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Grief & Healing from a Christian-Biblical Worldview


4everjoeysmom

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Claudia, thank you and bless you for trying to answer the most difficult question on my heart. From you, who knows this pain and agony I can hear your words and hold them close to my heart.From another who has not walked this way, I find it hard sometimes to connect with what they say, because how could they know the pain we live in? I will read and reread your thoughts and pray they will tkae root in my heart and God will  give me some measure of peace. That verse about seeing through a glass dimly has been on my mind today - isn't that strange?

To all of you on this site, thank you for reading, listening, sharing your journeys.

Much love

Anne

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4everjoeysmom

Dear Anne, I do know your pain.  I feel it in my own pain as well.  It's so hard to walk this journey and not feel forsaken, not being able to understand why God has taken, why He didn't spare us this incredible soul ache.  It is just our human nature to feel such things.  And it's so very hard.  I know.  My thoughts and prayers are with you as you meditate on things of the Lord and journey deeper into relationship with Him as you try to find His answers to your questions.  Bless you too, my friend.  Love, Claudia

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Hello all.  Back from church.  Wanted to write this morning, but didn't have time. 

Sonya, I'm so glad that you were so blessed when you went back to work.  When we are grieving, those first things are so hard, but I've learned it is so necessary to face them.  How wonderful it must have been to hear from people how Danielle touched so many people's lives.  She sounds like she was an amazing young woman!  I'm sure her life will continue to impact people's lives long after her entrance into Heaven.

Trish, I'm sorry to hear you had a rough night.  I thank you for praying for us all in the midst of your pain.  If we all can do that, we'll all be helped and supported - the broken helping the broken.

Anne, I've been in exactly your spot so many times.  There have been a lot of Sundays when I've stayed home to privately meditate (that was on the good days - on the bad days I just stayed in bed!) and try to hear God.  You ask and wrestle with such a hard question, one that I know all of us have raised to heaven.  And, of course, no one has a pat answer.  (I'd be suspicious if they thought it was a pat answer.)  Claudia's writing was so true.  (By the way, Claudia, you so often have just the right word for the moment.  Thank you for listening so closely to the Spirit and delivering His word at just the right moment.)  We do see in a mirror dimly, but some day we will see face to face.  We all think of these questions that trouble us and maybe even torture us from time to time.  I sometimes think, "When I get to Heaven, I'm gonna ask Jesus this or that."  Then I thought, "Probably when I get to Heaven, I'll be so lost in wonder, amazement and praise that all these things that have troubled me so much will just disappear!"  (By the way, I'm not immune from asking this question, either.  So many, many times I've wondered why my husband had to die at only 25 with a baby on the way who he would never see, she would never know him, etc., etc., but have to just trust the Heavenly Father that He knows what is best for each of us.)

Today in church, my husband's associate gave the message.  I thought it would be good to try to relate the main point.  Most of you probably heard on the news in early December of the shooting at New Life Church in Colorado Springs and the two sisters who were killed just as the service was ending.  They were getting in their family car when a lone gunman opened fire at random, killing both of them.  Others were injured, but they were killed.  The pastor of that church (the new pastor) is a good friend of Jack's associate, so he heard this story first hand from him.  After the shooting, the parents of the boy who had been the gunman were just devastated.  They were a strong Christian family.  In fact, this boy had even served on a Y-WAM tour.  But he was disturbed for some reason, which was why he had opened fire on the crowd as they left church that morning.  His parents, of course, his mother and father, were just devastated.  Not only did they lose their son (because he was killed by the security guard after he killed the two girls), but they had the shame of knowing that it was their son who had inflicted such hurt on innocent people.  They requested a meeting between the pastors of the church and the parents of the two girls who were killed.  The two sets of parents, together with the pastors of the church, wept and prayed together, and the parents of the girls released the boy's parents in forgiveness.  What a picture of the power of forgiveness!  They came to ask forgiveness, and they not only received it, but there was great healing that came out of it, for both sets of parents.  I know that each set of parents must have been asking the age-old questions, "Why, God?  Why did this happen?  Couldn't you have prevented it in some way?"  And that's a perfectly good question, one that we don't have the answer to in this life.  But only through Jesus can we see such healing take place.  I just wanted to share this story with all of you, not because it's a tear-jerker, not because you, Anna, were asking, "Why?", not because any of us are dealing with unforgiveness that I know of, but just because it illustrates the power of our Lord and His ability to take something so terrible and so tragic and bring good out of it.  Who knows the lives that this touched or will touch?  Just wanted to share it.

In closing (I guess it's my turn to be long-winded), I just want to mention that I, also, had a bad night last night.  Sometimes I still have insomnia, something I've struggled with for nearly 5 years now.  Most nights it isn't too bad, but last night I was awake most of the night.  That's when the questions and the dark thoughts are the worst.  So I would just like to ask you, my new friends, to also be in prayer for me about this.  And thanks in advance.  ~Oneta

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4everjoeysmom

Oneta, You can count on my prayers, Sister!

Off track--this morning we witnessed the miracle of new life when our Akita gave birth to 3 healthy puppies.  I've never had a dog before that's had puppies, so this was a first for me, and it felt so good to have a first that holds such a miracle in itself.  Ive attached one of the photos where Millie is so lovingly looking at her baby.  :)

 

post-16030-128153886974_thumb.jpg

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Claudia,

Amen to today's scripture quote. I just saw the new babies you're Akita had. Such precious puppies :-) I love this thread that you started and I feel very blessed to read such G-dly posts.

Blessings,

Diane

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4everjoeysmom

Thanks so much Diane.  I really feel blessed that so many are receiving blessings from those who share on this thread.

I was just pondering on the last part of that Scripture I posted earlier... "I shall fully know, as I have been fully known."  It makes me think how cool it will be that in Heaven we will be recognized as we have been fully known here...that brings me comfort.  I know the relationship between us and our family members will be different there.  They'll be perfected.  But what is so cool is that Joey will recognize me as he fully knew me as mom on Earth, and I will also be fully known as His sister in Christ in heaven.  It seems kind of too much to wrap my head around right now...  but he will know who I was here, and to know that, that will eternally never be forgotten....well, it just brings me comfort.  I love him so much, and I miss him more than I could ever express.  And I know you all feel the same way about your precious ones.  Isn't it comforting to know they will recognize us immediately for who we were and who we will eternally be, and how perfect we will all be?  Amazing...  Amazing Grace!

