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Hi I'm Penny, and I'm lost with out hom💔


PebnyG

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12/01/1221

Was the first day of my 2 week  vacation.  We were supposed to spend the day Christmas shopping for his boys.. He woke me up to tell me that he was going to get milk, and fly his drone for a bit. I told him wake me up when you get back and we will go Christmas shopping.   My blatter awoke me a couple of hours later, rhe door to the R.V. was open, so I figured he was outside smoking,  but he wasn't.  I closed the door and went into the bathroom to find his collapsed in a pool of vomit..I tried to get him back,I called 911, but it was too late 💔💔

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23 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

PebnyG,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  It is life shattering to lose your soulmate. 

When my husband died, I really felt that part of me was missing. I was so broken. It was difficult to breathe, think, or do much of anything.

People who have never lost their soulmate don't understand how 6 months or 6 years later we can still be grieving. Sadly the people here on this forum understand. Our lives have been shattered too.

Come here to share your pain, guilt, fear, anger, loneliness, happy memories, whatever.  You are not alone. It helps to hear from others that they feel as you do.  You're not really losing your mind, it's grief. 

I wish you didn't have reason to join us here on this miserable grief journey that none of us chose to take, but welcome.  We are here for you. 

Gail

Thank you 

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I am so sorry for the recent loss of your husband.  There is nothing can prepare you for such an abrupt shocking loss!  Even knowing ahead of time does little to prepare us.  It's hard for us to wrap our heads around it and can take years to even begin to process our grief.  

I'm glad you found this site, it helps to read/post as it helps us realize we're not alone (or crazy) in what we feel and go through.  I hope you'll continue to come here.

My husband had just had his 51st birthday (June 14, 2005) when he died five days later, Father's Day.  I was 52.  I thought we had at LEAST 20 years left before facing something major!  Little did I know I was going to grow old alone.  Now I'm nearly 70 and doing just that.  I miss his arms, I miss talking with him, I miss going through life with him, everything about him.  I miss having someone that cared, someone to do things for.  I had my sister, I took care of her, she was disabled and had dementia, but we'd always been there in each other's lives...then she too suddenly died 2 1/2 months ago.  Covid destroyed everything I'd worked for, the social life I'd built, it created a whole new meaning to alone.  Back to square one...

I hope you have support around you!  :wub:
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

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I miss him every day. I have wonderful support but they don't understand the depth of my loss. He was the only one who not just cared about me but unstood me, and challenged me to be a better me.  The only person who said  ..you need to stop trying to save the world.  You need to worry about yourself  even if that choice  doesn't include me.❤

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I went back and read some of my early letters to George less than three months after he died.  It amazed me the things I said and felt...I'm glad I wrote them.  I hope he can hear me, read them...feel my heart...

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I have some of the last messages he sent me saved. I have several recordings of his voice, and him playing his guitar. I play them when I'm having a rough day  

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If there's a way to back them up, do it...I didn't and his phone messages disappeared.  So did his scent, it helps to put something he wore or used (pillowcase) in a ziploc bag to preserve the scent.

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His birthday is in 5 days... it seems weird not to plan something.  My heart hurts so much, I thought it might get easier as time passes, but it doesn’t look like it will, my mom has been gone 29 years, but I never grieved her like this, maybe because it's a different kind of love that I lost...

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5 hours ago, PebnyG said:

His birthday is in 5 days... it seems weird not to plan something.  My heart hurts so much, I thought it might get easier as time passes, but it doesn’t look like it will, my mom has been gone 29 years, but I never grieved her like this, maybe because it's a different kind of love that I lost...

It's definitely a different loss that we're grieving...the absence of our person who was in continual direct contact morning to night...the one person who we counted on and depended upon to be with us always. If there's something that you might have done for his birthday, you could still do that...something that you'd feel comfortable with doing. My partner passed away two weeks before his birthday. I liked baking cookies for his day so through my tears, I baked cookies. It was a comfort seeing the familiar sight of the cookies sitting on my kitchen counter. 

