Please not suicide

[Goforth860]

I'm sitting here and I'm reading posts of ppl wanting to commit suicide.  I have been there. I have tried and failed. I have thought of it often especially in the last 4 years after losing my mom my Snoop and now John. But I  came the closest I have come since John was alive and I had just lost my Snoop.  My 17 year old emotional support dog, was the other day. I was just so overwhelmed.  But I know that my lost loved ones and the few remaining would want me to continue on. They would want me to live. I know sometimes it feels like you're just existing but that's where you have to be sometimes.  Life isn't always puppy dogs and dandelions.  You have to go through the lows as well as the highs. I'm hoping and praying that those feeling this way find a piece of light. Think of the loved one or one's that you have lost. Think of the ones you still have here. How it would effect them and how heartbroken 💔 they would be to lose you. I believe that we are all here for a reason.  To thank someone for holding the door open for you. To smile at a total stranger and make their day better. Yes there's always heartaches but there's also always joy. You have to look at everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING!!! Look at the birds flying high or a tree swaying in the wind. Look at yourself and see value ✨️.  And know that yes there's a saying. This too shall pass.  Believe in whomever it is you believe in and know that they're there for you. You may not see it but they are. Just look forward. Keep taking those steps and eventually you will walk from total darkness and feelings of dispare and into some kind of light. Like I said there is always some kind of light. Even if it's just a spark every so often catch ahold of it and keep on keeping on.  Know that someone out there loves and appreciates you. You are worthy of living and going on. 

[Goforth860]

I'm sitting here and I'm reading posts of ppl wanting to commit suicide.  I have been there. I have tried and failed. I have thought of it often especially in the last 4 years after losing my mom my Snoop and now John. But I  came the closest I have come since John was alive and I had just lost my Snoop.  My 17 year old emotional support dog, was the other day. I was just so overwhelmed.  But I know that my lost loved ones and the few remaining would want me to continue on. They would want me to live. I know sometimes it feels like you're just existing but that's where you have to be sometimes.  Life isn't always puppy dogs and dandelions.  You have to go through the lows as well as the highs. I'm hoping and praying that those feeling this way find a piece of light. Think of the loved one or one's that you have lost. Think of the ones you still have here. How it would effect them and how heartbroken 💔 they would be to lose you. I believe that we are all here for a reason.  To thank someone for holding the door open for you. To smile at a total stranger and make their day better. Yes there's always heartaches but there's also always joy. You have to look at everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING!!! Look at the birds flying high or a tree swaying in the wind. Look at yourself and see value ✨️.  And know that yes there's a saying. This too shall pass.  Believe in whomever it is you believe in and know that they're there for you. You may not see it but they are. Just look forward. Keep taking those steps and eventually you will walk from total darkness and feelings of dispare and into some kind of light. Like I said there is always some kind of light. Even if it's just a spark every so often catch ahold of it and keep on keeping on.  Know that someone out there loves and appreciates you. You are worthy of living and going on. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Goforth860 said:

Yes there's always heartaches but there's also always joy.

Thank you, it's always a good reminder.  It's up to us to keep our eyes peeled for it, recognize it, embrace it, appreciate it.  It takes effort.  Sometimes when we are in early grief it can be hard to expend that effort, we feel drained, like our body is made of lead.  But try.  I had my big joy (George) but now I look for the little joys, like you just stated, a smile, someone letting you merge in traffic (a real miracle!), a wave from a neighbor, hell, I've even talked to health insurance workers!  Such is our aloneness.   I don't engage spammers but my sister used to after she was widowed, I think she thought it a game to mess with them.  We look for joy wherever we find it, however weird it might seem!

 

[widower2]

What a great attitude, props to you for that. I put down her/my/our dog a few years ago and it about killed me...a lot of old wounds re-opened. And it wasn't just about his significance or ties to her - he was just such a great dog. Frankly part of the reason I couldn't consider ending my life when I lost her was because of him - he was a rescue dog and had (as she put it) "issues"  a rescue dog who was abused by his first owner and you really had to know how to handle him. If I was gone, he was in big trouble. I couldn't do that to him. Anyway, yes, despite the terrors life throws us, as crazy and improbable as it might seem, there are still joys to be had in life. 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

And it wasn't just about his significance or ties to her - he was just such a great dog.

