Another Loss , back again, feeling suicidal!

[JoyR]

Partner murdered 2 years ago. Now my son father was killed . God hates me . Lawsuit failed biased jury and I can’t catch a break. I may as well just die already .

[Goforth860]

Please DO NOT go there. God does not hate you. I have lost a considerable amount of my loved ones through the years and in 4 I have lost my mother dec, 16, 2018- my emotional support dog of 17 years Sept,14, 2020. Which is also the day my father was shot and murdered by his father 24 years prior-and now my partner of 13 years Feb, 28, 2022. I have been where you are. Just wanting to die. Not wanting to go on. But they would want you to live for them. I promise you they would. And it would hurt them so much if you were to hurt yourself. Think of the trauma and hurt you feel. Now think of putting your loved ones through that. It wouldn't be by someone else's hand either. It would be by yours. I've tried in the  past. Just in total dispare. Mental anguish. And I've had ppl tell me it was selfish. I understand you just wanting the pain to stop but as I've heard this too shall pass. It's not easy by an means. But you HAVE TO keep on keeping on.  For them. Take it day by day and if that doesn't work hour by hour. Sometimes I have to take it second by second but keep taking it a lil at a time. God is good and he will help you through this. Just breath and believe that there's a purpose for you being here. Even if it's just to smile at a total stranger for a few seconds and make them not do anything to harm themselves. We all have a purpose. Yours is to continue on now. I know it's hard without them. God knows how I know but you must continue on. 

[KayC]

Oh Joy, my heart goes out to you!  I understand your feelings, sometimes it can feel that way!  But I assure you God does not hate you or have it in for you....it can FEEL that way when everything is going wrong.  I'm sorry you've suffered another loss, sometimes it feels they pile up.  I want to recommend a book to you, I hope it's not too theological for you in this time, but it really helped me years ago when I was going through so much and it's comes back to me time and again since as I seem to be singled out for hard places in my life!  I don't say that as a bad thing, actually I view it quite differently now, dare I say almost a privilege?  I know that sounds ludicrous, but maybe God has faith in me that I can grow and handle it with His help?  That's how I view it.  Anyway the book is "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." Rabbi Harold Kushner

On 6/1/2022 at 4:57 AM, Goforth860 said:

Sometimes I have to take it second by second but keep taking it a lil at a time.

The Bible says to not worry about tomorrow for each day has trouble enough of it's own.  I believe it!  For 17 years now I've taken one day at a time.  Taking on the whole "rest of my life" is way too much and sends my anxiety soaring, I can't change or handle all that anyway, so I've learned to live in this present moment and stay in today, it helps me to fully grasp and appreciate what IS rather than merely lamenting what ISN'T also.  

Never consider anything that could hurt your son.  Even when I don't hear from my kids (they're grown) for a long time, I know they love me, they are just living as young people do, caught up in the moment, busy with their lives, as we all do to some extent.  They and Kodie mean the world to me.

On 6/1/2022 at 4:57 AM, Goforth860 said:

I know it's hard without them.

Oh yes.  And we know our lives would be different "if only."  But we don't have "if only," we have what is and keep on keeping on.  Love you girl!  Don't give in to despair no matter what, we're here for you whenever you need to let it out.  There was a song years ago (I'm old) "This World is Not My Home (I'm Just a passing through)" it comes to mind how the next life will be so much better.

[Debra ahumada]

Join I can relate to you I've become really bad suicidal my last attempt to hang myself and almost died my friend found me cut me  down and gave me CPR  I didn't want to live anymore I even took 30 100 mg seraquil and almost died all I could  think about was wanting to be where my brother's at just wanted to be with him 

[KayC]

I just had a conversation with a friend about this, just this morning.  I told him, with my luck, I'd be left a vegetable for life, stuck in a nursing home, fed through tubes, unable to communicate.  That's IF I was willing to gamble all eternity's destination on it...and I am not.  I don't want anything to jeopardize my chance to be with him again.  Not to mention what it'd do to my kids and siblings.  I'm unable to trade anything for what it'd put them through...and then there's my puppy, Kodie, what it'd do to his life.  Nope...

On 6/1/2022 at 4:57 AM, Goforth860 said:

Please DO NOT go there. God does not hate you. I have lost a considerable amount of my loved ones through the years and in 4 I have lost my mother dec, 16, 2018- my emotional support dog of 17 years Sept,14, 2020. Which is also the day my father was shot and murdered by his father 24 years prior-and now my partner of 13 years Feb, 28, 2022. I have been where you are. Just wanting to die. Not wanting to go on. But they would want you to live for them. I promise you they would. And it would hurt them so much if you were to hurt yourself. Think of the trauma and hurt you feel. Now think of putting your loved ones through that. It wouldn't be by someone else's hand either. It would be by yours. I've tried in the  past. Just in total dispare. Mental anguish. And I've had ppl tell me it was selfish. I understand you just wanting the pain to stop but as I've heard this too shall pass. It's not easy by an means. But you HAVE TO keep on keeping on.  For them. Take it day by day and if that doesn't work hour by hour. Sometimes I have to take it second by second but keep taking it a lil at a time. God is good and he will help you through this. Just breath and believe that there's a purpose for you being here. Even if it's just to smile at a total stranger for a few seconds and make them not do anything to harm themselves. We all have a purpose. Yours is to continue on now. I know it's hard without them. God knows how I know but you must continue on. 

And thank you for this, you've put it beautifully and I hope this message is something everyone considers carefully.  

[HDee]

Quote

 I know that sounds ludicrous, but maybe God has faith in me that I can grow and handle it with His help?  That's how I view it.  Anyway the book is "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." Rabbi Harold Kushner

I have read this book many times over the years.  It has definitely helped me.

[KayC]

One of the best books I've read, the words he spoke come to me over 20 years later...

[Goforth860]

I've got that one ordered through the library. I have gotten a cpl off a thrift book store also. I'm hoping to get some reading help. I've got a grief workbook with coping skills meditation exercises and other things coming soon