The search for a memento

[DWS]

During my hour visit with my grief counselor yesterday, I mentioned my reluctance to attending any social gatherings with friends and acquaintences and wonder just when and how I'll eventually get over that hurdle. My emotions are still pretty raw so I've been keeping any ventures out into the real world short and to the point with no dillydallying. I work from home so things are easier that way but sitting in a restaurant or even a coffee shop still feels like something I won't be able to handle.

My counselor mentioned that some of her clients found that carrying a small memento or keepsake that was representative of their loved one was helpful. For examples, she showed me a small rock with the word "joy" on it as well as a silver heart...something that you can easily hold tight in your hand. Neither one of these appealed to me but it has given me thought. Going out into the world without my partner by my side conjures up so much sorrow in my mind but I can see some comfort in holding onto something or having something on me that continually keeps him and our shared love close to me. 

So now a search begins for a meaningful object. Neither Tom nor I wore any jewelry so that type of thing wouldn't work. I'm wondering what others have found with this type of thing. 

[KayC]

I guess I didn't take a "thing" but HIM with me (in spirit) when I pushed past my comfort zone and went to church (where it hit me hard as I'm on the platform, singing and could always see him smiling at me) or later when I ventured into a restaurant...alone.  I had to learn to do my life alone.  It's not the same as enjoying it with someone, but eventually I learned to get comfortable in my own skin, it took practice.

[DWS]

10 minutes ago, KayC said:

I guess I didn't take a "thing" but HIM with me (in spirit)

That's pretty well how I was thinking I'd handle it as well but the idea of holding something physical does seem to hold a bit of charm to me now. 

[Dragonfly999]

@DWS I’ve been a bit desperate to have reminders of him with me at all times. I know you said you don’t wear jewelry but I have a cremation ring ordered, where they fuse a small bit of his ashes into a heart on the ring, they make other types of jewelry too, and I wear his wedding ring around my neck on a chain. I have his keychain on my keys that was meaningful to him, and he used to carry a small talisman in his wallet that was special to him as it was made/written by his sword teacher so I’ve since put it in my wallet. Did he by chance have any small item he would carry on his person that way? For me I feel comfort in having objects that belonged to him that he had all the time.

This is also why I have my tattoo on my arm with his message in his handwriting so I can look down and see it.

 

[LMR]

@DWS I know exactly how you feel. I too have been avoiding people. Even visiting family is hard as I haven't seen them for so long. At a recent lunch with my nephew I just felt like such a waste of space. 

I mentioned before that I have been doing a temporary tattoo for the last year. It needs redoing every 2 weeks but I don't mind as I am tracing his writing, one of many loving messages he wrote to me.

A year ago I broke my wrist. Sometimes it aches, I was told that the cold might affect it so I decided to make myself some cuffs to keep it warm. I have made them from pieces of his clothing. I couldn't keep everything because I had to move so I cut up the older shirts. I had a couple that were sports shirts from his job and they had his name embroidered on them so those pieces have been incorporated into my cuffs so I wear his name all day long.

[DWS]

48 minutes ago, Dragonfly999 said:

I have his keychain on my keys that was meaningful to him...

Thank you for this suggestion. I'm going to put some thought into this one!

[DWS]

3 minutes ago, LMR said:

A year ago I broke my wrist. Sometimes it aches, I was told that the cold might affect it so I decided to make myself some cuffs to keep it warm. I have made them from pieces of his clothing. I couldn't keep everything because I had to move so I cut up the older shirts. I had a couple that were sports shirts from his job and they had his name embroidered on them so those pieces have been incorporated into my cuffs so I wear his name all day long.

That is so inventive and sweet! I love hearing solutions like that. 

4 minutes ago, LMR said:

@DWS I know exactly how you feel. I too have been avoiding people. Even visiting family is hard as I haven't seen them for so long. At a recent lunch with my nephew I just felt like such a waste of space.

I'm hoping that my brother and his wife don't have us all over to their place on Father's Day for a barbecue like they've done years prior. I haven't heard anything yet but there will be 20 or more there if they do. I've already made up my mind that I won't go but I know I'll meet resistance from my two sisters. 

[LMR]

5 minutes ago, DWS said:

 

I'm hoping that my brother and his wife don't have us all over to their place on Father's Day for a barbecue like they've done years prior.

This seems to be one of the hardest things to make other people understand - that the emptiness is exaggerated when we are in a social setting. I hope you manage to avoid it. We cannot be forced to be happy.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, DWS said:

So now a search begins for a meaningful object. Neither Tom nor I wore any jewelry so that type of thing wouldn't work. I'm wondering what others have found with this type of thing.

