Horrifying death of spouse

[Laura C.]

My husband fought terminal cancer in his sacrum for almost 8 years.  Three weeks go he was admitted to hospital and we knew the end was near.  As the days went by his pain levels kept increasing and the doctors increased his pain medications to try to keep up, but it was becoming impossible. He was being given amounts of pain medications that nobody had eve seen administered before and still he kept going.  They tried to keep him sedated but the pain kept breaking through.  Last night when I left he was asleep and seemed comfortable.

This morning when I went in he was obviously in agony.  His eyes were open and stating and he was shuddering and shaking and jerking, gasping for air,  but unable to speak or cry out.  He knew I was there and I could see pleading in his eyes.  All I could do was talk to him and try to comfort him.

After about an hour his breathing slowed down and he passed away, finally.

It's not the fact of his death that is killing me -- we expected it for a long time.

What is breaking me is the horrible way he died, in agony, unable to speak, suffocating and desperate, looking into my eyes for any kind of hope or relief. I think that image will haunt me for the rest of my life and wake me up in the middle of the night forever.  I don't know how I will ever get over it.

[Gail 8588]

Laura C, 

I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you witnessed in your husband's final hours.

Living with some terrible memories is something many of us struggle with.  So many times I wished I could switch off my brain, just to get a little sleep. But it would never shut off.

It took quite awhile for those difficult images to move out of my present awareness.  They are still with me, but they are no longer intruding into my present consciousness all the time. 

Like you, I believe these memories will always be with me, but they no longer cause me the agony they did in my early years of grieving. 

I wish I could give you some special way to make these painful memories fade, but I don't know one.  I can say that eventually you will be able to carry even the terrible memories with you, as a small part of the whole of the loving relationship you shared. 

Hugs

Gail

 

 

[Laura C.]

Thank you for your response. At least I'm not alone. 

I just can't get that image out of my head.  The love of my life in agony and me unable to help him.   They were giving him more medication than anyone at the hospital had ever seen given to a patient and yet it didn't work. And the horrible suffocating at the same time.

All I could do was tell him I loved him. I leaned in close so he could feel me near and said it was okay for him to go, that I would be okay, but I'm really not okay at all. 

If he had just slipped away I'd sad, but I was ready for that because he's been in decline for a long time and dealing with lots of pain that his medications just couldn't reach.  I've been his caregiver for along time and accepted the fact of his death. But this, I couldn't imagine this horror and shock and anguish at seeing this awful suffering.  

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Laura C. said:

I don't know how I will ever get over it.

I don't know that we do, what he went through no one should ever have to.  I am so sorry for your loss and for the way he went.  My favorite dog I ever had (got him after my husband died, called him my soulmate in a dog as he was perfect for me!) had terminal cancer I have our cancer journey here:

They botched his euthanasia, he went out in extreme pain, his face contorted with it, I feel horrible guilt that he might wonder why I caused him this!  I later found out their scale was way off so they under anesthetized him.  It was the hardest thing in the world to see him suffer and die, but with a dog we can at least euthanize them when their suffering was great, with a human we can't, although in OR yes we can although they don't make it easy...(please no debate about it here!) I went through it with my precious MIL (my mom of my heart and best friend!) they sent her home to die, said it'd be a couple of weeks, it was three years...we watched as little by little her organs shut down, still she lived, so I know what you speak of...I can't imagine anything worse and the fact it was eight years...I can't imagine.

You may want to consider something like this with a qualified therapist to help you with the haunting images:

EMDR
EFT
EFT in Grief

I am so very sorry for your loss, for although it's a relief to see him finally out of his pain and suffering, it is when that finality sets in also, we can't interact with them for a long time now...

I am very glad you found this site, it helps, it really does, to read/post and know there are others that "get it" and understand...and care.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Kevin8988]

That is why I am a supporter of the physician assisted suicide for late/end stage terminally ill patients, especially those who suffer beyond medical control.

[Laura C.]

My husband was a huge proponent of Canada's MAID (medically assisted death) program and even helped write some of the briefs that were presented during the hearings before the law was enacted, but for some reason he was too afraid to go that way himself. He loved life and couldn't imagine willingly letting it go.

Even six weeks ago when I asked him to fill out his application, he didn't because he thought he had a few more months of life. If he could have seen the nature of his death and what  it would do to me, he would have gone ahead with it. 

 

 

[DWS]

29 minutes ago, Laura C. said:

My husband was a huge proponent of Canada's MAID (medically assisted death) program and even helped write some of the briefs that were presented during the hearings before the law was enacted, but for some reason he was too afraid to go that way himself. He loved life and couldn't imagine willingly letting it go.

Even six weeks ago when I asked him to fill out his application, he didn't because he thought he had a few more months of life. If he could have seen the nature of his death and what  it would do to me, he would have gone ahead with it. 

