MAD AS HELL!!!

[Goforth860]

I have been doing my best to stay positive. I have had several blessings in the last week. I'm thankful and I was happy for a bit. I'm extremely aggravated.  I'm actually mad as hell. I just want him back. We were antisocial only social with each other.  Since he's passed I have had to put myself out there and I have been let down by a cpl different ppl I've opened up to and let in my lil bubble. Now I just want to be left alone. Most ppl are out for themselves.  I am a giver. It makes me happy to make others happy.  I took care of John.  He took care of me and now he's gone. Others are just... I WANT HIM BACK!!! He was my everything and I don't want anyone else. One of my greatest fears is to lay here dead for days or to start stinking before someone says hey I haven't seen Diane in a while. But honestly I'd rather be left alone than to have fake ppl who are only out for their own benefit. I've got a psychiatrist appt tomorrow and I'm going to ask for my meds to be adjusted.  I'm irate irrational and just mad at the world. I want to punch someone.  Anyone.  I just want someone to hurt like I hurt. But that really does not feel possible. It hurts so much. I  feel alone. My emotional and physical pain is so great. It's a constant. I did have a sigh of relief during the week where I was able to say I was happy for the first time since he passed. Now I just want to... I don't know. I just want him back. I know that will never happen.  I know this and I guess that's why I'm so mad. He'll never be here with me again. At least not physically anyway. 

[Goforth860]

I have been doing my best to stay positive. I have had several blessings in the last week. I'm thankful and I was happy for a bit. It was my bday Saturday. I turned 44. It was my first bday without him in 14 years. I cried most of the morning.  He would've been the first to tell me happy birthday but he wasn't here. I'm extremely aggravated.  I'm actually mad as hell. I just want him back. We were antisocial only social with each other.  Since he's passed I have had to put myself out there and I have been let down by a cpl different ppl I've opened up to and let in my lil bubble. Now I just want to be left alone. Most ppl are out for themselves.  I am a giver. It makes me happy to make others happy.  I took care of John.  He took care of me and now he's gone. Others are just... I WANT HIM BACK!!! He was my everything and I don't want anyone else. One of my greatest fears is to lay here dead for days or to start stinking before someone says hey I haven't seen Diane in a while. But honestly I'd rather be left alone than to have fake ppl who are only out for their own benefit. I've got a psychiatrist appt tomorrow and I'm going to ask for my meds to be adjusted.  I'm irate irrational and just mad at the world. I want to punch someone.  Anyone.  I just want someone to hurt like I hurt. But that really does not feel possible. It hurts so much. I  feel alone. My emotional and physical pain is so great. It's a constant. I did have a sigh of relief during the week where I was able to say I was happy for the first time since he passed. Now I just want to... I don't know. I just want him back. I know that will never happen.  I know this and I guess that's why I'm so mad. He'll never be here with me again. At least not physically anyway. Oh yeah. 

[Brazil Man]

7 hours ago, Goforth860 said:

I just want someone to hurt like I hurt.

I am hurt like you are. I want she back too but I know it will never happen, at least in this life. I have to endure the rest of my life without her.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Goforth860 said:

I'm actually mad as hell. I just want him back.

This is normal in early grief, I think we all felt this way!  I just finally concluded it didn't matter, I got what I was handed no matter how I felt about it.  I remember being angry that I had to "do" anything, I didn't ask for this!  (as in work on my grief)
Anger One of the Stages of Grief?
Anger at God
Anger & Jealousy in Grief
Apologizing for Expressing the Anger of Grief

You're not alone in your feelings.

 

[KayC]

I don't know if you have kids or anyone that could check on you every day, I've asked my son to make sure I've made a post on FB every night and to contact a neighbor if I haven't as I'm turning 70 and you never know...I have a sweet puppy I don't want left alone to starve to death.  We can't be an island.

[DMB]

Wishing  you a good appt, and hopefully a med adjustment might help.. Especially in the beginning.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I remember wanting to set things (well, everything!)  on fire out of anger.  Hope it gets just a little better for you.  We all know how hard it is.

[PLin]

I was away at a hockey tournament all weekend with my youngest son and his family. My son was making the 'I've fallen and can't get up joke' and I said that he and his brothers should text me every day because I could really fall and no one would know!! 

The thing with our kids though is that they don't really see us as old. 

 

 

[Canadagirl81]

Happy belated birthday. I can understand the anger feeling whole-heartedly. This is so unfair and unreal. Maybe get a punching bag or something you can let your aggression out on. These emotions change so quickly sometimes. One moment I'm quiet, internal and so sad, the next I'm screaming at the universe, fists clenched infuriated that Glenn left me here alone. Sending you love....I'm so sorry. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, PLin said:

The thing with our kids though is that they don't really see us as old. 

True, they see us as invincible.  Except all of a sudden my son has made remarks to me about how long I'm going to keep living here...I must have wrinkled more!

[Jemiga70]

On 6/6/2022 at 1:56 PM, PLin said:

The thing with our kids though is that they don't really see us as old. 

I'm with my parents for the time being.  I see how they've aged (nearing 80, both of them) and it concerns me. I keep thinking maybe there's a higher purpose for why my life took such an unexpected terrible turn last May when my beautiful wife crossed over.  MiL has also aged and it also concerns me.  I want to be there for all of them as much as I can, but somedays, damn it, it's all I can do to just look after me.  I help where I can, do what I can. That's all I can do right now.

[KayC]

When we lose our partner, our spouse, #1 has to be to ourselves, then others, honestly it takes all we can do to just survive this, at least it did with me.  Yes it's hard to watch our loved ones age.  

[Brazil Man]

3 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I'm with my parents for the time being.  I see how they've aged (nearing 80, both of them) and it concerns me

I also live with my parents, they are old too.  I lived about 3 years alone after her death. I know it´s not forever  and someday they will be gone too.