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Loss of my mother...and everything else.


scotguy

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Hey, I'm new to this site and just wanted to share a bit what is going on in my life. I hope someone else can relate. I'm 32 and have just lost my mother. She was ill for ten months before-hand, starting with a heart attack in January of this year. She had never had any serious health problems before that, so it came as a bolt from the blue. The hospital performed an Angioplasty that day, which resulted in a stroke, and left her disabled on the left side. Several heart attacks followed, including on one occasion, two cardiac arrests in the same day. She slowly deteriorated, losing one bit of dignity after another, until she died, just over three weeks ago, of Pneumonia. I am grateful that she passed away peacefully, and not from another heart attack, with all the attendant chaos and sirens and machines blaring. I suppose i'm on here for me. Truth is, I'm not coping very well. I live in London and my mother lived in Scotland. I had to work, so couldn't be there as much as i'd have liked...however I was her next of kin (i'm an only child and my father died when I was 24), so had to be the one responsible for all decisions made. I would dash up and down to see to her when I could, or in an emergency, the rest of the time seemed to be spent on the phone to medics, nurses, the council, politicians and family and friends (who were a godsend and allowed me some peace of mind by being there when I could not, and reporting back to me. Mum was very lucky in the way...she was surrounded by loving people). The thing is, it all happened so quickly in the end. I was told by her doctor that she was fading, but slowly. he even said that I could go back to London and sort some things out. I'm glad I didn't. On the Friday of that week we gathered by her bed and read stories from the bible to her, sang hymns and remembered days gone by. We left feeling we had had some lovely times together, and although mum was sedated, we are sure she heard every word. I went to pick up a few bits in town, as I had been told that nothing was imminent. I then got a phone call to tell me she had taken a turn for the worst...she was gone by the time I reached the hospital, only 45 mins after i'd left. I organised the funeral, saw to it that she received a wonderful send-off, in the style she'd have chosen and then returned to London. Thats when the real work started. I'm stunned by the aloneness of it. I feel like i've been horribly maimed and noone can see it. To add some background...I lost my job in the middle of mums illness and I don't think that has hit me properly until now, I just kept thinking that i'd worry about that later. I work in the creative industry and work is hard to come by. At around the same time, my landlady sold the house from under me and I moved in to my partners place, again the thought of flat hunting in the middle of mum's illness was too much. So here I am, i've lost both my parents by 32, i'm jobless and heading for financial difficulties. I keep thinking I should change my career to something more stable, but then worry that this is a reaction. I'm trying to see my friends as much as I can, but of course, they can't be there all the time. My partner is great, but he works way for weeks at a time and i can't afford to be out every day, spending money. I'm spiralling downwards fast, I can feel it and I'm not sure what to do...I suppose I have to find any job as a start, I just feel I have no energy. My friends tell me that this is grief, but it's also real life and grief won't pay the bills. I'm sorry to moan and i'm trying to be positive by putting on a performance of my mothers poetry, to benefit charity, and in her memory. Its painful but cathartic at the same time. I'm rambling now...just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks.

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Hey, I'm new to this site and just wanted to share a bit what is going on in my life. I hope someone else can relate. I'm 32 and have just lost my mother. She was ill for ten months before-hand, starting with a heart attack in January of this year. She had never had any serious health problems before that, so it came as a bolt from the blue. The hospital performed an Angioplasty that day, which resulted in a stroke, and left her disabled on the left side. Several heart attacks followed, including on one occasion, two cardiac arrests in the same day. She slowly deteriorated, losing one bit of dignity after another, until she died, just over three weeks ago, of Pneumonia. I am grateful that she passed away peacefully, and not from another heart attack, with all the attendant chaos and sirens and machines blaring. I suppose i'm on here for me. Truth is, I'm not coping very well. I live in London and my mother lived in Scotland. I had to work, so couldn't be there as much as i'd have liked...however I was her next of kin (i'm an only child and my father died when I was 24), so had to be the one responsible for all decisions made. I would dash up and down to see to her when I could, or in an emergency, the rest of the time seemed to be spent on the phone to medics, nurses, the council, politicians and family and friends (who were a godsend and allowed me some peace of mind by being there when I could not, and reporting back to me. Mum was very lucky in the way...she was surrounded by loving people). The thing is, it all happened so quickly in the end. I was told by her doctor that she was fading, but slowly. he even said that I could go back to London and sort some things out. I'm glad I didn't. On the Friday of that week we gathered by her bed and read stories from the bible to her, sang hymns and remembered days gone by. We left feeling we had had some lovely times together, and although mum was sedated, we are sure she heard every word. I went to pick up a few bits in town, as I had been told that nothing was imminent. I then got a phone call to tell me she had taken a turn for the worst...she was gone by the time I reached the hospital, only 45 mins after i'd left. I organised the funeral, saw to it that she received a wonderful send-off, in the style she'd have chosen and then returned to London. Thats when the real work started. I'm stunned by the aloneness of it. I feel like i've been horribly maimed and noone can see it. To add some background...I lost my job in the middle of mums illness and I don't think that has hit me properly until now, I just kept thinking that i'd worry about that later. I work in the creative industry and work is hard to come by. At around the same time, my landlady sold the house from under me and I moved in to my partners place, again the thought of flat hunting in the middle of mum's illness was too much. So here I am, i've lost both my parents by 32, i'm jobless and heading for financial difficulties. I keep thinking I should change my career to something more stable, but then worry that this is a reaction. I'm trying to see my friends as much as I can, but of course, they can't be there all the time. My partner is great, but he works way for weeks at a time and i can't afford to be out every day, spending money. I'm spiralling downwards fast, I can feel it and I'm not sure what to do...I suppose I have to find any job as a start, I just feel I have no energy. My friends tell me that this is grief, but it's also real life and grief won't pay the bills. I'm sorry to moan and i'm trying to be positive by putting on a performance of my mothers poetry, to benefit charity, and in her memory. Its painful but cathartic at the same time. I'm rambling now...just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks.

HI, first of all I am so verry sorry for your loss. Your Mom had a very loving and devoted son in you. It sounds as if she was surrounded by love in her last days. I'm sure she did hear the songs and music you sang. They say hearing is the last thing to go.

You do indeed have a lot on your plate to handle at one time. I know it is not easy and I'm really glad that you felt you could come to this forum to vent. There are so many people out there who are going through similar experiences. It may not help to hear that, but it is a sad fact of life. I can relate to several of the things you mentioned from personal experience. The economic downturn has impacted people worldwide. Businesses failing and job losses. Stress is not a great thing to have to carry on your shoulder. Vent all you like and you are definitely not whining! Goodness knows I speak out. I wish there is something I could say or do to help you to feel better. Grief takes time to work through. Do not be too hard on yourself. Everyone has their own time and way of dealing with it. I'll say one thing for you...I'd be proud to have a son like you! Hang in there. And keep posting and venting if it helps.

Kate

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HI, first of all I am so verry sorry for your loss. Your Mom had a very loving and devoted son in you. It sounds as if she was surrounded by love in her last days. I'm sure she did hear the songs and music you sang. They say hearing is the last thing to go.

You do indeed have a lot on your plate to handle at one time. I know it is not easy and I'm really glad that you felt you could come to this forum to vent. There are so many people out there who are going through similar experiences. It may not help to hear that, but it is a sad fact of life. I can relate to several of the things you mentioned from personal experience. The economic downturn has impacted people worldwide. Businesses failing and job losses. Stress is not a great thing to have to carry on your shoulder. Vent all you like and you are definitely not whining! Goodness knows I speak out. I wish there is something I could say or do to help you to feel better. Grief takes time to work through. Do not be too hard on yourself. Everyone has their own time and way of dealing with it. I'll say one thing for you...I'd be proud to have a son like you! Hang in there. And keep posting and venting if it helps.

Kate

Thank you so much Kate. Your words made me cry. I think i'd lind of like to run before I can walk with this, trying to be 'normal' and it's not even a month since she died. I have a lot to be grateful for though, and should have added that. it was such a fraught ten months before her passing, I think i'm just exhausted and hankering after normality. It's baby steps for me...lots of 'casting my bread on the water' as my friend puts it. In time, I hope, it will come back to me. Thank you again for your kindness and I shall keep posting, and commenting on others posts.

John

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Trying to deal with normal life situations and then losing your parent is NOT easy. Believe me, I am going through the same thing. Lost my dad a month ago and I feel like I'm a marionette and everyone is manning a string! I have a husband and children and drama and financial issues then having to deal with Dad's death that I've completely pushed to the back burner..WHEW..It's enough to drive anyone batty! My advice to you would be too take things one thing at at time. Focus on the job searching then after that, on to the next thing. It can get pretty overwhelming otherwise! I am so sorry you lost your mother..): Take care!

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Hi John. I agree with Lexy completely. When it is so fresh and new...the emotions well up. It can seem overwhelming. One day at a time is the best way to approach it. Your mom passed away very quickly and I am sure you are still in shock. Running in all directions trying to put things into place is exhausting. It's after the fact that it hits hard.

Don't expect too much from yourself. You deserve some John time now... and a chance to put things into place. Take care, and I will be thinking of you.

Kate

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Trying to deal with normal life situations and then losing your parent is NOT easy. Believe me, I am going through the same thing. Lost my dad a month ago and I feel like I'm a marionette and everyone is manning a string! I have a husband and children and drama and financial issues then having to deal with Dad's death that I've completely pushed to the back burner..WHEW..It's enough to drive anyone batty! My advice to you would be too take things one thing at at time. Focus on the job searching then after that, on to the next thing. It can get pretty overwhelming otherwise! I am so sorry you lost your mother..): Take care!