When I lost Arlie it killed me, he was everything to me, my soulmate in a dog, as I called him, he was my companion after losing my George.  And it wasn't so much that it brought up George's death (it'd been a lot of years since that) but it felt much the same as that loss as he was significant to me in his own right.  Growing old alone is better with a dog, IMO, and this one was special, unique.  I know there's not another Arlie, God threw away the mold on that one.

[widower2]

We are clearly sympatico on that!

[Diane R. E.]

On 6/1/2022 at 5:28 AM, Goforth860 said:

I believe that we are all here for a reason.  To thank someone for holding the door open for you. To smile at a total stranger and make their day better.

I was just thinking about this during my walk this morning! I truly believe that if we are simply someone who is kind, respectful, and generous, that it is enough. Not everyone has to have a grand purpose in life. You never know when a kind gesture can be so meaningful to someone else. I also believe that finding small joys can make a big difference. During my morning  walks I get to see beautiful green trees and sunshine, and hear birds singing - a great way to start the day. This picture is a mural on the side of a house I often walk by. That being said, I still miss my husband more than I can say and still have waves of grief at times. But experiencing these small joys really does help!

[Dragonfly999]

It seems a lot of people are able to center themselves on not going through with it because of what it would do to the people in their life. But, the problem is I don’t have people that it would hurt. My only family is my husband’s daughter, who lives 2500 miles away, and while we’re closer now because of what we went through I certainly don’t believe me being gone would be a big deal. I actually wasn’t sure she’d want to keep me in her life after he died. I’m estranged from my family, my parents disowned me because I wouldn’t do what they wanted and I chose to step away because of their toxicity so it’s a mutual agreement.

With most of the issues his daughter has in her life, the biggest thing that would help her is having money, and she would get all of our assets plus my life insurance money. I checked, my policy pays out for suicide as long as you’ve had the policy for over two years. So she’d get a pile of money to fix her problems and let her raise her kids in a much better way, and the money would go really far where she lives vs where I live. Otherwise, I only have my colleagues, who might be upset for a week and then they’d replace my position and move on. So barely any negative consequences to anyone else, actually more of a benefit.

I’m still held back by the fear of any repercussions spiritually but I’m afraid as time goes by I’ll start to feel less convinced by that. 

[Goforth860]

Please. Matter to yourself. You are now #1 in your life. You may not have anyone but think of your partner.  They wouldn't want that for you. You deserve to live. God knows I've tried and failed and even though I've got so much pain in my life I think about the ones I have lost and how disappointed they would be in me. It's not just the spiritual consequences for me and it shouldn't be for you. You have a purpose.  I promise you that.  This pain will get easier eventually.  I wonder when and I know ppl are tired of hearing me say that I miss him and I just want him back. I'll probably say that til the day I die. Hell on my death bed I'll probably say here I come John.  But you really need to find yourself. Everyone tells me to find a hobby. I'm sorry but what is a hobby going to do for the emence pain I feel.  It's so much more than devastation.  That word is nowhere near big enough or can describe the total despair I feel. You are worth so much more than the money your daughter would get. She may need the money to help her. It may set her for life.  But that money is not worth YOUR life. If you could asked her and she would tell you the same thing. I am having a lot of problems with paranoia.  I feel as though Everyone has forgotten me and they're out to get me when they do think about me. I'm irrational and not thinking straight. Same as you at the moment. I don't know you personally but know that have spoken about our loss I care if you die. You are an important part of my recovery from a horrible time and place in my life. Know that everyone on this site cares if you are here with us. You came here for a reason. Someone may have directed you here but you made the decision to write about how you are feeling and I want to validate that it is a normal response to trauma in your life to just not want to go on. You have to. It's in your DNA.  You are a survivor like we all are. You are meant to survive this. I know we have no clue as to how right now. I wonder how I'm supposed to do this without him. Ppl say take it day to day. Step by step.  Hell I have to take it second by second. Everyday. And I do mean second by second EVERYDAY!!! It makes for a really long day but it helps me have a few mins of being ok. Not good but ok. I haven't said good morning or anything since he passed but believe me it is a good morning because you woke up. God has granted you another day to fill your purpose.  I don't know if you've read any of my post but you do have a purpose.  Even if it's just a smile at a stranger for a total of 5 seconds one day. That was your purpose for that day. There is a spark. Even if it's a fleeting spark. Grab ahold of it. Look at nature.  See the trees blowing in the wind or a flower that has bloomed. There is some kind of joy. In times like these after losing someone so close and feeling as though you can't or don't want to go on you must find something beautiful. 

