Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Loss of my mother...and everything else.


scotguy

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Hey John,

Thinking of you and wondering how things are these days. You mentioned you were feeling somewhat in the dumps since the holiday season is over. How are things going now? I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the situation is looking up on the job front.

We are having amazing weather. It has been extremely warm for us this past few weeks. That is until last night when it dropped to -22. And oh boy, is it ever cold today. I am definitely suffering from a lack of decent new British programs for nightime watching on these cold winter nights. So many old re-runs. They keep showing the same stuff over and over again. Particularly enjoying Downton Abbey, Law & Order UK, Doc Martin (love Martin Clunes) new series, Sherlock (contemporary version) Beyond excellent!!!! Well,basically any British Masterpiece we can get our hands on. I have always maintained that the Brits excel at acting. And they look so real and normal in the parts they play. So many North Americans go under the knife and are driven in their need to look perfect. Oh well, I am going off again on a tangent.

Take care. Hope you are staying healthy and good luck with you career search.

Hey Kate..

It's good to hear from you. I've been doing my temp job so much over the last week or so i've not been on here much. I'm ok, just trying to keep my head down and get on with things. Not great, but not awful either. There is much to do this month, I have to find a place to live and finances to sort out (both of which i'm avoiding). I feel the sudden burning need to put down solid roots now, to prepare for my own future and make a life for myself that has some solidity. I've got no immediate family now (which terrifies me, it's like I look around and think, what happened?) and I feel this need to have a base and a home etc. The nomadic, artistic life has less glamour at the moment, I feel I want something which will be mine and tangible and safe. I guess it's a reaction to whats happened. I'm feeling pretty stateless too. I've said London is my home of choice for years now, but Scotland was always my REAL home, and now I feel it isn't. Home is where your family are, and apart from a couple of uncles and aunts, mine aren't there anymore, so I feel i've lost my country and my people too (hope that doesn't sound too dramatic!) I've been listening to lots of Scottish music and keeping a keen eye on Scotlands bid for independence....which I think would be a terrible way to go. In short, I feel a bit abandoned. One of my best friends is moving to LA later this month too, and that feels like another loss...life doesn't do things by half does it? Still, grief is a funny thing and I imagine all this is normal. I have been dreaming about mum too, which sometimes is lovely, sometimes it upsets me. I just seem to be carrying the world around on my shoulders at the moment though and I realise that although I must be gentle with myself....things won't improve until I move on and start building my new life...terrifying though that is. I have a faith and i'm just trying to trust God, that He knows whats best and will direct me to it.

Well thats me....bet you wish you hadn't asked! Career wise, i'm hopeful about 2012, so we shall see! I must say we are the same here....there wont be anymore roses in January, as the weather changes just as suddenly a few days ago and we are now living in the arctic. I prefer it this way though....frosty mornings and bright sunshine. It feels like a proper winter and not some doom laden, global warming version of it. As for the TV...yes, all of those are great programmes. I think you are right in that good drama and comedy is one of the things that the Brits do best, especially the BBC. I love a good costume drama and Maggie Smith is priceless in Downton. I'm sure there will be lots more where they came from too.

How are you? I'm so caught up in my own stuff I forget to ask. I hope you are enjoying the new colder temperatures. Personally I love wrapping up and going walking in the cold. I'm off now to cook some chicken for dinner and head out to do a shift at my temp job.

Speak soon.

John

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi John: How are you? You know I just read what you wrote and I am going throught the exact same thing. Here i am in NJ USA and had brit scottish relatives, feels so strange. I am moving today in with 2 others i don't even know. Its next to where my mother lived i think that is why i am taking it. Some days I wish i could be with my mother other days i am ok. I miss her so much its so hard.

My online classes start tommorrow. I am looking for work. Mom was my rock, my everything so i still feel a bit lost. I thought of going to florida but did not go because mom is in her mausoleum here in NJ i know that sounds crazy.

Every change one goes through brings you back to remember them. I feel like my past is lost and my future is so uncertain. My mom was the best, laughing, working, helping others, she was irriplacable. I have guilt for bringing her back to NJ, if not for that she would not have ended up in that nursing home. They did not take good care of her and she ended up with untreated pneumonia. I watched over her like a hawk when she was home. So i am having a tough time moving on.

I don't think one is ever the same after such a loss, you just learn to live with it and i just must stay around her old residence for now for my sanity, i willl start swimming at the same gym, etc its a nice area.

John you sound like you are going through a very similar situation. Its getting easier but then i get angry and lash out at the nursing home people. One of the nurses that lied to me and said mom was fine has left the state. I would like to hunt her down and tell her off. I guess the investigators I sent scared her. Such a shame.

Well John I feel the same as you such an empty void there. Wishing you well, god bless. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Well at least classes start tommorrow night. I am so worried about moving in with a couple of strangers 2 guys and a girl. Pray that eveerything is as it seems. On craigslist you never know. Well i am off to shower and then head to my new place. John I want to visit scotland but it would sadden me cause mom won't be there. lol Maybe when more time has passed.

Debbie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi John: How are you? You know I just read what you wrote and I am going throught the exact same thing. Here i am in NJ USA and had brit scottish relatives, feels so strange. I am moving today in with 2 others i don't even know. Its next to where my mother lived i think that is why i am taking it. Some days I wish i could be with my mother other days i am ok. I miss her so much its so hard.