Thank you for your kind words. Taking the time to grieve seems to be the hardest thing. I seem to want to be 'normal' again as quickly as possible, especially given mums fairly long illness before she died (10 months) and the other stuff that happened in my own life at the same time. It just feels that everything has been up in the air for so long now....and no sign of settling down. It's good to hear from others who have been there...my friends are great, but they don't know what to say really. The most painful part is the idea that your MUM is gone forever, or for the rest of this life at least. The one person who will love you and care for you unconditionally. The one person who will worry and pray for you, in spite of how far away you are, or how lax you are in calling. My mum was 62, I'm 32...I suppose I never expected to lose her so young. Bit angry about that really, although I accept that people lose thier parents at all sorts of ages and a lot younger than me. It has made me look at my life from a whole new perspective...made me wonder what on earth i'm doing. I'm now thinking of changing my career amongst other things. Although I love it, the creative arts are a tough industry, and i'm not feeling so tough at the moment. My friends say not to make any big decisions at this time and I do see the logic in that...still...I think the death of a loved one can be a catylist for change too. I'm in new territory here...and i'm just going to have to wait and see what the lay of the land is, before i take each new step.

I'm sorry you lost your dad. Mine died in 2004. I don't have kids to look after at this time, and I admire you for getting on with being a mother and a wife in the face of your loss. I'm sure they all are a great comfort to you though. Thankyou again and remember to take some time for you too.

John

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Hi John,

I just wanted to add some encouragement. I lost my mom very suddenly almost 9 months ago. She was living in Las Vegas, working and socializing with her friends when I got a phone call to come immediately. I got on the next plane to Vegas, got to her hospital room, and a few hours later she was gone. The devastation I felt was overwhelming. Like you said, she was the one person I had that loved me no matter what. My dad is gone for 30 years now and I have no siblings. Losing Mom felt like losing myself. I felt (and still feel to some extent) alone on the earth. I can't believe she isn't here with me! I have a very supportive husband so I haven't lost my mind completely, but believe me, I know what you are feeling. Please take heart that it does lose some of the sting and "fog" feeling as time goes on. I would advise you to not make any big decisions right now. Just do what comes next. Talk to your mom too. I believe they are still with us. I know she will help you as much as she loved (loves) you.

God bless you John, I will pray for you.

Susan

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Tonight I miss my mum. I just do.

She was such a special person and I was blessed to have her in my life. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks that she won't be in my life anymore.I wish i'd spent more time with her over the years, but I just didn't know I was going to lose her so soon.

She was a character, a real, one-off, solid gold character. She had the faith of a child, and a wisdom well beyond her years. She had the gift of being able to laugh at life, and at herself most of all, yet to her, life brought many trials. She was a poet of enormous depth and understanding, but struggled to compose a shopping list. Her faith in God was the mainstay of her life and she instilled that faith in me.

She brought me up to follow my heart and my dreams. I especially remember her telling me, when I was a small child, to treat my friends like butterflies in my hand....hold onto them too tightly and you'll crush them, hold them gently and they might just stay a while, but if they want to, you must let them fly away. That was typical of my mother. She lived her life surrounded by glorious metaphor...and so do I, because of her.

She told me many times how she had been unable to have children, and prayed for seven years. Finally, to her doctors astonishment, she had me, and called me John as a result. It means gift of God. She once sent me a letter telling me this and thanking me for encouraging her. Another time she thanked me not just for being her son, but for being her friend too. Yes, we were friends.

I was lax in calling though. She had a nack of ringing at just the wrong moment, i'd be at work, or busy on something or other and sure enough the phone would ring. Sometimes i'd answer it tersely, other times i'd ignore it and call back later. Sometimes i'd forget to call back at all. Still, her nack always made me smile. I kind of wish i'd answered more though.

She could be infuriating and adorable in the same moment...and she had a heart of solid, solid gold, and she gave that heart completely to me, her only child.

I don't really know why i'm writing all this, other than the fact that I seem to need to. I want to tell you all who she was and what she was like. I seem to want to let everybody know that this woman existed. I feel strangely lonely tonight, even though my partner is sleeping at my side. There is a little bit of me thats empty, and only my mum could fill it. The tears are blinding me as I write this and I know i'm being sentimental, but what the hell. My mum is gone and my heart is broken.

Thank God we said 'I love you' often. We did this after every phone call, ever since my dad had passed away. I had the privelage of telling her one last time, just before she passed away.

I always thought i'd be in a kind of agonising hysteria when mum finally passed, a sort of manic insanity, overwhelmed by the hugeness of it. I find it isn't like that at all. My grief is very private. It's a quiet agony. It's also very tender, almost sweet at times, which breaks my heart all the more. I am suffering from tension though, and my back is killing me. I'm trying to get out and about, but to be honest I feel safer alone at the moment. I'm like a wounded animal, thats gone off to heal somewhere solitary. I'm forcing myself to get out though, because I know thats good for me too.

I didn't mean to write a paean to my mum, but i'm glad I did....and I feel a bit better for doing so.

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John, your mom sounds like she was such a lovely woman...and a great mother to you. I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering how you are getting along. In time the beautiful memories you have of your Mom will give you comfort. It may sound somewhat trite right now but it will take time to slowly adjust to life with her gone. At some point you will find yourself picking up the pieces and moving along in a positive direction. She will always remain in your heart and will no doubt be cheering you on in whatever business endeavors you should pursue. Good luck on that front too! Must run...keep in touch.

Kate

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John, your mom sounds like she was such a lovely woman...and a great mother to you. I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering how you are getting along. In time the beautiful memories you have of your Mom will give you comfort. It may sound somewhat trite right now but it will take time to slowly adjust to life with her gone. At some point you will find yourself picking up the pieces and moving along in a positive direction. She will always remain in your heart and will no doubt be cheering you on in whatever business endeavors you should pursue. Good luck on that front too! Must run...keep in touch.

Kate

Thanks Kate...your messages keep me upbeat. I keep having to remind myself that it was only a month ago...and that i'll get there. Eventually! :)

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Thanks Kate...your messages keep me upbeat. I keep having to remind myself that it was only a month ago...and that i'll get there. Eventually! :)

Thanks are not necessary! Yes, you will move forward when you are ready. It really does take time. A month is not very long after all. And as far as not calling your Mom as much as you wold have liked? Well, my own son does the same thing. I know he has a busy life and is not always there at the time I would like. But I also know he loves me...so did your Mom. :)

Kate.

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Here is another little post of what i'm feeling and whats coming up for me. Tonight, i'm remembering mums illness. One heart attack, then a stroke...then more heart attacks, each one robbing her of a little more dignity, a little more of her 'life force'. I'm thinking (and this has been said to me many times) how strong her little body (she was 5'2') must have been to have survived all that for as long as she did....i've often said that I hope she's passed those strong genes on. I'm also remembering how we became a bit like strangers in those last days. Each attack changed her personality, robbed her of a little of her iron will each time. She was always child-like in many ways, that's partly why she was so loved, but she became demanding in those final months, despondant at times and totally reliant on whoever was around her. In the final few months she was tormented. She could no longer walk, could no longer manage her own body and had been partially blinded by the stroke. I have to admit, I became a little afraid of her. She was my wonderful, caring mother....but different. I'm an adult in my early thirties, but that sent me spinning back into the mindset of a five year old. I'd force these feelings to the back of my mind and get on with dealing with doctors/nurses/family etc...but that feeling was there nagging all the time. This isn't my mother. It terrified me. Part of me was thankful in those times that I lived 500 miles away, I couldn't deal with the full force of the change in the woman I loved so deeply. It made things a thousand times harder for me logistically, but I was quietly grateful for the respite that it afforded...and my family agreed. How I wish though that we hadn't moved her from her home into sheltered accomodation, but at the time it seemed the best thing to do...and she had been so excited at the prospect of a new home, full of NEW things. She got three hours in it before being taken back to hospital for the last time and I often think it might have been better to have left her alone, in the home she knew, around her friends and family. Still, we did it with the best of intentions, with the knowledge we had at our disposal.

I remember when I was a small child, my mum did that thing that you sometimes see in the movies. She took me to a window, in a darkened room and showed me the stars. I remember it clearly. She said that if anything ever happened to her, I was to look at the sky and find the brightest twinkling star and know that it was her, shining down over me and that she'd always be with me. Perhaps it's a cliche, but i've never forgotten it, and i'm not embarrased to say that tonight I took a walk into the garden, found the brightest, twinkling star in the sky....and waved at it. Lord knows what the neighbours thought....and I don't care. If the loss of your mother doesn't give you a license to act a bit strangely, I don't know what does.

I seem to be blogging on this forum....don't know if thats allowed. It's just whats coming up for me in the moment, and perhaps someone else will read this and get some comfort or recognition. I hope so.

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Hi John, it's so very difficult to watch the slow decline of someone that you love dearly. Illness can really take its toll both mentally and physically. Losing a parent is quite a wake up call to us all. It brings into focus our own mortality. We saw and dealt with some pretty difficult situations ourselves when our elderly family fell ill. Days where they became very difficult and frightened. I always tried to focus on the better times we had. It somehow made dealing with the here and now a little easier. I knew they would not have wanted to have come to that. But it is not our call.