[Jemiga70]

I read somewhere that our purpose does not have to mean writing a bestseller or saving the world or anything grandiose, though if that happens to be what we're here to do, great, that's what we're here to do. As you said @Goforth860  maybe it's something simple like smiling at a stranger, or petting a stray, just something to make some other soul feel a little less lonely... I don't know.  Maybe just BEING THERE for someone, whether you feel like you're helping or not.  I find these are easy concepts to intellectualize but much more difficult to grasp in the hell of grief when I feel that hole in my heart every single moment.  Can we really be 100% sure that we wouldn't be sorely missed? How can we know how we've touched someone else's life, even if we think we did nothing special?  I'm thinking of that James Stewart Christmas movie now.  It's late, I miss my wife terribly and I'm just ruminating.

[Goforth860]

You are so right @Jemiga70. The smallest things could be our purpose.  Just to do something as simple as saying a kind word to someone to make their day a lil less painful. To let someone merge into traffic in front of you to let them know there is still some kind of decent ppl left in the world. The simplest thing effects ppl. And you may have effected one of your co workers so profoundly that if you were to take your own they may get into some kind of dispare.  You have and will fufill your purpose. A specific purpose everyday.  Thats what it means to live. Think of it this way. When you drop a small droplet of water into a lake or even a puddle of mud. It ripples. It starts out where the droplet landed but it effects the entire body of water. Your being kind to someone or something. Even to pick up a piece of trash or to stop in the middle of the rd to help a animal get safely across it. I cant tell you how many turtles 🐢 I  have stopped and took across the rd (of course in the direction their head is pointed and they seem to be going). The smallest act of kindness. If you're kind to someone.  Smile at them to make their day a lil brighter may have them do something nice or kind.  It will ripple through the world and you have made a difference. Not only in that person's life but in the person's life they effect. So in turn you HAVE made a difference in the world. YOU MATTER!!! Everything you do matters to someone somewhere.  Whether you're aware of it or not. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

I don’t have people that it would hurt.

It would hurt you.  It would deprive you of every joy you might otherwise experience in the rest of your life.  So much growth you'd miss by not surviving what you have yet to go through.  So many people you'd never meet...

Life is a gift.  Ask everyone we've lost.

Another thing is the what ifs.  I don't believe suicide prevents you from heaven...but what IF I'm wrong!  Do I want to gamble my eternity on this one action?

[KMkm]

I am contemplated it pretty much every day since my wife passed last December.  I feel awful every second of the day.  I can't feel anything other than sadness and grief.  The overwhelming numb feeling in the front of my brain wher I used to feel joy, laughter and happy.  I can't commit suicide for the fact that I won't let this feeling take me.  I have two young kids and to watch them suffer though losing their mom and then me would be the worst.  I may not see worth in myself but  I'm worthy, I may not feel like I matter but  I do.  People tell me I'm hard on myself and I need to give myself credit but I probably never will.  I have heard and have said that life is about all emotions not just the good ones.  Stay strong my friends.  Life is about perseverance and living through adversity and enjoying the good times.  

[KayC]

9 hours ago, KMkm said:

People tell me I'm hard on myself and I need to give myself credit but I probably never will.

It's okay to say the first part as that's your truth, but the second part locks you in to being a certain way for life...are you sure you want stuck there?  We are what we decree.