My husband died suddenly June 5

[mind4design]

My first time posting. My husband, 58 years old died suddenly on June 5th 2022. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, my lover, my best friend of 34 years. I do not even know where too start. The grief is raw, and tangible. I feel like my soul has been torn in two. The anxiety is awful. I feel lost in my own home. I have zero appetite and sleep is non existent. 

[Canadagirl81]

I am so sorry. What you are experiencing is totally normal.... awful, horrible but normal. What a beautiful connection you have with your husband. I'm so sorry he had to go. Be patient with yourself during this unimaginable time. You have come to a loving and helpful community of people who totally get it. I am incredibly sorry for your tremendous loss. 
~Laura

[KMkm]

I am sorry for your loss.  It is very raw for a long time.  It's been 6 months for me and the grief is hard to take.  Just take it slow and heal.  Support from wherever and whoever helps.  The fog and numb feeling in your head is overwhelming along with the anxiety but it lessens over time.  Don't try to push it aside or keep too busy.  Post on here and read others cause it helps to understand what others are struggling with and being able to relate.  Stay strong my friend.

[Gail 8588]

Mind4design, 

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your soulmate is a life shattering experience. It takes quite awhile to be able to do what used to be normal things. Nothing is normal now.  The world is shattered. How is the sun still shining? How are people still going to work?  Nothing makes sense anymore. 

We get it. Our world has been shattered too. We are so sorry you have joined us on this terrible grief journey that none of us chose, but welcome.  We will listen, we understand , we will provide what comfort we can. You are not alone.

Gail

[Goforth860]

I lost my partner and best friend Feb 28th. I still have a problem with sleep. Last night I might've gotten 1 ½ to 2 hours collectively.  My appetite was gone too but I was put on prednisone for a lung disease so I'm eating myself out of house and home and gaining weight to show. It's hard losing the one we love. Like you said my soul feels torn. As John and I were you and your husband were probably one. You could finish each other's sentences. Know wgat each other was thinking and thought of the same thing at the same time. I hope this gets easier for us all. I have read and spoke with ppl who it's  been years and the pain is still as great as the first day. They do say some days are better than others. But I guess that's how it goes. I'm sending hugs and hoping for you to get some rest. Please try to eat something.  Anything is better than nothing. 

[KMkm]

Eating is essential to fight grief.  I stopped eating for 4 or 5 days at a time and when I finally ate it made the fight a little easier.  I just didn't care to eat or even drink water.  I had a coffee in the morning and I lost 30lbs.  I gained back 10 but I still struggle with eating.  Sometimes you have to force yourself to do something because your body is in a state of shock.  Little things through the day is key.  I eat breakfast and dinner now but if I eat to feel full, it makes me feel worse than if I didn't eat at all.  I could only fall asleep when I would pass out from lack of.  It's almost the same now and I do get sleep but I feel exhausted as soon as I wake up.  It is difficult to do but try anything to help cause everyone needs help through this, in some manner.  I hope you find some relief at some point and please try to go easy on yourself.  Healing takes time for every wound even the ones you can't see.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, mind4design said:

My first time posting. My husband, 58 years old died suddenly on June 5th 2022. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, my lover, my best friend of 34 years. I do not even know where too start. The grief is raw, and tangible. I feel like my soul has been torn in two. The anxiety is awful. I feel lost in my own home. I have zero appetite and sleep is non existent. 

Five days past my husband's 51st birthday, he died, on Father's Day, 6/19/2005.  For you and I to lose our husbands so prematurely and others here even younger, it is a shock to our being, and feels very unfair!  We WANTED them here with us!  We were happy!

I am so sorry for your loss.  I AM glad you found your way here though, your timeline is similar to mine, I think it was 2-3 weeks before I found a grief site and posted and it was my lifesaver.  Just knowing others were going through it and here were some people that understood (my family did not, friends disappeared abruptly).  I wasn't crazy, I was grieving.

This was the biggest shock of our lives!  It took me a long time just to process my grief, even more years to find purpose, and more yet to build a life I could live.  Covid destroyed everything I'd worked hard to build.  This world is alien anymore, it's changed so much.  People stay to themselves.  I'm growing old alone.

This place and my diabetic group, these are my purpose, to help others with what I have learned and am continuing to learn, there is no point at which we've attained/learned it all..  It's continual, just like our grief is, it has a beginning, but not an ending, but it does evolve.  Learning that brought me a glimmer of hope.

I am glad you are here, our newest friend, you see, this is a site where we grow close to each other, we pour out our hearts and share deep thoughts and feelings we don't always in our lives...

I hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post.  If you can't eat, make a smoothie, drink a sip of water..  See your doctor for help sleeping.  Taking care of ourselves helps us get through this, but oh man can it feel an upward battle to do so just when we least feel like it!  Do you have support around you?  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[mind4design]

On 6/20/2022 at 7:35 AM, KMkm said:

Eating is essential to fight grief.  I stopped eating for 4 or 5 days at a time and when I finally ate it made the fight a little easier.  I just didn't care to eat or even drink water.  I had a coffee in the morning and I lost 30lbs.  I gained back 10 but I still struggle with eating.  Sometimes you have to force yourself to do something because your body is in a state of shock.  Little things through the day is key.  I eat breakfast and dinner now but if I eat to feel full, it makes me feel worse than if I didn't eat at all.  I could only fall asleep when I would pass out from lack of.  It's almost the same now and I do get sleep but I feel exhausted as soon as I wake up.  It is difficult to do but try anything to help cause everyone needs help through this, in some manner.  I hope you find some relief at some point and please try to go easy on yourself.  Healing takes time for every wound even the ones you can't see.

KMkm - Thank you. This almost exactly what I doing. I am not drinking enough and definitely not able too eat very much at all. I slept last night for 5 hours , but any sleep which is usually 2 hours at most, is filled with terrible dreams. I am thankful that my parents are staying with me as long as I need them too. Having a really rough day today, missing him a lot. 

[mind4design]

On 6/20/2022 at 7:18 AM, Goforth860 said:

I lost my partner and best friend Feb 28th. I still have a problem with sleep. Last night I might've gotten 1 ½ to 2 hours collectively.  My appetite was gone too but I was put on prednisone for a lung disease so I'm eating myself out of house and home and gaining weight to show. It's hard losing the one we love. Like you said my soul feels torn. As John and I were you and your husband were probably one. You could finish each other's sentences. Know wgat each other was thinking and thought of the same thing at the same time. I hope this gets easier for us all. I have read and spoke with ppl who it's  been years and the pain is still as great as the first day. They do say some days are better than others. But I guess that's how it goes. I'm sending hugs and hoping for you to get some rest. Please try to eat something.  Anything is better than nothing. 

GoForth , Thank you. Sorry for your recent loss as well. This is just a crummy deal! Today marks 18 days that my Eddie has been gone, and it seriously feels like I just got home from the hospital the day he died. 
I have been able too eat a little bit. And my family keeps reminding me too drink fluids. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, mind4design said:

I am not drinking enough and definitely not able too eat very much at all.

Could you buy tv dinners so you didn't have to cook and it'd just be there for you?  Also, fill a jug with water, pour from it into your glass, add ice/lemon slice, that way you can be aware of how much you drink in a day.  I have the opposite problem, they said I need to cut back on water!  Never had this problem before!

 

14 hours ago, mind4design said:

I have been able too eat a little bit. And my family keeps reminding me too drink fluids. 

Good.  Day 18 is still very early, my heart goes out to you.

 

[Brun]

My husband, my friend, my soulmate died on June 6,2022 

in April my husband had to have both his kidneys removed….he did well with the surgeries and was resuming his daily life, except for the fact that he had to go to dialysis 3x per week. That Friday he went to dialysis in a good mood because the weekend was a freebie. He left at 2:30……dialysis took 3.5 hrs and the drive home 15 min. 
I started to heat his dinner and as it passed 6 o clock I turned it off. When it got to be 7:19 I was extremely worried and started calling his phone….no answer. Dialysis didn’t answer either. I called the ER, no accidents or admittance.

I kept calling his phone, over and over until finally a strange voice answered. I asked who he was, hearing a lot of traffic noise, when he told me he was driving by and saw my husband slumped over the wheel in the car. He stopped to check and told me he was breathing but non responsive and that he called an ambulance, which I heard in the background. I ran to my neighbor who drove me to the ER where we were lead to a family room and a chaplain came to tell us. He told us he was the go between the doctors and us until they were ready for us. 
My husband had died on the way to the hospital but they were able to revive him…as I could tell from his shirts being cut after being lead in to see him. He was on a ventilator and they didn’t waste time showing me the results of the brain scan.

He had suffered a hemorrhagic stroke and because of the time lapse in the car there was nothing they could do. They gave me 2 choices, take him off the ventilator or let him die naturally. I opted for the latter, miracles do happen I thought.

Every morning they turned down the ventilator but his breathing decreased to 1-2 breaths until he left me on June 6

My life is shattered…I am lost and broken and feel so alone . I forgot to mention, he was 5 min from our house and I had NO clue
 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, there are no words adequate to convey what you are going through, we know that, it's the hardest thing in the world.  We want to be here for you as you make your way through this.  I hope you will continue to come here to read and post, it helps process our grief and helps us know we aren't alone or crazy.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[NiquesMom]

Brun and mind4design, I am right there with you. My husband of 16 years died june 6th at the age of 52. He had been in the hospital for 280 days (long haul covid) and was supposed to be coming home today. He fought a good fight but did not want to be put back on a vent (he had already been on twice). We did a compassionate extubation, I was with him to his last breathe.