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Today would have been his 52nd birthday.  I would have probably bbqed steak on the grill,  because it's too hot to make chicken fried steak inside.  I'd buy him his favorite Treat.. and he would smile that amazing enchanting smile that drew everyone in...I know he's in heaven playing his guitar and watching over the people he loved. ❤💜

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Spending the day messing his friends on Facebook who weren't aware of his loss... 💔💔. Knowing that he had a meaning in their lives  . Keeps  his spirit alive. ❤💜

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Thanks for sharing Penny. Your posts have been very helpful for me. It's been 5 months since I lost my wife and I was hoping it was going to get easier, but it has only gotten harder. As a man who rarely cried in the past, I'm shocked at how much I cry now. I cry everyday, several times a day. I don't really mind crying, since I don't do it in front of other people, I just worry that I'm not healing, but as some people have said, it can take years. I guess 5 months is really nothing and it does feel like I lost her just yesterday.

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I have good days  and days where his loss tries to consume me. I'm blessed to have my children,  grandchildren nearby,  who are helping me thru this. Nothing makes your heart smile like your two year old granddaughter walking up, giving you a hug and saying I love you grammy.🥰💜

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14 hours ago, PebnyG said:

I know he's in heaven playing his guitar and watching over the people he loved. ❤💜

I look forward to meeting him someday.  I don't know that they're some specific age in heaven, probably whatever their "perfect age" is, I have no idea, I'm sure people aren't babies forever or 90s forever, but don't know how that works, but I think George is forever young!  Maybe they've met in heaven already...George didn't have a musical talent but he sure loved it!  Maybe that's something he's acquired...

 

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8 hours ago, Ian Curtis said:

Thanks for sharing Penny. Your posts have been very helpful for me. It's been 5 months since I lost my wife and I was hoping it was going to get easier, but it has only gotten harder. As a man who rarely cried in the past, I'm shocked at how much I cry now. I cry everyday, several times a day. I don't really mind crying, since I don't do it in front of other people, I just worry that I'm not healing, but as some people have said, it can take years. I guess 5 months is really nothing and it does feel like I lost her just yesterday.

Welcome here.  I am so sorry you lost your wife, that another person is going through this...the hardest thing I've ever been through...

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post.  It helps, it really does, just knowing others "get it" and understand, that you're not crazy, that this is "normal" in grief...that word we've come to regard differently now that nothing SEEMS "normal" anymore.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

5 hours ago, PebnyG said:

I have good days  and days where his loss tries to consume me. I'm blessed to have my children,  grandchildren nearby,  who are helping me thru this. Nothing makes your heart smile like your two year old granddaughter walking up, giving you a hug and saying I love you grammy.🥰💜

I'm glad you have her.  I rarely see mine but I love them!  I'm glad my DIL shares pictures/videos on FB...

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It's great to have that incentive to go on...my puppy helps me with that tremendously.  I do miss my kids and grandkids though.

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It's quite days like today.  We've got a power outage (5 hours) due to repair work from a storm. The grandbaby is sleeping, so I end up scrolling thru Facebook,  which leads me to his profile,  and the many posts from all his friends.  I'm not crying (yet 💔🤣). I've  accepted that he's gone, I believe he's watching over those he loved. Their us just such an emptiness within my soul.  I don't think that I'll ever feel whole again.  Thanks for listening,  this sight has truly been a blessing. 💜💚

 

 

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I'm glad to hear it.  Six months can be a hard time, I'm glad for you it is not.  It sounds like you are the best version of yourself you can be, for having known him.  :wub:

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Yeah, I am. That was one of the things I loved most about him.💜

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Missing him today... not because it's the 4th, we never really celebrated,  he felt that it should be a quite remberance of those who we have lost for our freedom...

I just miss him..his smile..his touch.. his voice . . .his smell... what I wouldn't give just to be able to lay my head on his chest and have his arm around me once more  💔💔

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This was his last recording...ironically it was called  "Drowning "

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12 hours ago, PebnyG said:

what I wouldn't give just to be able to lay my head on his chest and have his arm around me once more  💔

Totally...:wub:

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foreverhis
22 hours ago, PebnyG said:

I just miss him..his smile..his touch.. his voice . . .his smell... what I wouldn't give just to be able to lay my head on his chest and have his arm around me once more  💔💔

100% the same.  I rummaged through closets again, as I slowly let his things go while keeping a few.  His very last polo shirt was there.  I put it next to my face and breathed in deep, but his wonderful clean, natural, masculine scent is gone.  I put the shirt in the give away bag.

This week is really hard so far.  It will be 4 years on Saturday and I really didn't expect it to hit me this much.

