Members Popular Post MarcHannah18 Posted May 27, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 27, 2022 I don’t know how I’m going to start this. But all I know is I’m not okay. A few months have passed since when the two people I love died and I still can't fully imagine that this is happening. Why me? Others think it's easy to move on or move forward in this situation because they think I can handle it all. But I don't really know and I also can't promise how long I can handle it. Not in the way you think I'm going to end my life. I don't know how long my health, my heart, my brain, my emotions will be able to handle all the events. Yes, I have in mind that I need to continue because I still have children, mom, and siblings. But why in my heart there seems to be something really missing. My wife and my father was gone. I can’t quite imagine that I would experience it this soon. What sin have I committed so the heaven was not in favor with me? Is God punishing me? I was just wondering if I had become a bad person? It's so heavy, exhausting, disgusting to everything, exhausting my whole being, I can't explain how much pain or heaviness I feel but even if I explain it you also can't fully understand because you are not in my situation or you are not in my condition. But I hope you don't experience it and go through it because no matter how strong and resilient a person is when you are tested by this situation, you also don't know how you will feel. It's easy to tell a grieving person that you can move on as time goes on. Simply say and advise because they think that when something is lost in your life, there will also be a replacement. But the people you love in life are not something that when lost you just replace. They don't know how much you love them, they don't know what you're with, they don't know what that person's role was in your life especially if that person is one of the reasons how your personality was shaped, if how did you get to where you are now, how did you face every trial in life without giving up, how did you enjoy simple things as long as you were with them, how did you love and be loved, how did you learn more to be a good person. They have become a part of your life and personality that no other person can match or replace. Sometimes others will even say that I need to consult a doctor or take medicine. But not everything can be cured by medicine and specialists. It is not a fever or a headache that when you take the medicine it will heal immediately. They also don't know how to feel because they are not in my situation to say that. What do they know and how will they feel when their spouse and father died at the same time and your father's death was a traumatic experience. The feeling that you see your wife, the person you chose and married because he is the one you want to be with forever who is dying and losing his breath right before your eyes even though he still wants to fight to live, how heartbreaking is that? You used to think of growing up together and seeing and monitoring the growth of your children, to have your own home and live a simple but happy life as long as you are whole and complete with your family, that would have been my simple dream. Dreams are now deprived by destiny. You will say that I can still fulfill that dream because my two children are still there and maybe I will meet someone and get married again. That's easy to say, isn't it? that's easy to advise. I would not want my children to have another mother because their own mother’s love for them is unmatched by anyone. Nothing can be measured. Then my wife is unmatched by anyone in all aspects, that's why she is the one I chose to marry and be with forever. I love him dearly and no matter what happens to him I will still choose to love him even for the next lifetime. And when my father died because he committed suicide that I don't know the reason, it was very painful, it was as if half of my life had died too. I love my Dad as much as I love my Mom. I am grateful for how my Mom raised me. I became a responsible person, God -fearing, respectful and respectful of others, I learned to value what I had, I learned to stand on my own two feet, I learned to work hard and not to waste my life. Thank you my Father. If it weren't for you I wouldn't be where I am today. But it is sad to think that when I face the future they are gone, I will no longer be with them. There would have been more plans, there would have been happier events in life that would have been with them, there would have been more dreams to be fulfilled, it would have been sad that when my children grow up they no longer have their real mother. Really disappointing, exhausting, my hopes and dreams about the future were suddenly torn apart. Life is really short; we don't know when God will take us. There is no certainty in human life. No assurance. Nothing permanent. Everything will be lost. Everything will end. But even though I know that's how life really is, I'm here now with many questions why is this happening? Why is it so early for me to experience all this? Sometimes really life is unfair. You thought everything was okay in an instant it’s like a bubble that will disappear. Gradually take steps to face tomorrow but hopefully my health and heart will not give in to the weight of what it carries. I have heard a lot of advice from family and friends but a person is not like a computer that when they command, it can follow everything they want you to do. The human heart and emotions cannot be controlled by anyone. What is the sense of a hundred heartbeats per second without the person that makes it worth beating for? My only prayer is that God will give me more strength to face tomorrow for my family. And I know that one day in due time I will meet my wife and my Dad again together with God. Thank you for reading my letter. I hope you are doing well. God Bless and be safe. 2 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 27, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted May 27, 2022 I am feeling for you, I know the feelings all too well, it seems I've lost everyone close to me...husband, Arlie (dog), parents, grands, aunts/uncles, cousins, countless pets & friends, niece and nephew, and now two sisters, including my closest and most recent one. I'm growing old alone. It means a lot be be able to come here and share openly, as you guys are the one place I can come to where people "get it." You all understand, no judgment, no one expecting anything, just caring and understanding...and we're all in the same boat, regardless of variety of details/circumstances. 10 hours ago, MarcHannah18 said: Dreams are now deprived by destiny. I'm not sure how I feel about "destiny" as it implies we have no choices and nothing we do makes a difference. Yes, some things are out of our hands, but how we respond does make a difference. I don't know why some get to live to old age together and others of us...it's yanked away seemingly prematurely. I no longer question as I never got any resounding answers to my WHY! 10 hours ago, MarcHannah18 said: Sometimes really life is unfair. Absolutely! Sometimes I think our parents (and us with our kids) did us a a disservice, bending over backwards to be 'fair" when in reality it ill prepared us for the reality of life...it is anything BUT fair! We can let it embitter us or we can just accept it is what it is. I've chosen the latter as it seems healthier to me. I don't want to carry anger, bitterness, etc. as I've seen what it does to people. Sometimes we go through the emotions and it takes a while to get through to the other side. Part of the process. 10 hours ago, MarcHannah18 said: My only prayer is that God will give me more strength to face tomorrow He gives us strength for today...this day, this moment...hence I've learned to do one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own. I believe that. So I stick to today. 10 hours ago, MarcHannah18 said: What is the sense of a hundred heartbeats per second without the person that makes it worth beating for? I guess the only answer I've found for that is that I am worth it. It took me a while to realize that. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post steveb Posted May 27, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 27, 2022 KayC, thank God you post and give us all your advice and insight. I hope MarcHannah18 can get some much needed comfort from your words. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ronni_W Posted May 30, 2022 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2022 (edited) MarcHannah18, No. It is not that our One True God is punishing you, or that you ‘committed’ such a 'grave sin' (or number of 'grave sins') against our One True God, No, you have not become “such a bad person”. You are asking these questions because you know your own God, and because you know that none of your/my/our current pain, suffering and anguish comes from your/my/our God. You already sense this, yes? But. Regardless of what is going on here on Earth right now (including Russia-Ukraine war; refugee camps; floods, typhoons and fires), we still do need to just be able to find/have our own trust, confidence and faith in our own True God, and, for the present time on Earth, we need to find our own strength to make that be enough. I know that it is extremely difficult and challenging. I know. I know that it is not you (or me, or all of the people in Ukraine as a collective), and that it is not that you have done (or I have done, or the people in Ukraine have done) anything so 'wrong' or violent or brutal against our God. It is not that; it is something else. Our One True God Bless you, and our one True God Give you the strength to just keep fighting until you come to your personal point where God Is Your Victory. (He needs us, right now, to just keep fighting to keep our own trust, confidence and faith in Him.) Obviously I've also been questioning all of your questions, about my own self. Or, at least, hopefully that is obvious. Love and hugs, Ronni Edited May 30, 2022 by Ronni_W Clarification Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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