The story of your mom taking you to the window and looking at the stars is lovely. What a beautiful thing for her to do. My son Jeff that died not long ago came into our cottage one evening late fall. He told me to come ourside. He had placed two lawn chairs on our deck and made a hot cup of coffee. We sat in the chairs and watched the most spectacular Northern Light display that I had ever winessed. They change every time. This was amazing. Lights dancing across the skies in an awesome display. Every time I look at the sky in the middle of the night...I see the wonder of it all. The skies are as black as ink and filled with a billion twinkling stars. He's out there and so is your Mom. You'll see her again one day.

Hold on to the beautiful memories. Be kind with yourself. You were a good son. Hope the job prospects are looking up. Thinking of you. Take care.

Kate

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Hi John, it's so very difficult to watch the slow decline of someone that you love dearly. Illness can really take its toll both mentally and physically. Losing a parent is quite a wake up call to us all. It brings into focus our own mortality. We saw and dealt with some pretty difficult situations ourselves when our elderly family fell ill. Days where they became very difficult and frightened. I always tried to focus on the better times we had. It somehow made dealing with the here and now a little easier. I knew they would not have wanted to have come to that. But it is not our call.

The story of your mom taking you to the window and looking at the stars is lovely. What a beautiful thing for her to do. My son Jeff that died not long ago came into our cottage one evening late fall. He told me to come ourside. He had placed two lawn chairs on our deck and made a hot cup of coffee. We sat in the chairs and watched the most spectacular Northern Light display that I had ever winessed. They change every time. This was amazing. Lights dancing across the skies in an awesome display. Every time I look at the sky in the middle of the night...I see the wonder of it all. The skies are as black as ink and filled with a billion twinkling stars. He's out there and so is your Mom. You'll see her again one day.

Hold on to the beautiful memories. Be kind with yourself. You were a good son. Hope the job prospects are looking up. Thinking of you. Take care.

Kate

Thanks Kate...you're like my little guardian angel, keeping me positive. I'm sorry about your son, I can't imgine what that must be like. Please take some comfort in knowing that you are making another mothers son feel a little less lonely in his loss. Thank you for that.

...and i'll try and keep posting, even though it's all kind of just a stream of unsorted thoughts and general feelings.

John

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Hey everyone...

Just a little update. Had an ok week or so, started to feel like my spirit was lifting a bit. But over the last few days i'm feeling very angry. I was brought up in a Christian home and had a strong faith myself, but thats been knocked for six by the events of the last year. I still look back in astonishment at the series of events that brought me here....I still can't quite believe it all happened. I'm like a shell shock victim. Literally my whole life fell apart all at once, my family, my career, my home....now my finances. I have no energy or desire to go out seeking a job (although a few little bits have come up which will help). I feel destitute. I just don't know what the future holds and i'm furious about the past. I'm blaming God vehemently...I kind of feel kicked in the teeth, again and again. I know anger is part of the grieving process, but I'm begining to feel like a bit of a victim and i'm certainly bitter and that can't be healthy. I know it happens to many people, but hell, i'm 32 and both my parents are dead, i've got no brothers or sisters and my career has dissapeared and my partner is away almost all of the time with his job. I'm just plain mad about the whole thing and don't seem to be able to pick myself up out of this. I've had my fair share of heartbreak and dissapointment in my life (my father passed in 2004 from cancer, I was 24), failed relationships/career prospects etc.....but i've always bounced back, always thought of myself as a tough little cookie. I feel just broken now. It's like its all finally licked me. It's not depression per se.....its a reaction to circumstances and I just don't want to deal with any more...but I have to....sadly I don't have any savings or inheritence. It would be nice to dissapear for a few months to another country and heal...but i've got to deal with the fallout of my own life as well as the end of my mothers. AAArrrgggghhhh!!! I'm just exhausted. I keep saying 'Enough Lord', but he doesn't seem to listen. I wish I could be more positive on these forums, but it's where i'm at. I'm spending Christmas with my friend in the country, who also lost her mum about a year ago. It will be nice but not the same as spending it with family. My athsma is playing up and i'm not feeling so healthy myself at the moment. God, I wish i could fast forward a few months and feel better about all this.

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I am so very sorry for the loss of both of your parents and the additional heartbreak in your life. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Sometimes it feels like we are so alone in this big world and no one cares, not even God. I wish I had some perfect advice. I lost my father in April, and I thought I was doing better, and then I realized that was just an illusion. The tensions between my mom and myself have shown me a whole other side of grief and I have just started dreaming about him. Keep praying. There will be a positive turn in your life. Just keep praying. I pray for understanding, and for relief of pain, and for hope. And although it sometimes feels like He does not hear me, I keep praying. Wishing you peace and comfort.

Hey everyone...

Just a little update. Had an ok week or so, started to feel like my spirit was lifting a bit. But over the last few days i'm feeling very angry. I was brought up in a Christian home and had a strong faith myself, but thats been knocked for six by the events of the last year. I still look back in astonishment at the series of events that brought me here....I still can't quite believe it all happened. I'm like a shell shock victim. Literally my whole life fell apart all at once, my family, my career, my home....now my finances. I have no energy or desire to go out seeking a job (although a few little bits have come up which will help). I feel destitute. I just don't know what the future holds and i'm furious about the past. I'm blaming God vehemently...I kind of feel kicked in the teeth, again and again. I know anger is part of the grieving process, but I'm begining to feel like a bit of a victim and i'm certainly bitter and that can't be healthy. I know it happens to many people, but hell, i'm 32 and both my parents are dead, i've got no brothers or sisters and my career has dissapeared and my partner is away almost all of the time with his job. I'm just plain mad about the whole thing and don't seem to be able to pick myself up out of this. I've had my fair share of heartbreak and dissapointment in my life (my father passed in 2004 from cancer, I was 24), failed relationships/career prospects etc.....but i've always bounced back, always thought of myself as a tough little cookie. I feel just broken now. It's like its all finally licked me. It's not depression per se.....its a reaction to circumstances and I just don't want to deal with any more...but I have to....sadly I don't have any savings or inheritence. It would be nice to dissapear for a few months to another country and heal...but i've got to deal with the fallout of my own life as well as the end of my mothers. AAArrrgggghhhh!!! I'm just exhausted. I keep saying 'Enough Lord', but he doesn't seem to listen. I wish I could be more positive on these forums, but it's where i'm at. I'm spending Christmas with my friend in the country, who also lost her mum about a year ago. It will be nice but not the same as spending it with family. My athsma is playing up and i'm not feeling so healthy myself at the moment. God, I wish i could fast forward a few months and feel better about all this.

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I am so very sorry for the loss of both of your parents and the additional heartbreak in your life. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Sometimes it feels like we are so alone in this big world and no one cares, not even God. I wish I had some perfect advice. I lost my father in April, and I thought I was doing better, and then I realized that was just an illusion. The tensions between my mom and myself have shown me a whole other side of grief and I have just started dreaming about him. Keep praying. There will be a positive turn in your life. Just keep praying. I pray for understanding, and for relief of pain, and for hope. And although it sometimes feels like He does not hear me, I keep praying. Wishing you peace and comfort.

Thankyou SadRN. I'm just heart broken. I found whole load of letters from my mum tonight i'd forgotten about, they were so beautiful I just cried and cried. I can't believe she isn't here anymore. I miss her so much. I am praying, relying on what small faith I have left. I do feel all alone and yet you wouldn't know it to hear me talk. I laugh and joke and in that moment i'm ok, but the moment i'm on my own, my grief is there waiting for me. Lord, this is so hard. I have to believe that there is a higher purpose in all this, for all of us. I have never known pain like this, even when my father passed. It is truly visceral. I hope that things get better between you and your mum, it's hard I know. I found that dreaming of my dad actually helped over time, it seemed to be my minds way of digesting it all and making sense of it, whilst putting him back in front of me until i could accept that he was gone. I've dreamt about mum a few times too. Take care of yourself and i pray that God will comfort you too.

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Thankyou SadRN. I'm just heart broken. I found whole load of letters from my mum tonight i'd forgotten about, they were so beautiful I just cried and cried. I can't believe she isn't here anymore. I miss her so much. I am praying, relying on what small faith I have left. I do feel all alone and yet you wouldn't know it to hear me talk. I laugh and joke and in that moment i'm ok, but the moment i'm on my own, my grief is there waiting for me. Lord, this is so hard. I have to believe that there is a higher purpose in all this, for all of us. I have never known pain like this, even when my father passed. It is truly visceral. I hope that things get better between you and your mum, it's hard I know. I found that dreaming of my dad actually helped over time, it seemed to be my minds way of digesting it all and making sense of it, whilst putting him back in front of me until i could accept that he was gone. I've dreamt about mum a few times too. Take care of yourself and i pray that God will comfort you too.

Hi John, it's me. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time these past few days. Remember what I mentioned earlier? This is perfectly normal and your feeling of sadness is something that will take time to ease. You do indeed have a lot on your plate to deal with. However, you sound like a really strong person that has been hit or blindsided by these losses.

It took me ages to fee as if my feet had hit the ground again after the loss of my own parents. I felt in many ways as if I was now one notch up on the ladder. Scary feeling thinking I could be next. It drove home my own mortality. All kinds of crazy things started to enter my mind. They had always been there for me and now I hadto face that I was on my own. It happens to all of us at some time or another. And we do adjust after a time.

I hope that you will be able to focus on taking one day at a time and not put too much pressure on yourself. One of my son's and his wife had moved to Dublin where they lived for three years. They loved it. Decided to make it permanent. Came back to Canada and sold their home and everything and moved back. After all was said and done...when they arrived back they were told they were not able to stay. The economy had tanked in Ireland. They both lost their jobs and returned to Canada brokenhearted. They took a terrible financial loss. They were both highly educated professionals. The global economy is taking a real beating right now. Hang in there. Brighter days are ahead.

