Feeling disconnected from my person

[MP28]

Hi.  I recently lost my best friend, soulmate, my person in April.  He died in his sleep unexpectedly, he was only 34 years old.  I never felt the way I felt about him before, he meant so much to me and I cherish every moment I had with him even more now than I did before.  It's been a roller coaster of emotions to say the least, however more recently I have been feeling very disconnected from him and numb.  I don't like it because it makes me feel like I don't care or am past it already?  I'm thinking it's a way I'm protecting myself because I need to function and am too exhausted to keep crying.  But I am so afraid of letting him go.  I am scared of forgetting our memories.  I don't want to move on without him.  I can only watch the same videos and look at the same pictures and reread our text conversations so many times.  He was in my life for the past two years, but we were exclusively together the last 7 months before he died.  It's so upsetting because my time with him feels so short and our memories so finite.  I miss him so much, but lately I don't feel much of anything.  I hope this is just temporary.  

[KayC]

 

 

I am so sorry for your loss!  I am glad you searched for and found us! My heart goes out to you as you try to make your way through this early grief.  I hope you will continue to come here to read and post, it helps, it really does.  Try not to worry about forgetting.  It's been 17 years for me on Father's Day and I haven't forgotten our life together, how it felt when he held me, how he smelled, the sound of his voice, nothing.  Right now some things may be eluding you because of grief fog/grief brain but you will get through that.  Our focus may never be the same as before, but our focus improves.  

25 minutes ago, MP28 said:

I'm thinking it's a way I'm protecting myself because I need to function

Yes, we do what we have to to survive.  Some eke out their crying time to get through...

27 minutes ago, MP28 said:

lately I don't feel much of anything.  I hope this is just temporary.  

It is.  Try not to worry, just take a day at a time and remember to breathe.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Roseapple]

I do understand you. My time with my love was cut way to short too. It’s been 6 month now since he passed. This past month so many memories are flashing by in my mind. I was in a fog for months. I am still struggling with really accepting that he is dead and that there is no coming back from that no fix nothing to fight for. It’s just over. I went from a zombie, to breaking down, to moments when I thought I am better, in circles and up and down. It’s been so exhausting, not understanding what to feel. I did get a grief counselor, which helped me making steps. You will go through many phases and there is no clear path. Just keep going, day at a time, keep talking, keep believing that you will be okay one day. Here are people that understand what you are going through. Talk to them.