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Hello everyone,

Anne,

Thank you for your message.   Your Fujis, is so handsome.   I don't know about your questions  I've wonder why the Lord did not intervene for Danielle then I stop and think.  The LORD did INTERVENE!!  Danielle WON, she won the prize!!  She was just ahead of me.   She no longer has to live in this sin cursed world.  That's not to say I don't miss her and if I had my will she would be her long passed by departure.  I hope this makes sense. 

Trish - I've already prayed for a better day for you.

Oneta - I've prayed for you a peaceful rest.

Claudia - Your pictures are great. 

The message today at church was by a guest speaker and it was about how we should live the life that anyone could tell that we are Christians.  Which to me means Christ like.  How very hard that is to truely live like Christ.  No matter how hard I try but I strive to be the best Christian I can be.  I feel like I've become very self centered since Danielle has gone to be with her Lord.  I pray for you all and I pray for my peace and for the people in my church but how do I pray for them?  I say there name and ask for what the need then I pour my heart out to the Lord about Danielle and how I could not do it without him.  He know that and I know that.  I'm going to try today to be in full prayer for my fellow christians in what they need.  My poor brother and sister this morning went to the alter and was praying for me and asking the Lord to give me what I needed and I feel like the Lord has helped me so much!!  I should be praying for them they lost their niece!  

I guess I win the prize for being long winded today, sorry!  I love each of you!

Prayers to all!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)  

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4everjoeysmom

Sonya,  There are many Scriptures that encourage us to pray for ourselves, so that we may obtain no limit to His strength, wisdom, peace, joy, and protection.  We are also encouraged to pray for one another.  Given how soon after it is since danielle's homegoing, it's perectly ok and expected that you should be lifting yourself up to the Throne of God.  You're not only doing that, but you are offering Him your prayers in thanksgiving, and that's truly a gift.  Of course you should be praying for everyone else that God lays on your heart at the time, but not our of guilt for feeling you should do that more, but simply in the moment is sufficient.  We may not know exactly why God is laying someone on our heart to pray for in regards to specifics, but God knows their need.  To simply pray for God to meet their need, if that's all the strength you have in the moment to pray for, its suffucient, because His grace is sufficient.  Don;t beat yourself up by setting regulations on yourself for what you should and shouldn't be doing.  It's ok to take notice that you should pray more for others right now, and if God is leading you to do that, how wonderful.  But if we are trying to do things in our own power because we feel like we should or because we are burdoned, we may find ourselves being discouraged because we can't meet our own expectation.  Let the Holy Spirit be your guide.  It may be that the Spirit is guiding you to focus on your prayer right now for yourself and His will in your life, and that would be sufficient.  It may be that one moment today He guides you to lift up a prayer for someone else, and that's wonderful.  But if it doesn't come so easily right now, don't beat yourself up.

I had a time in my grief when I couldn't pray.  It's normal.  And Scripture tells us when we can't pray that the Spirit intercedes for us.  It's true!  I had to let the Spirit do His work in me and bring me back to a heart of prayer and worship before I could pray for others intercessory.  I'm not suggesting that it's best to focus only on our needs and such.  But I am encouraging you that if it doesn't come so easily right now, it's ok.  Just let the Spirit pray for you and listen for guidance.  He does know your heart.  But He still wants to hear your prayers and offerings of thanksgiving to Him.  When He gives us healing and more strength and wisdom, we can feel ourselves being guided by Him in our intercessory prayer.  His words become ours as we pray.  That truly is when we can know we are praying in His will.

Blessings for Spirit-filled peace, Love, Claudia

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Claudia,

And this is why I love this thread. You are so wise. Thank you for your encouraging words.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

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Hello all.  Sonya and everyone else, I so agree with what Claudia has said.  We should always be praying for others, but at this time in our lives we must also ask the Lord daily, minute-by-minute to give us the strength to live each day in a way that would please Him.  I was like Claudia said for a long time, unable to pray on my own.  I do not come from a litergical background, but at this time in my life I actually found that written prayers and following a prayer book helped me so much.  Also, we're told that there are times when we cannot pray, and the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groans and prays for us.  The prayer book I use has prayers for many situations in life.  It has some wonderful prayers for the bereaved that I have used.  The prayer book has sections just for reading, too.  In the section on bereavement, it tells us to be very gentle with those who are grieving, and if we are the ones who are grieving, to be gentle with ourselves.  There have been many times when I have had to apply that and needed to hear that.  We can beat ourselves up if we listen to the acusing voice of the Enemy.

Thanks to everyone who said they would pray for me to be able to sleep.  I didn't get much sleep last night again, but realized it was because I was getting sick.  I thought it was just allergies, but it dawned on me about 2 a.m. that it was much more than just allergies.  It has been shown that when we are grieving, our bodies are much more suseptible to illness, so we really have to take extra care of ourselves to stay in good health.

May God bless each of you throughout the day today.  ~Oneta

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Hello all.  Sonya and everyone else, I so agree with what Claudia has said.  We should always be praying for others, but at this time in our lives we must also ask the Lord daily, minute-by-minute to give us the strength to live each day in a way that would please Him.  I was like Claudia said for a long time, unable to pray on my own.  I do not come from a litergical background, but at this time in my life I actually found that written prayers and following a prayer book helped me so much.  Also, we're told that there are times when we cannot pray, and the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groans and prays for us.  The prayer book I use has prayers for many situations in life.  It has some wonderful prayers for the bereaved that I have used.  The prayer book has sections just for reading, too.  In the section on bereavement, it tells us to be very gentle with those who are grieving, and if we are the ones who are grieving, to be gentle with ourselves.  There have been many times when I have had to apply that and needed to hear that.  We can beat ourselves up if we listen to the acusing voice of the Enemy.

