Jump to content

My husband died suddenly June 5


mind4design

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I am so sorry. What you are experiencing is totally normal.... awful, horrible but normal. What a beautiful connection you have with your husband. I'm so sorry he had to go. Be patient with yourself during this unimaginable time. You have come to a loving and helpful community of people who totally get it. I am incredibly sorry for your tremendous loss. 
~Laura

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am sorry for your loss.  It is very raw for a long time.  It's been 6 months for me and the grief is hard to take.  Just take it slow and heal.  Support from wherever and whoever helps.  The fog and numb feeling in your head is overwhelming along with the anxiety but it lessens over time.  Don't try to push it aside or keep too busy.  Post on here and read others cause it helps to understand what others are struggling with and being able to relate.  Stay strong my friend.

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I lost my partner and best friend Feb 28th. I still have a problem with sleep. Last night I might've gotten 1 ½ to 2 hours collectively.  My appetite was gone too but I was put on prednisone for a lung disease so I'm eating myself out of house and home and gaining weight to show. It's hard losing the one we love. Like you said my soul feels torn. As John and I were you and your husband were probably one. You could finish each other's sentences. Know wgat each other was thinking and thought of the same thing at the same time. I hope this gets easier for us all. I have read and spoke with ppl who it's  been years and the pain is still as great as the first day. They do say some days are better than others. But I guess that's how it goes. I'm sending hugs and hoping for you to get some rest. Please try to eat something.  Anything is better than nothing. 

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Eating is essential to fight grief.  I stopped eating for 4 or 5 days at a time and when I finally ate it made the fight a little easier.  I just didn't care to eat or even drink water.  I had a coffee in the morning and I lost 30lbs.  I gained back 10 but I still struggle with eating.  Sometimes you have to force yourself to do something because your body is in a state of shock.  Little things through the day is key.  I eat breakfast and dinner now but if I eat to feel full, it makes me feel worse than if I didn't eat at all.  I could only fall asleep when I would pass out from lack of.  It's almost the same now and I do get sleep but I feel exhausted as soon as I wake up.  It is difficult to do but try anything to help cause everyone needs help through this, in some manner.  I hope you find some relief at some point and please try to go easy on yourself.  Healing takes time for every wound even the ones you can't see.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
11 hours ago, mind4design said:

My first time posting. My husband, 58 years old died suddenly on June 5th 2022. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, my lover, my best friend of 34 years. I do not even know where too start. The grief is raw, and tangible. I feel like my soul has been torn in two. The anxiety is awful. I feel lost in my own home. I have zero appetite and sleep is non existent. 

Five days past my husband's 51st birthday, he died, on Father's Day, 6/19/2005.  For you and I to lose our husbands so prematurely and others here even younger, it is a shock to our being, and feels very unfair!  We WANTED them here with us!  We were happy!

I am so sorry for your loss.  I AM glad you found your way here though, your timeline is similar to mine, I think it was 2-3 weeks before I found a grief site and posted and it was my lifesaver.  Just knowing others were going through it and here were some people that understood (my family did not, friends disappeared abruptly).  I wasn't crazy, I was grieving.

This was the biggest shock of our lives!  It took me a long time just to process my grief, even more years to find purpose, and more yet to build a life I could live.  Covid destroyed everything I'd worked hard to build.  This world is alien anymore, it's changed so much.  People stay to themselves.  I'm growing old alone.

This place and my diabetic group, these are my purpose, to help others with what I have learned and am continuing to learn, there is no point at which we've attained/learned it all..  It's continual, just like our grief is, it has a beginning, but not an ending, but it does evolve.  Learning that brought me a glimmer of hope.

I am glad you are here, our newest friend, you see, this is a site where we grow close to each other, we pour out our hearts and share deep thoughts and feelings we don't always in our lives...

I hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post.  If you can't eat, make a smoothie, drink a sip of water..  See your doctor for help sleeping.  Taking care of ourselves helps us get through this, but oh man can it feel an upward battle to do so just when we least feel like it!  Do you have support around you?  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 6/20/2022 at 7:35 AM, KMkm said:

Eating is essential to fight grief.  I stopped eating for 4 or 5 days at a time and when I finally ate it made the fight a little easier.  I just didn't care to eat or even drink water.  I had a coffee in the morning and I lost 30lbs.  I gained back 10 but I still struggle with eating.  Sometimes you have to force yourself to do something because your body is in a state of shock.  Little things through the day is key.  I eat breakfast and dinner now but if I eat to feel full, it makes me feel worse than if I didn't eat at all.  I could only fall asleep when I would pass out from lack of.  It's almost the same now and I do get sleep but I feel exhausted as soon as I wake up.  It is difficult to do but try anything to help cause everyone needs help through this, in some manner.  I hope you find some relief at some point and please try to go easy on yourself.  Healing takes time for every wound even the ones you can't see.

KMkm - Thank you. This almost exactly what I doing. I am not drinking enough and definitely not able too eat very much at all. I slept last night for 5 hours , but any sleep which is usually 2 hours at most, is filled with terrible dreams. I am thankful that my parents are staying with me as long as I need them too. Having a really rough day today, missing him a lot. 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 6/20/2022 at 7:18 AM, Goforth860 said:

I lost my partner and best friend Feb 28th. I still have a problem with sleep. Last night I might've gotten 1 ½ to 2 hours collectively.  My appetite was gone too but I was put on prednisone for a lung disease so I'm eating myself out of house and home and gaining weight to show. It's hard losing the one we love. Like you said my soul feels torn. As John and I were you and your husband were probably one. You could finish each other's sentences. Know wgat each other was thinking and thought of the same thing at the same time. I hope this gets easier for us all. I have read and spoke with ppl who it's  been years and the pain is still as great as the first day. They do say some days are better than others. But I guess that's how it goes. I'm sending hugs and hoping for you to get some rest. Please try to eat something.  Anything is better than nothing. 

GoForth , Thank you. Sorry for your recent loss as well. This is just a crummy deal! Today marks 18 days that my Eddie has been gone, and it seriously feels like I just got home from the hospital the day he died. 
I have been able too eat a little bit. And my family keeps reminding me too drink fluids. 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
  • Angel Wings 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
14 hours ago, mind4design said:

I am not drinking enough and definitely not able too eat very much at all.

Could you buy tv dinners so you didn't have to cook and it'd just be there for you?  Also, fill a jug with water, pour from it into your glass, add ice/lemon slice, that way you can be aware of how much you drink in a day.  I have the opposite problem, they said I need to cut back on water!  Never had this problem before!

 

14 hours ago, mind4design said:

I have been able too eat a little bit. And my family keeps reminding me too drink fluids. 

Good.  Day 18 is still very early, my heart goes out to you. :(

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.