Pity

[HDee]

I don't like when people pity me or feel sorry for me.  I get a lor of that because I lost my husband and son within four years.  "Oh, you've suffered a lot" and "I don't know how you do it."  My neighbor calls periodically to "check" on me and starts the conversation with "How are you doing because you know, you're by yourself, alone in the house, no one to talk to."  Why wouId someone remind me of that?  I don't get angry, I understand it's well-meaning...but it makes me feel worse. 

My self-pity comes and goes.  What I really need from people is just a little positivity now and then.

Anyone else feel this way?

 

[widower2]

I get what you're saying, but in my case, people disappeared and nobody checked on me at all really, and "friends" disappeared...and I do live alone and the pain of her loss was bad enough, but living alone and hearing from no one was just salt in the wound, so as you pointed out, it is well meaning and I'd try to keep that uppermost in mind. I would have been glad to have people think enough of me that they made the effort to reach out, even if they didn't do it in the most elegant of ways (for example, yes, I agree it's stupid to say "you're all by yourself" well duh Capt Obvious, thanks for sharing). I know it's easier said than done, but try to focus on the intent, not the fumbling way it comes out. Just my .02 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, HDee said:

"How are you doing because you know, you're by yourself, alone in the house, no one to talk to."  Why wouId someone remind me of that?  I don't get angry, I understand it's well-meaning...but it makes me feel worse. 

Of course it does!  People don't think how their words come across, it comes out like diarrhea of the mouth or something, yes they feel for you but no they don't think about how it might feel or come across to YOU!  We don't need reminded of what's hard in our lives. 

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

in my case, people disappeared

Yep, me too, Widower.  My two best friends didn't even show up for his funeral!  Not besties anymore!  I'm very much alone and well aware of it.  

[widower2]

I'm so sorry Kay. How horrible. My best friend's sister (I grew up with his whole family...they are/were like a second family to me) didn't phone or even send a token card, nothing. What the hell is wrong with people? tbh I half hope that I bump into one of our "friends" to see them do this fakey hi how have you been so I can rip them a new one....but maybe just as well.

I have made some new friends though...maybe you could do the same somehow? 

[Dragonfly999]

The pity thing is tough. I wish people would stop looking at me like I have three heads when I go out to eat alone. It seems an odd thing here as a woman, but men who are alone don’t seem to get questioned by it. I had someone yesterday inquire, “well are you sure someone won’t be joining you?” Yeah, pretty sure, thanks for asking?? And man, the second you cry in public, people want to comp your bill. Now I appreciate the gesture and I totally understand they’re just trying to do something to help, I get it, but I can pay my own way and it makes me feel like I’m not allowed to cry in public or people think I’m after something when I’m just legitimately hit with a wave of grief that I can’t control.

It’s hard to make new friends when you’re young. Most women my age have young kids at home, family life, etc. Calling someone up to hang out or go hiking or even get lunch is a no deal and if they even want to, it’s like two weeks away to set a date. There’s no “I feel especially bad today, is anyone around to help.” 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

I have made some new friends though...maybe you could do the same somehow? 

I did, I made a best friend, she was in my life for ten years, we really connected, could talk about anything, did activities together, etc.  Then she moved to TX to remarry.  That was seven years ago, I've had no such connection since but did make some how do you put it, shallower friends, not that they're shallow but the friendship not as deep, but I built a life for myself with regular activities, etc...something I could live with and do...then Covid came along and knocked everything I'd built down.  Back to square one only now I'm older, it's not as easy, life is more complicated with physical tolls, etc.  I find myself wanting to hibernate more with my puppy.

5 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

There’s no “I feel especially bad today, is anyone around to help.” 

It's not just with the young, but the old also.  I have no one who really cares anymore.  I miss my sister. (03/28/22)

[DWS]

21 minutes ago, KayC said:

I've had no such connection since but did make some how do you put it, shallower friends, not that they're shallow but the friendship not as deep...

This is now what's really missing in my life without Tom by my side. My last close friend who knew the real me died 16 months ago. Marina and I had been friends for 25 years...same age, same childhood memories and traumas. I know that she would be that one sincere person to count on and help me work through this grief. Now I'm left with "shallower" friends who have to question my reasoning on certain things and I'm at times too weak to explain. 

[widower2]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

I built a life for myself with regular activities, etc...something I could live with and do...then Covid came along and knocked everything I'd built down.  Back to square one only now I'm older, it's not as easy, life is more complicated with physical tolls, etc.  I find myself wanting to hibernate more with my puppy.

   I hope you can re-energize somehow! I have to talk myself into it sometimes as well, it's just so much easier to "hibernate"....but IMO it's worth it to get out as much as reasonably possible. Those walls can be sneaky how they close in. 

[KayC]

I don't know, it seems the more interaction I have with people, the more they demand from me and I feel depleted.  I have my hands full taking care of Kodie and I and my place.  For instance I have to take care of Jazzy for over a week this month, it'll mean going back and forth between our places, as I will eat and sleep at home (they don't allow dogs on furniture and Kodie and I like our cuddle time at night, he won't understand me making him stay down).  This will be a pain.  They never leave her unattended in their house or yard.  It's ridiculous.