Lost my ex boyfriend when entering a new relationship

[Gen1221]

I was with my ex boyfriend on and off for almost 4 years. It got pretty toxic at times but the last year we started to see a good change. We had always stayed friends even when we were apart. This last summer we spent quite a bit of time together and had both seen other people. I know he loved me and he knew I loved him but we were young and we needed time to grow and figure things out away from each other. Figure ourselves out a little bit more. We had some of the absolute best times together. He was my best friend and held me on my worst nights. When I was going through family issues he’d hold me in the front seat of my car while I slept and never moved a muscle while he held me tight. He sat like that for hours on multiple occasions. He really was my best friend above all else. And even thought we didn’t work out then I had hoped there would be a future for us both one day. He did too. We talked about it quite a bit. At the end of July I had met someone and it seemed great. He was moving to Florida and he wanted me to drive down with him. I stayed for a couple of weeks and we had decided I’d move down too. I don’t know if it was because I was in love or the way he made me feel. I went back home and told my ex and of course he was upset. He didn’t want me to go and he begged me to stay. He was worried I would get hurt and I assumed he was saying all of that for selfish reasons, but now I know it did seem kind of foolish to leave and start a relationship and life with a man I had only dated for weeks. At that point I figured it’d be best if I cut contact until I moved so no issues between the two would come up.  It was hard but I did it. On my drive down in September he called me and I picked up the phone. He called me every morning to check on me and make sure I was okay. He made sure I had everything I needed and that I was safe. Every. Single. Day. He’d tell me about the girls he was seeing and I was happy that he was happy but I could tell he still hurt. He pretended to be happy and after years of being together I could tell he was struggling. We always said one day. One day things would be better for us. Whether we’re together or apart, we’ll be happy, we’ll stay friends. He said he had always hoped there’d be a day for us and I couldn’t say it out loud at the time but I did too. I wanted something to workout. Whether it be with the guy I moved down to Florida with or the first man I ever fell in love with. I loved them both so much it was so hard. One had shown me all the ups and downs of a relationship and the other smothered me in love, but that was because nothing hard had happened yet. I planned to visit in January and we would eat dinner with his grandparents and he’d show me his new car that he had just bought and dreamed about since he was a kid. I felt good. I had my best friend back and I had my boyfriend who treated me like a princess. I don’t know if other people can feel bad things happening before it actually does or if they pick up on the hints that the universe gives us about the future but that’s what it felt like the night he passed. I was laying in bed with my boyfriend going through my Burn After Writing book and asking questions and reading what I had previously wrote in some. One question was who is your biggest heartbreak ? Of course I wrote my ex boyfriend’s name. And another question was who is the person you fear the most to lose ? Again, my ex boyfriend. I was slightly buzzed and it made me tear up. I decided to go running and I called him. He was headed to the bar for a pool tournament. He didn’t really want to go but a few buddies invited him. I told him to be safe three times. I went running and I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night and texted him. No reply. So I asked if he was okay, if he made it home safely. I woke up the next morning and still hadn’t received anything. I texted him again and called him and got on my social media to see any activity. He was gone. His grandma called me that morning and since that October morning nothings been the same. My heart broke. He was almost home and wrecked his car. I was the last person he texted but I had set down my phone and went to bed. All of me misses him. He begged me to stay and I left and he’s gone and I’m still here. I was so thankful that my boyfriend was understanding. But only so far. Losing my ex and best friend took a toll. We were brand new in a relationship and I’m crying over my ex every day. We lasted a couple more months and then he called it quits. I wasn’t who he met in July anymore. He didn’t say it but I could tell that’s what he meant. Im not the same girl anymore. I changed. I was depressed and irritable and I know no one would want to be with someone like that but it frustrated me that he couldn’t wait for the storm to pass. It hurts. I just lost my best friend and now im losing my boyfriend and only support during this hard time. I feel alone.  I know he’ll listen but he won’t get it. I don’t expect him to. Every day I think of him and all the plans we made. I feel regret for the choices I’ve made. At one point I was thankful that it happened at this time. I thought everything happens for a reason and I have a man who loves me and can support me and be a shoulder to cry on during this difficult time. But I really didn’t. The one who was there for me always is gone. The one who laid with me and came up with baby names and kissed my belly praying for a miracle to happen, who couldn’t fall asleep without me, who would hold me while he played video games and I could be 100% myself with isn’t here. I fall asleep at night with the other ones back toward me. The one who said he could potentially see a future with me then took it all back when things got hard. My choices have consequences. I got out of that small town but I lost the love of my life and I can never get him back. 

[reader]

Dear Gen1221,

I am deeply sorry for your loss and that no one has replied back to you sooner. I was going to suggest reposting your story to Loss of Partner thread for more support. 

https://forums.grieving.com/forum/15-loss-of-a-partner/

Please know that none of us can predict the future. I wish we could. You did the best you could under the circumstances.

Wishing you peace and comfort. x