Kate

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Hi John, it's me. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time these past few days. Remember what I mentioned earlier? This is perfectly normal and your feeling of sadness is something that will take time to ease. You do indeed have a lot on your plate to deal with. However, you sound like a really strong person that has been hit or blindsided by these losses.

It took me ages to feel as if my feet had hit the ground again after the loss of my own parents. I felt in many ways as if I was now one notch up on the ladder. Scary feeling thinking I could be next. It drove home my own mortality. All kinds of crazy things started to enter my mind. They had always been there for me and now I hadto face that I was on my own. It happens to all of us at some time or another. And we do adjust after a time.

I hope that you will be able to focus on taking one day at a time and not put too much pressure on yourself. My other son and his wife had moved to Dublin where they lived for three years. They loved it. Decided to make it permanent. Came back to Canada and sold their home and everything and moved back. After all was said and done...when they arrived back they were told they were not able to stay. The economy had tanked in Ireland. They both lost their jobs and returned to Canada brokenhearted. They took a terrible financial loss. They were both highly educated professionals. The global economy is taking a real beating right now. Hang in there. Brighter days are ahead.

Kate

One last thing I should have mentioned that may give you some hope. When they returned back to Canada they were pretty ticked off at the Irish government. They held a ton of anger inside at the way they had been used. After they decided to let it go they started to move forward. Today, almost two years later... they are now thriving again. A beautiful home in Calgary overlooking the mountains, a new baby, and a fresh start. I asked him not too terribly long ago if he would ever move back, or did he miss it? He replied,"In a heartbeat!"

This season is bound to be hard on you right now. I am sure that with the support of your partner, other family members, and your friends, you will surprise yourself at how quickly it will pass. Hope it all works out.

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One last thing I should have mentioned that may give you some hope. When they returned back to Canada they were pretty ticked off at the Irish government. They held a ton of anger inside at the way they had been used. After they decided to let it go they started to move forward. Today, almost two years later... they are now thriving again. A beautiful home in Calgary overlooking the mountains, a new baby, and a fresh start. I asked him not too terribly long ago if he would ever move back, or did he miss it? He replied,"In a heartbeat!"

This season is bound to be hard on you right now. I am sure that with the support of your partner, other family members, and your friends, you will surprise yourself at how quickly it will pass. Hope it all works out.

Hey kate..

Good to hear from you. I hope you're well. Funny, you just said you felt everything i'm feeling at the moment. I DO feel like i'm a notch up the ladder, I HAVE thought 'oh no, i'm next' and it HAS made me consider my own mortality. I guess we humans are not all that different in our experiences. You're right, I have been COMPLETELY blindsided, more than once in this past year and it'll take me time to recover. I'm questioning everything, my faith, my vocation, my personal life...the lot. My own health seems to have crumbled a bit too of late. I think i've been holding so much in and pushing aside my own stress and feelings for so long that it's all coming out now in various ways. I'm hard pushed to imagine that i'll ever be happy and care-free again (and by care-free I mean not struggling under the weight of stress and worry). I'm just trying to do the next right thing, however small and not look too much at the bigger picture at the moment....otherwise it seems overwhelming. One foot in front of the other...baby steps. Who knows what the future holds.

John

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Hi John, glad you replied. I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering how it is going. You know something? When I was under so much stress a while back...looking after several elderly family members, etc. I found that I was almost going on adrenaline. I pushed myself to keep going and finish all the jobs at hand. I did not fully understand how tired I actually was until they had passed away and then it hit! And, oh boy, did it ever hit. I could have slept for days and still felt tired when I got up. I felt completely bottomed out. I then started to question a ton of things going on in my life as you are doing now. When things became too much for me to tackle I just went with that day and made a to do list. I was happy if I could cross off a few of those things. Eventually I moved forward. But it took a lot of time working through issues that I had with some of my family. Like you...they forced me to question where I was at this point and what changes I needed to make for me. Someone once asked me what I did for myself. I was shocked when I stopped dead in my tracks as I could not honestly think of anything. I had been so totally sucked up into the others that I had ceased to live a life for myself. This is a whole new time for you. Go slowly and think it through carefully. Change is not necessarily bad. It is scary to try new things and take that initial step. Sometimes it can be the best thing that ever happened. One thing is for sure. If you don't try. Nothing will change.

How are you managing with the holiday season? Hopefully you will be able to be with friends or other family. I too am really feeling it. Some days harder then others. I have to get tough with myself when I start to slip. If I don't look after myself then how can I expect others to care? Hang in there, my friend. Brighter days are just ahead!

Kate :)

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Hey everyone...

Just a little update. Had an ok week or so, started to feel like my spirit was lifting a bit. But over the last few days i'm feeling very angry. I was brought up in a Christian home and had a strong faith myself, but thats been knocked for six by the events of the last year. I still look back in astonishment at the series of events that brought me here....I still can't quite believe it all happened. I'm like a shell shock victim. Literally my whole life fell apart all at once, my family, my career, my home....now my finances. I have no energy or desire to go out seeking a job (although a few little bits have come up which will help). I feel destitute. I just don't know what the future holds and i'm furious about the past. I'm blaming God vehemently...I kind of feel kicked in the teeth, again and again. I know anger is part of the grieving process, but I'm begining to feel like a bit of a victim and i'm certainly bitter and that can't be healthy. I know it happens to many people, but hell, i'm 32 and both my parents are dead, i've got no brothers or sisters and my career has dissapeared and my partner is away almost all of the time with his job. I'm just plain mad about the whole thing and don't seem to be able to pick myself up out of this. I've had my fair share of heartbreak and dissapointment in my life (my father passed in 2004 from cancer, I was 24), failed relationships/career prospects etc.....but i've always bounced back, always thought of myself as a tough little cookie. I feel just broken now. It's like its all finally licked me. It's not depression per se.....its a reaction to circumstances and I just don't want to deal with any more...but I have to....sadly I don't have any savings or inheritence. It would be nice to dissapear for a few months to another country and heal...but i've got to deal with the fallout of my own life as well as the end of my mothers. AAArrrgggghhhh!!! I'm just exhausted. I keep saying 'Enough Lord', but he doesn't seem to listen. I wish I could be more positive on these forums, but it's where i'm at. I'm spending Christmas with my friend in the country, who also lost her mum about a year ago. It will be nice but not the same as spending it with family. My athsma is playing up and i'm not feeling so healthy myself at the moment. God, I wish i could fast forward a few months and feel better about all this.

Hi Scotguy, I'm so sorry for both of your losses. I just wanted to say hang in there, you aren't alone in that black void. By your entries here, I get the feeling you can see the rays of light poking through at times, which is a good thing. I'm agnostic, but it doesn't matter when someone close to you dies; it still hurts & feels like it's never going to get any better. One of my former neighbors used to say "God only gives you what you can handle". Even though I doubt the existence of any deities, I never forgot that phrase, for some reason. Probably because it sounds like a challenge. And I really liked your request to fast forward a few months ~ to me, that sounds like you know for certain that you CAN get through all this. I think you can, too. You are not alone, don't forget that. Take care ~

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Hi John, just wondering how you are doing these days. I thought of you a couple of times over the past week. Hope things are going ok.

I'm just looking outside and it is a winter wonderland. The snow is softly falling in huge flakes. I just turned on our Christmas lights in the yard and it really is a cheery sight. My husband and I returned not long ago from walking in the woods to the site where Jeff's ashes are scattered overlooking the lake. The lake has now started to freeze

over and the ice formation is actually quite beautiful. I decided to take something in to leave on the 12th. for the second anniversary. How are you holding up? Hope you have plans to be with family or friends over the holidays. Will you be returning to Scotland? My husband's family originated from a place call MacDuff. It is right on the north sea coast. We have visited a few times and loved our visit. We took the whiskey trail tour and absolutely loved the scenery. And so my wee man...stay strong and look forward to hearing from you.:)

Kate

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Hi John, just wondering how you are doing these days. I thought of you a couple of times over the past week. Hope things are going ok.

I'm just looking outside and it is a winter wonderland. The snow is softly falling in huge flakes. I just turned on our Christmas lights in the yard and it really is a cheery sight. My husband and I returned not long ago from walking in the woods to the site where Jeff's ashes are scattered overlooking the lake. The lake has now started to freeze

over and the ice formation is actually quite beautiful. I decided to take something in to leave on the 12th. for the second anniversary. How are you holding up? Hope you have plans to be with family or friends over the holidays. Will you be returning to Scotland? My husband's family originated from a place call MacDuff. It is right on the north sea coast. We have visited a few times and loved our visit. We took the whiskey trail tour and absolutely loved the scenery. And so my wee man...stay strong and look forward to hearing from you.:)

Kate

Hey Kate...

Sorry for not replying earlier, this was a busy week. I'm feeling a bit better at the moment. I saw my doctor the other day and he tells me i'm suffering from stress and anxiety and that its all perfectly normal given the events of the last year. He told me to make sure that I allowed myself to grieve ( as if i'd actually choose to stop myself ) but also to look to the future. Sound advice and i'm doing just that, getting on with projects and ideas. I have gone back to a temping job i used to do, which will keep the wolf from the door and am spending Christmas with a friend in Surrey...as i'm just not ready to be in Scotland so soon after mum passing. I do find myself feeling a bit more positive of late and I think seeing my doctor helped...if only to prove to me that everything i was feeling was as it should be. To be honest i'm dreading New Year more....Hogmanay as we call it in Scotland, is even bigger than Christmas, and i've got a feeling thats when it might hit home. Still, if it does, it does....it hasn't killed me yet! I'm glad you have a nice place to go and be with your son. Mum and dad are both buried in a beautiful spot overlooking the Campsie Fells....where we used to walk when I was young.

