Introduction and experiences with siblings-in-law

[RandyTN]

I'm new here.  First post.  I lost my wife of 34 years on April 1st of pancreatic cancer.  She was 62 and I am 61.   I have been on other forums before (fishing, boating, political, etc) but never imagined I'd find myself on a forum like this one.   (I was supposed to go first)   I won't go on & on in detail here, but suffice it to say I still struggle tremendously with the sorrow and the alone-ness every day.

I've been reading just a bit on here and would be interested to hear of anyone's else.s experiences with siblings-in-law?  My brothers and sisters in law (who live in another part of the country) were very supportive in the weeks following my wife's passing ....  but now that the memorial service was conducted (about six weeks later) I've been feeling they're kind of ghosting me.   There is one in particular I was leaning on and who seemed to want to be there for me (the one who hosted both of us in her home for many months as we went back and forth to her city which has a major cancer center)  ... I wouldn't mind the others so much, but that's the one that really kind of stings.   

[Gail 8588]

RandyTN, 

Welcome. I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I were married for 38 years. The alone-ness is very hard to adjust to. The silence cuts like a knife.  A pet can help a bit, to at least have some living being in your home. Many of us leave the TV on, or the radio, to break the silence.  But of course, nothing can really fill the void. 

Being abandoned by friends and family is a pretty common refrain here.  It is hard for many people to be around a grieving person. They don't know what to say or how to act. They are often also grieving the loss, but to a very different degree than you are.  They don't want to make you feel worse and they don't know how to make things better. So it is easier to just avoid you.  It's not right or fair, but it often is what happens. 

I'm glad you found this forum.  We understand how life shattering this is. All of your future plans gone, growing old together, gone. But also your day to day experiences, all the little things she did for you and you did for her, all gone.  It is an enormous loss. We get it. Our lives have been shattered too. 

Come here to vent or share as you feel the need. We will be here for you. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

Randy, I am so sorry for your loss, I have come to despise the C word, I've had a neighbor/friend going through it for the last year, hers in her lymph glands and breast, it's been horrible watching her go through this.  
I am so sorry for your experience with the ghosting.  I went through that with my husband's family, and ALL of our friends!  It kind of stunned me, as if his death wasn't enough to deal with, to be so alone in it too!  My family cared but didn't have a clue, and only one lived nearby, and now she too has passed.  My kids are grown and gone.  Little does anyone realize how MUCH this affects our lives!  It's like society has patience for a week or two but then expects us to "move on," which of course we never do as it's something we have to learn to live with, not move on from.  They disappear on us because it makes THEM uncomfortable (like WE like it?!) and it also makes them aware of their own mortality (realizing if it can happen to us, it can happen to them too!) so it's easier to disappear and not be reminded of what they don't want to think about.  But we aren't so lucky, we don't have a choice, we are hit with this every moment of every day.
Friends, letdown
Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

It's a little trickier with family.  IF you feel like it, you might reach out to them and share your feelings, see if it helps, but only you can decide if you want to continue in light of their ghosting.

It's been 17 years for me Father's Day.  I've learned to live with the changes it's meant for my life, but I can say it's a slow arduous journey to get used to all of the adjustments and changes...and everyone's journey is unique and individual, as individual as we all are, as our coping skills are, our flexibility, our efforts and grief work (what we do to help ourselves.  I remember feeling angry that I had to do anything!  I didn't ask for this!  I didn't want this!  But anger didn't aid me, and I eventually had to do what I could, counseling, forums, books, articles, eventually even starting grief support groups.  What probably helped me the most was my grief form, it was like a grief support group in a way.  I was fortunate to have a hands on Mod/Admin who was a retired grief counselor with a degree in Thanatology, full of articles, helps!  I am still there 17 years later and I've learned so much from her.

I hope you will continue to come here to read/post, you are very welcome here and we are here for you as you journey with us.  This group is like a family in a sense, caring about each other.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.