Just 5 min

[Goforth860]

I realized that I hadn't changed my emergency contact on my phone this morning when I was at a drs appt. So with a painfully throbbing heart I deleted him from that contact information. I'll never be able to delete him out of my phone. But I was looking at his contact on my phone and I decided ok. It's been 3 ½ mths since I've heard his ring tone and I was so sure I could handle hearing it. Boy was I ever wrong. I miss hearing it several times a day. What about hearing it for the first time since he passed.  I didn't get 5 sec through it before I started crying. Its a total of 16 sec long. I barely made it 5. My heart feels like I'm going to have a heart attack.  I would prefer to be gone. I just want 5 min of my mind being quiet.  No loss of John no lung disease no spine surgery without him. 😢. God I just want him back.  I just want to be able to tell him I'm sorry for being so mean the last cpl weeks of his life. I was manic and being a total bitch. I had typed a response to a question he asked me and it was me apologizing telling him how much I loved him and I was doing my best to feel better. That I hadn't been trying to take it out on him but I knew I was. Then I erased it and sent a one word response. Yes. That's one of the last things he got from me. Not an apology not an I love you. Just a yes. It was so cold. One word. I woke up feeling better but it was too late. He was already gone. The 911 call keeps repeating in my head. How I screamed his name begging him to come back. But he was blue and cold. There was no other time. The last words he got from me weren't anything nice. It was so generic.  One word. I would love to be able to tell him how sorry i am and that i love him more than life itself. One last time but i know that will never be. Now I just want 5 mins. All I'm asking for is 5 mins. 5 mins of mental peace. Dead God please 🙏  just 5 fucking mins.

[foreverhis]

Oh yes, I remember that first time I got smacked in the heart by the "And John is still your emergency contact?" pain.  I went in for an MRI and hadn't been to the imaging center in a couple of years.  As I was checking in, the receptionist asked the question.  It hit me hard.  I whispered (in part because I couldn't seem to find my voice), "No, he died." and little tears started.  At that time, I was still having trouble saying "He died."  Bless her, she was so patient and didn't rush me at all, even though there were others waiting for check in.  Eventually, I gave her emergency information for my sister, who lives 4 hours away, and a good friend, who lives locally.  Then I sat feeling numb until they called me in. 

On 6/15/2022 at 9:12 AM, Goforth860 said:

I decided ok. It's been 3 ½ mths since I've heard his ring tone and I was so sure I could handle hearing it. Boy was I ever wrong.

Honestly, your loss is still so new and raw that I'd be surprised if you hadn't broken down over that.

On 6/15/2022 at 9:12 AM, Goforth860 said:

I just want 5 min of my mind being quiet.

That's such a hard one, isn't it?  I too have one of those brains that just won't shut the heck up! no matter how much I try.  I started doing restorative yoga and that helped, especially because I'm a beginner and had to concentrate fully on that.  Over time, I found myself able to quiet my mind a bit more, but it wasn't fast or easy.

On 6/15/2022 at 9:12 AM, Goforth860 said:

I would love to be able to tell him how sorry i am and that i love him more than life itself. One last time but i know that will never be.

No, you will not be able to say those words to him here on earth, but honestly, I think you should say them to him anyway.  I mean out loud and multiple times, even if it feels silly or futile.  Regardless of anything else, saying them to him may help calm your mind a little.  To this day, I talk to John and myself when I'm at home alone, though not nearly as much as I did at first.  I have no idea if he can hear me, but I have faith that there is much our human minds cannot understand about this vast and mysterious universe.  That faith allows me to feel the thread of love unbroken even now that he's not here with me.

It's not fair; none of this is fair.  But it is what we have to face now.  I truly understand feeling as if you don't want to live any longer.  That's incredibly common.  I felt like that for a good year or so.  Slowly, so slowly that I didn't realize it until I "looked back," I took small steps forward into trying to find a life I could live with at least a bit of peace and happiness.  I continue forward now still missing him every bit as much as I did the first day I woke up truly alone.  But the crushing weight of my grief is now easier to bear.  I carry it as part of the whole of our lives together, all mixed in with the happiness and joy.  Please, allow yourself the time to find your way forward too.((HUGS))

[Goforth860]

Yeah when I had to change my emergency contact at the drs I would totally break down.  It wasn't a single tear (which you said it'd been a cpl years) it was a flood every time. I had a phone call after John passed when i was trying to make sure my girls would be taken care of. I was so distraught and worried that if i wascto pass that even IF they made it through me passing they would be kept together or they wouldn't survive.  The lady at the humane society called me back and i couldnt speak. No matter how hard i tried nothing would come out. Nothing. I couldn't breath. I think a cpl whimpers came out and I remember the lady saying take your time. It took me a good 5 mins to find some kind of voice. It still wasn't mine but I got please excuse me out in a squeak. She was very understanding and stayed on the line with me as I tried to gather myself. At the drs offices it was bad everytime. I would stand there crying  til i was able to talk again. I would  then explain that he had passed and I needed to take him off of my emergency contact and like you put my sister who lives over an hour away. I have a lot of physical ailments and I'm treated by a lot of drs. Thank God most of the drs offices are tied together through one company so when I change him at the imaging place it changed it for several of them. I miss his ring tone.  I miss his msg tone. I just miss him so much. I want to scream at the top of my lungs.  I want to hit something.  I am just so lost without him. 💔 😢 

[KayC]

Any of these changes are hard...I remember the first time I had to file taxes, when I had to notify social security, the lady loudly proclaimed our marriage over due to death...I couldn't see to drive due to the tears, it's a wonder I made it to my friends' house before driving home, 60 miles away.