Anyways....I hope you too have some nice plans for the season and are spending it with loved ones. Stay strong too and chat soon.

John

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Hey Kate...

Sorry for not replying earlier, this was a busy week. I'm feeling a bit better at the moment. I saw my doctor the other day and he tells me i'm suffering from stress and anxiety and that its all perfectly normal given the events of the last year. He told me to make sure that I allowed myself to grieve ( as if i'd actually choose to stop myself ) but also to look to the future. Sound advice and i'm doing just that, getting on with projects and ideas. I have gone back to a temping job i used to do, which will keep the wolf from the door and am spending Christmas with a friend in Surrey...as i'm just not ready to be in Scotland so soon after mum passing. I do find myself feeling a bit more positive of late and I think seeing my doctor helped...if only to prove to me that everything i was feeling was as it should be. To be honest i'm dreading New Year more....Hogmanay as we call it in Scotland, is even bigger than Christmas, and i've got a feeling thats when it might hit home. Still, if it does, it does....it hasn't killed me yet! I'm glad you have a nice place to go and be with your son. Mum and dad are both buried in a beautiful spot overlooking the Campsie Fells....where we used to walk when I was young.

Anyways....I hope you too have some nice plans for the season and are spending it with loved ones. Stay strong too and chat soon.

John

I am sincerely glad to see that things are looking up slightly. You are experiencing the loss of your Mom and you are not losing it. Your family doctor was so right... all these feelings are normal.. We are spending Christmas alone... but that is OK. Our son is coming from Calgary over the holidays and we will see him at some point. Hey, I'm supposed to be comforting you my boy! We're two peas in a pod. Thinking of you and wishing you a peaceful Christmas.:)

Kate

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John, wasn't going to mention this, but what the heck! We are a family of redheads. And as far as I am led to believe Hogmany is about a dark haired person being the first to cross the thresold of the home on the New Year. Well, you had to know my FIL...father-in-law. Typical Scot. Stubborn and bullish. As I did not have a lump of coal I was not allowed into the home first... as I had red hair! He actually closed the door in my face. Whatever, I said to myself...crazy old coot. We had many years of going back and forth like this. Looking back now as nuts as it was. I kind of miss it. Thank God, we have a sense of humour.:D

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John, wasn't going to mention this, but what the heck! We are a family of redheads. And as far as I am led to believe Hogmany is about a dark haired person being the first to cross the thresold of the home on the New Year. Well, you had to know my FIL...father-in-law. Typical Scot. Stubborn and bullish. As I did not have a lump of coal I was not allowed into the home first... as I had red hair! He actually closed the door in my face. Whatever, I said to myself...crazy old coot. We had many years of going back and forth like this. Looking back now as nuts as it was. I kind of miss it. Thank God, we have a sense of humour.:D

Oh Hogmanay is surrounded with lore and superstition. I know people who will be furious if you try to 'first foot' them without a lump of coal....never heard the redhead thing though! They really believe that you are bringing the luck of the year into thier home and if you get it wrong......they're not happy! It's all dying out now though, the younger generation can't be bothered keeping all the old traditions going. Still.....on a new years day in Scotland, you can still see random lumps of coal all over the place where people have dropped them after a night out. It's a lot of fun, if a little strange! :)

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My mother was from Scotland too, i miss her so much she died on nov 14. I am the only child and its very difficult.

Debbie

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Hi Debbie...I was just going to send a message to Scotguy. There you were. I am so sorry about your Mom. As I look through the sites...I see the common thread of unhappiness that has been magnified by the holiday season. This time of year is so hard for everyone that has lost somebody in their life that is so special. I don't have the magic answer as to how to feel better. I wish I did. I only know that I try to go with my gut instinct. I make a ton of mistakes, but I sometimes get it right. One day at a time.

John...I would be hard pressed to find a lump of coal where I live. I'll say one thing for the memories of times past. Sometimes they give you a wonderful feeling. Warm and comforting. Hope this week is better for you. How is the temp position working out? Any leads on something permanent? I was happy to see that you will be spending Christmas day with a friend of yours. I'm sorry to see that she has lost a special person as well. But you will not be alone. And that is important. Keep in touch. Hoping for a better New Year for you.

Kate

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Debbie...you did not say too much. Are you an adult on your own? Being an only child can be so much harder... as you do not have the added support of other siblings. It can often magnify the feeling of loneliness. I hope your Mom did not suffer. How are you doing right now? Are you managing to cope ,ok? I wish there was something that I could say or do to help. I'm sure this feeling of loss is still very raw and fresh. It does take a long time to be able to move forward. One day at a time is all you can ask of yourself. Keep posting. People here do care and will listen and offer support.

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Hi Debbie...I was just going to send a message to Scotguy. There you were. I am so sorry about your Mom. As I look through the sites...I see the common thread of unhappiness that has been magnified by the holiday season. This time of year is so hard for everyone that has lost somebody in their life that is so special. I don't have the magic answer as to how to feel better. I wish I did. I only know that I try to go with my gut instinct. I make a ton of mistakes, but I sometimes get it right. One day at a time.

John...I would be hard pressed to find a lump of coal where I live. I'll say one thing for the memories of times past. Sometimes they give you a wonderful feeling. Warm and comforting. Hope this week is better for you. How is the temp position working out? Any leads on something permanent? I was happy to see that you will be spending Christmas day with a friend of yours. I'm sorry to see that she has lost a special person as well. But you will not be alone. And that is important. Keep in touch. Hoping for a better New Year for you.

Kate

Hey Kate...yes you are right, memories are precious, although they can be damn painful at the moment too, however sweet. I'm sure that will change and mellow with time. The temp position is ok, but I hope it is just that...a temporary stop gap. I'm working hard on finding something more aligned with my goals and aspirations....time and hard work will tell. As for Christmas...i'm 'doing' it, I thought about not, but what would be the point. I'm going to have as much fun as I can, i've bought (most of) my presents and shall just take it as it comes, there will be a few hairy moments no doubt, but most days are like that right now, so i'm going for it. I hope you have a peaceful and blessed Christmas Kate, i'll be thinking about you :)

John

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My mother was from Scotland too, i miss her so much she died on nov 14. I am the only child and its very difficult.

Debbie

Hello Debbie.

Yes, I'm an only child too and it is very difficult. There are so many decisions to be made and things to do and all of it falls on your shoulders. I've been there, and very recently. I hope you have some extended family and family friends to lean on and a good support network of your own friends too. These made such a difference to me and they guided me when I was faltering and worried about what to do/say/think. Try not to be on your own too much, I found that helps. I also found that sorting through old letters and photos helped. It was painful at first, but it deminished the feeling that there were whole drawers of things that I just couldn't face, sorting through them kind of gave me a tiny bit of closure. Don't be afraid to cry, as you will know it bubbles up at the least convenient of times, but thats ok. I've learned that (within reason) most things are ok in grief, I explained to all my friends that I was a bit loopy for the forseable future and not to expect too much from me...every one of them supported me in that. Do what you can on good days and don't berate yourself for not getting anything done on bad days, do what makes you laugh, or if you need to and can't, do what makes you cry....strangely i've had to do the latter more often than the former in the last couple of months, grief can be strange that way i've found. Take long, long walks if you can...I have always pounded out my troubles on the tarmac and it has always brought me a sense of clarity to my situation. Open up to people and be honest, try not to say you're fine if you aren't.... I've discovered people are most awkward around a grieving person if they don't know whats going on, they fear saying/doing the wrong thing, when the chips are down though, most people can empathise and are more than happy to offer a few words of comfort. Most of all remember you're not alone, you only have to read all the support and encouragement I've gotten on here to see that. Keep posting and folks will bolster you up. i can't tell you how many times I've bubbled over a reply left to me on this site. These are just a few things that have helped me, i'm sure you have many little ways of coping of your own. It's been two months for me and already i feel a subtle shift, a small 'brightening'. i still have many bad days, but not quite so dark. You will too, in time.

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Hi Scotguy, I'm so sorry for both of your losses. I just wanted to say hang in there, you aren't alone in that black void. By your entries here, I get the feeling you can see the rays of light poking through at times, which is a good thing. I'm agnostic, but it doesn't matter when someone close to you dies; it still hurts & feels like it's never going to get any better. One of my former neighbors used to say "God only gives you what you can handle". Even though I doubt the existence of any deities, I never forgot that phrase, for some reason. Probably because it sounds like a challenge. And I really liked your request to fast forward a few months ~ to me, that sounds like you know for certain that you CAN get through all this. I think you can, too. You are not alone, don't forget that. Take care ~

Thank you Darkheart

It has been a testing time, but i do feel some small progress of late. I hope to get through the Christmas season fairly quickly though. I'm going to celebrate it however and not shy away from it...but I think I'll also be kind of happy on Jan 2nd. I hope you are ok and that you have a peaceful Christmas and that 2012 is a brighter year for all of us on here.

Take care.

John

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Hi Kate: Im a grown up 52 years old and i feel like a child. I was the apple of my mothers eye. I will try to make it brief. Mom had parkinsons, she got worse, she is from scotland lives in NJ and i was in calif getting a B.A. in sociology/social work and a doc called said she fell and broke her hip so i flew in and got her. She was dong ok, i had to feed her etc toward the end. We got back to jersey after i graduated and i put her in a nursing home, they thought they knew everything and said she should remain there.

