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Orphaned at 44....


barb ernst

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It's been 3 weeks on Thurs Nov 10th that I buried my mom. She just turned 70.It happened suddenly, she had been ill for sometime but seemed to beat the odds for the past 3 years. Three years ago my father was in the hosiptal for a gall bladder surgery. He seemed to be doing well when he took a turn for the worst.At the same time my mom had a massive heart attack..what a nightmare that was..my dad in one room in ICU and my mom in another room..My dad passed away shortly after being in ICU...my mom survived which I don't know how or why...she slowly recovered and took care of her dying mother, for a short time..

All seemed well with her except for the past 3 years she hated being here without my dad..even though she had me , my family with 3 grand kids that loved her tremendously and her son as well..she took on a cold and was unable to breath..

She passed away that Friday the 14th but the staff didn't read her do not revive order and revived her anyways. Fifty long angonizing hours till she finally was at peace...

I feel so lost..I'm sad, confused , and I miss not talking to her about stupid things..I feel like this is a dream and she will call me. I look at the phone everytime it rings hoping she is calling, just to tell me about some stupid show she is watching..

We did not have the best relationship, not like I would of hoped for as a daughter..I so longed for that closeness with my mom..I will never have that I know that.Each day seems like a blur..I'm busy with things and life in general and I have not grieved as I should of..I know this takes time..I just healed with my dads death a few months back..Now I'm slammed again..

I could go on and on for days...but I will spare you..Thank you for reading ,

Barb mellow.gif

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I'm right there with you ... My Dad passed Dec 26, 2007 and Mom July 19, 2011... I turned 44 in Auguts - that was a fun birthday (NOT!) My older sister and I were with her when she passed. Mom was under hospice care and was able to pass away at home...

I find myself going off alone and shedding a few tears. I get sad some days and others I do better. Some days I cannot get into my job or other things I have going on. I have to stop and catch myself when I get frustrated at someone and ask myself "is it as bad as you think it is or are you dealing with other stuff?" before I say angry words... and sometimes I am not doing very good at catching myself....

I too would have liked a better relationship with my Mom the last few years. It seems she rather have my older sister around.. when I came in for a visit (I live up North while family lives down South) I couldn't even get her car to use because my older sister had first run. It was frustrating and I felt like my visits were an expected thing vs. a time for family fun. I was just so disappointed that I came down to spend time with her. But when she wasn't in the hospital or rehab nursing home (where I needed to have transportation) I felt like it wasn't appricaited... I ended up renting a car so i could visit her daily when she was at the hospital or nursing home ... At times when I would go she would ask me where my older sister was... :huh: My sister was her caretaker but complained about it (behind Mom's back) the WHOLE DANG TIME to me and my younger sister! :blink:

The holidays are here and Mom loved to decorate for Christmas (before she got sick)... No Thanks-mas this year (we would go down to visit for a long weekend between Thanksviging and Christmas).. I will have to dig deep to fake happiness around my husband's family this year when we go visit for Thanksgiving. I just do NOT want anyone (outside my husband) to see the deep sadness I feel at times.

Mom was up on polotics and I would talk to her about what's going on in the world... She molded my thinking in lots of things..

There are times I wonder if I am the one not being fair... Seems there are many things different now...

:(

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