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Their are days that I do just fine, he doesn't even cross my mind.. bur their are days like today that even action, every smell,  everything reminds me of him.  .. when I have good days,  that I don't think of him .. I sometimes feel guilty... who else is keeping his memories alive??💔💔❤❤

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Annie, I'm sorry, I know it's hard...that's how I am in June (his bdy & death day), I wish I knew an easier way to get through this.

And with my day from hell (posted in the stress thread) I couldn't help but think how differently it all would have gone had George been here.  We NEED our partners here with us!

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foreverhis
6 hours ago, KayC said:

Annie, I'm sorry, I know it's hard...that's how I am in June (his bdy & death day), I wish I knew an easier way to get through this.

My friends are letting me have Raleigh all afternoon and early evening on Saturday.  We did that last year and the year before as well.  And my friend and I will probably take a morning walk through a specific nature preserve where they have a memorial bench for their daughter.  We sit and talk or just sit in comfortable silence looking out at the water, knowing that our loves are out there somewhere healthy and strong and waiting for us.

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I am so glad you get to dog share!  They can be so healing and helpful to us, my neighbors shared their Chow Joe with me...for ten months I walked him but he caused me great nerve damage in my hands by biting and yanking one me.  It's sad because I'd developed a relationship with him and I know he loved me, he looked sad whenever I went by their place and didn't come get him.  I wish they'd let me know before they put him to sleep, I would have liked to have said my goodbyes and tell him how much I love him...I hope and pray he knows that, in spite of the fact I could no longer physically walk him.  I believe it was pain that prompted his bite as his parents never took him to the vet for his bad ear infections, which can also get to the brain.  I got him started on CBD oil (with his parents' permission) but no substitute for vet care!  I love and miss him still.

I believe in dogs ability to comfort us so much so it's one of my "tips" in grieving.  My Kodie is such an amazing companion and I think Raleigh is that to you also!
You are in our thoughts and prayers as you go through this, I'm so glad you have Raleigh availed to you!

Joe here:

Joe2.jpg

Joe3.jpg

Joe1.jpg

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On 7/7/2022 at 9:46 AM, KayC said:

I am so glad you get to dog share!  They can be so healing and helpful to us, my neighbors shared their Chow Joe with me...for ten months I walked him but he caused me great nerve damage in my hands by biting and yanking one me.  It's sad because I'd developed a relationship with him and I know he loved me, he looked sad whenever I went by their place and didn't come get him.  I wish they'd let me know before they put him to sleep, I would have liked to have said my goodbyes and tell him how much I love him...I hope and pray he knows that, in spite of the fact I could no longer physically walk him.  I believe it was pain that prompted his bite as his parents never took him to the vet for his bad ear infections, which can also get to the brain.  I got him started on CBD oil (with his parents' permission) but no substitute for vet care!  I love and miss him still.

I believe in dogs ability to comfort us so much so it's one of my "tips" in grieving.  My Kodie is such an amazing companion and I think Raleigh is that to you also!
You are in our thoughts and prayers as you go through this, I'm so glad you have Raleigh availed to you!

Joe here:

Joe2.jpg

Joe3.jpg

Joe1.jpg

What a beautiful animal.   Having a pet companion definitely helps.  I don't have a pet, but I'm blessed to help care for this little  blessing  everyday.❤💜

20220708_132051.jpg.84447a032e87270023fd68370119a25f.jpg

 

 

Just now, PebnyG said:

 

 

What a beautiful animal.   Having a pet companion definitely helps.  I don't have a pet, but I'm blessed to help care for this little  blessing  everyday.❤💜

20220708_132051.jpg.84447a032e87270023fd68370119a25f.jpg

 

 

💜 my grandson💜

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I'm glad you have someone to care for too!  
I miss Joe, I look forward to seeing him and all of the rest of the animals I love in heaven, along with all the people I miss!

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PI was informed of the death of a old co- worker/friend  today.  She was such an amazing spirit.  I will  miss her. Her loss kinda ripped the baind-aid off the lord of my partner.. tonight I'm grieving for both of them. . I know that they are both in heaven..looking down. 💛💚

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Dose it ever get easier?. . It's been almost  8 months  and I still miss him every day... God please help me...

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Easier is a relative term.  It does get to where we can better cope in time, it took me a long time though, but it's not something we can compare to others.  So many factors weigh in, support, how shocked you were, our own resilience, just everything plays in, I'd even venture to say probably even our family placement weighs in!  But it does eventually settle in to something a bit more manageable, even if no one can predict or say exactly how long.

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