Well i watched her lose a lot of weight and in august i told them she should be in the hospital. They said she was fine. By october i complained and they finally allowed her to go to the hospital but she had mrsa and pneumonia and i was right all along. They told me they would feed her and they didn't bother. I fed her 4 times a day and kept her weight up. Long story short they waited to long to hospitalize her and she died from complications of pneumonia, etc. Had she been put in in august she could have been treated. So i went through the stages of denial, anger, bitterness, and finally acceptance. I miss her so much my purpose seems gone. I always went there and now i feel empty. There is no one like her, the more people i meet the more i miss her. i cry a couple of times a day.

I am doing my masters in health care admin online that helps some but i decided today i just don't know if life will ever be the same again. I am having roommate problems as well but the thought of living alone scares me. She had one sister left she is 92 the other siblings of hers are gone. a brother in england and 2 other sisters here in jersey. I have found a lawyer to take my case today so that is good. I want nursing homes to start treating the elderly better and to be fired if they do not take the necessary steps to hospitalize someone when they need it. Lord have mercy. I need to find a church here and start singing in the choir again.

So that is it, thanks for listening. Blessing to you both. Debbie

John you seem like your managing ok and yes grieving is normal. Its only been 3 weeks for me and sometimes i wake up and forget she is gone. I just can't believe it. Its like i could keep her alive by sheer force of will and i did. I miss taking her cadbury chocolates, her favorite food, etc. oh lord, well hope you are ok.

Prayers for Kate for listening and prayers for scotguy to also keep strong and go on. its so cold and rainy here which makes it worse. lol

Debbie

Hi Debbie...I was just going to send a message to Scotguy. There you were. I am so sorry about your Mom. As I look through the sites...I see the common thread of unhappiness that has been magnified by the holiday season. This time of year is so hard for everyone that has lost somebody in their life that is so special. I don't have the magic answer as to how to feel better. I wish I did. I only know that I try to go with my gut instinct. I make a ton of mistakes, but I sometimes get it right. One day at a time.

John...I would be hard pressed to find a lump of coal where I live. I'll say one thing for the memories of times past. Sometimes they give you a wonderful feeling. Warm and comforting. Hope this week is better for you. How is the temp position working out? Any leads on something permanent? I was happy to see that you will be spending Christmas day with a friend of yours. I'm sorry to see that she has lost a special person as well. But you will not be alone. And that is important. Keep in touch. Hoping for a better New Year for you.

Kate

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Hi Debbie, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I know it hurts to lose your Mom. It sounds as if you really tried your best to help her. You could not have done more. You asked if life would ever be the same. Well, no actually. It is going to change. But that does not mean it can't move forward in a positive direction. You are the one that can make it happen. Let go of the anguish and anger inside and push ahead..It will help to give you much needed peace. Easy to say...that I know. But you can do it. Your plan to go back to Church and join the choir is a good one. As far as your roommate? I am not sure what to say. Except sometimes making a difficult change is what is needed to push ahead. It is easy to stay stuck in a moment, but it takes real effort to make changes to your life. I hope you are managing OK over this holiday period. Take care.

John...hope you are doing well. I hear they had a wicked wind storm in Scotland yesterday. Hate to tell you this, but another gale force storm is coming your way from Newfoundland...due to hit by Monday. Not much to block it from blowing across the Atlantic. Apparently England will be hit as well.

Enjoy your Christmas Day with your friends and sending" Warm Wishes" for a better New Year for you. :)

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Hi Debbie, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I know it hurts to lose your Mom. It sounds as if you really tried your best to help her. You could not have done more. You asked if life would ever be the same. Well, no actually. It is going to change. But that does not mean it can't move forward in a positive direction. You are the one that can make it happen. Let go of the anguish and anger inside and push ahead..It will help to give you much needed peace. Easy to say...that I know. But you can do it. Your plan to go back to Church and join the choir is a good one. As far as your roommate? I am not sure what to say. Except sometimes making a difficult change is what is needed to push ahead. It is easy to stay stuck in a moment, but it takes real effort to make changes to your life. I hope you are managing OK over this holiday period. Take care.

John...hope you are doing well. I hear they had a wicked wind storm in Scotland yesterday. Hate to tell you this, but another gale force storm is coming your way from Newfoundland...due to hit by Monday. Not much to block it from blowing across the Atlantic. Apparently England will be hit as well.

Enjoy your Christmas Day with your friends and sending" Warm Wishes" for a better New Year for you. :)

Hey Kate...i'm ok today thanks. Been picking up little bits of work which helps. My mood can darken on a sixpence though at the moment, so i'm just taking it one step at a time and trying to be productive when i'm 'up'. The Scottish storm made all the papers....and I think we're getting the beginning of the next one now, as the wind and rain are HOWLING outside. I quite like it though, as i'm cosy indoors. :) I hope all is good with you and sending lots of Christmas cheer over the sea...

John :)

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Hi Kate: Im a grown up 52 years old and i feel like a child. I was the apple of my mothers eye. I will try to make it brief. Mom had parkinsons, she got worse, she is from scotland lives in NJ and i was in calif getting a B.A. in sociology/social work and a doc called said she fell and broke her hip so i flew in and got her. She was dong ok, i had to feed her etc toward the end. We got back to jersey after i graduated and i put her in a nursing home, they thought they knew everything and said she should remain there.

Well i watched her lose a lot of weight and in august i told them she should be in the hospital. They said she was fine. By october i complained and they finally allowed her to go to the hospital but she had mrsa and pneumonia and i was right all along. They told me they would feed her and they didn't bother. I fed her 4 times a day and kept her weight up. Long story short they waited to long to hospitalize her and she died from complications of pneumonia, etc. Had she been put in in august she could have been treated. So i went through the stages of denial, anger, bitterness, and finally acceptance. I miss her so much my purpose seems gone. I always went there and now i feel empty. There is no one like her, the more people i meet the more i miss her. i cry a couple of times a day.

I am doing my masters in health care admin online that helps some but i decided today i just don't know if life will ever be the same again. I am having roommate problems as well but the thought of living alone scares me. She had one sister left she is 92 the other siblings of hers are gone. a brother in england and 2 other sisters here in jersey. I have found a lawyer to take my case today so that is good. I want nursing homes to start treating the elderly better and to be fired if they do not take the necessary steps to hospitalize someone when they need it. Lord have mercy. I need to find a church here and start singing in the choir again.

So that is it, thanks for listening. Blessing to you both. Debbie

John you seem like your managing ok and yes grieving is normal. Its only been 3 weeks for me and sometimes i wake up and forget she is gone. I just can't believe it. Its like i could keep her alive by sheer force of will and i did. I miss taking her cadbury chocolates, her favorite food, etc. oh lord, well hope you are ok.

Prayers for Kate for listening and prayers for scotguy to also keep strong and go on. its so cold and rainy here which makes it worse. lol

Debbie

Hey Debbie...

How are you today? I hope you are feeling a little stronger. I know what you mean about forgetting that your loved one has gone....that happens to me sometimes and i've just started dreaming about mum, which has left me with a terribly bereft feeling on wakening from time to time. Suppose it's all part of the healing process. I miss mum's cheery phone calls and her big smile. It's ok to miss all the things that remind you of her. If I could say something to make you feel better I would, but I can't. The only thing that is helping me is time and talking, especially on this forum. The folks here will never know how they have helped me through this, they will help you through too. Just keep posting and reading.

I wish you a peaceful and blessed Christmas.

John

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Hey Debbie...

How are you today? I hope you are feeling a little stronger. I know what you mean about forgetting that your loved one has gone....that happens to me sometimes and i've just started dreaming about mum, which has left me with a terribly bereft feeling on wakening from time to time. Suppose it's all part of the healing process. I miss mum's cheery phone calls and her big smile. It's ok to miss all the things that remind you of her. If I could say something to make you feel better I would, but I can't. The only thing that is helping me is time and talking, especially on this forum. The folks here will never know how they have helped me through this, they will help you through too. Just keep posting and reading.

I wish you a peaceful and blessed Christmas.

John

Hi John: Hope your peddling along. lol Try to keep your stress level down. At night do a little yoga. That is a life savor for me. I swim and do yoga. I wanted to write because i had a rather hard day as i do often, crying or something reminds me of her, or just feeling empty. I wonder how one copes. I wanted to say that its so wierd sometimes I actually try not to think she is gone, its easier, but when something goes wrong like it did today, omg i always ran to her as a daughter. My mum was strong, smart a worker, etc. She was one in a million, so I am just trying to get thru this. She was always on the outside of my mind and now that area is filled with i guess nothing, that hurts. Makes me wonder if i should seek a counselor. I actually have a minor in psychology but at a time like this i just don't know. The last thing i want to say is living in NJ without her is very wierd. All americans and i am so used to her scottish accent and lifestyle. I am trying so hard to be strong. Now that i have depressed you. LOL I want to say please try to have a jolly and fun as possible christmas. I was singing alittle today. ahh well cherio. Debbie

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Hi John: Hope your peddling along. lol Try to keep your stress level down. At night do a little yoga. That is a life savor for me. I swim and do yoga. I wanted to write because i had a rather hard day as i do often, crying or something reminds me of her, or just feeling empty. I wonder how one copes. I wanted to say that its so wierd sometimes I actually try not to think she is gone, its easier, but when something goes wrong like it did today, omg i always ran to her as a daughter. My mum was strong, smart a worker, etc. She was one in a million, so I am just trying to get thru this. She was always on the outside of my mind and now that area is filled with i guess nothing, that hurts. Makes me wonder if i should seek a counselor. I actually have a minor in psychology but at a time like this i just don't know. The last thing i want to say is living in NJ without her is very wierd. All americans and i am so used to her scottish accent and lifestyle. I am trying so hard to be strong. Now that i have depressed you. LOL I want to say please try to have a jolly and fun as possible christmas. I was singing alittle today. ahh well cherio. Debbie

HI Debbie, I just wanted to send you a quick message to wish you a peaceful holiday. Here's hoping for a better New Year! Speaking of Scottish accents? My father- in- law was scottish. My grandmother on father's side...Irish...my grandmother on mother's side English. I found that growing up around them it was just the norm to hear them speak. I never had a problem. Occasionally my Gram from Ireland would use some strange sayings...but I always understood them. And she refused to call me by my given name. Til the day she died she called me by the name she wanted. Cassie. Go figure? I learned from an early age to just go with the flow. She was good at hip checking.

