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Falling apart this weekend......


William M

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11 hours ago, William M said:

In  a frenzy today, I pulled down one of the bins, and retrieved her Nike  high-tops that were her main shoes when she passed, and put them on the floor with mine  next to the bedroom door. I don't know why, but I had an urge to do it?  I guess I'm trying to hold on to her as she slowly slips away.

I have nothing to add except that I feel this, and in you that spark to hold onto her, and that is natural and understandable, and I say, hold on...as DWS said, it keeps her presence and that helps you not lose her to the past.

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There's no fixing the situation but I know that just to have someone...anyone...in my immediate world acknowledge my continual loss would alleviate some of the suffering. I know it's a tall order to fill but to have had someone get in touch to say that they know how difficult these summer weekends without Tom must be for me and that I'm in their thoughts or whatever would help a bit....and again, that's a lot to ask but it's one solution to ease some of the loneliness and emptiness. 

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1 hour ago, DWS said:

There's no fixing the situation but I know that just to have someone...anyone...in my immediate world acknowledge my continual loss would alleviate some of the suffering. I know it's a tall order to fill but to have had someone get in touch to say that they know how difficult these summer weekends without Tom must be for me and that I'm in their thoughts or whatever would help a bit....and again, that's a lot to ask but it's one solution to ease some of the loneliness and emptiness. 

I could have typed this exact response.  I just wish someone would ask how I'm doing.  All of the people who said, "I'm here for you." or "Let me know if you need anything" when he first died must think that I am past all of that now.  My sister calls and texts on a regular basis, but she never asks how I'm doing.  She just tells me about her day.  My daughter calls a few times a week, but never asks either.  At first, I'd get texts from a few of his friends and one of his brothers, asking how I was doing.  Now, they're silent.  The other day, I ran into a friend who said I looked sad.  I told her I have days when I just can't process things, and every memory hits me hard.  She said, "You should be better by now.  It's been 2 years now, right?"  Um...it's been 9 months. 

The loneliness hits me hard!  I've always been a homebody, but the silence in my house is deafening.  And I know what you mean about the summer weekends. Summer was special for us.  Paul loved to grill anything, and he especially liked using his smoker.  He loved entertaining people on the patio, so almost every weekend we were out there for hours.  Sometimes as late as 2pm.  It's a beautiful patio, but I haven't spent much time there.  It's lonely on that patio now. 

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Oh yes! After Frank passed I heard "we are here for you" and "you are not alone". Heard from some people the first month. I'm getting to the point of not caring. 

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My parents and son have been good about calling and visiting, and I've heard from my sister who I hadn't been super close with the last several years has called many times. However, they never talk about the death, or anything about my wife.  I understand, as I'm sure they don't know what to say.

 

What would be great if I could  talk about my wife, and her death to someone that REALLY knew her as good I did. And who better to do that than her 4 sisters, one being very close to her the last several years.

 

That isn't happening.  Not 1 call since the funeral from any of them, and the one she was super close to lives 2 miles away. No checking in with me on Christmas, or on her birthday ( Very hard days for me.  They have written me off in my hardest time in life. Very disappointed in all of them

 

I guess blood is thicker than water.

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April Ballou

@William M I know that feeling.  So the family that I thought was mine, I found out isn't.  Its actually his family,  but I thought that after being married 38 years they would be there for me.  So now I'm all alone.  And apparently I'm supposed to just get on with my life and not think about the only man I ever loved.  That's not gonna happen,  not for me anyways.   I just wished I had died and he was still here.

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April Ballou

@SSC yes I think the birthday, anniversary,  and holidays are the hardest.  I realize that life does go on.  No matter how we feel or what we do life keeps going.  Friday would have been Darrells  birthday.  The 22nd he would be 63 if he were alive.  Plus the 31st would be our 40th wedding anniversary.   How can I celebrate an anniversary with only 1 person?  

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@April Ballou our anniversary was 1 week after he passed away and it was Easter. Normally I would cook a big dinner for the family. Easter was always a big celebration in our home.  I opted to go to a Mexican restaurant with my daughter.

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April, is your family gone?  

Easter I spent shoveling snow all day, as I did all of the holidays this year, forgotten by family.  Kind of depressing.  I am enjoying this summer, one day at a time.  Last summer was truly horrific with all the wildfires and now when they bring it up I cringe...let me enjoy what is, today!

My heart goes out to you, Suea, going to a Mexican restaurant with your daughter...but I'm glad she was there for you.

It seems too many do forget and it doesn't take long to do so.

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April Ballou

As far as my blood relatives all I have are my children and grandchildren.   @KayC everyone in my family is gone.  Darrells family don't look at me as family any more. 