Thanks to everyone who said they would pray for me to be able to sleep.  I didn't get much sleep last night again, but realized it was because I was getting sick.  I thought it was just allergies, but it dawned on me about 2 a.m. that it was much more than just allergies.  It has been shown that when we are grieving, our bodies are much more suseptible to illness, so we really have to take extra care of ourselves to stay in good health.

May God bless each of you throughout the day today.  ~Oneta

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Hello all.  Sonya and everyone else, I so agree with what Claudia has said.  We should always be praying for others, but most especially at this time in our lives we must also ask the Lord daily, minute-by-minute to give us the strength to live each day in a way that would please Him.  I was like Claudia said for a long time, unable to pray on my own.  I do not come from a litergical background, but at this time in my life I actually found that written prayers and following a prayer book helped me so much.  Also, we're told that there are times when we cannot pray, and the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groans and prays for us.  The prayer book I use has prayers for many situations in life.  It has some wonderful prayers for the bereaved that I have used.  The prayer book has sections just for reading, too.  In the section on bereavement, it tells us to be very gentle with those who are grieving, and if we are the ones who are grieving, to be gentle with ourselves.  There have been many times when I have had to apply that and needed to hear that.  We can beat ourselves up if we listen to the acusing voice of the Enemy.

Thanks to everyone who said they would pray for me to be able to sleep.  I didn't get much sleep last night again, but realized it was because I was getting sick.  I thought it was just allergies, but it dawned on me about 2 a.m. that it was much more than just allergies.  It has been shown that when we are grieving, our bodies are much more suseptible to illness, so we really have to take extra care of ourselves to stay in good health.

May God bless each of you throughout the day today.  ~Oneta

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Hi all

I have been away from internet access because we away from home for my husband's knee surgery.  I found a hot spot here so I thought I would say hi and let you know my husband is in surgery right now for his knee revision.  I pray that God will indeed work all things together in this situation for his glory.  :)

Sal

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I'm just really missing my husband today...  Some days are just like that.  I think all of you understand that feeling of it being a little more acute some days than others.  :(

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Claudia, Akita's puppies are so sweet! Have fun with them while they are so cute.:cool:

Sal, hope your husband's knee surgery has gone well and he is making good progress.I know knees can be tricky sometimes.

Hello to all my dear friends on here, nothing much to share except thanks for being here and some scripture that may touch your heart.

I have this verse in my kitchen and I hang onto every word:

He heals the broken hearted, binding up their wounds.

Psalm 147 v3

We have placed a special bench close to where we have laid Jamie to rest and have put a small plaque on it that simply says

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted    Psalm 34 v 18

God knows all about our broken hearts doesn't he?

Love Anne

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Sal

I hope your husband's surgery goes well today. I've already said a pray for him.

Oneta - I so sorry you are having a bad day. Hopefully it will get better tomorrow.

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Anne,

I enjoyed the verse thanks for sharing it with us. Danielle is in a new grave yard she is only the second person buried there. I've been thinking about placing a bench there. Did you put a picture of Jamie on his headstone?

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4everjoeysmom

Yes, Anne, God does know ALL about our broken hearts.  It's comforting to know He knows us by name.

Sonya, I think a bench is a beautiful idea for Danielle's site, and especially because it would be beautiful for others to see as their loved ones bodies are  rested in that new place.  And I'm glad you found what I shared earlier this morning to be helpful for you.  I listened to a wonderful sermon on spiritual gifts last night as I got into bed.  I guess I am one who has multiple gifts, predominantly administration and hospitality are what most people that know me notice.  But since losing Joey God is developing something more of me, and I am excited to learn more about using my gifts to become more Christlike.  I pray God will continue to develop in me His wisdom and the gift to encourage others in difficult and confusing times.  There has been no greater medicine for me in my healing journey than to know something I've shared of Jesus has lifted someone up.

Sal, I too am praying for your husband, and you too.  I hope you are able to get some rest as you will be doing some extra caretaking for a while from the sound of it.

Oneta, praying for your wellness.  Have you ever tried Airborne?  I found it in a new Hot Apple Cider flavor when I was in the States, and I really like that one.  It is best taken when you feel run down and before you get sick, so having it on hand is good.  But it's also full of good herbs and electrolytes to boost your immune system back up.  There is also pink grapefruit and citrus flavor.

I've had a very busy day.  We had some missionary visitors today that are coming again for a small overnight retreat next week--sort of a planning session.  So, I was up early to get started with some extra cleaning for their arrival, as in the rainy season I have to really keep up with things.   I actually woke at 4:45 this morning because I heard our dog Millie and her puppies.  They are right under our bedroom window.  I couldn't go back to sleep, so I hopped online and wrote while I sipped a cup of coffee.  About 6:00 I heard Millie crying again and went to check on her.  She was sitting outside of her whelping box where the babies are.  I slipped on shoes and went outside and apparently she birthed a stillborn puppy not long before.  She had cleaned him up very well, but he was dead.  A fourth puppy...we had no idea.  He came almost 24 hours after the first three.  I'm thankful she didn't have complications, because I realize how dangerous that could have been for her.  But I couldn't help myself for being sad and somewhat in shock.  I've never had a dog to have puppies before, which was exciting.  But the stillbirth of another one much later....  well, anyway, mama and the three pups are doing great.  We burried the fourth (a little boy) in our new garden.  Needless to say, I am pooped.  It's been a full day, so I'll be checking into bed early tonight.  Oh!  We have 2 girls and 1 boy puppy.  The boy has been named Rambo.  My husband is keeping him.  I thought that was cute to share...  :)  Bless you, my Sisters!

 

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Sonya, I am in raleigh, nc near garner,nc, almost into garner. I have no clue if that is near you. Let me know. I would love to meet you if possible. My cell phone #is 440-477-1729. I am not always near a computer because I am doing outreach marketing so I am all over.

