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Lost my boyfriend from cancer


Jana95

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13 hours ago, Jana95 said:

Please tell me, I'm not the only one who has felt this way.

Of course, not. Most here felt like you in the early stages of grief including me. Now it's been 4 years since my wife's death and I still grieve and cry. Healing from grief takes time. Some can recover faster, but it's not my case.

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10 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

Unfortunately in most cases, cancer are detected only in advaced stages when cure is not possible anymore. Treatment has only paliative purposes

My wife's cancer was also diagnosed very late, she had stage 4 cancer that started in her adrenal gland. I asked the doctors why they wouldn't take out the cancerous gland and they just shook their heads. I knew then that it wasn't going to be good for my wife.

@Jana95, my condolences on your loss. Cancer is an insidious evil that takes a lot of people by creeping up on them very slowly until it's too late. It's a tough journey losing the person you love, and coping with that loss is a very difficult challenge. Please come here as we have gone through it and can relate with each other on the pain of our losses.

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Thank you all for the responses, it's nice to know there are caring people out there who have an ear to lend and some who have gone through the same hardship. Another big problem I'm having is going places. My boyfriend went everywhere with me and I mean, EVERYWHERE. I was with him about 24-7 (he used to travel with me on my job) and I lived with him for 2 years until around April of this year (when he daughter took over caring for him). Tonight I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I truly think it's time for a change in careers because being on the road is not helping me whatsoever. I only drive once or twice a week but even then, I become overwhelmed and there's a feeling in my chest that almost feels like I can't breathe. A tightness. I honestly am not sure what's next for me in my life. I went out to see a friend tonight and they were sad that I couldn't hang out longer, but their lonliness and my lonliness do not match. I know that I need to get out and see people that care. I understand that much, I"m just having a tough time doing things without my boyfriend by my side. The weird thing is, he never used to come with me to hang out with this certain friend. It's just a weird feeling. I am missing my adventure partner. I hate driving in the evening and at night the most because that's when this feeling sets in of me missing him so much. This is so tortourous. I wonder if it's like an anxiety, I truly can't pinpoint it. I was told tonight that I need to seek a grief couselor but unfortunately money is very tight right now so I guess what I can do is just continue to write on here. I feel like this site is helping me tremendously already. I just wish I had the answers for some of these feelings. I know it's all a part of grief, but it's something I never felt before. Maybe I'm having severe withdrawals. Thanks for listening to me, it makes me feel so much better.

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April Ballou

@Jana95I understand.   I don't get out hardly at all.  Darrell was the main driver.  So now I have to do it all alone.  The only places that I go is church,grocery shopping and swimming.   Once July is over the pool closes then I won't get to go swimming.   

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On 7/14/2022 at 8:17 PM, Jana95 said:

Please tell me, I'm not the only one who has felt this way

No, dear one, you are not, but this can be a very lonely process, one with a beginning but not an ending.  I do want you to know though, that it evolves, ever so slowly, into something a bit more manageable, if that's of consolation.  Meanwhile, it's hard, making our way through this with no guide map.  I am very sorry you, too, are on this journey and left figuring your way through it.  We are here for you and invite you to continue coming here, it really does help.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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@KayC Thank you so much for this, I appreciate it. I find that listening to music also helps ease the pain a little too. 

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April Ballou

I hate a quiet house so I listen to music all the time. @Jana95 this is the hardest death that I have ever experienced.   Darrell was my first and only love, he was my best friend, and my husband of 38 years.  God gives me the strength to carry on.

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April Ballou

@Jana95 I am sorry for your loss as well.  Somehow we will make it.  I will be praying for you. 

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The Handsome Honey Hotline

Hi

i lost my girlfriend of many years to a sudden Illness too. She also died in my arms in January.   

It’s hard but I will share a few things that have washed away 90% of my grief. 
 

1) The realization that you loved one isn’t gone forever because we don’t live forever. One day she will take me by the hand and carry me home. 
2) Open your heart to your boyfriend/girlfriend and ask them for help. 

3) watch for signs  I would ask for help and I’d get an idea that would solve my problem  

4) Ask God for help because there is a plan. Follow the plan because your purpose is not finished or you’d be called back too. 

5) Live a full life Life is for the living. Earn the right to be in heaven one day with your loved one. Allow them to see the world through your eyes. Go in an adventure. 

6) you were meant to help someone or be with someone allow yourself to love and be loved. 

7) your loved one is with relatives that have passed having a good time. They want you to be happy too. 

8 the sooner you go with God’s plan the sooner happiness will enter your life. I am not so sad as I was 6 months ago and I can let go because I know I will be with her again. I want to make her proud so that when that day comes she will say Good job. 

9) now I go forward knowing she is with me and I must execute on the plan because I still have a purpose I must find. Maybe there is someone who needs my help or I must learn something. Maybe I will find a cure for cancer? Who knows.  Go forth with a sense of adventure and accept Gods plan. 

