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Sharing my pain...


Kj92

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Starting last September, exactly 9 months from today I lost an aunt. As the team removed her from her home, my oldest aunt who lived with her begin to have some sort of an attack. She could barely hold her head up and her eyes rolled in the back of her head continuously. Scared & alarmed I yelled for the rest of the family to come and see her. 

While everyone came over I kneeled down in from of her and she looked me in my eyes and said "I'm dying" I held my tears back and told her she was gonna be ok. The paramedics were called and she was rushed to the hospital where she passed away two weeks later. 

All the while, I watched my uncle who passed was my best friend slowly wither away from a deadly cancer. This guy and myself were together every day. Once I moved back to my parents house, we lived down the hall from each other. He was not just my uncle but a friend to me too. In January of this year, he passed away. His death has still been the hardest to bare for me. I lost so much when I lost him. 

A few months went by and I started to feel like there may have been hope, my business was turning around, my job was going well. Everything was good. Until one evening while picking up supplies for my business, I got a call saying that my 20year old cousin was in the hospital and had been shot in connection with gun violence. 

Early that following morning he died from his wounds. 

You'd think that maybe things would slow down and give a small break for processing, but no. Through it all another aunt of mine was being told that her cancer had spread throughout her entire body and that it was nothing that could be done. 

Last night while sitting alone with her, she began to slip away. Which startled me so again I ran and got help. This evening she passed away. 

I'm starting to feel cursed, almost like if I'm involved then something bad is going to happen. Strangely enough it's almost like I even know something's gonna happen on the days that it actually happens. It's scary. & I feel so alone. 

I thought I had one person that I could turn to in times like this but come to find out the one person I thought I had, had been talking about me behind my back.

Ive walked around for months pretending to be adjusting well, and doing fine. But now, I just want to give up. I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of being strong when I'm feel weak....

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reader

Dear Kj92,

(((hugs))) I'm sorry for all your losses. It is deeply painful to lose so many close relatives in a short time. It's overwhelming and hard for the mind and body to process. Please know you are not alone and we are with you.

I know many of us feel as you do and it is a lonely and difficult time. We are all so different but there is support in the community and through church. I tried group counselling, therapy, online supports, art classes, writing, reading. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve.

Thinking of you. x 

 

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Tracy Gail

I think we can all agree that we deeply feel each others pain. I lost my sister three years ago, It was sudden, unexpected and painful. I lost my best friend and confidante, and all it takes is for a song to play on the radio to reduce me to sobs. This time it was "I Would Have Loved You Anyway" by Trisha Yearwood. 

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Debra ahumada

Tracy I fully understand where you're coming from my baby brother was shot and killed his death was unexpected as well and he was my best friend as well the pain is so unbearable I lost who I was I don't even recognize Who I Am anymore full of anger and rage no expecting no understanding of why

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