Patti-bigmikesmom

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4everjoeysmom

Patti, I lived in Holly Springs, which is VERY close to Garner, and I stayed for a couple of months in Fuquay-Varina, during my transition from seeling our home to coming here, and F-V is between Holly Springs and Garner.  I know the area really well.  How exciting that you are there.  I was there for a week before Christmas.  Wish I could be there now to meet you.  I hope you are enjoying your time there.  Love, Claudia

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Hello everyone,

I've had no time for the computer for a few days and am trying to catch up with all of your postings. 

I put the same scripture from Psalms that I believe you mentioned, Anne ("The Lord is close to the brokenhearted...") on Matt's side of the boys' grave stone.  When Matt died we were able to buy the plot that was at the head of Phil's plot, so we ended up burying them head to head, and placing one stone, carved front and back.  Apparently that is not the traditional way of placing people, since they are all supposed to face the same direction, but we wanted their heads to be close together.    Phil's scripture is "...and the last shall be first", chosen because Phil would often put his own needs last -- not the exact meaning in context of the scripture, but I believe it's OK.

On the question of wondering why God did not intervene to save our loved ones...I guess I have not struggled with that question a lot.  Or when I think of it, I try to think of God's great love for us and how He intervened ultimately on the cross.  I guess I have to look at the whole cosmic picture, or else I would not be able to survive the pain.  And then too, I think of how the Lord was there to pick up both of my boys and take them to His heaven, forever safe.  I can imagine how that took place and it helps.  I also believe that not one of us dies on the wrong day.  The fact that God is in control, that He is sovereign over all does help me also.  

On the night that Matt died my Mom came into my house, collapsed into a chair and sobbed, "How could God let this happen to us again?"  I didn't have any response to it, but I vaguely remember thinking that it was a strange question.   Somehow, in the midst of horrendous numbing emotional turmoil, I had not thought to ask that question, and when I heard it posed, I did not identify with it.  I don't know why I have this attitude, and sometimes I think I'm definitely the weird one out because I don't question God on this.  What do you think?  Am I lacking something?  Or is it strong faith?  I do feel that God has blessed me with a pretty strong faith.  Maybe it is that simple.

I have to run!  You are all in my prayers and I thank our sweet Savior once again for my fellow grievers.    Love in Christ, Rody

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4everjoeysmom

Rody, I believe God has given you the spiritual gift of Faith.  There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with not questioning.  You simply and faithfully believe and trust in God's sovereignty.  That is a gift by God's grace.  Not everyone has that gift so deeply as you do.  In fact, I've seen that kind of faith not very often.  Most of us do or have questioned from time to time.  Feel blessed instead of not normal.  I'm excited for you!!!

Your description of how you positioned and inscribed the headstone shared by your sons sounds perfect.  Your Scripture choices seem to fit perfectly by what you've described.  :)

 

 

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Good morning to everyone.

On the question of why God does not intervene, like you, Rody, I also have not really struggled with that question so much.  I've had it flit across my mind, but it never really sticks there.  I see God's goodness in so many areas of my life, it's hard for me to "blame him" when something like this occurs.  I just think that those I love are with Him, and how wonderful for them that is!  I miss them terribly, especially my husband, but I know that they're safe in His arms, and that's what counts to me.  I agree with Claudia that it is rare to not struggle with that question, but I just never have.  There is a book that has pretty recently come out that deals with this question.  It's a novel, so it's easier to read than a big theological book that most of us can't dig our way through.  It's called "The Shack".  I forget who wrote it.  I warn you now it's a little different, and you have to put your preconceived notions about God aside to get anything from it.  It's about a man whose daughter is kidnapped and murdered.  Her family, of course, goes through all the pain and stress of that loss, and some of them struggle with the guilt of thinking they caused it to happen.  Her father, who had some father issues growing up, blames God and is very angry at God for "taking" her.  His wife has a very strong faith and never questions God's goodness like he does and is able to accept it better.  The father gets a "note" from God in the mailbox asking him to come meet Him at the shack where she was taken after the abduction, and he goes.  There he meets God in a very unconventional way, and God helps him overcome his anger and guilt and helps bring him to a place of acceptance.  It's come under fire from some who say it is heretical because when the father first meets God, God presents himself as a woman, but the reason for that is because God knows of this man's problem with accepting God as a father because of his earthly father's abuse.  God realizes that this man wasn't hurt by his mother like he was his father, so doesn't have a problem with women and can relate to God as a mother.  I warned you it's different.  But you know, God is pictured as a mother in at least one place in the Bible, so the author is just trying to overcome the man's hatred of his earthly father in presenting himself as a woman.  Later in the book, he also presents himself as a man because he says he needs a father that day.  Like I say, it's very unconventional, but I loved it.  I could hardly put it down.  I read it in about two days.  It might help some of you who are really dealing with this issue.  I just thought I'd throw it out there.  By the way, it's a good read even if you aren't struggling with that.  Like I said, I don't have the problem of wondering why God took my husband, but I loved the book.  If you've lost anyone dear to you, you can identify with this man's pain.

Sonya, I also love the scripture and the way you placed your sons graves.  Most graves face east because traditionally people have believed that Jesus will return in the east, and the dead will rise to face him in the east.  I didn't used to know that.  Three years ago I moved my husband's grave so Jack and I could both be buried there so I could be buried by both of my husbands and not have to pick which one I would be buried next to.  That's when I found out that in all cemeteries, the graves face east.  But you have put your boys head to head, and that's nice.  I like that.

I'm feeling better today, both physically and emotionally.  Thanks to all who prayed for me.  I'm getting my kitchen torn up today because I'm getting new cabinets.  Like so many things, they have to make a big mess before they can make it pretty.  I'll be without a "kitchen" for about a month.  No cabinets, no countertop, no water, etc. 

Praying that everyone has a good day.

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Rody - I felt quite moved when I read that you had put that verse  on Matts head stone.It wasn't a verse I was familiar with before, but of all the cards and letters sent to us with scriptures on them after Jamie's death, that was one verse that really connected with me.  I think you have a wonderful faith that is sustaining you, praise God for it, don't question it. I would like to be in that place too but I do seem to struggle with so many questions, I had such a rock solid faith before and committed my life to God as a young girl, but this loss has rocked me.But I am hanging on fast, faith not feelings..... Being able to share these thoughts with you precious folk does help so much.

