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My beautiful boy drowned and I feel responsible


Mol

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Two days ago I was walking my 5 year old deaf Cocker Spaniel. It was unusual to take him on a walk because he had so much anxiety and he just loved being at home so much, so we decided to not walk him often because we thought it would stress him out too much.

On this day, I don’t know why, it wasn’t even particularly sunny, and it had been raining all week, but I decided I was going to walk him. I tested it that morning and he absolutely adored it, he loved the smells and the wind in his face, because he was deaf we figured he had an absolutely amazing nose on him (as well as being the most clever boy). I decided that afternoon to walk him down to the river, past the river is a nice long stretch with long grass and paddocks either side so I figured he’d enjoy that freedom and the smell of sheep.

We were walking down the hill and crossed the first bridge, the bridges don’t have sides, so it’s like a concrete slab with large pipes underneath to control the water flow (not very well, might I add, as it floods often). The first bridge was fine, he did go quite close to the edge of the bridge and I just tugged the extendable lead and he backed off.

As we crossed I noticed the second bridge, which was maybe 200 meters away, had a tad bit of water flowing over it (it was maybe a could centimetres, so in no way flooded), and the water level on that (left) side was level with the bridge, so I decided we wouldn’t go any further than that. I just thought we’d walked all this way, the least I could do was let him sniff the water and have a play in the moving water across the bridge.

Again he went to the edge with the steep drop off so I tugged him to make him back off, I watched him walk across the bridge to the left side where the water was level and just had a split second thought, that I hope he doesn’t think the water level was a continuation of the concrete bridge. This must’ve happened so fast, but in my mind I didn’t even try to save him, I just watched him.

I saw him look down at the water (he had a shadow watching problem so that wasn’t new), he pawed at the water and then he slipped in. I just thought, ‘he can swim, he just needs to come up’. I have a previous incident where my other dog (the mummy Cocker Spaniel) fell off a boat in a bay in the ocean, so we could see her, but it took her a while to come back up. So in my mind that’s what he was doing.

In a split second I realised the pipes, he’d fallen in right where one had been and the water pushing into that pipe was so strong. In a second I released the lead and ran to the other side, screaming his name and for someone to help me, to help him, but I knew I was on my own and no matter how loud I scream and how long I screamed for, no one was going to hear me, he wasn’t going to hear me.

I got my phone out of my pocket (which I’d luckily taken, I was just going to leave it at home) to call someone. But then I saw him, in the white water. I threw my phone down, and decided I needed to jump in to get him, he was right there, so close, so so close. Something inside me told me to not jump in (I will forever wonder if that was just my gut telling me if I go in, I won’t be coming out) as I saw his back from the right side of the bridge and realised the bank on the right was too steep, I ran to the left (in the middle, in between the two pipes), where there was a ledge to try and see him, so he could see me, so I could get as close as possible to him and try and grab him. I slipped and almost fell in to which I realised I couldn’t reach him.

He saw me, I saw his eyes, but they looked so dark (he always has the most beautiful brown eyes, such a pretty boy) I just keep screaming at him to swim, but I could see him getting tired and he wasn’t getting closer, so I decided to give the right side another try, as his lead was closer to the right side. But by the time I’d climbed up the ledge and looked back down, him and the lead were gone. I just grabbed my phone and tried to call someone, but my phone just wasn’t unlocking. Eventually I managed to call my dad who was two minutes away in a call in which he thought I was getting attacked and I was screaming at someone. I imagine I was yelling at the river, at Echo, to come to me, but I was defenceless I could do nothing but wait.

This felt like an eternity, but as I look back at the timeline, I had taken a video to show my mum how well our boy was doing on his walk. The time between that video and my phone call was 3 minutes. How could that nightmare be 3 minutes, it felt like 30 minutes-1 hour.

Going back an hour or so later after we’d gone further down stream to try a and stop him, I saw a whirl pool where the pipe was and I imagine that’s what he was staring and pawing at. If only id seen and realised I would have yanked him back so hard, but I didn’t, and I have to try and live with that.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk on so many forums but I feel like this really was my fault, the other entries were about euthanasia, but if only that’s what I could have chosen for him. He didn’t deserve to die that sort of death, he was a beautiful, unique, clever boy. Not that, that was hideous. It was a nightmare, I was defenceless to help him and I keep going back to the fact I should have yanked him back from the edge. I feel like I killed him. I took him on a walk  and he never came back. My beautiful boy.

We went back today and there was no sign of him. I just can’t bear the thought that he’s out there alone, he never liked to be alone. I just need to see him and tell him how sorry I am that I let him down.

during this whole ordeal I just thought ‘he’s going to be fucking scared of water, but he’s going to be okay, this doesn’t happen, this doesn’t happen to me’. I feel cursed, I feel  like everything I touch goes to ****, I’m so scared now of something happening to my family because all I can think of is the worst.

I’m sorry this is so long, but I just feel like I need to get it out somehow and I don’t want to keep bringing up to my family, just because I saw it doesn’t mean I need to describe every little detail to them, 5 times a day.

I failed him 

 

 

 

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I am so sorry.  So you never found his body?  OMG, how horrible to experience this, for you, for him...for him it was over quickly, for you it replays, over and over...the hardest thing in the world.  Their "end" haunts us, no matter how it goes down.  I wish we could forget, if only...

I lost my husband 17 years ago today, Father's Day, suddenly, unexpectedly, way too young, and I went through all the what-ifs too, and also with my animals that have passed.  Death is very hard for us to process, it's traumatic to our brains.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

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I just want to welcome you and say I am so very sorry you are going through such a tragic loss.  I won't try to tell you not to feel guilty because all our feelings are valid and should be respected, but I would like to ask you to remember that it was an accident.  You had no way of knowing what would happen.

You have found a really good place to talk and find comfort and caring without judgment.  Please keep coming here, even if it's just to read so that you will see that everyone here understands and most of us feel some guilt.  You are not alone.

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15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I won't try to tell you not to feel guilty because all our feelings are valid

While this is true, it's good to remember that while we FEEL guilty, feelings are just something to deal with, neither inherently good or bad, they just are, but that does not make them facts, nor does it mean we ARE indeed guilty of anything, just feel that clarification is essential to realize. ;)

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

everyone here understands and most of us feel some guilt.  You are not alone.

Yes!

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

While this is true, it's good to remember that while we FEEL guilty, feelings are just something to deal with, neither inherently good or bad, they just are, but that does not make them facts, nor does it mean we ARE indeed guilty of anything, just feel that clarification is essential to realize.

Thanks, Kay. You said it better than I did.

It is exactly right that our feeling guilty does not mean we are.

One thing that bothers me about the way some people (not the members here) react is when they say, “Don’t feel that way.” It makes it seem as if the way we feel is invalid. Instead I believe we have to acknowledge that feelings are normal and even expected. But no, that does not make them facts.

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I was reading my "letters to George" file the other day at about my 2 1/2 month mark of losing my husband and in it I wrote what my sister Polly told me, it was extremely upsetting at the time!  (a lot of "shoulds" inappropriate, non-applicable)  I know she doesn't get it, she's a "fixer" (so am I) but this is one thing no one can "fix!"

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My heart breaks reading this story -- such a fluke accident. 

It's absolutely tragic. I am sure you are in shock even still. :( I am so sorry. I hope you are doing okay. 

 

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