Anyway, have a lovely holiday. Hope you decided to join the choir and will be singing at Christmas service.

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Oh Lord...my back has gone. It has been bugging me for months and now its gone into an 'acute spasm'. I had to see a medic quick yesterday (not an easy thing in London) and she told me it's all due to grief. Doctor told me the same thing last month when I complained about breathing problems. This woman gently explained that whatever happens to a body emotionally, HAS to come out eventually in a physical way. She said there was no way of avoiding it. Apparently this is whats happening with my back. I was doing so well for a while, but seem to have hit a slump again. I'm starting to feel like a bit of a five year old, who wants to roll in the dust kicking and screaming about how unfair everything is. I am, i'm like a giant petulant CHILD! Actually i'm feeling a bit unloved (...and rather grateful that this site is anonymous as i'd NEVER admit that out loud!) Don't know if it's the whole Christmas thing, but i'm kind of bitter about the whole shabang all of a sudden. I feel cheated and hard done by and sour. I'm resenting everything that has happened and finding ways of pushing people away. MY WHOLE LIFE HAS CHANGED. Abruptly, in the course of one year EVERYTHING is different. To be honest i'm LIVID, and I know thats a stage of grief and probably rather normal and healthy, but it sucks. I should probably see a councellor, but I can't afford one and please tell me if any of you guys have experienced this....but I seem to be the friend from hell. I'm finding the tiniest reasons to be angry at people...they didn't call/ write/ say the right thing/ at the right time etc etc. At a time when I least need to lose other people from my life, I seem to be doing everything I can to get rid of them. In truth some of my friends have been great over this whole period, others less so (and it has often surprised me which ones were which) But I need to stop expecting people to treat me like an orphaned baby, I'm a fully grown man. Ok...rant over. See...i'm even grumpy with myself! lol!

Hope you are all having a good holiday season.

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Oh Lord...my back has gone. It has been bugging me for months and now its gone into an 'acute spasm'. I had to see a medic quick yesterday (not an easy thing in London) and she told me it's all due to grief. Doctor told me the same thing last month when I complained about breathing problems. This woman gently explained that whatever happens to a body emotionally, HAS to come out eventually in a physical way. She said there was no way of avoiding it. Apparently this is whats happening with my back. I was doing so well for a while, but seem to have hit a slump again. I'm starting to feel like a bit of a five year old, who wants to roll in the dust kicking and screaming about how unfair everything is. I am, i'm like a giant petulant CHILD! Actually i'm feeling a bit unloved (...and rather grateful that this site is anonymous as i'd NEVER admit that out loud!) Don't know if it's the whole Christmas thing, but i'm kind of bitter about the whole shabang all of a sudden. I feel cheated and hard done by and sour. I'm resenting everything that has happened and finding ways of pushing people away. MY WHOLE LIFE HAS CHANGED. Abruptly, in the course of one year EVERYTHING is different. To be honest i'm LIVID, and I know thats a stage of grief and probably rather normal and healthy, but it sucks. I should probably see a councellor, but I can't afford one and please tell me if any of you guys have experienced this....but I seem to be the friend from hell. I'm finding the tiniest reasons to be angry at people...they didn't call/ write/ say the right thing/ at the right time etc etc. At a time when I least need to lose other people from my life, I seem to be doing everything I can to get rid of them. In truth some of my friends have been great over this whole period, others less so (and it has often surprised me which ones were which) But I need to stop expecting people to treat me like an orphaned baby, I'm a fully grown man. Ok...rant over. See...i'm even grumpy with myself! lol!

Hope you are all having a good holiday season.

Oh John, can I ever relate to how you are feeling these days. You want to curl up in bed and have Mom bring you a comforting cup of tea right? I mentioned to my husband last evening how I wanted to do the same thing. I wished my Mom back to look after me as everything seemed like it was too hard to deal with. I wanted to take a break from the responsibilities of life as when I was a child. Oh, if only.

I'm sorry about your back. You sound very tense and full of unhappiness. That definitely is not going to help with the spasms. Are you sleeping and eating alright? When I become overwhelmed with life... I make a mental to do list for the day. I don't focus on tomorrow, but just accomplishing what is on that list. Everything else can wait for another day. I too have pushed people away and at a time I need them the most. NOT a good idea. Most people just don't get it. I can react with anger or irritation at that.... but the sad fact is that they have not experienced what I have and can not begin to understand. I need to cut them some slack. And like you...many days I just don't feel like it. You are feeling as if life has treated you unfairly. There is nothing fair about many things that happen in our lives. We are sent all kinds of trials... and it is up to us how we choose to handle them. Allowing yourself a grumpy day or day off because you are in a slump is ok. Just as long as you get back on that horse tomorrow. Your Mom would want you to keep plugging along.

This is an awful time of the year for those recently grieving and people that feel alone. The false gaiety that we all feel we must participate in is sometimes overwhelming. Have your Christmas Day in a quiet fashion with your friend. Keep it low keyed and do something very small to remember your Mom. You are going to get through this. You are one of many that are experiencing this. My husband lost his Mom on May 30th of this year. It was a difficult and long process. Cancer. She was diagnosed one month after our son died. So in truth, we are just now mourning his loss. I'm here for you on Christmas Day... if you want to vent. We will be alone. We live in the country and our son's dog was very ill. We are not able to leave her for long periods, as she requires insulin shots. We have had invites, but have chosen to observe the day quietly. So, email me if you want.

I am just now getting caught up on Vicar of Dibley Christmas specials from years past. Loved the brussel sprout eat off competition. It was really funny. Why not watch a comedy with your friend?

Hang in there.

Kate

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Oh John, can I ever relate to how you are feeling these days. You want to curl up in bed and have Mom bring you a comforting cup of tea right? I mentioned to my husband last evening how I wanted to do the same thing. I wished my Mom back to look after me as everything seemed like it was too hard to deal with. I wanted to take a break from the responsibilities of life as when I was a child. Oh, if only.

I'm sorry about your back. You sound very tense and full of unhappiness. That definitely is not going to help with the spasms. Are you sleeping and eating alright? When I become overwhelmed with life... I make a mental to do list for the day. I don't focus on tomorrow, but just accomplishing what is on that list. Everything else can wait for another day. I too have pushed people away and at a time I need them the most. NOT a good idea. Most people just don't get it. I can react with anger or irritation at that.... but the sad fact is that they have not experienced what I have and can not begin to understand. I need to cut them some slack. And like you...many days I just don't feel like it. You are feeling as if life has treated you unfairly. There is nothing fair about many things that happen in our lives. We are sent all kinds of trials... and it is up to us how we choose to handle them. Allowing yourself a grumpy day or day off because you are in a slump is ok. Just as long as you get back on that horse tomorrow. Your Mom would want you to keep plugging along.

This is an awful time of the year for those recently grieving and people that feel alone. The false gaiety that we all feel we must participate in is sometimes overwhelming. Have your Christmas Day in a quiet fashion with your friend. Keep it low keyed and do something very small to remember your Mom. You are going to get through this. You are one of many that are experiencing this. My husband lost his Mom on May 30th of this year. It was a difficult and long process. Cancer. She was diagnosed one month after our son died. So in truth, we are just now mourning his loss. I'm here for you on Christmas Day... if you want to vent. We will be alone. We live in the country and our son's dog was very ill. We are not able to leave her for long periods, as she requires insulin shots. We have had invites, but have chosen to observe the day quietly. So, email me if you want.

I am just now getting caught up on Vicar of Dibley Christmas specials from years past. Loved the brussel sprout eat off competition. It was really funny. Why not watch a comedy with your friend?

John: I go through the same thing, my mother was a very positive figure in my life and oh how i miss her, sometimes i just don't want to deal with outsiders in america. I wish i was in europe but i am afraid if i am in scotland i will start looking for my mother in the crowd, crazy lol your stages of grief are normal and will go up and down as mine do. Count yourself lucky your not in my shoes sharing a rental with someone who doesn't understand me, she tries but i want to move out and mom would have said, "stay here dear," oh lord, Its tough, keep anxiety down with exercise, my back goes out too from being tense or stress. Try to think positive thoughts as much as possible. I started taking a sleep aid which i dont want to rely on too much. Christmas does seem like an annoyance right now. People in NJ can be very cold i guess that is true of anywhere. At least we can come here. Sometimes i feel scared and all so unreal. I have been putting resumes out in Princeton NJ, see what transpires and i have my masters degree to work on again in mid january... I will pray we all get through this and have better days to come. You are in my thoughts and prayers, for strength, stability and better days to come. Debbie

Hang in there.