Danielle's mum- yes we have a picture of Jamie on his head stone.I wanted to show everyone how gorgous he was forever! It's not yet common practise to do so in the UK but people are beginning to do it especially for youngsters. It was so difficult deciding what to do as a lasting memorial but we are happy with the result, simple words and a couple of lines from one of his favourite worship songs, I doubt you'll know it- but it says"at the foot of the cross, where I am made complete."I believe it to be true.

Jamie would sing and play it on the piano beautifully- it's called Ashes to Roses.

We have also had a picture etched on to the stone, which is quite special.I may try toput a photo of  it on a posting to share.

Well Patti and Sonya- another strange link- my maiden name is Garner.I didn't know there was a place too!

Love to all

Anne

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Jeff's surgery went well.  Thank you all for praying.  He is hurting today especially after PT got him up.  Pain control is always a difficult issue for him. 

I also have not questioned God in allowing Joshua's death as much as I have been so sad without him.  I truly believe God knows what he is doing and all things do work together for the good of those who are called according to his purposes.  I just hate that I have to go through this loss.  I want my son here.  I miss him.  I turned on the radio this morning and heard the song about only having 100 years to live and I thought,  what if you only have 10 like my son.  That song always makes me sad. 

Our memorial stone isn't finished yet.  We will have Joshua's picture on it and have "to be absent from the body is to be present with Christ" on the back side.  On the front by his name we will have...onto his greatest adventure.  He was an adventurer at heart and love to explore, hike and travel.  He had to see what was over the next hill.   

God gifts each differently and allows us to grow in different ways through our losses. 

Grace and peace to you

Sal

 

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Anne,  The way you decribe how you've done your son's stone sounds beautiful to me.  Everyone has done what brings them comfort and expresses either their own faith or the faith of their children, which I think is wonderful!  Putting pictures on gravestones is not really practiced much in Oklahoma or Texas where I'm from, although it used to be in the past.  I had a brother who died before I was even born.  He died in '46.  My mother put his picture on his gravestone.  I've not seen that done too much, but I think it's a wonderful idea.  I actually thought of putting our wedding picture on my husband's stone since I will be buried next to him.  I haven't done it, though.

Questions of faith of some type are pretty normal, I think, when people are going through what we've gone through.  I personally haven't questioned God's goodness in regard to the death of my 25-year-old husband, but I certainly have questioned many other things.  It really forces a person to grapple with the promises of Scripture and makes you decide if you really believe them or not.  If you haven't gone through this type of loss or some other kind of faith-testing situation, what good is it to say you believe something when what you believe hasn't really been tested?  You know what they say about gold and silver - that all the impurities have to be burned out of them before they are pure.  It's the same way with us.  What comes out, though, is precious to our Father.  It's not the questioning that is bad.  The questioning is only the fire that tests our faith.  It's part of running the race that Paul talks about in 2 Timothy:  "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for His appearing."

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Sal, You were writing yours as I was writing mine.  I like what you've done also.  I love that verse!  I always think of that when I visit Lamar's grave.  I remind myself that he isn't here; he's with the Lord.  He's absent from his body, but he's with the Lord.  Isn't that such a wonderful promise!  I'm so glad we have this assurance.

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4everjoeysmom

I too am ever grateful for the comfort of our promises and assurance from the Lord.

Everyone who is sharing what you've done for your beloveds in terms of stone markers is so beautiful.  Joey's dad, brother and I decided to have Joey cremated.  It was what was best for all of us and truly what we felt Joey would have liked.  We had a private ceremony the morning after his memorial, when his ashes were delivered to us.  the three of us plus our spouses (and my surviving son's girlfriend) said what was on our hearts.  I carried and clutrhed the box and afterward Joey's dad walked out, opened the box and let Joey's ashes be carried by the wind across the horse pasture at the family ranch where Joey loved and raised his horses through the years.  It was so precious.

I know there still exists across Christianity a certain controversy on creamation.  But for us it was a very personal choice, and it was blessed by God, without a hesitation of doubt.  I lean on God's grace and knowing that Joey's perfect body is given to him regardless of what happened to his body here on this earth.  All things are possible in Christ, and Joey is definitely in Christ...

I think in some way it has been softer on our immediate family for having done things the way we were led.  We never saw Joey's body after.  We released his ashes in a way that honored his love and life here.  And when we want to go to "his final resting place here" it's a beautiful pasture filled with the beautiful creatures he loved, and it's peaceful and comforting.  It's not like denial or anything of the sort, but it has really allowed me to look for Joey and see him more often in his eternal state rather than how or where his body rests here.  And so truly I feel he has gone away for a time, (died from this life but not dead).  I know by Scripture and God's promise I will see Joey again.  But something about our choice makes that vision so much more imagineable and obtainable in our thoughts and hearts on a permanent basis as we journey forward in grief and healing.  That probably sounds so strange...  I guess its one of those things thats almost impossible to describe.  But maybe in knowing me better, you'll understand...

I think I felt a softness in hearing about everyone's grave sites, and I just wanted to share my tender heart for what we did for Joey....

