I lost my cat and cannot cope...

[Evi1982]

I have had many pets throughout the years and I truly believe that there are only a few with which you experience a bond so strong and a love so intense... Well , I had that with my cat Pambos. He was abandoned as a newborn, we took him in, bottle-fed him and he grew up to be a handsome, amazing cat! He was loved by all who knew him, even the neighbors walking their dogs would come by our house to see him... He was crazy, super funny, kind and loving, the sweetest ,most amazing creature I've seen. Yesterday  , he did not come when called in the morning. He was nowhere near our house which was odd. My youngest son panicked and I told him not to worry and that I would find him. I drove my boys to school and promised that everything would be fine. On my way home I found him at the side of the road 200 m from our house. He was dead. My sweet little cat was lying lifeless at the side of the road. Hit by a car during the night. From that moment on everything is black. I feel guilty. I was supposed to protect him and did not. Did he suffer? I imagine his last minutes in my head all the time. Was he scared? He is gone. In an instant. He lived only 1year on this planet. I naively thought we would be together for many more years. He wanted to be outside. He was so happy and I thought he was safe since I live in a quiet area. I was wrong and I failed him. And now my family has to deal with his loss and witness a mother/wife in pieces unable to stand on her feet. What do I do? How do I move on? I am overwhelmed right now and I feel as though I will never recover. 

 

[AJWCat]

Oh no, I am so sorry about your sweet kitty! 

Yes, outdoor life for cats, can be dangerous. Some cats can live many years though even outside, so you just never know what's going to happen. 

I know how painful it is, and the grief. Unfortunately, this will be a time to help your kids learn how to grieve too. You don't need to move on. You need allow time to heal and to remember your sweet cat. You all will heal. But it is not easy. It feels horrible.

I am really sorry. My heart goes out to you. 

[Eternalsoul]

I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. I know it's awful to go through this. The saddest part is not all of them will go how we wish for them to go. We all want that fairytale passing for them. It's difficult to accept and difficult to cope when they go in these circumstances. 

If you can give him a proper burial and make it special for everyone. Give him something of yours to have. Write him a note. I still talk to mine. I do feel they listen. 

I understand the feeling of failure. You didn't expect for that to happen. I think what could help you is giving him a proper burial or cremation, whichever you choose and do it with your heart and he will be with you. Sort of like a tribute. Print his photo if you have one and frame it. Something to let him know you're thinking of him. Love is stronger than death. We all are going to "die" but I believe in the afterlife. I believe in more. 

[Eternalsoul]

About 13 years ago I left a cat outside who was around 1 years of age. He was so beautiful and gentle. I too live in an area where it's not so busy. 

That evening my family did not bring him in or maybe they didn't notice he was outside. I wasn't home. That next morning I went looking for him and he didn't show. I hung flyers around town with a reward. One day I got a phone call from some young teen boys who said they found him. He had a bullet wound and his fur was soaked with water. They had a swimming pool. One was laughing as I was crying. To this day I think they intentionally shot him. One of the boys told them not to laugh and that it wasn't cool. He had a heart.

The ones who lived there were the ones who I suspected shot him. I was so devastated. I blamed myself. 

The odd thing is later on that family went through a devastating experience and I kind of felt they deserved it for torturing my cat. I know that sounds mean.. but I won't deny it. 

After that I became over protective with my pets outdoors. It's a learning lesson and I'm truly so sorry this happened. I hope you have some sort of Faith or hope that you'll see him again. YOU can ask him to forgive you and he already has I'm sure. He doesn't blame you. 

If it isn't a car on the road then it's an evil person. 

I hope you and your family find strength and comfort in knowing it's not the end. 

 

[foreverhis]

On 6/1/2022 at 3:49 PM, Eternalsoul said:

One day I got a phone call from some young teen boys who said they found him. He had a bullet wound and his fur was soaked with water. They had a swimming pool. One was laughing as I was crying. To this day I think they intentionally shot him. One of the boys told them not to laugh and that it wasn't cool. He had a heart

That's horrifying.  I so wish I could reach through the screen and offer you comfort right now.  I know it was more than a decade ago, but it must still be so painful.

On 6/1/2022 at 3:49 PM, Eternalsoul said:

YOU can ask him to forgive you and he already has I'm sure. He doesn't blame you. 

I agree.  I have asked Charlie Bear, Penny, and my wonderful John all to forgive me my faults and failings.  I have faith that they are together now, that Charlie Bear and Penny were there to greet John at the Rainbow Bridge in joyous reunion.  It's one of the few small comforts I have now.

