimes, I suspect there's also a feeling that if they talk about our loves, then they will somehow "remind" us of our loss and grief--as if we aren't aware every single minute.

I realize I am so much luckier than many/most because I have two small loyal and loving circles of friends and family here and a few hours distant.  Our family and near life-long friends bring John into our time together and conversations as naturally as if he was still with us.  Our newer friends want to hear stories about our lives and also bring him along as part of the present.  It's immensely comforting.

Perhaps if you tell a trusted friend or family member or two that you need to be able to talk about your husband, your feelings and fears, and your memories, then they can let others know.  Maybe they do believe you should "move on" (we don't do that, but we do learn to move forward carrying our love with us) and maybe they don't know how to respond.  If you let them know how much it helps you to not just talk about your husband, but know that he's not forgotten, then they may understand a little bit.

I'm so sorry that you have a reason to be here; I'm sorry any of us do.  I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone in your experiences.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I also started being able to open myself to the possibility of finding a life I could live here and now and maybe with a small happiness.

Yes, I had that for some time before Covid, it changed everything, now I'm back to square one, nothing is as it was.  I thank God for Kodie (puppy).  Sometimes I miss having another adult though...

[MaddHollander]

Some people will never get it, but some do and they’re awesome.

I have very few friends, but two of them are also widowers. One never mentions his wife while the other can talk about his for hours. Me, I like to listen to him and love hearing his stories. They are all love stories, even the funny ones and the stupid argument ones. Yup, love stories.
 

He listens to me. We laugh, we cry. We might have a odd unspoken rule, I’m not sure. Our conversations never get into the illness our lost loved ones battled or their last moments. We both remember our wives as the happy, healthy vibrant women who stole our hearts and loved us through thick and thin. That’s what we talk about. It might be best that way.

I seldom had any opportunity to speak with anyone else about my wife except for a teenaged girl in my neighborhood who recently moved away with her family. My wife somehow befriended her and gave her books. The two discussed books, authors and the movies based on the books they read. 

It snowed the day after my wife passed away and the young lady shoveled my snow before running off to high school. She brought homemade brownies over one afternoon. During a brief conversation with another neighbor I learned the man I thought was her dad was actually her stepfather. Her dad died when she was very young. Once the weather warmed she told me some very nice stories about her sharing books with my wife and riding go-carts with her dad. She missed him. She understood loss. She knew my pain. I loved her stories, those indelible memories of her father.
 

It is my opinion that people should always pause and listen. It certainly benefits both the storyteller and the listener. 

 

[Suea]

What a lovely post. I enjoyed reading all  your memories. Thank you for sharing.

[KMkm]

If someone tells you or insinuates you moving on tell then to come here and read some posts.  My family and my late wife's family have been nothing but supportive.  Yes everyone does move on with their lives because that's just what happens and it sucks.  I still have a few friends reach out but I know this is just what happens.  When people ask how I'm doing, I answer with I'm still fighting but if you want to know exactly then I can tell you.  I also talk about my wife a lot.  I reminisce about our lives together and tell stories all the time.  I'll never stop talking about her and no one should ever tell you to stop.  Just remember that people don't know what grief feels like until they experience it themselves.  Stay strong my friend.

 

 

 

[KayC]

@MaddHollander Thank you for sharing this.  It feels good to hear this...

[RandyTN]

Not long after my wife's passing (4/1) I had to think about this .... and what I decided upon was three months (one for each decade we knew each other).   Three months to dive as deep as I wanted/needed to in my sorrow  (& I did ... many long dark days there)  then I would start putting my life back together regardless (and I AM starting)   Now I understand some folks think this is a very short period of time .... but I am 61 years old and I know it can take some time (years?)  to build a new life,   So I really don't have all that much time to spend wallowing in my grief/sorrow because, while I'm not "elderly", I'm no spring chicken either.    I know she wouldn't have wanted me to grieve for years  and I wouldn't have wanted her to if things had been the other way around either.  I am the kind of person who believes in drawing lines/boundaries around things in my life ... including grief/sorrow.  I still love & miss her & always will ... but the world keeps turning and life goes on.   Moving on doesn't mean I didn't love her and don't miss her.

[KayC]

Not wanting to grieve and having a choice in it are two different things.  A lot of us find grief finds/haunts us, unbidden or not.  You may find yourself surprised on down the road.

