4yrs later, I finally start grieving.

[arohnr]

I lost my grandmother 1/29/08.

She wasn't just a grandmother to me though. She helped to raise me, and I saw her as more of a mother to me than my biological mother ever could be. Her and my biological mother raised me. We all lived together for most of my childhood. My grandma supported us because my mother was too mentally...screwed...to take care of me and give me a decent childhood. If my G'ma hadn't stuck around to help raise me I probably wouldn't have made it out of adolescence alive. Of course as I grew older, we grew apart. In the months preceeding her death I didn't visit or talk to her very much. I deeply regret that now. As I get older I wish I could just call her and talk about anything, everything. She always did have so much to talk about, but I couldn't relate when I was younger. Now I could, but she's gone.

I will never forget, on the morning of her death. She called me that morning to make sure I was up for work. She sounded oddly angry or irritable. I was running late so I snapped back at her and hung up without saying I love you. After work, my mother and me went to G'ma's apartment to check on her cuz she hadn't been answering the phone all day. I walked in first and from the door, saw her laying dead in the bathroom. I can't get that image out of my head. That horrific image.

I went numb from that point on. I kept it together on the outside. I instantly realized how much I had loved her, how much I had neglected my relationship with her. When I lost her, I basically lost a mother. She practically raised me. My mother and I never did have a good relationship. She's abusive, has mental issues including some type of schizophrenia, etc. I have chosen to have no contact with my biological mother, because it would cause many issues. I'm already mentally preparing myself for when she dies, but I'm getting myself carried away here. This post is about my G'ma.

I will never forget what happened after she died. It had only been a few days since her death. I was sleeping, and suddenly I found myself outside of my body. I was conscious and aware that I was no longer in my body on earth. I was in a black abyss. I felt the presence of energies....beings...something...which cannot be described. A "being" spoke to me telepathically, and said that my g'ma was on the phone. I replied, "but she's dead". He gave me the phone, and I heard my G'ma's voice say, "I miss you so much". That is absolutely something my grandma would say. I do believe that it was somethign whcih actually happened, and not a dream. But anyway the shock of hearing her voice caused me to "wake up" and ended the out of body experience. It's because of this experience that I know her soul is living on in some other life.

In the past several months, she has visited me. I've felt her next to me, her energy ...I knew it was her....she visited me when I was stressing out at work one time and told me what to do to make it better. Then another time, she sat next to me while I was driving.

It's been almost 4 yrs, and I can't believe I'm just now starting to "feel" the loss. When she died, I didn't really react. Yeah, I was sad. Yeah, I cried. Then it's like all of a sudden, my emotions awakened and came back like the plague. For several months I've started having flashbacks to finding her dead. I've been afraid to sleep. I have recurring dreams with a constant theme....in the dreams...she's dead...comes back to life...and dies again. I avoid sleep like the plague anymore. I've never liked sleeping but now I'm overly afraid of dying suddenly like she did from heart failure. I have some heart problems so this is a logical fear..or maybe it's not..idk. I have panic attacks quite frequently and have dealt with depression for 8 yrs now. I have ADHD as well. I haven't been able to get emotionally close to another human since she died. She was the only person I ever truly loved.

I'm not sure if anything I've said makes alot of sense. I hope it made sense to someone. I loved her so much. One thing I found in a note she had written to me when I was 8 said..."you raptured my heart and that has never changed"

I don't know how to grieve. What's right and complete nonsense. I don't know anything anymore. And I'm so afraid of dying myself. I don't even know.

[YellowSunshine]

You seem lonely, Aronhr. One of the things I'm learning about while grieving is that we have to create a new support system for ourselves when we lose the person we depended on most. Right now I'm trying to figure out who that person/people will be for me. Maybe that's something you can consider. If there isn't anyone who seems like a natural person for you, maybe the site can provide you with some solace while you build face-to-face relationships. (At least, that's what I'm doing here!)

As for "what's right and complete nonsense," grieving is so personal. I think as long as you're not pickling yourself with alcohol or numbing yourself with pills or other drugs, whatever you're doing is good. It might help you to add something to your day to help you work through your emotions. One thing I'm considering is writing a letter to my mom and putting it in a special box just intended for that purpose. You might like painting, writing songs, or growing a garden in your grandma's honor. Sometimes eating someone's favorite foods helps, too.

Hope this helps you make a little dent in your sadness.

xoxo

[ModKonnie]

I lost my grandmother 1/29/08.

