My soul mate is going to die

[taratibu2]

I just found out my chihuahua has a tumor on a nerve in his spine. He saved my life 8 years ago when I was in a bad place. I suffer with reactive depression and I've tried to kill myself twice before. I only lived for him. He has a short time to live. They want to do a biopsy which might make him paralysed. Depending on the type of tumor he has possibly a few months to a year. I feel like my life is over. He is my reason for living. I am crushed. No one can say anything to me to make this better. 😭

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I will post my thread about "Living with Loss," a story of when my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, was dying with cancer and our journey.

I highly recommend getting a counselor to walk you through this time.  

I also recommend your calling a suicide hotline. 

Grief specialist

This is anticipatory grief and can help to have professional help guiding you through this:
Anticipating the Death of a Cherished Pet
Anticipatory-Preparing for The Loss of a Pet
Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources
Anticipatory Grief: Symptoms and Purpose
Anticipatory Grief at Work
Pet Loss Counseling

 

Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If Suicidal thoughts are reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808

 

[foreverhis]

Words can hardly express how sad I am for you today.  I'm glad you found your way here though.  All the members understand and will help you as much as they can.  Of course we will all worry for you as you and your love go through this seemingly impossible time.  Please, if you feel those suicidal thoughts and actions creep in, contact the resources Kay has listed above.  If you have a therapist, I urge you to reach out for help now.  And come here to talk any time about anything.

You're right that no one can say or do anything to make this painful time better.  But we can be here to support you through it in whatever ways we are able.

 

[taratibu2]

Sorry its taken a while to reply. Thoughts go round and round my head.

I got told to find reiki for him. Someone i know does reiki. i know it wont cure him but it might help relax him and ease his pain. i told her that he was booked in for the surgery.

she told me i was being selfish and that i should let him die. She said she cant perform reiki on him because her reiki is too strong. i spoke to a friend in canada who does reiki and she said that the woman was talking BS.  I'm trying to do a bit of healing myself but at the end of the day its all down to my dog and the surgeon. he follows me everywhere even though its painful for him the walk around. I'm slowly accepting that he will leave me. wouldnt it be so much easier to accept rainbow bridge, but i dont. i feel that rainbow bridge was written to make people feel better. what if you die before your dog? what if the dog has another owner after you and gets attached to them? I think we all need to believe that there is an afterlife and that we will all see our loved ones again. In fact i think its a need in us that we want to know this. doesnt it make death easier to accept if we know they are waiting for us? I know that if i absolutely knew this for a fact then it would help so much. i've never had any close friends or family. no one shows love in my family. I've always turned to animals for love. Dobby is the closest friend and family i have. I have people around me but they dont meant to me what he does.  I work from home to make sure my mum is ok. shes 79 but she winds me up a lot. its hard to stay calm and not irritated with her. Dobby is my retreat from it all, he shows me love and sleeps in my bed, and i feel wanted and loved. I will be so empty without him. Life will drag by while i wait for my turn to join Dobby if he is there. My friend in canada says they stay with you. someone else said that they stay wih you for a while but may get reborn and find their way back to you. if this is the case and i dont find him, then how will he be there when i die. too many questions. I think i need a real medium to talk too. someone who can answer my questions. its the only way i can get my head around all the what ifs. My life only gained meaning when i got Dobby 8 years ago. I am 57 this year. I tried killing myself because life was just so lonely and I cant let people in. Ive been hurt too much by people. 

sorry for the rambling. This is the only place i can speak what i feel. my trainer wants me to eat but i can barely face food. i dont even want to work out anymore. i'm only doing it because he needs the money and i feel sorry for him. I cant see how i will ever come through this. even if dobby survives and has a few months left or a year, i will know he could go anytime. but then i guess he could anyway. I always had a feeling that he would go early even though i hoped he would live for at least 18 years. I knew it was cancer before the vets did. 

I know all of you have been through loss of your beloveds too and you know how i feel. so much pain and loss. I cry most of the day. i hold him and stroke him and try to get thousands of pictures of him but he hates that. I am so scared i will forget him, forget the way he lifts his eyebrow questioningly, how his teeth are crooked, how his hair near his bum makes him look like he has 2 butt holes, how his beautiful brown eyes are full of life and intelligence, how he barks at me if i'm not fast enough with his food, and how he snuggles between my legs for a while at bed time.  I'm frightened i wont be able to picture him any more. I am not able to picture faces when i close my eyes. I've never been able to do that. And i'll never smell his wonderful doggy smell again. 

sorry for the length of this. thank you for being there for me.

 

 

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, taratibu2 said:

sorry for the length of this. thank you for being there for me.

I want to say that you never need to apologize for anything here.  This is the place to let out everything you can/want without judgment or criticism. I know there are no words that can make this easier, but please know you will be in my thoughts and heart today.

You will never forget Dobby.  Never.  It's good that you are taking pictures and cementing memories in your heart.  That may help you later.  For now, you are doing everything you can for him, loving and caring for him as he loves and cares for you.  That's a real gift.  In life, people can certainly let us down, but our pets, our fur family do not. 

While the Rainbow Bridge may have been thought of or created to help us feel better, I also believe that it exists in some form or another.  Of course I can offer no proof.  It's simply part of my faith that there are many things in this vast, mysterious universe that our human brains cannot perceive or understand while we're here on earth.

It's understandable that you are questioning everything and everyone right now, especially because you're getting conflicting information.  I'm certain that whatever you decide, it will be out of love for Dobby.  And however much time you have with him will remain in your heart forever.

[AJWCat]

I am so so sorry to read this.