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It's true that in Christianity there exists some weird kind of thinking that cremation is not what God would want.  Some even feel it's "unscriptural".  (Not sure where they get that thinking...)  Although it is not something I personally would choose for myself or for a family member, I can see why some would prefer cremation.  My husband is buried in the town I was born in where many of my father's relatives are also buried.  My current husband and I will both be buried there some day.  It gives me a lot of comfort to go there twice a year or so and put things out that beautify his grave.  I've put out little crosses, little plaques, little angel statues, lots of flowers, etc.  I've tried to make it look like a little miniature garden in the middle of the cemetery.  My daughter says that she prefers cremation over burial because (1) she feels it is "cleaner" than the body decaying somewhere in a grave.  (2) She feels it is a better echological choice, which she feels strongly that Christians need to be concerned about, rather than the traditional Christian thinking, "Who cares?  It's all gonna be burned up someday anyway."  I've kidded with her and told her that if for some reason she were to die before me, they would have to bury her or I'd be very upset.  Now what I'm about to say is totally irrational, but these are truely my feelings.  I don't like cremation personally because I have an irrational fear of being burned alive.  I know, I know...  I won't be burned alive if I'm dead, but I told you it's irrational.  On the serious side, though, I don't see anything at all wrong with it as a valid choice.  I can see where what you did for Joey was very beautiful, just as the various ways of burial were also beautiful.  The reason given by a lot of Christians against cremation is the raising of the eternal body, which they say you can't do without a body.  That doesn't "hold water" because think of all the people who are killed in explosions, aren't embalmed for some reason - maybe financial but could be any reason, buried at sea or whatever.  Obviously, if God created our bodies to begin with, there is no problem with Him re-creating them for our glorified bodies.  So to each his own as far as burial thinking is concerned.  As long as we're honoring our loved ones and honoring God, it's up to each person/family.  Both can be beautiful, both can be meaningful, both can help the grieving deal with the loss in it's own special way.  I've enjoyed hearing how each of you showed your love in the memorial service and how burial was performed.  Oneta

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4everjoeysmom

Oneta, like you, I think the controversy comes from man's thinking and is not scripturally based.  There is very little Scripture dealing with the subject, but nothing conclusive as to whether it's good or bad.  In the case of King Saul and his sons, they were creamted to honor their bodies from being defiled later.  For me personally, I contend with not making arguments from silence where Scripture does not say specifically, like in this case.  It's so many of these arguments from silence with no Scripture to reproof it or hold it to be truth that begins the long list of legalism.  I just focus on God's Grace, and what is truth by His Word to draw my conclusions and act accordingly when His grace gives me the wisdom to do so.  In the long run, either way, we return to ash, therefore resurrection of the body is pure and simply a miracle by any means, whether resurrected from ash in the earth or ash in the wind.  :)  Bless you!  I'm glad you're feeling better.

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TO: Claudia

 I happened to see you were online now.  I recently read your older posts about Joey's death and the circumstances surrounding it.  I wanted you to know how terribly sad I felt for Joey, even hours after I read your post. I thought about you , too. Good mothers are there for their sons, every day of their lives, from the day they are born, to the day they leave the nest and beyond ~ we tend to all their daily needs, forsaking the needs and desires of our own and even those of our own husbands/significant others.  Sound to me like you did all you could for your sons, always - always there for them, bearing the primary custodial privilege yet hardship of raising them on your own, all  those formidable years, with no help. Nineteen years was a long time to forsake companionship of another man.  I don't know if most women could have done, what you did. I'm sure Joey and Patrick appreciated your unselfishness, dedication and devotion to them all those years, over anybody else.  I'm sure your ex-husband also appreciates your forgiveness, to the point you can grieve together, when the moment arises, like when you spread Joey's ashes at the ranch. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that if I could invent a time machine, I would share it with you and everyone else on here ~ right after I used it myself.  Until then, I offer up my own pain and suffering to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, as the Church's Saints have prescribed us to do.

PAX

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4everjoeysmom

AngelGirl, Thank you for your prayers and your response.  Without laying it all out there at the moment, I can't take credit for a lot of things.  The boys actually grew up on their dad's ranch (until college) and spent their weekends with me.  We lived in very close proximity until they were in high school.  I didn't remarry because I had years and years of issues to work through, plus God hadn't blessed me with "the one".  I was as dysfunctional as relationships were for me through some of those years.  I was not a Christian through that time.  I made a ton of mistakes.  But you are definitely right in that I love my children with all my heart.  God protected us and showed us a lot of grace and mercy along the way.  My boys and I have been very, very close.  I say a lot of times that I grew up with them.  We are definitely an example of God's grace, ME especially.

Through the years their dad and I worked through personal feelings and laid everything down for the sake of our children.  I think that is how our kids benefited the very most.  They had two parents, apart, yet uniform in communication so there was never an opportunity for play against the parents--he said, she said kind of stuff.  We talked often enough to ward off that kind of thing.  We had our share of problems with Joey, but we "shared" the responsibility, no matter where the kids were.  Their dad and I remain very good friends to this day, and in fact my husband and I stayed with him and his wife for most of the time we were home for Joey's memorial.

My true salvation came 3 months after I married my now-husband.  I had studied the Bible and thought I was a Christian before then, but I couldn't possibly have been.  Because after I received the Spirit EVERYTHING changed in me.  It's been a process over time, but essentially over 5 years of living as a Christian, I have surrendered my life to His service.  Jesus has led me to profound conversion.  People who have known me all of my life, some think I am strange, for sure.  "I got religion". they probably say.  My family, some accepted my choices, some struggled, but all are supportive.  Some who knew me through only parts of the time don't know me anymore, or most likely think who I was then is who I still am--especially those who don't know Christ.  But they truly don't know the me who has been born in Christ.  And those that have known me since my rebirth, they have seen me grow leaps and bounds in my relationship with Christ.  They have witnessed my baby steps and my giant leaps.  But those who have witnessed my greatest conversion have been my children.  Joey was saved at 21, 2 years after I received Christ. 

I came to the mission field after my youngest graduated from jr. college and while Joey was still in school.  He was making a profession out of being a student.  :)  Actually, he wanted to go through to a Masters level at least.  He loved campus life, and he was an honor level student, though humbly refrained from clicks and clubs.  Joey died after I had been away only 3 months.  It shook my foundation, and maybe cracked me for a while, but I remained steadfast overall.  I've grown a lot even since Joey's earthly death.  And his dad and brother have both since become Christian.  My surviving son is amazing and we had a beautiful time together through the holidays.  And I spent Christmas with him at his dad and step-mom's ranch.  A full circle, I guess.