He is my best friend and I dont want to do this without him.

We have a 9 year old son so I keep going but I am so depressed to think of all this time without him. 

I sleep but I keep having dreams he is alive and I am making plans for him to come home. Its weird because I know he died so not sure why my brain is doing this.

I make sure to eat something but definitely have no appetite. I was stress eating with the hospital stay so it wont hurt me to lose some weight.

I know all the logic and steps to grief (my daughter died 4 years ago) but I feel more alone this time, I had him to help me with her death.

[Gail 8588]

NiquesMom,

I am so very sorry you have suffered a second life-shattering loss.  The loss of a child is devastating loss, a grief you don't get over, one you carry with you the rest of your life. Loss of a spouse/soul mate is also a life shattering experience, but in a different way. 

I won't say one is worse or more painful than the other.  They are both horrible. There is no way to compare, nor any point in trying to compare.

When my husband died, I felt very strongly that a huge part of me had been ripped out of my being. We were 2 people who became 1 over the course of our life together.  When he died, I was incomplete.  I didn't know if I could survive without his presence in my life. It was hard to breathe, think, or do anything without him. 

I was lost in grief for more than 3 years. But in my 4th year, I finally began to engage in life again, slowly.  At 5 and a half years, I feel his presence in my life everyday.  I am able to function again, and enjoy life too.  

You were just developing ways to carry the memory of your precious daughter in your heart and life and now you have been devastated by the death of your dear husband. It is a lot to bear.  

It is totally understandable that in your dreams you rewrite your husband's life story.  Your brain wants him back as much as your heart does. 

You have your son, who needs you as much as you need him, as you both move through this most terrible time. 

Be kind to yourself. Accept help from those who offer. Come here to vent or share as you feel the need. We are here for you. We understand what it is like to lose the person you most depended on. It is a grief like no other. 

Hugs

Gail

[jwathas]

I am so sorry.  I'm right there with you.  I also suddenly and unexpectedly lost my husband today.  We were together for 22 years.  My anxiety and fear of even the thought of having to go on without him are through the roof.  I can't eat.  I can't even process it.  It was SO sudden and unexpected.  

[KayC]

20 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Brun and mind4design, I am right there with you. My husband of 16 years died june 6th at the age of 52. He had been in the hospital for 280 days (long haul covid) and was supposed to be coming home today. He fought a good fight but did not want to be put back on a vent (he had already been on twice). We did a compassionate extubation, I was with him to his last breathe.

He is my best friend and I dont want to do this without him.

We have a 9 year old son so I keep going but I am so depressed to think of all this time without him. 

I sleep but I keep having dreams he is alive and I am making plans for him to come home. Its weird because I know he died so not sure why my brain is doing this.

I make sure to eat something but definitely have no appetite. I was stress eating with the hospital stay so it wont hurt me to lose some weight.

I know all the logic and steps to grief (my daughter died 4 years ago) but I feel more alone this time, I had him to help me with her death.

Wow, to lose your daughter AND your husband in such a close span, there are no words that do this justice.  Just know my heart goes out to you.

I can relate to what you say, I have lost so many people.  I recently lost my closest sister, she was disabled and had dementia and I cared for her...we interacted constantly so losing her really hit me hard, she's been there all my life (I'm nearly 70), we also lost our older sister four years ago, I lost my favorite dog and 25 1/2 year old cat just 2-3 years ago, it seems life is all about loss and grief now, but I've learned some things along the way that have aided me greatly in my journey.  I hope you will save/print this as it's an ever evolving journey and what hits us now may be different from a month or couple of years from now, as you've already undoubtedly learned in your previous loss.  Yes it differs as the person who would helps us through everything before is now the one who is gone from us.
We welcome you here to our tribe.

Multiple Losses
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, jwathas said:

I am so sorry.  I'm right there with you.  I also suddenly and unexpectedly lost my husband today.  We were together for 22 years.  My anxiety and fear of even the thought of having to go on without him are through the roof.  I can't eat.  I can't even process it.  It was SO sudden and unexpected.  

OMG, I am so sorry!  I am glad you searched for and found this place!  We will be with you on your journey if you want us to.  You will get through this, even when you think you will not.  Right now everything is probably all swirling about you, in shock, disbelief, I remember day one and that early time, I don't think we ever forget it.  My heart goes out to you.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.