I feel I am to blame for my mother´s death

[KarinBe]

Hi everyone, It´s been 9 years since my mom passed away, and I have had very difficult times with a lot of guilt over the way she died. It was my fault. I don´t know how I will ever be able to forgive myself. Here is my story:

My mother had been paralysed from a stroke and was living in a nursing home for 15 years. They called me one day to tell me that her pneumonia has gotten worse and the antibiotics didn´t help and this was it, there was nothing more they could do.

Having had a sick mother for 25 years( her first stroke happened when I was 16) I could not accept that suddenly she was going to die.

I know it sounds strange, but we had been through so many crises with her illness, that we just felt numb and chocked.. anyway, I went there, I live some 6 hours away by car, and I then stayed with her for 4 days. She was now bedbound but looked like she used to, only I noticed that her breathing sounded strange from time to time. The last day we had talked to the staff and begged them to try and give her liquids again because we felt they were giving up on her too easy. I know this sounds so absurd, I do not know how we could insist on this, but we were in such denial. They agreed to try, I wish they wouldn´t have done that.

My brother got hopeful and went home to his place during that day. When it was around 4 pm she started to breath quite fast, this continued and in the evening it has gotten a little worse. Though my mother was totally awake and alert. In the evening my aunt started to sit with her and i went to bed and around 11 pm we changed so I sat down beside my mother´s bed. Now her breathing was labored and very fast, like someone who had just finished a sprint race. She looked at me seriously. It was so hard to endure this breathing that I rang the nurse and asked for something to help my mom. (she had just gotten some morphine two days ago, so she wasn´t that used to it)

The nurse came back with an injection containing 7.5 mg morphine and some sedatives (in Sweden it´s named Stesolide). Maybe it calmed her breathing a tiny bit but she was still breathing so fast and deep with nasal flaring and chest indrawings. I panicked after half an hour and rang the nurse again and told her there was no change, maybe she needed some more? 

This is what caused my burden of gulit I now live with. The nurse said she could have some more, and went to prepare it. When she came back and my Mom understood what was going on, she tried to warn me, she looked staright into my eyes very seriously, like she said NO! and tried to draw her belly backwards when the nurse put the injection needle. I saw all of this but I couldn´t stop it for some reason! My mom had looked like that many times during her illness, and I have been persistent in many cases and in the end that made things easier for her and in some cases even prolonged her life. So I thought this time it was the same. Since the nurse agreed to more morphine to calm down the breathing, then she must have known best. Now I understand that that last injection killed my mother, she died 45 minutes later when I had gone to bed(!) and left her with a lady who worked there.

It was I who did this to her- her beloved daugher. My grief and gulit is beyond words, I feel I killed my mother and took away her last days and the long farewell from us, her kids. 

Please, if someone is reading this and you have some guidance or advice to give, I would be very grateful.

I killed my mother when she probably had some more days to live and my life has been a mess ever since. I have seen a lot of therapists and priests, but it always comes back and I don´t know how I can cope anymore.

Thanks for letting me share.

Hugs

Karin

[nickwei]

Karin, 

I feel for your pain and guilt about how things ended with your mother. From what you have said, you did not cause your mother's death. Pneumonia did. Having cared for a spouse who was disabled I can tell you that Pneumonia is a very common cause of death for those who are already compromised. The way I read it is that you recognized her distress and you contacted the nurse (a medical professional) who took action to deal with her distress. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT OR YOUR DOING!!! again NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT OR YOUR DOING!!! 

[KarinBe]

Thank you so much, nickwei, for answering my post.

I now understood she was terminal, however I made her pass when she was totally awake and would possible had a few more days to live.

The first injection didn´t cause her to stop breathing, but the second injection did, she got it only 30 minutes after the first one.. I panicked, and wanted so desperately this terrible breathing to stop, I wanted to help her, I didn´t respond to her signaling that she couldn´t take any more. I can not understand how I could act this way:(

I am sorry for the loss of your wife.