I could post a book about my life, because it has changed through the years so much.  And my children journeyed with me through that change as they grew.  It hasn't always been easy for us.  But we have always loved deeply and supported one another through the tough as well as easy times.  Joey struggled a bit with my coming to Ecuador, and that was painful for both of us.  He felt what he was striving so hard for in life--education, career, success--I was throwing away, and he just couldn't understand.  We talked only once in those three months.  I sent messages and left voice mail, but he spent a wild summer--working and playing.  What I found out a little later from his dad and friends was that he was asking people with missions experience a lot of questions, and he was journeying to work it all out withim himself, and even planning to come and see me.  I did have a special gift in that I spent very special time with Joey before I left the States, which I can see was our official good-bye.  We (those who have loved and lost) always have thoughts about what we would do and say if we knew beforehand and had just one more day with our loved ones.  Well, in my last couple of physical days with Joey, we did everything I would have done in that "one more day".  We shared so much and spent every moment relishing in quality time.  I remember the night when it was time for me to go to his brother's because I was leaving on a flight the next morning, Joey stood and waved the very saddest good-bye.  I am convinced God knew and gave us the sweetest gift in that time together.  We did get to say good-bye.  We just didn't realize it would be "THE GOOD-BYE".  I CHERISH THAT!!

If I could go back in life and change anything at all, I would want to be a Christian way back when, because I certainly have been a better, more complete person since I received the grace of Christ and the gift of His indwelling Spirit.  And as I could go on and on, I will close in saying that I am sorry if by not sharing some of these details earlier on, anyone was misled.  My situation with my kids while they were growing up was not a conventional one, but we all made it work and it was no less blessed that anyone else's.  There are definitely things I would change if I could go back.  Thankfully there is hope and eternity so that I don't have to dwell on what could have been better.  Instead of what is yet to come, there is an eternity of what is "best" to come.

Love and Comfort to you all, Claudia

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Good morning all.  I'm losing my kitchen this morning.  They're removing the old cabinets so new ones can be installed, but I'm going to be without a functional kitchen for about the next month.  I told the contractor I'm just going to try to think of this as camping.  I have all of the food I'll be able to use without a stove or running water in bags in the dining room.  Everything else is boxed up.  But the new kitchen will be wonderful! 

Claudia, I enjoyed reading your last post.  You had already shared a lot about your younger life, but it seems you still have lots to unfold.  Probably true of most everyone.  I love your attitude about the "what ifs" and "could have beens" and "wish it had been this way or that way".  We would never think of those things if we still had that person on the earth with us, but having lost them to the here and now with us we tend to always think of those things.  I admit that I do, too.  I guess it's natural to do that.  I've had so many questions and doubts over the years since my husband's death - "why didn't I do more to prevent his death?" (like I could have changed the outcome! I mean, really, we sure put a load of guilt on ourselves with that one!); "would love to have those last three days back so we could have talked some things through"; etc.  The devil spins us around and around with the "what ifs" and steals our joy.  Like Joey and all of your children, my husband has been enjoying being in the presence of Jesus all these years while I've tormented myself with guilt.  God has shown me a lot of that and slowly over the years has set me free from the self-imposed guilt.  For that I will always thank and praise Him! 

Hope everyone has a good day.  I've got to settle down now and work back in my cubby hole of an office in the bedroom while the guys make a mess of the front part of my house.  Claudia, have your guests arrived yet?  God bless everyone.  ~Oneta 

 

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4everjoeysmom

Oneta, it's kind of funny.  I often think of how much the chosen Apostles were such "misfits" in their young lives before chosen by Jesus to serve alongside Him in His ministry.  And though they stumbled, questioned, and so forth, they left huge legacies to His grace and His Kingdom.  And look at Paul!  He was a murderer of Christians before he literally saw the glory of Jesus.  I see myself as a misfit like that.  I've often noticed that some of the most radically transformed people have made some of the biggest impacts for Jesus.  I want to be like them in that way...

New kitchen cabinets...how fun!  The time getting them installed, while not very pretty, will be so worth the wonderful beauty of having a new kitchen when they are done.  Good for you!

Funny but true...  in my apartment, here in Ecuador, I have 4 cabinets above our tiny sink and stove, and 2 cabinets below the tiny sink.  They are made from pine wood that originally was crates used to ship car parts.  The inside of one cabinet door still has painted in blue stenciled block letters "GM BRASIL".  On top of the cabinets is where I keep my pots, pans, baking dishes, and such.  In the upper cabinets I keep all of our dry goods, and in the lower all of the cleaners, dog food, a propane tank (for the propane fueled oven) and other odds and ends.  I have a separate small set of 2 old bedside tables that are converted to be silverware drawer, tupperware storage and cooking baggies, wraps, etc.  And yet another tiered piece with small drawers to hold everything else and an attached side cabinet that stores our milk.  I have a 3-shelf thing that openly stores our dishes and glassware.  It's probably hard to imagine, but I can tell you it's very easy for me to imagine how wonderful it would be to have your old cabinets in my apartment.  I can only begin to imagine what your new ones could do.  :)  Poat a pic when they are done.  I'll try to find one of my kitchen to share.  It's amazing what watching a couple of years of decorating on a dime can do for you.  LOL!

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So right about the change in the Apostles and Paul.  They're our models in every way.

I have a very good friend, one of my best friends in fact, who was a missionary for 20 years in New Guinea.  She and her husband wrote an alphabet for a tribe that had no written language and then translated the NT into their language.  They had never before seen the Bible in their own native language.  20 years to do that!!  Anyway, they lived in a hut pretty much like the natives' huts except they had a generator for electricity and some wonders brought over from the States.  I never saw her house, but I can imagine her kitchen being like yours!  You will have stars in your crown that I won't have!  My house is not a fancy house by any stretch of the imagination, but an old house that we bought pretty cheaply for our "retirement" house.  Having gotten into it, I've decided we need to make some improvements while we still have income (i.e. before retirement and a fixed income), one of which has been new cabinets in the kitchen and bathrooms.  I had no idea I'd be living for a month with no kitchen.  No cabinets, no stove, no sink, nothing.  But we can't eat out for a month, so I'm going to have to improvise.  Tonight I cooked in an electric skillet and the microwave.  Coffee has to be made and dishes washed in the bathroom.  As you say, when I have the new cabinets, it'll all be worth it.  But I can live in all kinds of improvised situations except my kitchen.  I at least need to be able to find things and get to them, which is why when we've moved in the past, the kitchen is the first room that I put together.  Oh, well.  These are not the important things of life, are they?

