loss of my husband

[Carol Gullette]

Just 2 weeks today, he's gone.

[Brazil Man]

It's too early for you to express what you are really feeling. I lost my wife to lung cancer about 4 years ago; the pain was too intense. Now I still grieve and cry for her.
Please continue posting so that we can know better about what happened and how you are feeling.

[Carol Gullette]

Thank you for posting that for me.  2 weeks today he passed from complications of pancreatic cancer, in the hospital.  He was there for 3 days for tests & on day 3 something went terribly wrong 10 minutes after I left him to come home for the nite.  Hospital called me within an hour to say he'd coded.  I rushed back to hospital but he was gone.  I'm still not sure how to pull myself together.  I feel so broken, lost, in disbelief. 

[Brazil Man]

Cancer is such an awful disease because it's hard to be detected in early stage when the cure is more likely possible. In the case of my wife it was detected in advanced stage as I think it was your husband's too. It's hard to understand how our loved ones were so present and real in our lives, and suddenly all that remain are only sweet memories. Things will improve for you but it is a slow process and demands patience. Take care of yourself and continue posting.

[Carol Gullette]

Thank you so much for your kind & wise words.  I'm glad I joined this group.

[Gail 8588]

Carol, 

Welcome to our forum. We are so very sorry you have reason to join us here, but I hope you will find some comfort in knowing you are not alone. 

My husband died in 2017, 25 days after suffering a hemorrhagic stroke. We were married 38 years.

I still miss him every day. He continues to be a vital part of my being.  But the intense pain of the absence of his physical presence in my life has subsided. For me, it's sort of like living next to a volcano.  You always know it's there.  A little rumble reminds you somedays. I feel my husband's presence everyday. 

You are in the terrible early days of not being able to find solid ground to stand on, nothing makes any sense any more, it's hard to breathe. 

Be kind to yourself. Don't expect much of yourself. You won't be able to do things, accomplish things, like you did before. It may be very hard to focus. This is because grief is very much like suffering a brain injury. Give your brain time to heal. The brain fog of grief will lift, but it takes time. 

Come here to vent or share or just read. We understand how devastating it is to lose your true love. Our lives have been shattered too. 

Gail

 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss...we all hear those words, they sound canned and trite, but here they are heartfelt...because we know what it involves and how encompassing it changes our lives forever.  That one person that made our world complete.  We can't wrap our head around it.  Please know from the bottom of my heart, I mean them for you.

This is the thread with your first post, when you go to your profile and search activity and hit the arrow that takes you all the way back a year from now, this is the thread you will get.  For that reason I will post this...for this is an evolutionary journey, one that has a beginning but without ending...until we've also gone.  Today it is hard, in a few years you will have navigated enough of your journey you know how to do it...not that it makes it any "easier" but that we get better at coping.  Always that spot inside of us that we carry that lets us know, he is missing.  Always.  In our hearts.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.