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You're kind of in the same boat I'm in...kids is about it, but don't hear from them anymore, it seems the more years go by the more they are into their own lives and seem to have forgotten me.  It does make me wonder what's coming for me as I turn 70 in just 2 1/2 months.  It is getting harder but I only know, that for now, I feel most comfortable in my own home, even with all the problems that entails in the winter and summer...

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So, this weekend is going to be rough too.  Normally, my son, his wife and at least one of my granddaughters (and the dog) come to visit me on Sunday...and sometimes on Saturday too.  I look forward to it, because other than their visit for "family dinner night" on Tuesdays, nobody comes to visit me.  They left this morning for a long weekend trip to a city about 3 hours away.  It's where my grandson lives, so they're visiting him and his girlfriend, and taking in some sights.  I'm happy for them that they're taking the time to do this. They've been so good to me since Paul died (well, they always have, but they're the only ones who are consistent). 

So, the "alone" feeling is hitting me hard already.  I know I can't just pop over and see them, and that they won't be dropping by this weekend.  The thing is, I'm alone in the house so much already.  This isn't so different.  Except that it is. 

I tried texting my sister (who has been supportive up until recently), just to cry on her shoulder.  She called me and said that she gets so tired of people texting her at work.  She can't answer all of the texts, and it upsets her to think that everyone else has time to text while she's working.  So, that didn't work.  She used to be the one I could count on to listen.  I think she's gotten to the point that everyone else has, where my grief is old news to her.  She doesn't ask how I'm doing, doesn't offer to bring me dinner, and when she calls, she just talks about her day and whatever issues she's having. 

Anyway...it's going to be a long weekend.

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I'm sorry, @cmp34, I find myself in the same boat.  I don't understand how kids can get so busy they don't think of their mom.  It wasn't the example we set for them and I was a good mom.  I'm sorry everyone is leaving you alone to deal with your loss...it is how it is with me too, and no matter how much time passes, they don't seem to realize how hard it is.  It's not like it ever goes away.

 

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April Ballou

Well today would have been Darrells birthday,  he would be 63. Don't know what to say or do.  I miss him so much.  Last night when I was asleep it felt like someone playing with my hair then after a few minutes it felt like someone touching my neck.  Last year me, my children,  and my grandchildren went to Galveston.   This year everyone has resumed with their lives.  I don't know how to do that.  Maybe I'm doing something wrong.   All I have left is God.  Everyone is busy.  Maybe if I were busy doing something things would be different.   I would love to find some friends.   

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I understand bringing her stuff down and putting them next to yours. Everyone told me that I needed to throw John's things away. That it wasn't healthy to hold onto everything.  I kept what I wanted as far as clothes  and his gaming stuff but I threw the rest away. He really didn't have much anyway.  Tattered work clothes and shoes. I gave all of his good clothes to his daughter.  Her boyfriend is the same size. If she wants to let him wear them that's her choice. If not she has them. I did keep some clothes and they are hanging with mine in the closet. I recently moved Apts.  We have been supposed to move since the first week in Dec. I had kept everything that I didn't give his daughter where it was in his bedroom.  It didn't seem as though I was going to be able to throw his things out and pretty much from the second mth there were ppl telling me that it wasn't healthy to hang on to his stuff. I kept telling them I wasn't ready. Hell I couldn't turn his lamp of in his room which was on when he died. I finally cut it off 2 mths later. With turning it off it was kinda a acceptance that he was gone and he'd never be coming back.  One day after once again someone told me it wasn't healthy for me to keep his stuff I went into his room and started going through it. I slid his clothes from one side of the closet to the other and decided if I was keeping it or not as I slid them. I threw away his Tattered shoes and his holey jeans and shirts. I wasn't ready but I was more ready than I was when everyone first started telling me to get rid of it. I was goinig to set his room up in our new apt and everyone was like don't do that. I wanted everything to be the same.  I finally had the young man that was helping me (Him and his wife had been so kind to me) take his bed down. It felt so wrong to me but I knew I needed the space to be able to pack things for the move. I did finally get used to seeing it down and then it became a normal thing. I still wish I hadn't thrown his shoes out. I too like you want them to be beside mine. I was thinking about buying him a new pair of shoes. He needed some anyway. And set them beside mine. I honestly believe that I am. Just as a comfort.  I know he never wore them but he wore the same shoes for years. So it'd be like a new pair for him and he'd still be here in a way. I know that's probably not "healthy" but I don't care honestly.  That's what I want to do. I can't say that the main reason but one of the reasons is his bday is coming up (July 30). I really don't know what to do. That will be my first without him in 14 years 😢 💔.  But that would be my bday present to him. I wish I still had him but I know he will never return. I've get to come to that realization everyday I wake up. I miss him like crazy and I just want him back but that is not to be. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm going to tell you like I wish someone had told me. If that makes you happy. If that makes it more comfortable to you. If you WANT THAT then do it. It's not strange it's not wrong. If it helps you feel closer or more at ease then do it. My prayers are with you.

