Our person saw and heard us

[DWS]

During all of this perplexing grief work...the endless search for some comfort and meaning and answers...one astute observation that I've been reading about is our need for the loss and our grief to be seen and heard. This is something that many of us discuss on here...how life continues on and others in our lives get back to focusing on their worlds which often leaves us alone to deal with our emotional selves. 

And maybe that's the way life is in general but going farther into this, I've realized that that's why losing our spouses/partners/companions is as traumatic as it is. They were the ones who saw us and heard us. I'm not going to be too bold to say that that was their job or their duty but that's what they became and it was wonderful! To have someone to rely upon for every little thought and observation that we made throughout each day, they were there and we ended up counting on that. They got to know us...the good, the bad and maybe some ugly too...but they saw it and heard it and loved us anyway. Heroes in every way. 

That's a lot to lose. You bet we're gonna grieve for a long, long time and deservedly so. 

[KayC]

You bet!  You've articulated it very well.  It can leave us feeling like a non-person, uncared about.  That especially hit home to me, esp. since I get the feeling I'm very much on my own as far as my kids/family are concerned.  I wonder about @tnd as her family cast her aside.  When I can't even get a response from my kids to a simple text, say within two weeks, it hurts, yet that is the norm anymore.  Others very little understand what this is like!  There was that one person that cared, and now they're gone...it doesn't matter if it's been a week, a month, or many years, the effect is the same, we're struggling and no one seems to care.  It's kind of like floundering in an ocean, trying not to drown, while everyone is at the beach, no one swimming out to us, no one alarmed, no one...caring.

God I wish I had answers for you, but I have none, I'm feeling in the same boat.  All I know to do is care for MYSELF, and sometimes it helps but sometimes it doesn't feel enough.  I try to reach out to people, will continue trying, it's been an upstream swim since Covid, but the isolation is becoming more the norm. 

I will continue to try, it's all I can do.  Just sitting out on the deck at my neighbor's while our dogs play, helps.  Even if we talk about nothing important (more often than not), it's some form of interaction.  Coming here helps.

Yesterday I went to my FB Diabetic Group (I'm a moderator so very involved in it) and could not view, post, comment, anything...this is what I got all day!...it's kind of how I felt when George died only a much smaller impact of course...just cut off.

[DWS]

12 minutes ago, KayC said:

It's kind of like floundering in an ocean, trying not to drown, while everyone is at the beach, no one swimming out to us, no one alarmed, no one...caring.

Wow...that is the most perfect analogy yet! We could run with this comparison...how all of us here see each other bobbing out in the waters with us; occasionally helping each other stay above water; and then all of us swimming to the next one who lands in the water with us because we know they need the most assistance right now. 

[Sparky1]

For now, I can take care of myself but who knows what will happen when I'm older and can't do things anymore. My wife and I were always there for each other, and always promised each other to grow old together. The kids don't care. Two of them are far and the closest one is 20 minutes away and I never get a call or visit  unless I call. The younger one calls me about once a week and she is the one I could count on but she's 4 hours away. I have taken an early retirement a few weeks ago with full pension so I've got a lot of time that my wife and I were eagerly waiting for.

Next week I'm going for cataract surgery on my right eye and 2 weeks later on my left eye. This is the time I needed my wife. It hurts me so much that I lost the one person who I could trust, confide in, and depend on being by my side. The closest child just got a new job so he can't bring me. My sister was going to take the day off work but thankfully a good friend will take me even though it's a long drive for her. I have to recover all alone doing things with one eye for a few days. Like @DWS said it's like being adrift in the middle of the ocean hoping for help that doesn't come. No one except us that has suffered a loss understands, and how much our partner meant to us.

 

 

 

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

Next week I'm going for cataract surgery on my right eye and 2 weeks later on my left eye. This is the time I needed my wife. It hurts me so much that I lost the one person who I could trust, confide in, and depend on being by my side. The closest child just got a new job so he can't bring me. My sister was going to take the day off work but thankfully a good friend will take me even though it's a long drive for her. I have to recover all alone doing things with one eye for a few days.

These are those moments where we really miss that person who knew us best because we can feel so vulnerable in any type of healthcare. Having our spouses and partners there was a nice security blanket.

My sister just went through cataract surgery on both eyes and had no problems at all so hopefully that's a reassurance for you. Her only setback was being one who could not put eyedrops in herself. Luckily for her, she lives with one of my brothers so he begrudgingly helped her with that.

[KayC]

@Sparky1 I understand.  I had a meltdown this morning as I need help that only George would do, and I cried out to him, "I NEED you!!"  My voice was filled with anguish.  Kodie came to me and showed me affection.  At least it helps that I have a sweet little companion dog that cares, he may not be able to help me through surgeries, etc. but somehow his caring helps.  Keeping you in prayer as you go through this.

[Laura Vence]

This is very astute! When I lost my son 11 years ago, it was my Bernard who was always present and there. Sometimes it didn't feel enough at the time, but I know he got me through it all. 

