Another day without him

[Goforth860]

Well I'm sitting here in the waiting room of my new spine Dr's office. It's been an alright day. Janet really got to me last night so I haven't talked to her since like 830. Honestly if I talk to her she may not like the results or response from me. So I'm staying silent. She came in my room this morning before she left for work and tried to talk to me. I had my ear buds in so I couldn't hear anything she said. I lifted my head up and calmly said I don't want to talk.  She kept talking. I still couldn't hear what she was saying. She finally walked away. When she left for work I got up and did the dishes. I know this is probably going to sound anal but I picked her wine glass up from the living room and her coffee cup off the back porch. Which whatever but I'm not your momma and the stuff needs to be rinsed out anyway. IIt's easier to wash when it is. Back to this drs appt. I came to find out if the compression he told me about last time is effecting or damaging anything.  I've heard cracking and popping since my second cervical surgery and at first the Dr said they missed something from the first surgery. Then a cpl mths later they recanted what they said.  They actually said we never said that. So I've been going through epidural after epidural and trigger points and all kinds of being a pin cushion since the beginning of 20. My knee ortho who did my knee surgery (major) told me he would NEVER send anyone to the Dr who did my spine surgery and referred me to this Dr.  I've seen him once and I liked him. He was very blunt and to the point to tell me what he could and couldn't do. I told him I was good that I'd had 8 surgeries in 6 years and I'm tired of being cut on. He said well when I wasn't good and I'd know when that is to come see him and he would get me straightened out. I've wrote down 20 questions I've had since the last visit because when I go to a Dr I go blank. Then I get home and am like man I forgot this or that.  But if the compression isn't hurting effecting or damaging anything I'm going to put it off til it is. I've been talking with another spine specialist about a spine stimulator.  I want to know in his professional opinion if I NEED to do the surgery first or if getting the stimulator and just managing the pain better will help.  I'm going through all of this without having John there to talk with me and help me. Help me figure out what I need to do. What I can do. It's so hard having to make these decisions by myself. I want to call him as soon as I find something out or something happens. Period. Anything.  I could see Santa Claus on the side of the road on my way home and I want to call him and be like you'll never guess what I just saw. Santa Claus on the side of the road in June.  And he's not here to be able to do that. Now I'm all alone in this world.  As far as a constant. Janet's there but she's more trouble than I want to deal with. Honestly I have a phone that can do what I need her to do. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm actually feeling I don't know how to spell it but aaa. Not blah just aaaa. It's an indecisive and alright day. I'm just lost. I just want to be able to talk with him. I want him back damn it

 I JUST WANT HIM BACK!!!

[Kevin8988]

Dear Goforthe860,

I feel very lonely too now all my families are gone.  At least you still have Janet.  I have no one to talk to, no one to complain about. In fact, if I have a heart attack at home and die now, nobody would even know.

[Goforth860]

@Kevin8988 I'm sorry to hear that.  I was in the same position til i let Janet move in. I could start stinking before someone would say hey do you smell that. Or I haven't seen Diane in a few days. I have Janet but I don't want her.  I don't want anyone but John.  I have good news from the Dr.  No surgery. He told me that my course of a spinal stimulator waz the best way to go for me. I was ok. I got up i went fir a walk about 630 this morning.  It was quiet. Everyone seemed tonstill be in bed. I got dressed to go to the Dr. I even put on makeup.  Which happens like twice a year if that and I felt alright. I got the news felt even better. After I got home Janet and I talked. It was inevitable.  But it was  "straightened out". We needed to do laundry but it hit me hard that I dint have John to tell the good news to and my head heart and soul just sunk. I miss him so much. 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Goforth860 said:

it hit me hard that I dint have John to tell the good news to and my head heart and soul just sunk. I miss him so much. 

It is so hard to not have my husband (also John) here to share in the joys, the good news, and the hardships, the struggles.  I do have small, loving circles of friends and family locally and at a bit of a distance.  They have been and continue to be amazing, even when I'm...not.  It helps to have the support and comfort, but it's nowhere near the same.

I'm glad you don't need surgery.  That's one worry off your mind.

[Goforth860]

Yes it is. I just wanted to be able to hug John with joy. Finally some good news from a Dr.  Finally and he's not here for it. I think the worst of everything is over and I'm going to be able to get back to living. Or would've been. Now he's gone and mentally I'm back to square 1 with the feeling of this is never going to end. 

[KayC]

So glad you don't need surgery!!!