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@April Ballou I don't know about anyone else but I am starting to feel stagnant physically and mentally. Dwelling on the sadness I feel is too painful. So I found free on line classes at Harvard. My husband had multiple degrees, I have one little one, and I thought 'what would him smile'?  Attend Harvard. He would have loved it. So come September I will enroll for one short class. Some are only one day but it might be a good way to get back into the world. I told my kids I'm just going for the t-shirt.

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April Ballou

@Suea I am glad you are starting classes.  I can't afford that.  But I have found this website.  It has helped.  Plus I email, text, and talk on the phone.  Life throws things at you.  We have to watch the world go round.  I live on a fixed income and I have already been to college.   I just have to put my mind on other things.  God will help me, just like He always has.

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All of these posts are really making me feel a bit less crazy. I disposed of my hubby's worn out shoes the other day to make room in the closet. I put them in the trash can then removed them. Did this a number of times before I left them in the trash.  I felt another bolt of anger over him passing when I threw them out.  Everything else of his is where it was when he passed. 

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April, I am sorry you went through his birthday....alone, again...those days hit and we find the rest of the world going on with their lives as if nothing happened and we're amazed, how could they?  I don't know an answer to that, all I know is I felt the same when my George died.  It'd help if there was someone to talk to but honestly I don't have that either...no one that cares to listen, no one that remembers his birthday or his death day...my sister remembered his death day only because it was on Father's Day but now even she is gone.  I go it alone.  But it hit home to me very hard those early years...I can't say this is something you ever truly get used to, because for me, I haven't, although I have had to learn to bear up under it because what choice do I have?  I remember thinking, "How can the sun go on shining!  Doesn't anyone know the sweetest man who ever lived, died!"  

I know I am a day late but I am so sorry that is what you were going through yesterday and I do know how lonely it feels.:wub:

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I'm realizing why my weekends are so difficult. Today (Saturday) is being its usual relaxed time. It's just like last years' Saturdays and the years prior. Tom and I rarely made huge plans for our weekends...just played it by ear mostly. We were comfortable just being together and that's all that really counted....so that's what's happening again right now except he's not here and I am totally alone. And weirdly enough, I don't have any desire to try to arrange to do something with someone to try to "fix" this loneliness. I don't want to feel this way but I know that trying to rectify this right now will likely just intensify the grief. 

There's another part of this as well for us to think about. The past two summers were spent with fears of covid. Most events and social gatherings were cancelled. Society, in general, were encouraged to stay in their small social circles...so there was a lot of societal isolation during those past two years. Tom and I were always cautious so it was mostly just the two of us looking for ways to spend that time and we certainly didn't complain about having to do that as we enjoyed each other's company. Our leisure times were special times and his absence now is so difficult to bear. 

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Yes, we could just coexist together in peace and it was good....it's a whole different ballgame now.

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Diane,

I'm in the same boat, if I needed someone, I'd have to ask people I'm not comfortable asking, and last time I did, I got turned down, it was embarrassing.  They don't realize how hard it is to ask!

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These are the kind of things that worry me, especially as I get older. One of the many things I've lost because of this nightmare is my old age support system I assumed I would have. My future death will need to be sudden..

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Truly, we need support as we age, it's hard that we don't have it.

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It's the start of another long holiday weekend here in Canada. I've already had a long cry this morning as I tackle this weekend without Tom to spend it with. We would normally spend this weekend at great leisure and do whatever came up in our foolhardy minds. We'd get one long road trip in somewhere. Tom would definitely do two or, maybe, three long runs through the city streets and along the river for sure which allowed me time to just putter in the gardens. A wonderful whole lotta nothing-to-do that we enjoyed together. It was heaven while it lasted.

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April Ballou

Having trouble today.   Feels like I have done something wrong.  Everyone has given up on me.  My children I know they are grown and have lives of their own.  But they could at least send a text message every once in a while.   I know it doesn't matter to anyone else but tomorrow would have been Darrell and mine 40th wedding anniversary.   Can't even celebrate it.  Well I guess there's no celebration with just 1 person.   I miss Darrell so much it hurts.  My heart is so broken.   When does it stop?  

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Oh April, I don't think it ever stops, but we do grow more accustomed to it, if that's any help.  Of course it matters!  But most of all to you!.

