It's been five years

[Carol Klotz]

I was married on May 1, 1992. On June 30, 2017, my husband died, in the ICU of the hospital from multiple organ failure. He was not conscious. I was at his bedside when he died, along with his brother. I should have gone with his brother to the funeral home, to make the funeral arrangements, but for some reason, I did not. My husband was a Vietnam veteran, was a marine who had served in Vietnam. I was proud of his service. I knew his funeral would have full military honors. I trusted his brother to let me know the date of the funeral. The problem was, his brother never informed me of the date of the funeral, or even where it was to be held. The funeral home was not given my phone number which, as his wife, should have been done. My brother-in-law was called to be informed of the date and place of the funeral, but he did not call me, and to this day, I don't know when the funeral was held. My husband was buried at Fort Indiantown Gap Cemetery, a national military cemetery in Pennsylvania. My brother-in-law knew I no longer had a car, but did not offer to give me a ride to the funeral. I missed it, and I did not get the flag that is given to the next of kin, which was me. I did not witness the 21 gun salute or the playing of Taps. I was entitled to be there for all of that, my husband's final resting place. To this day I am angry that I was not given the chance to be there. I have never had the chance to visit my husband's grave site, which is 100 miles from where I live. I am upset about this. I am going to try to find someone who will drive me to Indiantown Gap Cemetery. I found my husband on find-a-grave.com, where there is a photo of his gravesite. I want to visit my husband at his burial site. I miss him very much.

[Ronni_W]

Dear Carol,

I am sorry for your added trauma and stress that your thoughtless and insensitive BiL brought upon you. (I'm sure that he was going through his own crap, but still, he was thoughtless and insensitive against you.)

I have no idea about the 'official/governmental stuff' of what I'm about to offer/suggest. Is there an office that you might be able to contact, and see if there is some 'special compassionate dispensation' whereby you might be able to be presented with...I dunno...at least the flag? (I fully realize that it may feel like 'small and cold comfort', so I'm just offering it in case it will make a difference for you.)

I would be equally angry (and also hurt) to not have been included in, and to have missed, any celebration/ceremony that recognized my own (late) husband in such a tangible way. I really don't know how I would deal with it today, because, obviously, I'd not today, or ever in this lifetime, be able to "go back" and be there. I don't know, and I don't know.. I don't know if I would be able to get okay enough to just 'embrace' (is that an okay word?) every single time I see/witness a 21-gun salute and/or hear 'Taps' -- whether on YouTube or in some movie or at some other widow/widower's marine/military funeral. I don't know, Carol.

For me, whether five years or fifty...it is perfectly okay to just feel how we feel.

Since my own husband went missing (out of his own choice; not a military reason), I also have not had any contact with any of his family -- but, as far as I've been able to do for myself, they don't even deserve my anger, is how little importance I've been able to give to them. I still do miss them -- my step-sons and step-grandchildren and 'second mom' -- but. eff it and eff them. Right? (Sometimes this line of reasoning/thinking works for me...and/but...sometimes it does not. And so I just have to get okay with all of these 'inner conflicts and contradictions' that I have within my own self, for my own self. I just know that I cannot give them [or ANY other people or 'grief experts'] any more power over me than I can or want to handle).

Love and hugs,   Ronni

Edited May 30, 2022 by Ronni_W
Clarification, and grammatical errors

[KayC]

I cannot even imagine the thoughtlessness and inconsideration of this!  Have you contacted the funeral home?  I am so sorry!  This is beyond comprehension..  I'm sure your husband would be greatly distressed by this if he knew.  The Bible says there's no more tears in heaven, so maybe they're protected from knowing some things somehow, not sure how that works but I trust in it. To your broken heart, I am so so sorry.  I wish I lived there so I could have driven you, you need someone to take you there so you can see your grave.  You might call the funeral home and find out if anyone got a video of it.  You should have gotten the flag.  I'm glad you were with your husband when he died, even if in a coma they sometimes here (my sister was in one 4 1/2 months, she said she was aware of people there and heard them, just couldn't respond).  My closest sister just died two months ago yesterday, she also died asleep in her chair so am glad she was spared the pain.  I'm responding as I read this, now I see you found the cemetery and site, I'm so glad you have that!  I hope you can go soon.

You have found a good place to be, we "get it" and understand, even though details vary, there's similarities in what we go through, enough to relate to each other.  This is like a grief family, all of us going through this together.  Three weeks from yesterday is Father's Day, 17 years since the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend passed, five days past his 51st birthday.  We had only been married a few years but they were the best years of our lives!  I love and miss him still, I will the rest of my life..

I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post, it helps.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[PLin]

Carol,

That is so sad. I cannot imagine how terrible it made you feel to be ignored in that cruel way. My heart breaks for you. If I lived closer I'd drive you to the cemetery myself. 

 

Much love,

Lin

[tnd]

On 5/29/2022 at 2:58 PM, Carol Klotz said:

I am going to try to find someone who will drive me to Indiantown Gap Cemetery. I found my husband on find-a-grave.com, where there is a photo of his gravesite. I want to visit my husband at his burial site. I miss him very much.

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry that you didn't get to attend your husband's funeral. There doesn't seem to be any excuse for anyone not to tell you when/where it would be. Again, I'm sorry this happened to you. Being a military family, both you and your husband deserve a heartfelt "thank you" for your service and the sacrifices you made for our country.