I truly believe that our sweet pets forgive us instantly.  I think it's one of the greatest gifts in the world.  It sounds trite, I suppose, but to my way of thinking, sentient animals, especially our most beloved pets, are sent to us to show us a glimpse of heaven.  By that, I mean they show the unconditional love of pure souls who are here to make us better human beings.  When we lose them, no matter how or when, we lose that little bit of heaven and have only the memories until it is our time and we are reunited, never to be parted again.  I hope so much that when it is my time, my three loves will be waiting for me with loving hearts and open arms (and paws).

On 6/1/2022 at 6:20 AM, Evi1982 said:

What do I do? How do I move on? I am overwhelmed right now and I feel as though I will never recover. 

Welcome.  I am so very sorry you have a reason to be here, but it is a good place to be.  The members here understand, they have been and are going through this deep grief and "get it" in ways that others do not or maybe will not. 

I won't try to talk you out of any guilt you feel right now because that would minimize your valid feelings and I've been there myself.  But I would urge you to remember that some cats only thrive when they can be outdoors at least part of the time.  It's a hard thing to know that we want to keep them safe, but also want them to be happy and we can only do our best to make that happen.  It sounds as if that's exactly what you did.  You tried your best and loved with all your heart.  That's all any of us can ask of ourselves.  None of us can see the future, but it's common to think things like, "Why did/didn't I...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..."  We question because we want to change what happened, but we cannot.  In this early grief, you are no doubt overwhelmed and your emotions are swirling all over the place.  That's completely to be expected.  You are in shock and you are also trying to figure out how to help your children in their grief as well.  That's a heavy burden to bear.

To answer your direct questions: 

What you do now is get up each day, breathe in and out, and try to literally live in the day.  It's a cliche because it's true that it's best to "take one day at a time."  I urge you not to try to hide your grief from your children.  They need to see that it's natural to express our deep grief that way.  IMO, it helps children realize that they don't have to hide their emotions.  They may show anger and some of it may come to you.  That is also natural because our hearts are desperately searching for a different outcome.  We adults tend to look in the mirror, point at ourselves, and say, "It's your fault."  Children direct their anger a different way, in part because their minds are still growing and learning, but also in part because subconsciously they know that the people who love them, especially parents, will understand, forgive, and help them along their grief journey.  So if they do lash out at you, please try to remember that you feeling guilty doesn't actually make you guilty.  Comfort each other; love each other; talk about it and keep talking because holding it inside is destructive over time, IMO.

As for moving on, I strongly urge you to think of it differently.  Bottom line:  We don't move on from this kind of loss.  But that doesn't mean grief stays the same.  Grief evolves and becomes easier to carry.  That's one reason I think talking is a good thing because it helps bring all the loving, good, wonderful memories back to us.  At first, most of us can only see and feel the painful ones.  Grief is a journey and it takes time.  There's no way around it.

I understand why you feel as though you will never recover.  That seems universal in early grief, whether we have lost a person or a pet.  You are overwhelmed and still in shock.  Being here, talking (well, writing), reading, finding no judgment or other negative energy, and knowing that when I fall, the members here will reach out and help me up, has been a real grace in my life.  You've taken the first step, if you will, by coming here and reaching out.  We are all on our own unique paths, but we are walking the same painful road together.  You are not alone.

 

[Evi1982]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

That's horrifying.  I so wish I could reach through the screen and offer you comfort right now.  I know it was more than a decade ago, but it must still be so painful.

I agree.  I have asked Charlie Bear, Penny, and my wonderful John all to forgive me my faults and failings.  I have faith that they are together now, that Charlie Bear and Penny were there to greet John at the Rainbow Bridge in joyous reunion.  It's one of the few small comforts I have now.

I truly believe that our sweet pets forgive us instantly.  I think it's one of the greatest gifts in the world.  It sounds trite, I suppose, but to my way of thinking, sentient animals, especially our most beloved pets, are sent to us to show us a glimpse of heaven.  By that, I mean they show the unconditional love of pure souls who are here to make us better human beings.  When we lose them, no matter how or when, we lose that little bit of heaven and have only the memories until it is our time and we are reunited, never to be parted again.  I hope so much that when it is my time, my three loves will be waiting for me with loving hearts and open arms (and paws).

Welcome.  I am so very sorry you have a reason to be here, but it is a good place to be.  The members here understand, they have been and are going through this deep grief and "get it" in ways that others do not or maybe will not. 

