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He's gone... and I want to follow him so badly


SIeepinDragons

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It's been just over two weeks, I was at three when I sought a grief forum such as this, a lifesaver.  I discovered a place where others got it and understood, a place to give voice to my pain and fears.  It made a huge difference!  My husband had just had his 51st birthday and passed Fathers Day 2005.  June 19.  They can make it aany holiday they want, to me it will always be his death day.

I am glad you are here...both of you.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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Good Morning kay, When my mother passed in 2016 it was on Mother's Day and when my wife passed it was days after her birthday and right before july 4th. I understand the death day reference. I don't celebrate any holidays anymore. One there's nobody to celebrate with and 2 like you said death days. Those are not celebrating days. Everybody says to celebrate the days that you lose a loved one, But I just cant celebrate the pain of those days. I know I'll get past all the pain and loss. I won't forget it but I will go on. For so many years it was ingrained to me as a man to tough it out well I can't tough it out anymore. Thank you for sharing. Right now coming and sharing with you all on this page is the only thing I am actually looking forward to. I quit my job in April to become a caretaker for my wife.. And now I have to seek employment to pay for all the medical bills and my daily living. I just got offered a insurance rep job, but I don't think I'm ready for that much pressure on my nerves. I mean it's only been 11 days. Try to have a good day. John

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17 hours ago, SIeepinDragons said:

it's been weeks and what is worse.

It's still too early. I lost my wife to lung cancer about four years ago and I still grieve and cry for her. Things will improve but very slowly.

 

17 hours ago, SIeepinDragons said:

I can't eat,  can't sleep,

If this situation lasts for too long you need to see a doctor. But don't wait till things are so bad that you can't get up from bed.

 

17 hours ago, SIeepinDragons said:

I can't think and then I can all I can think about is all the things that I'll never havein my life again. 

I know what you mean. I still miss her very much; I miss the things we did, the things you shared... good moments that now are just sweet memories.

 

17 hours ago, SIeepinDragons said:

I'm not afraid of death,  and if we didn't have 4 young boys I'd have already done it

I also used to have suicidal thoughts but I never did it because I was afraid of what might happen to me afterwards. As time goes by this thoughts will go away. But don't try not to eat in order to die because this is like suicide and can not be good for you in the after life. Just wait and things will improve.

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16 hours ago, John Adams said:

Hello, I'm new on here I just lost my wife 10 days ago. After 14 years.

It's to early to feel any better. For me it's been 4 years since I lost my wife to lung cancer. I still grieve and cry for her. 

 

16 hours ago, John Adams said:

No ambition not much of a will left.

That's how I feel too, after 4 years. Things will improve but very slowly. Sometimes I forget it for a while but then I remember it again and ask to myself: "Is this situation really true ? " Hope you can recover faster than me.

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4 hours ago, John Adams said:

my wife passed it was days after her birthday

My wife passed a couple of days after my birthday and some days before her birthday. It´s been four years to me and I still grieve for her. These dates now are sad days including the day of her death as well.

 

4 hours ago, John Adams said:

I won't forget it but I will go on

Yes, I will never forget her and all the good moments we had together. I still try to go on but it's hard. I hope you achieve it faster than me.

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@John Adams I never thought of it as "celebrating" their deathaversary, but more like getting through it, it's hard.  It's been 1 1/2 weeks for you, that's still in shock stage, that is long before figuring out how to do any of this or being aware of anything going on...that is...hard.  The bills go on, they don't stop while we figure it out, I get that, but gosh, how do we do this when we don't know how/where to start!  We were broke when George died, my job was ending, beginning a recession, I had six months to find a job and to top it off, facing age discrimination in my 50s!  I barely got one in the nick of time, commuting a long ways, one foot in front of the other for seven years at which time it ended completely.  I look back and can't believe I made it through, but somehow I did.  Survival.  It's harder than we think.  And now "surviving" growing old alone.  It's not for the faint hearted!  But we do it.  I try not to over think it too much.  Every day sliding in just barely, but I guess that counts.  ;)

I pray you'll find your niche in the work world, someplace where it won't over-stress you and you can slide into home plate without too much on you....something that will put food on the table and pay the electric bill.  You are in my prayers.  For now, they say to just breathe.  To get up and get dressed and eat/drink something.  Sometimes we don't know why, but we do it anyway.  Eventually it'll maybe make some sense, for now, it's do what is needed to get by.