Kate

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Debbie...not sure what happened, but you posted along with my post! Oh well! ;)

How are you gettting along these days? Will you be having Christmas with anyone this year? I hope you decided to go back to church and join the choir... as you had mentioned in an earlier message. The first year that you lose someone is a year of firsts. All occasions seem odd without the person that has died. It can unleash a flood of emotions. I found myself up and down like a yo-yo when it came to day to day feelings. Anyway, hang in there. It will most certainly get better with time. The year my father passed away I was twenty years old. He died suddenly of a heart attack while driving home from the office. It was winter and he drove into a snow bank. Thank heaven, he did not kill anyone. The next thing we knew the police were standing at our door. We heard the ambulance siren, etc. But we did not associate it with Dad. What a shock! No chance to say goodbye, etc. That entire year I woke up every night and stood at the window while all was quiet in the house. I just stared out at the darkness trying to make sense of why. Why him? Why now? Why everything. It took a long time to gradually let him go gently. I carried his spirit with me in my heart, but I felt at peace as I knew he was also at peace. Be kind to yourself. It takes time. Eventually the hurt and anger will just slowly slip away. But your Mom's beautiful memory will remain. And that applies to you as well, John. Time is a great healer although it may not seem like it at this point in time.

Anyway, off to watch X Factor finale. Pulling for Josh. :D

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Just stopping by to wish you a very nice day tomorrow. John, I will be thinking of you. Enjoy that dinner! Debbie...I wish you a peaceful release from your hurt and pain. Happy Christmas.

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Well, another holiday over! Hope you had a decent day yesterday. We spent a quiet, but lovely day. Unable to leave our dog for any long periods and so we had to decline a few invites for dinner. We did however have the opportunity to take a long hike along the trails through the woods to the memorial site. As we got closer we could hear the massive shifting of ice coming from the lake. The weather is unbelievably warm for us. I just love it, but must admit it is alarming at how it has changed from years past. And quickly too! Just a dusting of snow. The ability to walk through the trails that should be at least two to three feet of snow by now has made it possible. The animals are confused and starting to come out of hibernation. The ice was magnificent. Large sections of open water. The movement of water beneath the ice was almost deafening. It was pushing massive ice chunks up over one another and forming huge mounds. We stood and watched the display as if we could barely believe what we were seeing. It is normally -20-to -30C at this time of year. Today the high is plus 4C. As Jeff would have said, "SWEET!"

We returned home to enjoy a delicious turkey dinner with all the trimmings. I certainly worked up an appetite after all the walking. Did you enjoy your visit with your friend? Hope the day went as well as can be expected under the circumstances. Take care. Wishing you a much better New Year! Good luck on the job front.:)

Kate

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Well, another holiday over! Hope you had a decent day yesterday. We spent a quiet, but lovely day. Unable to leave our dog for any long periods and so we had to decline a few invites for dinner. We did however have the opportunity to take a long hike along the trails through the woods to the memorial site. As we got closer we could hear the massive shifting of ice coming from the lake. The weather is unbelievably warm for us. I just love it, but must admit it is alarming at how it has changed from years past. And quickly too! Just a dusting of snow. The ability to walk through the trails that should be at least two to three feet of snow by now has made it possible. The animals are confused and starting to come out of hibernation. The ice was magnificent. Large sections of open water. The movement of water beneath the ice was almost deafening. It was pushing masive ice chunks up over one another and forming huge mounds. We stood and watched the display as if we could barely believe what we were seeing. It is normally -20-to -30C at this time of year. Today the high is plus 4C. As Jeff would have said, "SWEET!"

We returned home to enjoy a delicious turkey dinner with all the trimmings. I certainly worked up an appetite after all the walking. Did you enjoy your visit with your friend? Hope the day went as well as can be expected under the circumstances. Take care. Wishing you a much better New Year! Good luck on the job front.:)

Kate

Hi Kate, John: Well another holiday is over is right. lol Just have to get through the New Year now. I have been keeping busy and looking for work as well. Just sent out another 2 resumes. My classes resume on Jan 17, ugh not in th mood for all that work, but will see how it goes. There are a few individuals on this site that feel the same way ii do and are having great difficulty. I guess it takes time. Things change and we have to learn to live again without that person which i find very true. Wishing Kate and John Happy Holidays, Debbie

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Debbie, glad to see that things are moving forward for you. Good luck, with your studies. Yes, it does take hard work and time to adjust to the loss of somebody very close. Here's wishing you a very positive and Happy New Year!

We woke up this morning to temps having fallen to the -22C range! Yesterday it went up to plus 4C. What a drop! And tomorrow it is back up again to above zero. Hard to believe. I have been thinking again. Not a good idea for the most part. We live in a world that is full of turmoil and hatred. People at war in many countries...and everyone vowing to get even with one another. Yet, here is this beautiful planet in such peril. Weather patterns changing at an alarming rate. The world is going to cease to exisit if it continues on this wave length and if there is to be a planet for future generations. But that is just me talking in a simplistic way. My New Year's resolution is to make people aware of the dramatic changes going on in the area in which I live. It is happening far too rapidly and it is very alarming.

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Debbie, glad to see that things are moving forward for you. Good luck, with your studies. Yes, it does take hard work and time to adjust to the loss of somebody very close. Here's wishing you a very positive and Happy New Year!

We woke up this morning to temps having fallen to the -22C range! Yesterday it went up to plus 4C. What a drop! And tomorrow it is back up again to above zero. Hard to believe. I have been thinking again. Not a good idea for the most part. We live in a world that is full of turmoil and hatred. People at war in many countries...and everyone vowing to get even with one another. Yet, here is this beautiful planet in such peril. Weather patterns changing at an alarming rate. The world is going to cease to exisit if it continues on this wave length and if there is to be a planet for future generations. But that is just me talking in a simplistic way. My New Year's resolution is to make people aware of the dramatic changes going on in the area in which I live. It is happening far too rapidly and it is very alarming.

Hey Kate..

Not been on here for a bit, but I was glad to see that you had a nice, quiet Christmas...and happy 2012 to you! My Christmas and New Year were ok actually. I spent Christmas with my friend in the Surrey countryside, at the little coach-house she lives in, in the grounds of a much larger house. It was lovely and we had a few adventures out and about too. New Year I spent with friends old and new. I'm glad it's over though and I wasn't unhappy to wave goodbye to 2011 either i can tell you. Been a bit down the last couple of days though, its like I have been gearing myself up for the festive season and now its over, i'm depressed! Been sleeping a lot and feeling pretty low actually. There is much to do in the next month or so, so I can't lie down to this, but I just thought i'd mention it, in case you'd had a similer experience. Anyways....we ahve been the same here weather wise, very mild, so much so that my friends rose bush is begining to bloom. I have to say that freaked me out a bit! The weather is all over the place. I hope you had a pleasent new year and are looking forward to 2012.

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Hey Kate..

Not been on here for a bit, but I was glad to see that you had a nice, quiet Christmas...and happy 2012 to you! My Christmas and New Year were ok actually. I spent Christmas with my friend in the Surrey countryside, at the little coach-house she lives in, in the grounds of a much larger house. It was lovely and we had a few adventures out and about too. New Year I spent with friends old and new. I'm glad it's over though and I wasn't unhappy to wave goodbye to 2011 either i can tell you. Been a bit down the last couple of days though, its like I have been gearing myself up for the festive season and now its over, i'm depressed! Been sleeping a lot and feeling pretty low actually. There is much to do in the next month or so, so I can't lie down to this, but I just thought i'd mention it, in case you'd had a similer experience. Anyways....we ahve been the same here weather wise, very mild, so much so that my friends rose bush is begining to bloom. I have to say that freaked me out a bit! The weather is all over the place. I hope you had a pleasent new year and are looking forward to 2012.

Hi John,

I am very glad indeed to see that you had a decent holiday. It sounds as if a break from the city and a trip to the countryside was just what was required. My goodness, I am in envy of roses blooming in December! It is nice here, but definitely nothing like that. My son called from Calgary yesterday and mentioned that it is supposedly going to reach the mid to high teens this week. It certainly has put a crimp into people's plans that enjoy outdoor activities involving snow. We could reach 10C here this week. Great for hiking but not very good for skiing or snowmobilling. I'll take it! :)

Yes, I did have a lovely but quiet few days. Thanks for asking. I have to say I am really glad that it is over for this year. Like you I am feeling somewhat down and I am putting it to the winter blah's etc. that settle in after the holidays. Well, I gather things are looking somewhat brighter in the career department. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best of luck. Happy New Year to you too!

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Hey John,

Thinking of you and wondering how things are these days. You mentioned you were feeling somewhat in the dumps since the holiday season is over. How are things going now? I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the situation is looking up on the job front.

We are having amazing weather. It has been extremely warm for us this past few weeks. That is until last night when it dropped to -22. And oh boy, is it ever cold today. I am definitely suffering from a lack of decent new British programs for nightime watching on these cold winter nights. So many old re-runs. They keep showing the same stuff over and over again. Particularly enjoying Downton Abbey, Law & Order UK, Doc Martin (love Martin Clunes) new series, Sherlock (contemporary version) Beyond excellent!!!! Well,basically any British Masterpiece we can get our hands on. I have always maintained that the Brits excel at acting. And they look so real and normal in the parts they play. So many North Americans go under the knife and are driven in their need to look perfect. Oh well, I am going off again on a tangent.

Take care. Hope you are staying healthy and good luck with you career search.

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