[widower2]

On 7/17/2022 at 1:35 PM, Suea said:

My husband of 32 years passed mid March of this year. I miss him dearly and I want to talk about my life with him occasionally. I get the feeling that friends and family think I should be moving on and don't want to hear me reminiscing about him. I never go on and on even though I could. 

Now when I hear the I occasional how are you doing I take a breath and say "fine one step at a time." That seems to answer their question so they can move on to a different topic. What is wrong with this picture? Has anyone else had this experience or am I stuck in the past? It's only been exactly 4 months since he passed.

Friends and family tend to be generally if not totally clueless. What's wrong with this picture is that, as foreverhis said, society (now more than ever) worships youth and in a disgustingly cowardly way, abhors and shrinks from aging and especially dying like it's kryponite. This was not true of generations past. Maybe part of it is because people died unexpectedly more back then, so they HAD to be able to deal with it. With our advances in not just technology but awareness of good health, fewer and fewer die before their time. 

I know it's not the same as talking to people who knew him, but you are more than welcome to talk to us about him any time.  

 

[widower2]

16 hours ago, RandyTN said:

Not long after my wife's passing (4/1) I had to think about this .... and what I decided upon was three months (one for each decade we knew each other).   Three months to dive as deep as I wanted/needed to in my sorrow  (& I did ... many long dark days there)  then I would start putting my life back together regardless (and I AM starting)   Now I understand some folks think this is a very short period of time .... but I am 61 years old and I know it can take some time (years?)  to build a new life,   So I really don't have all that much time to spend wallowing in my grief/sorrow because, while I'm not "elderly", I'm no spring chicken either.    I know she wouldn't have wanted me to grieve for years  and I wouldn't have wanted her to if things had been the other way around either.  I am the kind of person who believes in drawing lines/boundaries around things in my life ... including grief/sorrow.  I still love & miss her & always will ... but the world keeps turning and life goes on.   Moving on doesn't mean I didn't love her and don't miss her.

As Kay touched on, and apologies up front for any offense, but you may find you don't have as much control over this, including timelines, as you think you do or want to have.  Working through your grief has nothing to do with what she would want or what you or anyone else wants. It's kind of a beast all its own, and all you can do it wrestle with it and tame it as best you can, and allow that there are no hard and fast methods or timelines or anything else and just deal with it as best you can. 

[RandyTN]

On 7/29/2022 at 7:06 AM, KayC said:

....  You may find yourself surprised on down the road.

Always the skeptic, huh KayC?    (wait!  I'm supposed to be the "skeptic" here ....  LOL)  First you're telling me I'm "cocksure" for not holding a belief in an afterlife ... now you seem to be skeptical that I won't be "haunted" by grief later.

Well, I don't think so.  I know myself pretty well.  I've believed for a very long time that ...  yes, we can choose to control/manage our thoughts and emotions and how we deal with those.  We don't have to be ruled by, or a slave to, them. (or "haunted") ... and we don't have to go-down-that-road" so to speak when a certain emotion comes along.  We can look at it, examine it, recognize & acknowledge it, and then let it roll off like water off a duck's back and move along .... all in less than a minute.   It takes some discipline and practice though.   I have no advice or recommendations for anyone on how to go about doing that for themselves, everyone's different  ...I just know what particular disciplines have worked for me in my life.

In my career field I've seen/experienced a lot of really bad stuff in terms of human suffering.  I'd prob have severe PTSD by now had I not developed that ability early in my career.   Not a few of my former co-workers have frequent nightmares and other issues.

[RandyTN]

On 7/29/2022 at 10:47 PM, widower2 said:

As Kay touched on, and apologies up front for any offense, but you may find you don't have as much control over this, including timelines, as you think you do or want to have.  Working through your grief has nothing to do with what she would want or what you or anyone else wants. It's kind of a beast all its own, and all you can do it wrestle with it and tame it as best you can, and allow that there are no hard and fast methods or timelines or anything else and just deal with it as best you can. 

 

Perhaps "wrestling the beast" is not the best option for everyone?   We don't always have to meet something head on & subdue it or whatever ... some things we can just let wash over, under, and/or around us and go on their way.  (can you tell I'm a bit of a fan of Taoist philosophy?)

 

Timelines?   Why I most certainly can set timelines for myself.

[widower2]

By "wrestling" with it, I didn't mean you had to attack it aggressively per se, I just meant dealing with it in general. Poor choice of words on my part perhaps, and of course everyone has to find their own way and I'm glad you're finding yours. My more general point was just that this isn't something that can be packaged up or force fit in some nice, tidy way. It's messy, at least at times, and there are numerous dips and twists that are inevitable.  