I know of two men who chose this route but both of them were single, older and had no children so those factors would have made their decisions less of a struggle. To make the decision while holding the hand of someone you love and knowing how devastated they'll be after you're gone would be the toughest thing to ever do in life. 

I am so sorry for this tremendous loss in your life and the terrible images that you've been left with. I agree with Gail's comment that, in time, that horrible scenario in the hospital will eventually fade from your present consciousness. Sadly, I live with similar images that happened to my mother in the hospital nine years ago. It will still make me tear up when I go there in my mind but the impact of what I, along with my sister and brother, witnessed then has greatly lessened. I won't lie though...to this day, I have never been able to tell any details about it to another soul. That's a choice that I made. 

Hugs to you,

Don

[Laura C.]

I just can't stop thinking about it.  I was okay yesterday but today I've just collapsed.  I know it's part of grieving but I just can't stop.  It makes me wish I had a religious faith, but all I can see is the cruelty of how he went. 

 

And now I wonder why nobody came into his room to help us, no nurses, no doctors, no nobody.  They just left us there like that.  Nobody came in with sedatives or pain medication or anything.  I know his pain was uncontrollable, but they could have at least tried to sedate him more.

[KayC]

To be honest, I'd bring this up to the staff's attention, they need to do better for the next person.  I'm sorry.

 

[Kevin8988]

To be honest, most doctors, nurses or caregivers don't care.  They are jaded, they see people die all the time.  Your loved one is just another number to them in the plant, there is no emotional attachment.  I don't blame them, think about it, if they attach themselves to every patient and pay attention to all details, they would be too exhausted every day.

[DWS]

9 minutes ago, KayC said:

To be honest, I'd bring this up to the staff's attention, they need to do better for the next person.  I'm sorry.

I agree. That's what my sister and I ended up doing after my mother was gone. I got a call from an administer at the hospital expressing their condolences and through my grief then, I sounded off my disapproval of what transpired. This lead my sister and I to a board meeting with some of the medical higher-ups. I am not the most vocal person...my sister even less so...but I let them have it. I was grieving and I was livid. They listened and wrote everything down. I doubt anything came from it but I fought for my mom and the wrongful way that she left this world. 

[C8675309]

Laura C,

I recently lost my Honey Bunny to Stage 4 cervical cancer. She was my best friend, and we had been together since our early 20's. We both grew up during the 80's and had so many other things in common. After over 30 years of marriage and raising a house full of children, I can tell you, I miss her daily. I was horrified at what the doctors put her through. I respected her decision to accept palliative care, and I supported her as much as I was able. However, watching her suffer after she began treatments was very frustrating for both of us. I think I know what you mean when you said "I just can't stop thinking about it". I was there with my wife as she passed, and she was on more than 800mg of morphine in the form of IV Dilaudid. It was amazing that she had the strength to call for me right before she passed. She too, like your husband, suffered excruciating pain during her transition. It seemed the doctors were always chasing her pain, and every treatment they put her through seemed to cause a worse side effect during her last 9 months on earth. But, she kept on fighting. After hospice put her on such a high dose of medication, I thought I would never talk with her again. With the help of our kids, we kept her comfortable. She was no longer responding so I thought she was in some type of medicated coma or something. Within 24 hours after her last increase in medication, I was at my desk when one of my daughters came to me and said Mom wants to talk to you. I could not believe it. As I walked into the room her eyes were fixed on me. I was stunned. I leaned into her with a smile and said "Hi honey". She smiled back. I asked if she was in pain, and she shook her head no. I asked are you scared, and she nodded yes. I said you don't want to leave, do you? She shook her head no, I said Honey, you have to trust God. He has to be there. I reassured her the children and I would be fine, and that I loved her. She squeezed my hand as she took her last breath, then closed her eyes, then she was gone. My life has not been the same since. I dream about her every time I sleep. I think about her every day. I watch everyone living, and sometimes I feel like I am slowly dying without her here with me. Every positive thing that happens to me breaks my heart because she is not here to share it with me. I know it has only been 6 months, and God knows my heart. I am not angry, I am just extremely sad. I have done much reading on grief. and I have come to the conclusion I will always miss her. No one else will ever replace her, she was one of a kind. I could write a book about her heart and what she had done for others. But life does go on, that sounds crude, but life is a blessing. I hope this helped you, it helped me finding your post. I believe everything happens for a reason. God willing, I hope you find your peace. I have. I know my Honey Bunny would want me to keep fighting the good fight. So would yours.

James

[Laura C.]

Thank you for that, James.  My John was on 60 mg of dilaudid every four hours plus in between as needed.  The problem was that he was unconscious so the nurses never really bothered checking on him until the four hours was up, by which point he was in bad pain again..  I wish I had been there that last night.  I was going to stay but he seemed comfortable.  Had I been there I  could have had them give him his as-needed doses. 

