Members AshleyDagostino Posted November 6, 2011 Members Report Share Posted November 6, 2011 MALAYA=FREEDOMAND I NOW KNOW SHE IS FREEi joined this site in July after losing my beautiful baby girl malaya. I only have been on a few times, but it does feel nice to have others around to comfort and talk too. But i just want to say how important it is to talk to somebody because i have been avoiding the deep conversation about my daughter being ripped from my arms for the past 4 months, and i honestly feel like im going insane now. and when i think about her im very hurt, it almost as if looking back at the good times in a negative way because it hurts so bad, and tht causes me to believe it's unreal because i try not to look back but then i think about her so many times a day like how she would be walking now or how her birthday would be in a month, or how big she would be. it really hard which i know u all no.i dont know how to express myself emotionally in person, typing is so much more easier. I feel i need a way to help myself cope or deal with this without it effecting every other aspect in my life but it does. i feel so sloppy with everything i do like as if i dont care but i really do, the world seems monotone and all though i can laugh and smile like nothing is wrong, i just cant be truly happy with her gone. i know i need to talk to somebody but i dont know how to, and i feel like i have a guard up for some reason. i have all my life, but this makes it worse. I just dont know what to do anymore if i cant even help myself by opening up to someone in person and i feel like its toxic for myself. i feel like i have had to grow up so much all in one year by being pregnant at 18 having a baby at 19 and losing her to cancer in the same year. adjusting to mommy mode, and then getting ripped away and going back to everyday life is not normal and i feel im to young to be feeling this way or going through all of this. i just wish there was a way to turn back time and stop her leukemia earlier. I miss and love my daughter very much and not a day goes by that i dont think about her and her beautiful smile, but it just hurts so bad and i dont know how to cope, i guess this is my way to vent without feeling like all eyes are on me. Thank you for you help and support its greatly appreciated. Babygirl you keep resting in your paradise until mommy can met you again, just keep looking down upon me and lead me in the right direction babygirl, i will forever fight against cancer for you, you must have been to good for the world for god to bring you back so soon. i love you mamaz! R.I.P MALAYA RENE MURRAY 12.12.2010 - 6.9.2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Susie_q512 Posted November 6, 2011 Members Report Share Posted November 6, 2011 Ashley,Malaya, what a beautiful name and beautiful baby. I am so sorry that you are now on this journey and at such a young age yourself to be living with this heartache and the devastation it has brought to you. Most post in Loss of Adult Child Forum. You will be welcome there. There are others posting in the forum who have lost children to cancer. I have found that I prefer expressing myself through this forum, because it is a very safe place. You can cry, vent your anger and pain, without the world staring at you....without embarrassment or worry that you are making someone else uncomfortable. There is no judgement there, only kind acceptance from others who have lost their child. We understand the pain and emptiness you are experiencing. We get it. Please post there and tell us about yourself and Malaya. I am praying for you and hoping that you find the support that you need through this terrible journey.Susan - Shannon's Mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKonnie Posted November 6, 2011 Members Report Share Posted November 6, 2011 MALAYA=FREEDOMAND I NOW KNOW SHE IS FREEi joined this site in July after losing my beautiful baby girl malaya. I only have been on a few times, but it does feel nice to have others around to comfort and talk too. But i just want to say how important it is to talk to somebody because i have been avoiding the deep conversation about my daughter being ripped from my arms for the past 4 months, and i honestly feel like im going insane now. and when i think about her im very hurt, it almost as if looking back at the good times in a negative way because it hurts so bad, and tht causes me to believe it's unreal because i try not to look back but then i think about her so many times a day like how she would be walking now or how her birthday would be in a month, or how big she would be. it really hard which i know u all no.i dont know how to express myself emotionally in person, typing is so much more easier. I feel i need a way to help myself cope or deal with this without it effecting every other aspect in my life but it does. i feel so sloppy with everything i do like as if i dont care but i really do, the world seems monotone and all though i can laugh and smile like nothing is wrong, i just cant be truly happy with her gone. i know i need to talk to somebody but i dont know how to, and i feel like i have a guard up for some reason. i have all my life, but this makes it worse. I just dont know what to do anymore if i cant even help myself by opening up to someone in person and i feel like its toxic for myself. i feel like i have had to grow up so much all in one year by being pregnant at 18 having a baby at 19 and losing her to cancer in the same year. adjusting to mommy mode, and then getting ripped away and going back to everyday life is not normal and i feel im to young to be feeling this way or going through all of this. i just wish there was a way to turn back time and stop her leukemia earlier. I miss and love my daughter very much and not a day goes by that i dont think about her and her beautiful smile, but it just hurts so bad and i dont know how to cope, i guess this is my way to vent without feeling like all eyes are on me. Thank you for you help and support its greatly appreciated. Babygirl you keep resting in your paradise until mommy can met you again, just keep looking down upon me and lead me in the right direction babygirl, i will forever fight against cancer for you, you must have been to good for the world for god to bring you back so soon. i love you mamaz! R.I.P MALAYA RENE MURRAY 12.12.2010 - 6.9.2011 MalayasMommy,I am so very sorry about the loss of your beautiful little girl. She truly must be special. We don't understand the who and why of all of this, but we all know the indescribable agony and terror of loss. There are many people here who have lost their precious children. They will be able to offer you guideance and comfort as you learn how to begin to feel again. We will be here for you.ModKonnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AshleyDagostino Posted November 6, 2011 Author Members Report Share Posted November 6, 2011 Thankyou for your words, it felt good to be able to vent i think its time i let it out before it gets any worse, and your right it does feel good to have other to vent to who have been thru the same thing. Its just sad tht i have so many people to vent too because all these innocent children's life were taken. Again thnkyou so much this site will def. help me out!Ashley,Malaya, what a beautiful name and beautiful baby. I am so sorry that you are now on this journey and at such a young age yourself to be living with this heartache and the devastation it has brought to you. Most post in Loss of Adult Child Forum. You will be welcome there. There are others posting in the forum who have lost children to cancer. I have found that I prefer expressing myself through this forum, because it is a very safe place. You can cry, vent your anger and pain, without the world staring at you....without embarrassment or worry that you are making someone else uncomfortable. There is no judgement there, only kind acceptance from others who have lost their child. We understand the pain and emptiness you are experiencing. We get it. Please post there and tell us about yourself and Malaya. I am praying for you and hoping that you find the support that you need through this terrible journey.Susan - Shannon's Mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AshleyDagostino Posted November 6, 2011 Author Members Report Share Posted November 6, 2011 Thank you for your reply, and you got the words right on point about feeling again i feel as if i have been numb, but i cnt explain it to anybody.MalayasMommy,I am so very sorry about the loss of your beautiful little girl. She truly must be special. We don't understand the who and why of all of this, but we all know the indescribable agony and terror of loss. There are many people here who have lost their precious children. They will be able to offer you guideance and comfort as you learn how to begin to feel again. We will be here for you.ModKonnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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