Don’t fight it. Love yourself love your partners memories and open your heart. 

you can do it. 
 

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@The Handsome Honey Hotline I needed that, thank you so very much. Today I asked my boyfriend for a sign and to my surprise, I was out shopping and the old song "Signs" was playing on the radio (which was a song he loved) and I discovered a "sign" that listed things cancer cannot do. There is no doubt in my mind that it wasn't him. I'm so open to signs, it's how I got through my best friend's death over 7 years ago. 

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The Handsome Honey Hotline

Yes it is a sign. Sometimes I think about her and her favorite song will come on the car radio and I think she’s saying I know. 
 

I had the xm radio on Kate’s favorite channel 1st Wave 80s party music.  
I said Kate pick me out a good song

a song called  “Pure” by the Lightning seeds played. Look it up. Sounded like she was sending me a message. 
 

sometimes it’s like that. 
 

 

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The Handsome Honey Hotline

That means he’s telling you it’s going to be alright and he loves you. You will be together again let him live through your eyes. I go on an adventure day trip every Saturday and smile a lot when I think of her and people smile back. I get it now. It’s going to be alright. Have one adventure.  Friday I had no adventure planned and for whatever reason the worlds largest truck stop was having a truckers jamboree. I’m a salesman not a trucker. I grabbed my camera and headed 2.5 hours out a 7 am I had a blast got home at 6. Everybody was so nice met people and it was because I would think of Kate and smile

one adventure a week. Start by picking your boyfriends favorite color and photograph that color every time you see it with your phone. If you have an iPhone or Google photos it will build a collage for you and your loved one. It’s a way of doing something together. Plus you will smile. It all starts there. 
I know you can do it. Deep breath and go with it. Smile open your heart watch for signs live

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I miss you so much
On 7/15/2022 at 5:17 AM, Jana95 said:

This is tough to type especially with how I'm feeling right now. I'm going to do my best to tell the whole story as a way of letting it out.

My boyfriend of 3 years wasn't being himself around this time, last year. I always knew something was off so I had him go to the doctor to see what was going on. He was diabetic and his blood sugar were dropping like crazy. So at first, his doctor put him on different medication and insulin, thinking that would help with the problem. Then, he started getting lightheaded and at work, his coworkers noticed a change in his behavior and work method. He was a really good worker so it concerned everyone involved. I had him go to the doctor once again and she scheduled a brain scan at the hospital about 30 minutes away. I'll never forgot that fateful October day when we heard the results come in from his doctor through the phone. They found a large mass on the left frontal lobe on his brain. The following month he was diagnosed with stage 4 Gliobastoma/Brain cancer.  He was given 14 to 16 months. A couple months later, he was doing radiation and chemo and in the long run, I truly believe it's what ended up making him very weak and had a hand in his death. Only a couple months later and he was bedridden. He was too weak to stand and everytime he talked he would talk in a whisper. His daughter had to take over a care for him because I couldn't handle it anymore. His family decided to put him in hospice care in the beginning of July and by July 5, 2022, he was gone. I was there when he took his last breath and he was very peaceful when he went. 

I honestly have never lost someone this close before to cancer so I'm having a hard time really coping with his death. Even after his funeral I'm still having a tough time coping. I held on to so much false hope that he was going to recover and there would be a miracle. It truly hasn't fully hit me I don't believe. I had anticipatory grief somewhat near the end but I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that we won't have that future we promised each other. Everything happened so fast. I cannot be the only one who has felt this way. There's also so much that I want to say to him but I honestly don't know how to say it out loud. I feel like there is a tightness in my chest and my heart hurts every time I think about him. This has been a nightmare I haven't been able to wake up from since the day we found out about his tumor. I have friends and family who reach out to me but it seems like none of them know what to say to help. All I can say is I'm taking it day by day but truly I feel like I'm drowning in my own sorrow. I still wear the ring he gave me (promise ring not engagement) and I probably won't stop wearing it until the time feels right. 

I'm so sorry for the long post, I just feel like I had to pour my heart out. This the first time since he's passed that I feel a breath of fresh air because I can finally let out everything I feel about losing him. This is such a tough journey, I've also never lost a lover before. I lost a friend back in when I was 20 but this is a lot worse I think. Now I'm 27 and I have to deal with losing a boyfriend. I feel like my best friend's death prepared me for losing my boyfriend but at the same time, it's two separate deaths. I have so many wishes and all I can do now is live the rest of my life without him. I know I'm meant for something better someday, I just don't want to believe or think of it right now.

Please tell me, I'm not the only one who has felt this way. Once again, I'm sorry about the long post. I just lost him and I feel so hurt and lost myself. I know a part of me died along with him and I honestly don't know how I'm going to be able to start again with someone else. I know I'll be okay but right now, I'm just going through the massive waves of grief and I never take losses very easily in my life. 

You're not the only one feeling this way. And I think you were very supportive to him and I've very much liked your post, not long at all.  You have had such a hard experience and so young,  you've been very brave, I admire you

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