I won't try to talk you out of any guilt you feel right now because that would minimize your valid feelings and I've been there myself.  But I would urge you to remember that some cats only thrive when they can be outdoors at least part of the time.  It's a hard thing to know that we want to keep them safe, but also want them to be happy and we can only do our best to make that happen.  It sounds as if that's exactly what you did.  You tried your best and loved with all your heart.  That's all any of us can ask of ourselves.  None of us can see the future, but it's common think things like, "Why did/didn't I...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..."  We question because we want to change what happened, be we cannot.  In this early grief, you are no doubt overwhelmed and your emotions are swirling all over the place.  That's completely to be expected.  You are in shock and you are also trying to figure out how to help your children in their grief as well.  That's a heavy burden to bear.

To answer your direct questions: 

What you do now is get up each day, breathe in and out, and try to literally live in the day.  It's a cliche because it's true that it's best to "take one day at a time."  I urge you not to try to hide your grief from your children.  They need to see that it's natural to express our deep grief that way.  IMO, it helps children realize that they don't have to hide their emotions.  They may show anger and some of it may come to you.  That is also natural because our hearts are desperately searching for a different outcome.  We adults tend to look in the mirror, point at ourselves, and say, "It's your fault."  Children direct their anger a different way, in part because their minds are still growing and learning, but also in part because subconsciously they know that the people who love them, especially parents, will understand, forgive, and help them along their grief journey.  So if they do lash out at you, please try to remember that you feeling guilty doesn't actually make you guilty.  Comfort each other; love each other; talk about it and keep talking because holding it inside is destructive over time, IMO.

As for moving on, I strongly urge you to think of it differently.  Bottom line:  We don't move on from this kind of loss.  But that doesn't mean grief stays the same.  Grief evolves and becomes easier to carry.  That's one reason I think talking is a good thing because it helps bring all the loving, good, wonderful memories back to us.  At first, most of us can only see and feel the painful ones.  Grief is a journey and it takes time.  There's no way around it.

I understand why you feel as though you will never recover.  That seems universal in early grief, whether we have lost a person or a pet.  You are overwhelmed and still in shock.  Being here, talking (well, writing), reading, finding no judgment or other negative energy, and knowing that when I fall, the members here will reach out and help me up, has been a real grace in my life.  You've taken the first step, if you will, by coming here and reaching out.  We are all on our own unique paths, but we are walking the same painful road together.  You are not alone.

 

Thank u so much from the bottom of my heart. Your words were so soothing...

The moment I decided to have cats , I promised my self that I would not keep them inside just because I was scared . I thought that a cat is most happy when he can be outdoors and that I owe it to them to keep them as safe as possible and as happy as possible at the same time. It was a risk I was willing to take. Or so I thought. When I saw him lying on the road...I cannot even describe the feeling. I did not see it coming. I did not know that he could venture more than 100 ft from home. After all he was always home when I called him.He was always nearby. 

I loved him immensely. I will always love him till my last breath. My other cats are much older and really I feel like he changed my life. He was so playful and crazy, but so nice and gentle at the same time. So much love... Such a price to pay...

[KayC]

@Evi1982 I am so sorry for your loss.  It seems the hardest thing in the world, they are our babies, our children, and the bond is so tight.  I want to leave you some articles that may be of help to you as you make your way through this grieving process.  Know we are here with you and understand and care.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[KayC]

I wrote this article ten years after losing my husband...things I've gathered from my own and other's experiences on grief forums over the years.  Although it was written with loss of husband in mind, losing my Arlie (dog) felt much the same as losing my husband, then just 4 1/2 months later I lost my 25 1/2 year old Kitty.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Eternalsoul]

@foreverhis

Thank you. Yes, it was heartbreaking. I don't understand why anyone would intentionally harm an animal. I sometimes worry they wanted the reward because I wrote I'd give a reward to whoever found him. 

The thing is they were a wealthy family. Their father was a doctor. They had the biggest house in the neighborhood. The brothers were the ones who shot him. The friend was the one who you could see he felt horrible when I was crying. It was very sad. I brought him home and buried him. Horrible horrible ugly thing to do and to laugh at. 

Thank you. 

I hope I hold him again. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Eternalsoul said:

The brothers were the ones who shot him.

Some people are evil, pure and simple.  I'm so sorry, not only senseless but totally devastating.  I hope they were brought to justice.

Years ago when raising my kids and doing childcare in my home, a next door neighbor kid was shooting a gun while my kids were out back, I had to call them in.  I called the authorities (his parents weren't home) and they DID NOTHING!  I don't get our police sometimes.  They let a schoolroom full of kids and teachers get shot and killed without going in (19 police outside, useless), I don't understand our country sometimes.