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46 years


LMR

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Tomorrow (Saturday) would be our 46th wedding anniversary. Last year I was in our home, this year I am 5000 miles away. I know I will do my best to block. out all thoughts and force myself to go outside at least for a walk to distract myself. It's 21 months since I lost him and this year has just been getting harder. My mind is in turmoil. I can't remember things. Not things about him but everyday things. I am coping but that's about it.

 

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Same with me.  My grieving is so intense I have no energy to do my daily tasks and forgot a lot of things too.  I think I am also in some sort of depression.  I stare at empty space and my mind totally blanks out. 

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I think I must do that too. I have no idea where the time goes. Just sitting alone watching time disappear.

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18 hours ago, LMR said:

Tomorrow (Saturday) would be our 46th wedding anniversary.

Thinking of you today...Hoping you find your way through this, I know it's tough, I never have figured out how to do our anniversaries. :wub:  If I had the $ and if they hadn't torn the motel down, I'd go to the place we stayed our honeymoon and anniversaries and just reflect/remember...
Special Days

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6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I really have come to believe the loss of a spouse/soulmate  results in a sort of brain injury that takes time to heal. 

I've often compared it to brain trauma, it's VERY much like that!  We are never the same again, but our brain, when you learn about it, is most amazing at repairing and building new pathways, it does it's best to help us survive even trauma.

4 hours ago, LMR said:

The hardest thing yesterday was that nobody else remembered

That's how his death day is for me (Father's Day, June 19th), it doesn't help that everyone else's lives go on and they HAVE one!  They're all busy, no one thinks about what I'm going through...this is a journey it seems we do alone too much.  It'd be nice to have someone that remembered/cared.  My sister would have but she had dementia, and now even she is gone.

I'm sorry you find yourself going through this alone.:wub:

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On 6/26/2022 at 9:16 AM, LMR said:

I used to enjoy reading but now the only books I manage to get through are those about grief.

The same for me LMR...I can't focus on anything else!

Only books on grief and the mistery of death...

My friends shake their heads...

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On 6/26/2022 at 12:16 AM, LMR said:

I used to enjoy reading

I have been a voracious reader my whole life.  I was that kid with the flashlight under the covers reading after bedtime.  When I was in my later teens after my much younger baby sister was old enough to climb into a top bunk, my parents put us in the same room so my dad could have his office back.  That was fine with me because my sister and I adored each other (and still do).  So my parents bought the coolest bunk set ever:  It had the two beds--real beds, not those little springs--set at 90 degrees and with a built in dresser.  I had the lower bunk, which sat partway under the upper and had shelves and a reading light!  It was not just my space, it was my refuge.  Our house was filled with books and the library was one of my favorite places.  I have always had stacks of paperbacks and lists of books to add to it.

When John was fighting his cancer, I didn't read much because I was caring for him.  After he died, I think I read two books in the first 14-16 months.  I can't even tell you what they were.  It's going on 4 years and I'm not sure I will ever get my brain back to where it was.  I already had cognitive issues from auto-immune conditions, but this was a whole different level.  I've improved quite a bit in the past 2 years, though I still have times when I feel like I simply cannot think and sit there staring at some screen or another.

Unfortunately, what you're experiencing is typical, almost expected, in early grief.  Gail is right that we each go through this at our own pace and in our own time.  Be patient with yourself.  You are not alone.

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No, it's not just early grief. I'm four years and two months in and I still have trouble reading or even watching anything. Just can't concentrate so I don't. I research as much as I can on the afterlife but not on grief anymore because I know all about that. Is my grief "complicated grief? Probably but I will deal with it as much as I can for as long as I remain here which is not too long hopefully.

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I didn't watch t.v. for YEARS, it was ten years before I could read a book for enjoyment, and now that I have Kodie, I can't at all, he is my constant companion but so attentive that it makes it hard to focus...in the early years I couldn't focus because of grief brain, and now because of my companion dog!  He lets me when sitting at my computer, but if I'm on the couch he thinks it's a free for all.

As for the grief fog/brain, I don't think mine was ever the same after losing George.  Don't get me wrong, it got better to a point, I used to be the very BEST in my field, but after a few years, I'd have to say I was in the 90 some percentile, not at my very best.  I knew what I did when I was younger, I couldn't do it again, the focus just isn't there like it used to be.  Some of it may be getting older, but I attribute it mostly to grief fog as that was when it changed.

As to afterlife...
https://www.foreverfamilyfoundation.org/pages/afterlife-science
Continuing Bonds - rituals, world, body, life, beliefs, cause, time, person, human

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