Anger and grief

[Poppy_poppy]

Hello everyone and thank you for reading me. 
I lost my bf by suicide two years ago.
Grieving changed me a lot. I became embittered and selfish. All the past grudges that I thought were forgotten came out, I feel like I'm just looking for reasons to hate everyone and erase them all from my life. I can't find peace, instead of having sweet thoughts for my beloved deceased friend, I have anger and hatred. I keep blaming myself for becoming like this. 

I also struggle a lot with ptsd and I avoid everything that recalls me of the death. I think I accepted the fact that he will never be here again, but I could not accept the one of being abandonned. I seek to completely cut off contact with my past. I don't even have the courage to go and see my parents because the last time I saw them was before the death, and everything that comes before it is too painful for me to bear. The fact that my family doesn't share my griefing makes it worse because it feels like everything is in my head and I should not be like this. I feel lost. What advice can you give me to overcome this ?

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  I'm so sorry you are going through both grief and trauma.  I can barely imagine the shock of losing your love to suicide.  I have no doubt that compounds every feeling even more.  The sad truth is that profound grief changes us.  It changes how we think, our idea of our "self," the way we go through our days and nights, every thought, our future, and even our perception of the past.  In this, you are not alone.

Anger is a huge part of it, again no doubt even more so with the trauma of suicide.  I recall other members who lost their loves that way saying that one of the hard things is feeling love and anger and confusion and despair all at the same time.  Of being so angry that their love for each other wasn't enough, yet missing and still loving their person intensely.  It's not surprising that you have PTSD.  Have you sought or received counseling/therapy? Two years is a long time to feel you are in the same place or, if I understand correctly, worse than you were at first.  This is generally considered complicated grief and often needs professional, intense assistance.  I do not say this to "pass the buck" or anything like that.  I say it only because the level of grief and everything related to it that you are living with is beyond my own experiences.

I wish I knew the right thing to say.  Feeling lost is also typical.  Separating yourself from everything that reminds you of the past may not be helping, though only you can decide that.  Is it possible that reaching out might help in the long run?  Of course no one can know how you feel or fully understand, so that can be hard too.  But you might find more support and comfort than you expect.

I hope that members who have "been there" in living with loss because of suicide might respond, but you could also do a forum search specifically for that and some of their previous discussions might come up.  They do understand all the complexities that go along with it.

One thing you need to know is that you have found a safe place.  You can talk, read, rant, question, and even "scream" if that helps.  We do not judge each other; we try to comfort and share what we can to help each other on this unwelcome, excruciatingly painful journey.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss!  It may have been a couple of years, but our loss takes much longer than that just to process.  Often those around us want us to appear happy/normal because it'd make THEM more comfortable!  But this isn't about them, it's about us and our journey, and sometimes we have to focus on ourselves first, learn to be our own best friend now that ours has passed, learn to value ourselves, be understanding, patient and kind to ourselves.  

We don't get through this by denying our grief (avoidance) as it will hunt us down and find us!  One man I remember got hit hard 20 YEARS after losing his fiance to death!  By then he was married and had a family, they didn't know what was going on!  We can only avoid so long.  Keeping busy, drinking, whatever one's avoidance tool...it merely puts off the inevitable.  If it's hard to function (work, etc.), you can mete it out like this article suggests: 
Dosing Crying Time in Grief

It seems to me that suicide survivors have a whole extra layer to deal with, it's very hard!  There are organizations out there to help.  (Please see the countless links listed at the end of articles)
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide
Spouse's Suicide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Ronni_W]

Poppy_poppy,

Anger is part of the process of grieving.

If you are reading this, won't you please trust this community enough? I know that it is scary. (I posted, enough of a long time ago, in a different sub-forum on this site, about 'anger and grief' -- but even people who are still in the throes of grief, or experienced their own loss more than a decade ago, are still afraid to deal with 'anger'. Or, at least, based on that there isn't a single post in response, would suggest to me that they are still afraid to deal with their own anger about their own loss.)

If you cannot find the support that you need for your feelings of anger here, that is, of course, fine and perfect for you. Keep searching. My own traumatic loss isn't/wasn't through exact suicide, but look-up that, and 'traumatic grief' and 'complicated grief'. And, I truly hope that you will find something that will be of real comfort. (Forget, for the moment, about 'volunteer work'. Focus on your own Self, your own needs. There is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with being inward-focused for as long as you need to be -- by which I mean be self-loving and self-affirming, and not the negatives of that.)

Edited to add: And also, of course, look up about PTSD. (For me, I'm finding a lot of good stuff in the book 'The Grieving Brain', by neuroscientist Mary-Frances O'Connor.)

Love and hugs, Ronni