And if it's any consolation, I have the same thing going on with my kids.  Doesn't excuse it.  It hurts.
@DWS  I am so sorry...I don't know what holiday it is there, but if it's big enough to affect you, it matters.  :(

 

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@April Ballou I want to congratulate on your wedding day ❤️ I am happy for you had the time with your husband you had. I’m happy you found each other. That you shared love and a life together. You have your children as a result of it. I hope you can also look back at the years you did spend together and think of beautiful and silly moments. The sadness will stay. Just know that there are people that never get to experience love. My Lawrence told me it’s better to lose love than to never have had it. I think about it a lot. Would I go back and change my life if I could? To not experience this pain and loss? But the feeling he gave me the love that I gave him I would not want to give that up 

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@William M how are you doing? I can relate to the “losing them to the past” I sometimes wonder if I need the pain, If I hold on to it, because I’m scared to losing him

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April Ballou

@Roseapple thank you.  I wouldn't change a thing.  I thank God that I was able to have the 38 years that I did have.  Yes I thank God for my children even though they are grown and seem to have forgotten about me.  I thank God for my house, my car, the clothes that I wear and the food I eat.  God provides all of my needs.  I am very thankful to God for the life He has given me.  Even if I do have to spend what years I have left by myself,  God will be with me. 

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Well I did buy him a pair of shoes. They just arrived.  The same kind he's worn for years. And if I didn't buy them for him he would've worn them til the soles came off. I tried to take care of him the best I could. He wasn't the type to spend money on himself.  I bought him everything. His shirts and his pants. Work pants that I kept one pair to the side along with a shirt so if he needed to go to something nice he'd have a decent outfit to wear. Which he'd end up grabbing them when another of the 6 or 7 pairs I bought him got holes in the knees. He was a flooring mechanic.  He took pride in his work. There's not many ppl in the world who have the work ethic that he has. Look I'm talking about him in the present tense.  Has not had. God iiss him so much. His bday came and went. No one called or came to see me. Not that I expected it. They hate me and I really wish it wasn't that that way. I've loved them for over a decade. And they're love was an act. Now they've turned on me. I just don't want to go on. I'm not going to hurt myself but I so wish it had been me. His family would've been so much happier.  He wouldn't have been and not because I died. He would've gotten over that but because he would had no choice but to move in with his mom. And my family (brother and sister) would've been relieved.  They wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.  It'd be I k she's dead no need to even think about her. And other than my only other blood family my cuz from my mother's brother he would've been the only one to even be upset. He text me every morning.  Just to say hey. To talk with me. I thank God for him but I dont have children. John had felicia even though she gave and took her love. But he had his granddaughter who he cherished and adored.  I wanted to make sure she knew him and how much he loved her. Now it's not possible.  I miss him so much. I just wantbhim back and I know that's not possible either. 

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April Ballou

@Goforth860I understand wanting him back.  Today was supposed to be a happy day. But I thank God for the 38 years that I had on this earth with Darrell.  I hate that he's gone.  But I have to accept it.  Can't do anything else.  I believe God has a plan for me.  I just have to wait and see what God has in store for me.  

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Goforth, I'm sorry the shoes were delayed so long after his death, George died 5 days after his birthday and presents kept arriving that I'd ordered for him, he never got to open them or be surprised by them.

The only journey without a roadmap. :(

 

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I sent the shoes back. I sat them with mine but I couldn't get over the fact that he would never put them on. And it's not just that he wouldn't put them on its more of the fact that he wouldn't be putting them on to go to work in. I gotta fish. I named him Fred.  A beta.  John told me that I needed to get another fish when we moved down here. Well he's not here but i took his advice. He knew how much I wanted another dog. After almost 17 years I had to lay Snoop to rest. He knew that was my daughter. My baby. But then my Precious and Cali became my lap girls so I decided until at least Precious passes I can't get another dog. She would be mean to it. So he told me that Charlie did well. I still had the tank and stuff. Get another beta. So the other day I picked a boy out. I was going to name him Charlie #2 but I decided against it. So I came up with Fred. Then a cpl days ago I called him George but I honestly like Fred.  It helped fill a void for a millisecond then it was gone. I still get a flutter of my heart when I see him twisting and twirling in the water. I feel good when I help others or make others happy. When I can do something for them. I'm glad I've got my girls and now my boy but I'm so down. Depressed. I feel like I am the beta. In a big tank all by myself.  I asked the pet store lady if he'd get lonely.  She said most likely not. I said well isn't there some kind of community fish I can put with him. She.said yeah but you'd have to find one he's not going to pick on or nip. So I'm looking at me as him and him as me. In this big place. All alone. Would pretty much prefer to be left alone and if I'm not I might pick on or nip at someone. That's where I'm at. I guess

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