Adrift in grief.

[TracyR]

I lost everyone I cared about. My family; mother, father and brother, daughter, grandson , mate and best friend and soul mate. My mind wanders when it is not in the abyss of despair. Therapy helps, meds helped for a while and not at all anymore. This year I spent every holiday alone. Within ten years I lost everyone, parents, ten year mate, best friend , my only child an adult daughter and grandson. The pain came in waves, then stuffed in corners I keep far out of reach, I have to come at this in bits, tiny bites of anger, denial, fear, helplessness, hopelessness, bargaining, suicidal thoughts with no plan , on to hope and acceptance. My grief has no order, they all visit me randomly or when i can handle them, bits and pieces.I talk about the people I lost to other friends but feel like Debbie Downer, so often I keep my agony to myself. I finally got some peace with some holistic measures, glimmers of hope are possible, but then , out of nowhere, the tidal waves of pain drag my under , drowning in pain feels inevitable in those moments, sometimes days and even months of immobile thoughts. When my best friend killed herself I screamed and screamed, felt as if a giant piece of concrete fell sideways off my body, a giant weight of pain and walls , leaving me with no defenses.  When my brother died suddenly I broke glasses on the driveway and crumpled. When I lost my daughter and grandson in the wildfires, I died . I died a million deaths. The final blow, how much is one supposed to bear?
God has nothing to do with death. If he/it did, it would not happen, what a cruel taskmaster to ask me to bear this? Why not save them? My God is negligent, lazy and callous, I abandoned that creature.

Now, I take every day as it appears, if it is sunny I work in the yard, plant flowers, herbs and vegetables, create wildflower meadows on my land, places to see and smell the perfume of life. My other friends and niece and sister in law of my dead brother invite me to holidays, I usually say no, and stay home alone. I buy presents for friends and my daughter and grandson , then pack them away in a box in the eaves of the house, silly and irrational, presents they will never open, but to have nothing under the tree is too much agony then to think of them, imagine them opening packages of their desires, a toy, a pair of handmade silver earings or a set of pearls for her jewelry box, she loved pearls. i make the huge Christmas meal, all the italian desserts, treats, I watch our traditional Christmas Eve film, "A Christmas Carol" and put out the plate of treats we ate every Christmas Eve. Chips, dips, homemade cookies, salsa and Nachos, cheese and crackers, nibbles and hot chocolate, she liked Swiss Miss, I made homemade Cocoa for me. We all got what we wanted. I stuff the stockings and look forward to the memories of Christmas morning and a few hours of everyone opening their stockings while I put the coffee on and make fried dough boys, put out the cranberry and the  banana nut breads. 
Outsiders must think me crazy, the crazy lady with the Saint Bernard and three cats who spends her holidays alone, cooking feasts then freezing the leftovers in one person portion sizes for a rainy day . I simmer the Turkey soup, my daughters favorite, the smell of that simmering on the stove she told me once, made it all feel like Christmas and comfort all over again.

Maybe in heaven she smells it simmering? I hope so. I pray she did not suffer, that kills me again to wonder about that. The same for the baby. I melt into the abyss when I think of him.

 

I am not looking for advice, sympathy or suggestions. Actually, I have no idea what I need. Mostly, I feel like a ghost. Once in a brief while, a spring day will make me smile and for a second or two , everyone who is gone from this earth, is not my very first thought. Lately I have been talking with them in my head as I used to when they were here. Letting go comes in whispers through my mind then I put every emotion I have and bury them so deep , I can go on for another day. Adrift is the overall feeling and ghost like. I died in all their deaths, somewhere I got lost on the side of too many roads. I moved to Vermont from Oregon, bought a tiny house, sold the giant one, brought my three cats cross country and just adopted a Saint Bernard. He is also grieving the loss of his previous owner who was too ill to take care of him. We are both insecure and stay close to one another. We seem to have an understanding. When I come home from food shopping , one of my only outlets, his wagging tail of joy to see me greets me. There is a special quality about dogs who spontaneously show you how much you mean to them. His wagging tail and big furry hugs, he is very affectionate, make the day bearable.
I have no advice to offer, the only one I could offer is  never harm yourself. There has to be a reason we are all here on Earth, maybe my presence and story would  give you reason to hang on. Reason to know, so far, despite the maelstrom of grief after grief after grief, I manage to get through a day with a few smiles that cross my face.

[Valerie Lockhart]

Dear TracyR,

I'm so sorry for your losses. I truly understand the way you feel; for, I too have lost all of my close loved ones. I agree with you that God is not the cause of our suffering and death. I've found from my Bible studies that suffering was never part of God’s purpose for humans. Suffering began when the first two humans chose a course of independence. But this does not mean that the human race is doomed to a cycle of endless suffering. What helps me to cope with my many losses is knowing that God is not indifferent to our pain and sorrow. The scriptures that I found helpful are:

“[God] has not despised nor loathed the suffering of the oppressed one; he has not hidden his face from him. When he cried to him for help, he heard.”—PSALM 22:24.

“Throw all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.”—1 PETER 5:7.

I'm also comforted knowing that suffering will not continue indefinitely. The Bible promises that God’s purpose for us will be realized. One of my favorite scriptures is:

“God . . . will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore.”—REVELATION 21:3, 4.

I've also learned that Christ Jesus has been appointed by God to “bring to nothing the one having the means to cause death, that is, the Devil.” (Hebrews 2:14) Jesus proclaimed: “There is a judging of this world; now the ruler of this world will be cast out.” (John 12:31) He will “break up the works of the Devil” by removing the Devil’s influence from world affairs. (1 John 3:8) Imagine how different human society will be when the Devil’s spirit of greed, corruption, and selfishness is eliminated! 

Imagine living in a world free of suffering—a world without crime, warfare, sickness, and natural disasters. Imagine waking up every morning without having to worry about discrimination, oppression, or economic uncertainty. Does all of this sound too good to be true? Granted, no human or man-made organization can bring about such conditions. But I've found that God has promised to do away with all causes of human suffering, including death. I trust that God will keep His word, because it is "impossible" for God to lie. (Hebrews 6:18).

I hope my message offers you some comfort and hope for the future. 

[reader]

Dear Tracy,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and experience with us. I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through

Thinking of you. x

[KityD]

Thank you for sharing your story. So much of what you say resonates with me. Within a 4 1/2 month period I lost my father, an uncle, a cousin, a close friend, and my sister. I get what you mean when you say you feel like a ghost and that you talk to them as if there were still here. I do the same thing. It's actually made me question my sanity here lately. I wish I had some profound wisdom to share with you, something that would make it all seem a bit more bearable. But I don't and for that I'm sorry. All that I can hope for you is what I hope for myself - I wish you peace.