Help!

[Liaura]

I married a widower who lost his wife to a genetic disease. She was 49. His daughter also has the disease. She was just diagnosed with brain tumor and an AVM this past week. She is 40. My husband has spiraled down. He feels hopeless, defeated and angry. I am getting the brunt of his anger, so I suggested that he gets therapy. Is anger a normal reaction? How do I protect myself from it, yet remain supportive? These past few days, I have given him a lot of space by not being around.

[reader]

Dear Liaura,

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's daughter diagnosis. It's a good idea to get support as a family.  There are so many raw emotions and triggers that are coming up for your husband. I'm sure he is very angry at the world right now first his wife and now his daughter. It feels horribly unfair. It's a good to find some supports through the community or church during this difficult time. I hope this articles are helpful.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/understanding-anticipatory-grief-and-symptoms-2248855

https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/

[Ronni_W]

On 6/5/2022 at 11:20 AM, Liaura said:

Is anger a normal reaction?

Yes, anger is a normal reaction BUT misdirecting it at our most dear loved ones and others in our support network is neither helpful nor constructive, so he needs to know that. Perhaps his daughter's physicians/specialists can offer resources, support groups, etc., to help him better cope? And they may also be able to offer you 'tips 'n things' on how to support everyone involved without enabling any crappy stuff.

Mostly, though, it might be an idea to ask him (and his daughter) directly what they want and need from you, and how they intend to nurture and support you, through all of what is to come. If you all can come to 'tackle it' from the same 'side', as it were; from the same viewpoint, then maybe it'll be a little bit easier as a family-group?

Sending Light and all good things for the highest outcomes for all of you.   Ronni

[Gardenia]

I lost my husband of 42 years in April, after a long illness, with me as his primary caretaker. Frankly, we were both angry at times, for lots of reasons. What we agreed to do early on was to walk away when we needed a break and to apologize when we knew we had hurt the other person's feelings. I wasn't perfect and neither was he and NO ONE ever talked to me about the connection between profound grief and the feeling of helplessness that leads to anger. Now that my husband is gone, i have entered the grief/anger cycle. I wish I could say I know how I will handle it, but this journey is too new. Please take care of yourself. You are on a difficult path together and no one understands that path unless they walk it.

[Ronni_W]

On 6/24/2022 at 2:15 PM, Gardenia said:

You are on a difficult path together and no one understands that path unless they walk it.

Gardenia,

We are indeed on a difficult path together. At the same time, I would also say that my path is mine alone...there are very many levels and aspects that no-one else will ever be able to understand, but only because they have not done every single one of my same steps that I took with my now-deceased husband; or rather, that he and I took together.

I've also had a very difficult time with how to deal with my thoughts and feelings of "I wish I woulda done/said this", and "I shoulda /coulda done or said that" - instead of what I actually did or said at the time. Self-understanding and self-forgiveness. I'm also still working on that, and, to that end, only recently (after almost 2 years), I decided to start writing 'letters for him', to just honestly and truly say to him, today, what I would like him to know about me and how I was and what I did and said, back then.   It has taken me almost 2 years to be able to even consider doing this.   (There is a different time-phase in our relationship that goes back almost 3 years, but this part -- where I'm trying to be just totally and purely honest with him, has only become possible very recently; maybe a month or so ago. It takes as long as it takes, is my point. For me, it was too raw and too traumatizing. I was basically comatose for the first 2 years of the 3. Well, crap...I guess actually I've been more-or-less comatose for almost 3 years now. I'm just starting to come out of it now. Just starting.)

My deepest sympathies on your loss. Sending you hugs, and strength and comfort, and everything that will or may help you.   Ronni