My online classes start tommorrow. I am looking for work. Mom was my rock, my everything so i still feel a bit lost. I thought of going to florida but did not go because mom is in her mausoleum here in NJ i know that sounds crazy.

Every change one goes through brings you back to remember them. I feel like my past is lost and my future is so uncertain. My mom was the best, laughing, working, helping others, she was irriplacable. I have guilt for bringing her back to NJ, if not for that she would not have ended up in that nursing home. They did not take good care of her and she ended up with untreated pneumonia. I watched over her like a hawk when she was home. So i am having a tough time moving on.

I don't think one is ever the same after such a loss, you just learn to live with it and i just must stay around her old residence for now for my sanity, i willl start swimming at the same gym, etc its a nice area.

John you sound like you are going through a very similar situation. Its getting easier but then i get angry and lash out at the nursing home people. One of the nurses that lied to me and said mom was fine has left the state. I would like to hunt her down and tell her off. I guess the investigators I sent scared her. Such a shame.

Well John I feel the same as you such an empty void there. Wishing you well, god bless. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Well at least classes start tommorrow night. I am so worried about moving in with a couple of strangers 2 guys and a girl. Pray that eveerything is as it seems. On craigslist you never know. Well i am off to shower and then head to my new place. John I want to visit scotland but it would sadden me cause mom won't be there. lol Maybe when more time has passed.

Debbie

Dear Debbie...

Oh sweetheart...it's hard, I know. There's something about your mum, a tenderness, a feeling of protection, of complete, unconditional love thats gone, that somehow breaks your heart. For me, even more than the death of my father, whom I loved dearly. A mothers love is like no other, I'm learning that. There is an old Scottish saying...'you never miss the water until the well rus dry'. For me thats true. I accepted mum as a present and solid part of my life, who always had been there....and although I knew she wouldn't live forever, it was an abstract idea and I never gave it much thought, it frightened me too much. But the reality of her death and the resulting grief is vast and cold and frightening. It's a daily struggle and sometimes it hits me again, out of the blue...she's not here anymore. It makes me feel like a five year old, an orphan and its horrible.

Try and just do what you have to do to get through this. If that means staying in NJ rather than Florida....you do that. If being around where your mum was and the familiar helps you to grieve, then thats what you must do. Just try and remember that your life goes on. It's the hardest thing in many ways. All through mums illness (which in the end was from Pneumonia too), a kindly aunt kept reminding me that I had to go on with MY life....I kept thinking that it was easy for her to say...and HOW was I supposed to do that? I now see she was right. It's so hard, but the last things our mums would have wanted for us would be to give up....it would fly in the face of all they did for us. Each day, remember your mum in some small way...even if its only a thought....and then do something to forward your own life in her memory. You're doing a course and moving house...two great big steps. Im doing much the same thing and it feels liberating....i've realised that life is short and that you have to make of it the best you can, when you can.

Anger is SO part of this bum deal too. I have had the rage for weeks now, it's unpleasent and it's painful, but its needed for the mind to heal itself. The staff who looked after mum were also at fault in many ways (mum fell out of bed with two staff in the room and broke her arm amongst many other things)....but I decided not to pursue any of it. They were overworked and under paid...not an excuse, but a reason and i've tried to accept that and move on, hard though it is.

Talking helps...a lot. So does walking for me. I walk for hours listening to music, lost in my thoughts. It's therapy in a way and it deos much for my spirit.

Debbie...you sound like you are doing so well, even if it doesn't seem like that to you. I know how hard it is to get on with the basic day to day stuff, let alone life goals...and yet there you are doing all of that. Good on you! Your mum would be proud. Have a good old cry when you have to....there actually is no better medicine... and honour your mum by living the best and brightest life you can. I know thats what will make my mum smile in heaven...bet yours will too.

I wish you all the very best with the move...and keep writing on here. The fiolks are so great and supportive.

John

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hey Kate...i'm ok today thanks. Been picking up little bits of work which helps. My mood can darken on a sixpence though at the moment, so i'm just taking it one step at a time and trying to be productive when i'm 'up'. The Scottish storm made all the papers....and I think we're getting the beginning of the next one now, as the wind and rain are HOWLING outside. I quite like it though, as i'm cosy indoors. :) I hope all is good with you and sending lots of Christmas cheer over the sea...

John :)

Hi John,

Just on the chance that you could check this. How are you doing? Hopefully, all is well! I am guessing that by now things are looking slightly better. I have thought of you every day and hoped for a good outcome. If you read this let me know. Best wishes, for a great new beginning!:)

Kate

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi John and Kate: I am feeling much better also its been 3 months now and i still cry but not as much. I am moving tommorrow to a new place so hopefully the roommate thing will be better for a while. John its been raining here in NJ all day and night. lol yesterday was a beautiful spring day. ha you never know.

Saying a cherry hello to both of you and may all your dreams come true. Life is not the same without mom but i am plugging along. ahh but i miss her so much still. take care debbie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi John and Kate: I am feeling much better also its been 3 months now and i still cry but not as much. I am moving tommorrow to a new place so hopefully the roommate thing will be better for a while. John its been raining here in NJ all day and night. lol yesterday was a beautiful spring day. ha you never know.

Saying a cherry hello to both of you and may all your dreams come true. Life is not the same without mom but i am plugging along. ahh but i miss her so much still. take care debbie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.