She wasn't just a grandmother to me though. She helped to raise me, and I saw her as more of a mother to me than my biological mother ever could be. Her and my biological mother raised me. We all lived together for most of my childhood. My grandma supported us because my mother was too mentally...screwed...to take care of me and give me a decent childhood. If my G'ma hadn't stuck around to help raise me I probably wouldn't have made it out of adolescence alive. Of course as I grew older, we grew apart. In the months preceeding her death I didn't visit or talk to her very much. I deeply regret that now. As I get older I wish I could just call her and talk about anything, everything. She always did have so much to talk about, but I couldn't relate when I was younger. Now I could, but she's gone.

I will never forget, on the morning of her death. She called me that morning to make sure I was up for work. She sounded oddly angry or irritable. I was running late so I snapped back at her and hung up without saying I love you. After work, my mother and me went to G'ma's apartment to check on her cuz she hadn't been answering the phone all day. I walked in first and from the door, saw her laying dead in the bathroom. I can't get that image out of my head. That horrific image.

I went numb from that point on. I kept it together on the outside. I instantly realized how much I had loved her, how much I had neglected my relationship with her. When I lost her, I basically lost a mother. She practically raised me. My mother and I never did have a good relationship. She's abusive, has mental issues including some type of schizophrenia, etc. I have chosen to have no contact with my biological mother, because it would cause many issues. I'm already mentally preparing myself for when she dies, but I'm getting myself carried away here. This post is about my G'ma.

I will never forget what happened after she died. It had only been a few days since her death. I was sleeping, and suddenly I found myself outside of my body. I was conscious and aware that I was no longer in my body on earth. I was in a black abyss. I felt the presence of energies....beings...something...which cannot be described. A "being" spoke to me telepathically, and said that my g'ma was on the phone. I replied, "but she's dead". He gave me the phone, and I heard my G'ma's voice say, "I miss you so much". That is absolutely something my grandma would say. I do believe that it was somethign whcih actually happened, and not a dream. But anyway the shock of hearing her voice caused me to "wake up" and ended the out of body experience. It's because of this experience that I know her soul is living on in some other life.

In the past several months, she has visited me. I've felt her next to me, her energy ...I knew it was her....she visited me when I was stressing out at work one time and told me what to do to make it better. Then another time, she sat next to me while I was driving.

It's been almost 4 yrs, and I can't believe I'm just now starting to "feel" the loss. When she died, I didn't really react. Yeah, I was sad. Yeah, I cried. Then it's like all of a sudden, my emotions awakened and came back like the plague. For several months I've started having flashbacks to finding her dead. I've been afraid to sleep. I have recurring dreams with a constant theme....in the dreams...she's dead...comes back to life...and dies again. I avoid sleep like the plague anymore. I've never liked sleeping but now I'm overly afraid of dying suddenly like she did from heart failure. I have some heart problems so this is a logical fear..or maybe it's not..idk. I have panic attacks quite frequently and have dealt with depression for 8 yrs now. I have ADHD as well. I haven't been able to get emotionally close to another human since she died. She was the only person I ever truly loved.

I'm not sure if anything I've said makes alot of sense. I hope it made sense to someone. I loved her so much. One thing I found in a note she had written to me when I was 8 said..."you raptured my heart and that has never changed"

I don't know how to grieve. What's right and complete nonsense. I don't know anything anymore. And I'm so afraid of dying myself. I don't even know.

Arohnr,

I am very sorry about the loss of your grandmother. Have you considered going to a grief and loss self help meeting or a grief counselor to help you put a few things into perspective?

Many of the experiences and emotions you are describing sound perfectly normal for grieving. We all have a different way of dealing with our loss. Some people are in denial for a long time before finally becoming accepting. Others are caught in a cycle of anger/anguish anguish/anger. Being afraid to die right after a loved one dies is completely normal. Many people also experience odd nightmares and dreams. So, please don't feel as though you are the only one feeling this way.

Have you considered journaling your thoughts about all of this? Why are you afraid to get emotionally close to another person? ARe you afraid of getting hurt?

Why don't you try writing down some "I" statements over the next few days and see how you feel about them. Like "I feel tired and I don't have the energy to move" or "I am supercharged and can't get a single thing I try finished today" Then ask yourself if you know why you feel that way? Maybe it will help.

We will be here to support and encourage you as you work through your feelings, emotions, etc.

ModKonnie