I'm so sorry for the world we live in at least in this country and culture right now. A lot of too busy, self-aborbed people, "individualism" with a toxic point to it. We've lost our sense of community. I'm reading a collection of Seneca, who wrote in ancient Rome that we should live near death everyday. To share death with others is a blessing, really, because we are all better prepared as a person, a group and a society when it is our turn, to lose or to die ourselves. And yet our society rejects death and treats it like something abnormal. As if it wasn't our most complete bond as humans. I am sorry for those who can't extend themselves a wee bit, to grow and learn with us, those of us who have lost a lot. It doesn't have to be this way. But thus is the culture--. 

Know that we all become much wiser and more compassionate, experiencing our beloved ones' deaths, and not being afraid to love and care for others going through a similar process. Life is about love and growth and facing the real. Too many people are ostriches in the proverbial sand. I mourn for them, more than us.

Edith Wharton's great novel is titled after the phrase from Ecclesiastes, which I have read at BOTH my beloveds burial ceremonies: It is better to go to the house of mourning than the house of mirth. 

The house of mirth is a superficial "vacation" spot, and no one should stay there. No one CAN stay there, ultimately. It is "mirth," but not joy. 

 

Goodnight my friends from the East Coast. 

[Mojo]

15 hours ago, DWS said:

I've realized that that's why losing our spouses/partners/companions is as traumatic as it is. They were the ones who saw us and heard us. I'm not going to be too bold to say that that was their job or their duty but that's what they became and it was wonderful! To have someone to rely upon for every little thought and observation that we made throughout each day, they were there and we ended up counting on that. They got to know us...the good, the bad and maybe some ugly too...but they saw it and heard it and loved us anyway. Heroes in every way. 

That's a lot to lose. You bet we're gonna grieve for a long, long time and deservedly so. 

That is a perfect description of the way that I, and I’m sure countless others, feel.

That interaction every day with the one you love - your best friend - is a habit that is difficult to be forced to break.

Remember, yes, they were heroes for loving us unconditionally. But we we were heroes too in their eyes. We gave them the same unconditional love in return.

Yes, it is a lot to lose and grieving will take a long, long time.

Very well stated.

 

[I miss you so much]

On 6/29/2022 at 3:02 PM, DWS said:

During all of this perplexing grief work...the endless search for some comfort and meaning and answers...one astute observation that I've been reading about is our need for the loss and our grief to be seen and heard. This is something that many of us discuss on here...how life continues on and others in our lives get back to focusing on their worlds which often leaves us alone to deal with our emotional selves. 

And maybe that's the way life is in general but going farther into this, I've realized that that's why losing our spouses/partners/companions is as traumatic as it is. They were the ones who saw us and heard us. I'm not going to be too bold to say that that was their job or their duty but that's what they became and it was wonderful! To have someone to rely upon for every little thought and observation that we made throughout each day, they were there and we ended up counting on that. They got to know us...the good, the bad and maybe some ugly too...but they saw it and heard it and loved us anyway. Heroes in every way. 

That's a lot to lose. You bet we're gonna grieve for a long, long time and deservedly so. 

You're so right in your words.

They were the ones who understood

[I miss you so much]

21 hours ago, LostThomas said:

It is indeed.  I have declared myself a "Love Warrior".  I am going to tell the world about the love of my life and I'm probably going to do it for a long time because there's a lot I want to say.   That doesn't mean I'm not hurting; it means I'm devastated over the loss.  I'm not going to get to some vague 'acceptance', I'm not going to move on, or get over it, or conclude that something good can come out of something like this.  I'm going to tell the world about the love of my life, why I was the luckiest man on earth to have what I had, and I'm going to express empathy and support for others who lost the love of their lives too.  I'm not going to let the light of love vanish into thin air.  That is not my purpose in what is left of my own life.  If I have to crawl on my belly, weakened from the pain of this loss, to finish this race for love I will do it.   I'm not going to allow this love to fade, for any purpose whatsoever.

I love your comment, the super power that your love has given you. I love your determination, the strentgh in your words.

She's been lucky of having found you. The force of your love, I can feel it...

Thanks for your inspiring post

[AJ4]

That's true.  He's the only one that I could share every part of me with, no matter how good, bad or trivial, he got to hear it all and he never turned away thinking that it was too bad or too silly.   He was always on my side.  Plus he remembered everything for me. I can't remember stuff all the time, so I'd always ask him- what was it that we did that one time? Or when was the last time we did such and such?  I was driving home today and asking him out loud "When was this, I can't remember anymore? Maybe you can give me some kind of sign from beyond to spur my memory" but so far, I have heard nothing.  I told him I thought we might be reincarnated together as future people on a star ship, like Star Trek, and be young and in love again.   He always wanted to go into space.   

[KayC]

Even in Christianity we believe we will be that "perfect age" (whatever that is) no more tears or sorrow, and I believe we will be young...as for love, it continues, it doesn't die with the body.