 

Like you wife, James, my John's doctors never caught up with his pain.  We were always chasing it.  He never really complained much but honestly for the last two years he was in constant pain.  I got to the  point where I  just automatically gave him the maximum doses he was allowed, but even then it wasn't enough.  At one point he was on Dilaudid, Gabapentin, Morphine, and Fentanyl, but even so it was not enough. 

 

I don't blame anyone for what happened because his death was coming that day no matter what, but I do question why he was left so alone that last morning when they might have been able to ease him a little.  I am gong to call his Cancer Care doctor and talk to her about this because she is wonderfully kind. I want her to know how poorly he and I were treated at the end after everyone pretended to care. 

 

[Kevin8988]

"everyone pretended to care."  That's exactly how I feel about most health care professionals. 

 

[C8675309]

Laura C.

I look back and think of so many things I could have done either better for my wife, or so many more things I could have done for her. But like I said before, I truly believe things happen for a reason. I tried to keep her as comfortable as I could, and I will tell you this, she did not want anyone else but me taking care of her. Most of the doctors and nurses seemed to me to be very complacent and not very empathetic. At one point I asked a nurse how they would feel if was their mother in the hospital bed. He responded very coldly. I became so angry with all the staff, I finally started challenging the doctor's decisions. Here is one example. One morning I had to call an ambulance to take my wife to the emergency room. She was unable to stand after taking a hot shower. Now she was able to walk up to this point. I knew she had a tumor in her spine, and it was in her file that consisted of over 25 MRIs and CT scans over the last 8 months. I gave all her information to the paramedic, including her history of past surgeries, her current condition, her current medication, and so on. Because of covid, I was not allowed in the ER. The paramedics took her early in the morning, and just before midnight a nurse calls me and says my wife is ready to be picked up. I immediately headed to the hospital and I let them know I had arrived. The nurse on the phone asked me how do we get my wife in the wheelchair at home because she is in pain and does not want to be moved. I tried to tell the nurse and the charge nurse that this was not normal. I ended up arguing with the doctor who tried to tell me, that according to the MRI she ordered, there was nothing wrong with my wife's abdomen. "What", I told her she did the wrong MRI. I told her if she would look in my wife's file she would see a history of a tumor in her upper back. The doctor refused to listen to me so I ended up calling the floor supervisor with the same argument, and I refused to take my wife home until they did the right MRI. By the time I got home, the floor supervisor was calling me and apologizing for their mistake. They did end up finding the tumor after 36 hours and admitted my wife. Now, this was 1 of many incidents my wife experienced during her fight. I finally reached a point where I realized I was arguing and fighting ALL the medical staff, and instead, I needed to just Love and comfort my Honey Bunny. This was her fight, not mine. I realized nothing in this world is perfect, except for what God has created. But medicine is a manmade practice. I stood by Sherri's side, and I took the time to explain to her everything that she was dealing with. She knew she was on pain meds and was a little loopy, but I made sure she understood what was going on, and ultimately she made the final decision on what she wanted to do. I also realized I was the negative one, she was patient. I was angry, but she was grateful, and after I let go of all that anger, we spent the rest of her time on earth just loving each other. After their mistake, the hospital allowed me to be with her in her room every day, and I took advantage of it. I really do believe things happen for a reason, and again, Sherri chose to fight, and I learned so much from the strength she showed. I do not think we who are still living will ever understand death, but my wife, besides the pain, seemed at peace, even until the end. She always told me to watch a movie called "Pollyanna" which was one of her favorite childhood films. Sherri always said if all you do is look for the negative in the world that is what you will see, but if you look for the positive, you will see it instead. I wish I could go back and be a more positive caregiver for her. I know she was comfortable, but it was her fight, not mine, and I should have just been in her corner. My main regret is I wasted so much time being angry when I could have just loved and supported her. I do not blame the doctors, the nurses, or anyone else anymore. I know in my heart we all did the best we could. And I thank God daily for everything I have been blessed with in this life, especially the opportunity to spend my life with such a strong spirit that Sherri is.

James

[Laura C.]

James, we went through that quite a lot with medical staff. I realized very quickly that if I didn't advocate for John, things would just get forgotten. 

 

 

[KayC]

When my husband was dying in the hospital, they had all kinds of machines on him but no one was monitoring him, I had to run for them when he was in distress...they threw a sheet on him and left, he started having a heart attack, in severe pain, I again had to run for them, they called the code and all came running...they were working on him, his eyes bugging out from pain, couldn't talk or focus, that's when they threw me out and locked the door to the ward.  An hour later four doctors came and didn't have to say a word, I screamed, "NOT MY HUSBAND!!!"

[Kevin8988]

Every time they did something to my dad in ICU, they kicked me out, closed the curtain and door.  Only God knew what they were doing to him....pure cruelty.