My wife's death

[1050_harley]

I hate that I am constantly bothered by the loss of my wife I tell myself that I will be brave and I will get through it but deep deep down the only way I've ever been able to get through troubling times was if my wife was there to hold me up.  When I woke up at 3:30 am that morning to hearing her cries for help right then at that moment I knew it was all bad. I fully understand that life is a natural part of human life but what is not natural is the circumstance around her death it rattles me I have questions that I'll never get the answers to and this is what truly is bothering me. I know my wife is gone she is in heaven now.. a huge huge part of my soul and my mind died with her that day.. I wish I knew how to feel I wish I knew how to express myself in depth but I can't it's too hard. My mental health Since then has gotten so much worse I've fallen off the rails and walked too far down the dark beaten track of loneliness and misery. I feel like I have nothing to live for, I promised my wife if she was to ever die I would be right behind her in death too as a man I break that promise just by being alive I know this will sound silly but it is what I feel and think. This dark emptiness I carry inside my chest is getting heavier and heavier every day and as much as I talk about it it's like the weight still does not lift. I have never dealt with death before in my life and the one time I do it is my wife my best friend my Rock my everything it shattered me into undescribable pieces and I literally have nothing to lose now by killing myself. I don't want to feel this pain anymore I don't want to feel like I'm letting her down by being in heaven without me..life on earth is just a mess I want heaven I want my wife. I'm not equipped to deal with this as much as I say that I'll be ok I'll be fine I've seen councilors I've spoke to psychiatrists ive gotten medication but guys I abuse drugs I'll say it right now straight up I abuse prescription drugs in the hopes that I numb it completely meaning I die from a overdose. I drink like a pirate until I numb it but then suicidal thoughts hit me like a Mac truck and I shut down I isolate myself in my residence I hardly speak to people I'm always down now tell me what kind of life is that? It definitely is not happy or peaceful. I think about the very moment I take my last breath what will I be thinking or feeling will I see my wife will she appear and take my hand and guide me into heaven will the devil greet me and take me straight to hell because of the many wrongs I have done in my life I don't know if god can forgive me. I want him to forgive me. I will want my family to forgive me because I fully understand what mess it'll put them in by knowing my body has been found or of they themselves find my body. I'm just sick I'm sick and tired of life I'm sick of fighting the pain and the guilt I'm sick of living without my wife she is my soulmate. She used to think I never loved her fully i want to show her how much I do love her by leaving this world behind to be with her. I'm done with this I hate this.

[Richard Hildebrand]

I am sorry you are going through this,I lost my wife of 40 years 4months ago, what we have to do is try to keep our lives together the best that we can and keep our love strong but we must move forward as this is what they would want us to do. I know sometimes the pain is unbearable,and the mental aspect is worse yet,but just knowing that she loves you always will help you to survive the loss and the hope that we will see them again