Lost in an ocean of death and grief

[MissAlex]

 I'd already lost my mom, my grandma, my husband and my cat, but I discovered in April that my old love and one of my best friends had died suddenly. He was a Serbian national living in the UK and we'd met back in 1998 on an online journaling site. We'd written furiously back and forth to one another constantly since then, and I'd gone to the UK in 2006 to escape my flaming trash heap of a marriage and had begun divorce proceedings. I spent a few weeks there with him and the fire we lit then never did go out. We kept writing and texting and IMing for years. After my second husband passed, my Serbian friend told me that for his master's degree he'd be coming to the States near me, so we could be together. Problem was, he hadn't told anyone that he had acute liver disease, and one day he just passed out. He was taken to the hospital and put in a medically induced coma, where they found out about the liver disease and he died without ever waking again. 

And I, stupidly now, kept sending him angry IMs and emails, asking what the hell happened to him. He died the day before the 1st anniversary of my husband's death, and 6 months later his baby mama texts me saying that she had something to tell me. Then nothing. It finally dawned on me what is could be so I texted her back - He's dead isn't he? And then I got a perfunctory telling of what went down and a few days later I got an email from his kid filling me in on the details: that before he'd passed out he'd left the baby mama and stormed out, saying that he wanted to go be with me in the US. It was gut wrenching. It ripped what little was left of my love and compassion and tore them to pieces. It's like my last chance for love has been ripped from my already bruised and shaking hands and now, other than my daughter, I have so little left in my life. 

I feel like all I do is hold in my tears, pull myself together to show a brave face when inside I'm screaming and wailing over everything and everyone I've lost. There are days when the tears just won't come because I've gone numb, my soul just in tatters. I don't know how to come back from any of this.

[Hope4all]

I am so sorry for your losses. No wonder you are having a hard time. How terrible that you didn’t even have an idea that he was ill and didn’t get to say goodbye and had to find out the way you did 6 months later. I don’t have any answer to why some people have to experience such hardship but I hope you hang on and do the best you can to get through it! Know you are not alone- everyone here has lost or is about to lose someone they love. Your daughter needs you but it is perfectly normal and healthy to feel your sadness. 

[Valerie Lockhart]

Dear MissAlex,

I'm so sorry for your losses. It seems so unfair that death should have the power to take away those you love. And when it happens, the thought of never again being able to talk to, laugh with, or hold your loved ones can be most difficult to bear. That pain is not necessarily erased by being told that your loved one is up in heaven. I've learned that the Bible, however, holds out a much different hope. I've found that the Scriptures indicate that it is possible to be reunited with your dead loved one in the near future, not in an unknown heaven but right here on earth under peaceful, righteous conditions. And at that time humans will have the prospect of enjoying perfect health, and they will never have to die again. ‘But surely that is wishful thinking!’ you might say. What would it take to convince you that this is a sure hope? To believe in a promise, you would need to be certain that the one making the promise is both willing and able to fulfill it. Who, then, is it that promises that the dead will live again? I've experienced my share of loss too. What has helped me to move on is knowing that Jesus Christ boldly promised: “Just as the Father raises the dead up and makes them alive, so the Son also makes those alive whom he wants to. Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his [Jesus’] voice and come out.” (John 5:21, 28, 29) Yes, Jesus Christ promised that millions now dead will live again on this earth and have the prospect of remaining on it forever under peaceful, paradisaic conditions. (Luke 23:43; John 3:16; 17:3; compare Psalm 37:29 and Matthew 5:5.) Since Jesus made the promise, it is  safe to assume that he is willing to fulfill it. I look forward to seeing my mother, grandparents, aunt, friends and even my father back alive on a paradise earth. I hope you too will find comfort in the above scriptures. May the God of comfort take hold of your hand and walk beside you during this difficult time. 

 

[Goforth860]

I truly understand the multitude of the many loses. About 4 ½ mths ago I lost the person in my life. I used to say that John was me and I was him. Which we were. But I heard it put as we were each other's person and that too sounds like a great description of us. I have also had multiple losses. In the past 4 years I have lost my momma my emotional support dog and now i have lost John. There aren't any words anyone can say that will make you feel like you havent lost your entire world or better yet make this be a horrible nightmare that anyone of our lost loved ones can wake us up from. You are so right about holding the tears in and putting on a front for others. I too have been in a feeling of total dispare but there's also the times of feeling numb. Numb to the point of thinking but not having any type form or fashion of a feeling. Like a void. Nothingness. Totally empty. Having nothing left in me at all. Not even the heart that was shattered and ripped from my chest. I guess that would be the emptiness we feel. There's no heart left in us so we can't have a single emotion. The heart is what makes you grow fonder. Or your heart breaks. Well ours has been ripped out of our chest so there's no ability to feel anything.  Not most of the time for me anyway. I know John and I had bad times. When they were bad they were bad but when they were good they were great. So do your best to remember the good yall had together. I texted John a cpl times after he died. Telling him that I loved him and how sorry I was for the argument we were in. I used to msg my mom on fb. I quit though because I was afraid it would erase our msgs to each other.  I just write in my journal and I tell them how much I love and miss them. I understand that we all want to have our loved ones back. I said that everyday 100 times a day but I know everyone got tired of hearing it so I have kinda quit saying it. I still think it 1000 times a day and so wish It could be but I know it never will be. I truly hope you can find a way to focus on yourself.  You are the # 1 person in your life who understand the love you had for those you have lost. You said you have a daughter.  Concentrate on her and taking care of the two of you right now.