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When you lose your lover never follow them in the next life because if they were alive they will 100% want you to also be alive and even in death he is wishing for you to have a happy and long life. So live and fulfill his wish

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Hi my name is Debi. I am so very sorry. I'm feeling like you. My bf of almost 1.5 years passed july 12 unexpectedly . Feel like I can't go on. Hope you'll reach out to me

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Debi, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure who you wanted to reach to you, but I figured ours is 10 days apart I would reach out to you. This last Saturday marked 2 weeks since she's been gone. And I've had a lot of thinking time. Between losing my sanity to blaming everything including god for taking the most precious thing to thoughts of just ending it all to just withdrawing totally from the world and drowning myself in sorrow, so I wouldn't lose the last bit of her. Then on Saturday I received her ashes, on Sunday I went and spread them in a favorite spot. Told her " I will love forever and always" and something about that moment I had a release of the suffering. Not sure why or how, but fulfilling another promise I made to her lifted a heavy burden. That night I went outside and looked up at the stars and asked if she was ok where she was. Now mind you I bought her a necklace to put with her urn because I was going to keep some of the ashes, but she wanted to be free and not be held in a box or anything. But I bought her a Dragon necklace and the next day I was sitting outside in my usual spot and there was a cloud that looked like a dragon spewing fire. ( She was a big dragon fan). And again whether it was a sign or a weird twist of fate. I took it as a sign and am now dealing with her being gone a lot better. I will go on with my life because she would be very disappointed if I didn't. My point is that once you can bear the absence of your loved one there is a new look on life you want to make that person proud of what you have accomplished in their absence. I have read some of the stories here and feel every one of them. But in my case doing what I said I would somehow has helped me. It is really too soon to feel anything different than what you are feeling. Please give it time and let your mind adjust to the loss and pain. If this helps at all I am glad. You can reach out to me if you would like to. I will share and try to help as much as I can. Extra hugs if you need them. John

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@John Adams Thank you for sharing this...

I would say be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions as we have waves of grief, and to expect the unexpected, but I don't want to get ahead of myself...this is quite a journey!  You are doing what few feel they can even think about at this point in time. 

@Debi C Whatever you are feeling today, let it flow...remember to breathe and sip some water and eat something.  It is enough just to "be."  We're here to listen when you are ready...

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The Handsome Honey Hotline

Hi

i lost my Lady of 17 years on January 28,2022. She died in my arms from a sudden illness.  I was left with the same feelings you have now and I will tell you how I washed away that deep grief you are feeling.  
 

First you’ll have to realize that your husband isn’t gone forever because you don’t live forever and one day your husband will take you by the hand back home in heaven. 
 

You have a purpose and a plan to fulfill. If you didn’t you’d be there already.  So you have to find your purpose and learn what you are to learn. If you don’t accept Gods plan for you grief and sadness will follow you. 
 

however if you open your heart to your Husband look for his help and signs you will get the help you need. Someone needs you. You need them. Find your purpose and accept the plan. 
happiness will follow you and one day when you have done what you need to do your husband will welcome you. He will tell you I knew you could do it. Good job.  And love will surround you. Go forth with a sense of adventure smile and let your husband live through your eyes. 
It will all make sense soon. 
hang in there. 

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I am new at this too. My hubby died 4 months ago. I still cry daily but not as much. I still think of him and talk to him all the time. I still feel all the things I felt when he died but not quite as intense. Life will never be the same for me.

