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Suicidal thoughts


1050_harley

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1050_harley

So I am not sure how to explain what I feel right now and have been feeling the past few weeks but I will try my best to express my thoughts and feelings and I know this place isn't a place of judgment. 

I'm sick of talking about my wife and her death and how much that has messed me up so I'm going to talk about suicide thoughts this may just seem like random venting and it may make no sense but it is what I think and feel.

So for the past few weeks I've been going through this crazy cycle of either really bad mood swings and I start swearing and cussing at myself it's like subconsciously I can't help it but then I break I fully break and I cry and then I'd isolate myself to my space where I want to be alone but then tell at myself cause I don't want to be lonely but then I get extremely depressed and suicidal thoughts come into it- I told my psych a while ago exactly how I would kill myself if I ever did, that I was going to disappear into the sticks where nobody will ever find me and tie a rope high up in a tree and around my neck and simply just fall from the overhanging branch hoping it kills me instantly. I feel like life is just a game but I'm wounded so much that I don't think I'll recover my health fully. I feel like I've had nothing but bad luck and that maybe this is my time to let go. 

I feel like I can't make anyones life better or my own no matter what I do so maybe I genuinely have no place in this world. I feel like I'm rodent who does not deserve life or happiness I don't even know what happiness is anymore it's all about bad dreams, tears and useless psych medication that makes me feel like every day I'm just digging myself a hole deeper and deeper and deeper.

I have thought about finding someone to hook me up with a piece (gun) just to quickly and painlessly shoot myself in the head. I've given my all to fight back my demons and now they've won that is what I feel.. like I'm walking down this dark, cold, lonely road with no possible end in sight. But when I think about suicide I feel like that will be my only cure or like I said a rope tied around my neck way out in the bush and high up in a tree. I used to think I'm just having issues accepting change but I believe it's way more than that. I believe I'm simply just too broken and my fragile body frame is like a puzzle board that has so many missing pieces that it'll never look the same even if I were to manage to be able to put myself back together. Then I think about god and the fact that I am a Christian yet I have demons tattood all over my body how does that work? I pray to god I pray that when I die I may lay in the arms of my wife once more but then another thing kicks in like what is after death ? Realistically nothing just blackness for eternity forever. 

My head is so screwed up that I wish and beg for death in my sleep every night that is no normal way to live life. 

So all my thoughts and my feelings always falls back to being suicidal. And it all sums up to the fact that I'm afraid I'm afraid of dying but I'm also afraid of living. I hate life I hate breathing.

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1050_harley

So I am not sure how to explain what I feel right now and have been feeling the past few weeks but I will try my best to express my thoughts and feelings and I know this place isn't a place of judgment. 

I'm sick of talking about my wife and her death and how much that has messed me up so I'm going to talk about suicide thoughts this may just seem like random venting and it may make no sense but it is what I think and feel.

So for the past few weeks I've been going through this crazy cycle of either really bad mood swings and I start swearing and cussing at myself it's like subconsciously I can't help it but then I break I fully break and I cry and then I'd isolate myself to my space where I want to be alone but then tell at myself cause I don't want to be lonely but then I get extremely depressed and suicidal thoughts come into it- I told my psych a while ago exactly how I would kill myself if I ever did, that I was going to disappear into the sticks where nobody will ever find me and tie a rope high up in a tree and around my neck and simply just fall from the overhanging branch hoping it kills me instantly. I feel like life is just a game but I'm wounded so much that I don't think I'll recover my health fully. I feel like I've had nothing but bad luck and that maybe this is my time to let go. 

I feel like I can't make anyones life better or my own no matter what I do so maybe I genuinely have no place in this world. I feel like I'm rodent who does not deserve life or happiness I don't even know what happiness is anymore it's all about bad dreams, tears and useless psych medication that makes me feel like every day I'm just digging myself a hole deeper and deeper and deeper.

I have thought about finding someone to hook me up with a piece (gun) just to quickly and painlessly shoot myself in the head. I've given my all to fight back my demons and now they've won that is what I feel.. like I'm walking down this dark, cold, lonely road with no possible end in sight. But when I think about suicide I feel like that will be my only cure or like I said a rope tied around my neck way out in the bush and high up in a tree. I used to think I'm just having issues accepting change but I believe it's way more than that. I believe I'm simply just too broken and my fragile body frame is like a puzzle board that has so many missing pieces that it'll never look the same even if I were to manage to be able to put myself back together. Then I think about god and the fact that I am a Christian yet I have demons tattood all over my body how does that work? I pray to god I pray that when I die I may lay in the arms of my wife once more but then another thing kicks in like what is after death ? Realistically nothing just blackness for eternity forever. 