[KMkm]

I believe that when people post on here it's more of an opinion in their words.  Some people can make time lines and others think they can but find it very hard when it comes time to.  I am 45 and have found that I'm not as strong as I thought I was.  Others I have seen can overcome tremendous emotional obstacles.  I lost my wife and I know for certain that I will be hurting til I die.  I hope everyone can heal in their own way and maybe someone that can find happiness can help me cause I don't think I will be for a long time.  Stay strong my friends.

[Suea]

2 minutes ago, KMkm said:

I believe that when people post on here it's more of an opinion in their words.  Some people can make time lines and others think they can but find it very hard when it comes time to.  I am 45 and have found that I'm not as strong as I thought I was.  Others I have seen can overcome tremendous emotional obstacles.  I lost my wife and I know for certain that I will be hurting til I die.  I hope everyone can heal in their own way and maybe someone that can find happiness can help me cause I don't think I will be for a long time.  Stay strong my friends.

@KMkm. I have a son your age and in my humble opinion you are way too young to never be happy again even though you feel like that now. And rightfully so.   Happiness comes to us when we least expect it. Be kind to yourself. Your wife will always be a significant part of your life.

[Ronni_W]

56 minutes ago, Suea said:

@KMkm. I have a son your age and in my humble opinion you are way too young to never be happy again even though you feel like that now. And rightfully so.   Happiness comes to us when we least expect it. Be kind to yourself. Your wife will always be a significant part of your life.

6 hours ago, RandyTN said:

Perhaps "wrestling the beast" is not the best option for everyone?   We don't always have to meet something head on & subdue it or whatever ... some things we can just let wash over, under, and/or around us and go on their way.  (can you tell I'm a bit of a fan of Taoist philosophy?)

Timelines?   Why I most certainly can set timelines for myself.

I think perhaps, dear fellow-grievers, that it is such a very difficult and painful and confusing and *unique* path that we are traveling individually, uniquely, all alone and by our self -- yet, at the same time, also 'connected' through our albeit unique and individually-experienced grief and sadness,

It is sometimes difficult to NOT feel threatened and get defensive or offended, even when the intent behind what is being offered to us or said to us is genuinely from a place of good intentions and good-will. (Just past Friday, I found myself right up in the face of someone -- literally chest-to-chest with him (and I'm a 62-y/o woman, and he's towering over me, maybe 50!  He'd said something to me, that, to me, was just horrible and terrible, and cruel, but of course he had no idea my circumstances and what I've been dealing with these past 3 years. We ended up working it out, and being able to laugh about it. But not before a lot of [me] crying and us 'yelling'. It was stupid, but only in hindsight.)

KMkm, of course you do get to feel that you'll never be happy again...just the same as I get to feel that way. Our feelings do not first ask for our date of birth, right? <gentle smile with warm hugs>.

RandyTN, I send you my love and hugs. Some people are afraid of anger and other so-called 'negative' emotions. I am not. I think that the only 'stuff' (comfort, guidance, suggestions, insights) that other people have to give/offer us is from their personal experience, and what helped them, and what did not help them. What I do -- and would offer for you the same -- just ignore, if you are willing, everything that doesn't fit for you right now, or that seems stupid, or 'horrible and cruel', or impossible. You do not need to set any timelines for yourself...not until you want/need/desire it for your own self.

Of course there is a difference between truly letting things flow around, under and through, and just send them on their way. But, we do also need to be sure that this is what we have actually been able to achieve and accomplish, yes? (Taosim, Bhuddism, Sufism, a little bit of Gnostic Christianity, Kaballah...sure. But we still need to know -- FOR OUR OWN SELF, that we're not just letting our 'dark emotions' just get buried. No?)

Love and hugs to one and all. Let us try to support each other without beating-up on each other. ❤️.   Ronni

Edited August 4, 2022 by Ronni_W
Yikes!!! I'm 62...not still *only* 60!!! <LOL>

[KayC]

18 hours ago, RandyTN said:

First you're telling me I'm "cocksure" for not holding a belief in an afterlife ...

No, I told you that in response to your including everyone in that belief, but Ronnie pointed out she thought you spoke from YOUR family's experience, and as I said, I removed my comment and apologized  completely, explaining I have Covid and I'm sorry it affected my brain, I truly am sorry and hope you'll bury the hatchet.