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17 hours ago, John Adams said:

Debi, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure who you wanted to reach to you, but I figured ours is 10 days apart I would reach out to you. This last Saturday marked 2 weeks since she's been gone. And I've had a lot of thinking time. Between losing my sanity to blaming everything including god for taking the most precious thing to thoughts of just ending it all to just withdrawing totally from the world and drowning myself in sorrow, so I wouldn't lose the last bit of her. Then on Saturday I received her ashes, on Sunday I went and spread them in a favorite spot. Told her " I will love forever and always" and something about that moment I had a release of the suffering. Not sure why or how, but fulfilling another promise I made to her lifted a heavy burden. That night I went outside and looked up at the stars and asked if she was ok where she was. Now mind you I bought her a necklace to put with her urn because I was going to keep some of the ashes, but she wanted to be free and not be held in a box or anything. But I bought her a Dragon necklace and the next day I was sitting outside in my usual spot and there was a cloud that looked like a dragon spewing fire. ( She was a big dragon fan). And again whether it was a sign or a weird twist of fate. I took it as a sign and am now dealing with her being gone a lot better. I will go on with my life because she would be very disappointed if I didn't. My point is that once you can bear the absence of your loved one there is a new look on life you want to make that person proud of what you have accomplished in their absence. I have read some of the stories here and feel every one of them. But in my case doing what I said I would somehow has helped me. It is really too soon to feel anything different than what you are feeling. Please give it time and let your mind adjust to the loss and pain. If this helps at all I am glad. You can reach out to me if you would like to. I will share and try to help as much as I can. Extra hugs if you need them. John

Thank you. This feeling is just so so intense and hurts so bad. Need to feel him, see him but I can't 

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The Handsome Honey Hotline

Hi Debi

I wasn’t as spiritual as I am now. It took the love of my life to go away to get here. Ask yourself:  What would you tell your husband if you passed and he stayed?

I could finish my wife’s sentences so I know what she’d say.  Be Happy. Don’t worry. You got this You wicked man. 
 

here’s a suggestion Google:  “do the dead miss us?”

It got me looking at near death experience videos on YouTube.  Now I will say this. All of them have very similar messages. 
 

I would say that God has a plan for you.  You must look towards the future and open your heart to your deceased husband. Ask him for strength and guidance. He is your angel. You should resolve yourself to let him see the world through your eyes and go out and smile at people see the beauty around you people will smile back. Raise your energy. Pray. 
it will be ok. You will be ok. People are counting on you.  Your husband is counting you too.  What would he tell you?

you know he’d tell you it’s ok. You’re going to be alright. You have someone who needs you. Even if it’s not evident right now. You will be reunited  one day. Today is not that day because you have something to do. Something to learn. Earn your way to your reward. Live. 

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Debi, I know exactly what you mean. Hopefully for both our sakes it'll get better. After it happened for about the 1st week it was nothing but intense pain and grief. Being a week and a half later from all the intense pain and grief. I still have really bad days where I can just not function. I've lost my son 25 years ago, a pet that was with me for 14 years. My mother died 6 years ago from cancer and now this. I should be broken and shattered. But I'm not. Time will heal this or at least make it tolerable. Just ride the pain through and don't give up. Come here and let it out. Hugs John

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I miss you so much
On 7/13/2022 at 1:56 AM, SIeepinDragons said:

My husbandof 17 years suddenly died,  we are young,  I'm only 42, he was 49, and everyone keeps telling me its going to get better but it's been weeks and what is worse.  I can't eat,  can't sleep,  I can't think and then I can all I can think about is all the things that I'll never havein my life again.  His voice his touch his everything. I'm not afraid of death,  and if we didn't have 4 young boys I'd have already done it. He was my light,  my better half, and now he's gone and I don't want to be in a world thai doesn't have him in it.  I don't want to be a widow,  I was happy being wife! I'm sinking and can't see any way to stop. I don't have the strength to fight it. 

Nothing and no one can make this better. Not time not anything. This is my very own he** until our babies are older.  Then I can go, I promised him I'd take care of them I can't see any joy any light anymore.  I want to go but I promised him. 

You have 4 young boys from him, he has given you 4 big reasons to continue.

I feel like you, I have no children and unfortunately, we didn't get marry. But he was brave and resilient, in spite of difficulties and I admired him, so inspiring. I guess your husband was a resilient one, too. We must keep on, for them

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