My head is so screwed up that I wish and beg for death in my sleep every night that is no normal way to live life. 

So all my thoughts and my feelings always falls back to being suicidal. And it all sums up to the fact that I'm afraid I'm afraid of dying but I'm also afraid of living. I hate life I hate breathing.

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1 hour ago, 1050_harley said:

what is after death ? Realistically nothing just blackness for eternity forever.

Nobody can say that for sure. There's a ton of evidence out there that suggests consciousness survives the death of the physical body. Check out Jeffery Mishlove's award winning essay at the Bigelow Institute on evidence for the survival of consciousness after physical death. You'll be quite amazed at the evidence, and how outstanding the essay is. Approach it with an open mind and it might change you forever, give you renewed hope, and soothe your grief. 

Anyway, one question I always ask people who are in the same aggrieved situation that you're in: why haven't you killed yourself? I don't ask that in a mocking way at all. I'm genuinely interested in the reason why you (or indeed anybody) haven't killed yourself. What stops you? There's a reason you haven't. It'd be good to share it. 

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Hi there. In your post, I sensed you have hope and pray you continue to hold onto that. As you do, I pray and talk to God and ask Him to give me comfort and to console me on my hardest days. I’ll say a prayer for you to be lifted up with encouragement, so that you may realize your worth and value. Keep your head up.

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11 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

I have thought about finding someone to hook me up with a piece (gun) just to quickly and painlessly shoot myself in the head.

This is a common feeling in early grief, not so much that we WANT to be dead but we do not want to go through what we need to go through to live!  We do not like our choices!  I figured with my luck instead of killing me, it'd leave me a vegetable for the rest of my life.  Also, I believe in God/eternity, what's to come.  I don't think suicide lands you in hell, but the thought of "What if I'm wrong?!" was enough to not want to gamble all eternity on this one action.  And what it would do to my family.  I don't want to lay on anyone else what I am going through, dealing with loss/grief!

Vent away here, we're listening.  But please don't turn these thoughts into actions!  Any regrets then would be irreversible.

Sending you caring thoughts and prayers for your healing...I know it takes time but it can come even if you can't see it.  Hold on for the day you can be together again, it'll be worth the wait, I promise you.:wub:

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10 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

I just don’t want to jeopardize being with him again.

Amen to that!

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10 hours ago, Steve79 said:

There's a ton of evidence out there that suggests consciousness survives the death of the physical body.

I have physically died twice and been brought back, yet at those times (both times) I made conscious thought to continue here, the first time to raise my kids, the second time to take care of my pets.  The first time was when my BP was high and they drew my blood anyway (blood bank donation), they lost me.  I was above them, I could see my kids turning white as they were working on my lifeless body.  The second time was when I was being operated on and my heart stopped.  They were frantically giving me compressions to the chest to restart my heart (they'd over-anesthetized me) blood squirting everywhere!  My heart kept stopping for two hours after that.  It was my thoughts of Arlie and Kitty that made me go back into my body.

There is no doubt the spirit is separate and apart from the body.  Mine is but one testament, there are countless others who have experienced what they call (a misnomer if you ask me) an NDE for lack of other word.  To me, it was not a NEAR death experience, it was a DEATH experience!  I don't know that we always get a choice, but in my case/s, I did.

My sister recently died, I know she didn't want to live...it happened very quickly as she'd wanted, if she'd been given a choice, she'd have taken going to be with her husband.  She got her wish.  I'm relieved/happy for her, but sad for myself, I am missing her so much, but I've accepted this is best for her.  Sometimes when people died, we taken on THEIR pain in the form of grief.  In this sense, I feel I have.

10 hours ago, Steve79 said:

There's a reason you haven't. It'd be good to share it. 