Well, I do the typical thing of wearing John’s wedding ring on a chain around my neck while keeping my wedding ring right where we placed on my finger all those decades ago. But as neither of you wore jewelry, I will tell you about my other talisman, which may seem weird or meaningless to some, but isn’t to me: Since the day John died, I have used his key ring instead of mine. We each have the tiniest Swiss Army knife, along with key finders and house and car keys. My knife is purple, while his is classic red. Every time I take out those keys, my heart knows I am holding what he held for so many years. It’s a small connection that matters to me.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, LMR said:

I decided to make myself some cuffs to keep it warm. I have made them from pieces of his clothing.

What a great idea!

My sister recently died, we were very close, she was my best friend, I took care of her...she's been there my whole life.  My mom was mentally ill and us sisters got us through that growing up time, we are tight.  I have some of her earrings and have taken to wearing them, I just want something of hers close to me, you know?

[Ronni_W]

On 6/3/2022 at 10:01 AM, DWS said:

My counselor mentioned that some of her clients found that carrying a small memento or keepsake that was representative of their loved one was helpful.

Dear DWS,

Thank you for mentioning this. At the minute, what feels like it *might* work for me is to buy one of those key chains where you can add a photograph.

I think I'm going to try that. (And, if it doesn't work so well for me, then I'll just keep trying to come up with new ideas, until one works! 💗.).

Lots of love and hugs, and strength and comfort, to you and to one and all.     Ronni

[tnd]

On 6/3/2022 at 9:01 AM, DWS said:

My counselor mentioned that some of her clients found that carrying a small memento or keepsake that was representative of their loved one was helpful.

That sounds like a good idea. Maybe even something that can be tucked away in a purse or left on the dashboard in the car every time you go out. 

[KayC]

IMO counseling is helpful if you find the right one, feel free to switch if not, you'll know.  
Counseling: Five FAQs
Grief specialist
Grief Counseling Reluctance
 

[DWS]

On 6/5/2022 at 6:40 AM, Sim7079 said:

I was thinking about counselling @DWS is it helpful?

Sorry for the delay in replying. I find it helpful having someone's full attention to my grief. During my second session with her, we chatted about the risks that can happen physically while we're grieving and it was then that I realized her commitment and professional concerns to my well-being. I found that not only comforting but a full validation of the seriousness of what I'm going through. That's something that I feel friends and family aren't fully aware of. Like most of society, they're mostly just hoping for that moment when time has done its supposed healing and I'll be back to my old self again...and of course, the old me won't ever fully return. How could it?!  I will advise that you find someone who specializes in grief and loss and it also helps if it's someone who personally has had their own experience with it. 

[DWS]

I can now stop searching for a memento because Tom's daughter surprised me with an early birthday gift that I got in the mail today. She sent me a pendant with Tom's signature etched in a small mirror and below it is his fingerprint. It's quite coincidental that last week, I mentioned looking for some type of memento to her. She said that she'd had the pendant for a couple of months to send on my birthday and that it was hard keeping it a surprise for so long. It's a wonderful gift even though it has had me in tears most of this evening. 

[foreverhis]

@DWS  That is wonderful.  Tom's daughter clearly cares about you and wants to comfort you in a tangible way.  Such a special gift for so many reasons.  I hope that at least one or two of your tears were "happy" ones, knowing that you and she are still connected through love.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, DWS said:

She sent me a pendant with Tom's signature etched in a small mirror and below it is his fingerprint.

Wow!  That is so special!  Sounds like a special daughter.

[DWS]

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

@DWS  That is wonderful.  Tom's daughter clearly cares about you and wants to comfort you in a tangible way.

Thanks @foreverhis...we both found each other's unique bond and connection to Tom that we both needed during this time. I guess we're both meeting each other in our grief instead of looking at it from outside as most of our family and friends do. I know that I carry a lot of personal knowledge about her dad that he wouldn't have shared with her and she carries a larger history of him than I do so that's all part of Tom's story that is open to us if needed. 

Having said that, the gift of the pendant hit me very hard upon seeing it. I think seeing his fingerprint really brought things into light again. I feel any strength I had has weakened but I need to trust that in the long haul on this journey, this is what we need. 

[tnd]

On 6/8/2022 at 9:39 PM, DWS said:

can now stop searching for a memento because Tom's daughter surprised me with an early birthday gift that I got in the mail today. She sent me a pendant with Tom's signature etched in a small mirror and below it is his fingerprint.

That was a very thoughtful gesture. 

[Dragonfly999]

For anyone interested in a keychain idea, I came across this website. They upload a photo to the middle of the heart so you can look through it and see it when you want.

https://mintandlily.com/products/heart-photo-keychain?mrk_section=template--14249353642057__main-collection

 

[KayC]

Wow, $149 down to $42.50 for gold plated isn't bad!