 

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1050_harley

You guys are all very powerful speakers and I love you all for it. The amount of appreciation for true honest people (you guys) you's will never understand because I can't stand in front of you all and look you in the eyes and tell you your words are that powerful. I hate feeling guilty and regret and angry and sad and just about every emotion a human body can feel I hate it all. I regret not kissing my wife before she was rushed off to the hospital, instead when I did kiss her again she was cold freezing cold dead laying in a coffin fresh out of the Morgue I'll never forget that day ever. Regrets because my wife and I made a bucket list of everything we want to do in life before we died together in our bed of old age, only one thing was ticked off the list.... I feel sad because my wife is not here but I am still even to this day open my eyes each morning thinking she's beside me for real I cook extra food thinking she's gonna eat with me I sit here and just look at the door waiting for her to walk in... But I know she won't I seen her body she's gone. I'm gone. I'm messes up... Guys I'm in trouble I think. I'm on the edge of everything.

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14 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

Regrets because my wife and I made a bucket list of everything we want to do in life

Maybe you can do them for her and carry her with you as you do!  Talk to her.  Take her spirit with you.

14 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

But I know she won't I seen her body she's gone.

I too saw my husband's lifeless body, it's clear he wasn't there, his spirit lives on, but not in his physical body...that gave out, I believe with all my heart we get a new body after we die, I don't claim to know how it all works, it's a little beyond my brain to grasp, but I take it at face value and believe...it helps me.;)

 

14 hours ago, 1050_harley said:

I'm on the edge of everything.

.Thus describes the essence of our grief...it's like we've entered no man's land, no manual, no survival tools, no one to take our hand, and here we are, left trying to survive...

I pray you have people who care that support you.  Never forget, we are here, maybe far away in physicality but here, listening, caring...

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@MaddHollander  Thank you for sharing this.  I think it was meant to be the way it turned out...it's important to give ourselves time to process our grief so we can make it through to the other side, enough to see some daylight.  The first few years are tough indeed.

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10 hours ago, widower2 said:

I wanted to exit this cruel world...not that I wanted to die exactly

Exactly!  As I felt in those early times...

@1050_harley  I commend you for speaking openly here, it helps everyone who has had these feelings/thoughts.  Still thinking of you...

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Goforth860
On 5/25/2022 at 9:05 PM, 1050_harley said:

So I am not sure how to explain what I feel right now and have been feeling the past few weeks but I will try my best to express my thoughts and feelings and I know this place isn't a place of judgment. 

I'm sick of talking about my wife and her death and how much that has messed me up so I'm going to talk about suicide thoughts this may just seem like random venting and it may make no sense but it is what I think and feel.

So for the past few weeks I've been going through this crazy cycle of either really bad mood swings and I start swearing and cussing at myself it's like subconsciously I can't help it but then I break I fully break and I cry and then I'd isolate myself to my space where I want to be alone but then tell at myself cause I don't want to be lonely but then I get extremely depressed and suicidal thoughts come into it- I told my psych a while ago exactly how I would kill myself if I ever did, that I was going to disappear into the sticks where nobody will ever find me and tie a rope high up in a tree and around my neck and simply just fall from the overhanging branch hoping it kills me instantly. I feel like life is just a game but I'm wounded so much that I don't think I'll recover my health fully. I feel like I've had nothing but bad luck and that maybe this is my time to let go. 

I feel like I can't make anyones life better or my own no matter what I do so maybe I genuinely have no place in this world. I feel like I'm rodent who does not deserve life or happiness I don't even know what happiness is anymore it's all about bad dreams, tears and useless psych medication that makes me feel like every day I'm just digging myself a hole deeper and deeper and deeper.

I have thought about finding someone to hook me up with a piece (gun) just to quickly and painlessly shoot myself in the head. I've given my all to fight back my demons and now they've won that is what I feel.. like I'm walking down this dark, cold, lonely road with no possible end in sight. But when I think about suicide I feel like that will be my only cure or like I said a rope tied around my neck way out in the bush and high up in a tree. I used to think I'm just having issues accepting change but I believe it's way more than that. I believe I'm simply just too broken and my fragile body frame is like a puzzle board that has so many missing pieces that it'll never look the same even if I were to manage to be able to put myself back together. Then I think about god and the fact that I am a Christian yet I have demons tattood all over my body how does that work? I pray to god I pray that when I die I may lay in the arms of my wife once more but then another thing kicks in like what is after death ? Realistically nothing just blackness for eternity forever. 

My head is so screwed up that I wish and beg for death in my sleep every night that is no normal way to live life. 

So all my thoughts and my feelings always falls back to being suicidal. And it all sums up to the fact that I'm afraid I'm afraid of dying but I'm also afraid of living. I hate life I hate breathing.

 

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