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plz pray for me everyone i am having a real hard time lately with rude people i have meet on different chat sites. everyone here has been real nice but on a singles chat site i am on well actually 2 of them i am on, a few people have been real rude to me and it really hurt my feelings. they became real rude for no good reason at all.

 

and so tonight i am kind of down. :(

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4everjoeysmom

Hi Sheela,  I'm sorry you've been treated rudely and are so down.  People on web boards and chat sites usually tend to be very focused on their discussions and their needs, which is what drew them to that online community in the first place.  I have to admit that I've noticed, not so much on this BI thread but on others, that at times you don't engage deeply into the conversations, but rather post simple smileys, pictures, and unrelated comments.  To many this may seem not necessarily offensive, but odd.  It doesn't bother me, but I did want to try and point that out so that you might understand why some people get frustrated so easily.  They may be seeing your unconventional style of posting as some kind of disturbance to their rhythym.  Have you used a web board much in the past before losing your mom?  Because if this is something new to you, and you haven't said that, it may make a difference in how patient people may or may not be with your posts.  I don't think people mean to be rude on purpose.  I just think there is a certain rhythym to using web boards, and when that gets disturbed by a different approach, people scratch their heads, get confused, get irritated and so forth, because they don't know what to do with it and its hard for some to ignore their ideals and opinions.  This thread is definitely for hurting people, which includes you.  And it's for anyone who wants to journey with others who seek support in a Christ-centered way in dealing with their grief and healing.  I hope my attempt at explanation has not hurt your feelings.  I truly do.  I just wanted to point out some things that maybe you don't see, because maybe you have not had much experience with web boards.  My advice would be to spend some time observing any new web board that you visit and determine what is the rythym of the board, the central focus is, and if you can decide whether your post will add to the conversation or distract from it.  There are certainly others who appreciate the smileys and the hugs, and the light comments.  And then there are some that are super serious and tend not to like what they consider interruptions.  If you're unsure, then just stick with the web boards that you have felt more welcomed to and learn as you go.  For the loss you've endured, it's unnecessary to add more grief to your life when you can simply avoid it by not going back to where you have felt unwelcome.  Make sense?

I prayed for you this morning.  I hope today is a brighter day for you.  :)  Blessings and Hugs, Claudia

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Hi, Sheela.  I would only add to what Claudia said by saying that I had noticed on one thread that people were rude to you.  You were only trying to post in an encouraging way, and they didn't respond at all in the way they should have.  I've noticed on that particular thread that they have formed a little clique.  They've all been posting a couple of years by now, have formed friendships and feel very comfortable with each other.  It's sad that it would happen on a grief website, but I guess people are just people, grieving or not grieving.  Like Claudia says, they have developed a "rhythm" and anyone coming in from the outside upsets their rhythm.  Try not to take it personally.  One of the problems is it's mixing oil and water, light and darkness.  If you feel comfortable here, and I certainly hope you do, then stick with this thread.  You're more than welcome here and we love you and care about you.  Hope this helps.  Praying for you.  Love, Oneta

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ty all i wasnt talking about a thread here but on another site a singles site

(i was on american singles and then another singles site)

i have had several people be rude to me there and on another singles site as well, they are so rude when they decide that they do or do not like you they just block you and then close the window.. very rude ..

also last night my sister broke into some accounts of mine and changed all the  passwords and thought it was real funny well it wasnt, i thought someone had hacked my account and i had to call the bank to put a stop on my card's etc

it wasn't a bit funny at all i am near tears as i tell you all this - she is on drugs bad but thats no excuse she has a computer where she lives and she some how did it that way, i have since changed all my passwords etc and the security question too..

 

still though i am grieving and am having such a hard time right now i dont need that little joke to be played on me..

i just feel like crying i am having such a bad last few days and then this all..

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Hi, Sheela.  I'm so sorry to hear all about your sister and your accounts being hacked into, etc.  When a person is grieving, it is hard enough without other things being added.  I was the one who had noticed some rudeness, but I don't really think that you need to know about where it was.  It evidently didn't bother you -- maybe it was just me.  Please don't worry about it and just keep reaching out.  I'm really sorry that you've encountered rudeness on the singles sites.  I'm glad you feel you're being supported here.  Praying for you.  ~Oneta

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thanks Oneta, it helps to know that there are those out there who understand..

i didnt see the post or it would have bothered me LOL bc i am so sensative right now.. and hurting for my mom so much.. 

ty for all the prayers too, i just feel like giving up on those singles sites, i havent met a decent guy on any of them yet at all. the cute guys there wont even reply to me they are so stuck up.. and the girls there are about the same way. i guess i dont need to make any friends there huh ?

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Sheela,  I'll just tell you my daughter's experience with those sites.  She's met lots of guys on them, but none of them have been worth anything.  She's met some even on Christian singles websites, and same thing.  The Christian men on those sites seem to be very legalistic and she actually gets treated better sometimes on the nonChristian ones.  But I keep telling her that she needed to just wait for God to bring the one He wanted her to meet and that there were things she needed to take care of in her personal life before meeting another man after her divorce.  She finally decided Mom wasn't so dumb after all and quit trying.  Then she met someone she really liked getting tech support help for her new phone, of all places!  Who would have thunk it!  With your grief, you really need to just heal and grieve and not try to mix dating and meeting men with that.  It can really mix you up if you try to do both.  I tell other women who have lost husbands the same thing.  There's plenty of time to meet men after they've healed.  So I hope you don't mind this "old lady" giving you advise.  If you were my daughter, this is what I would tell you. You won't hurt my feelings at all if you totally ignore me! ~Oneta

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i know you are so right Oneta, especially about those dating sites, i will just keep praying to God to bring me someone soon, bc i feel like my heart is trying to heal and i want to move forword so badly. i am so tired of sitting and feeling sad and crying. i want to be like other young people my age i am 33. i want to meet someone so badly and move on with what is left of my life. i loved my mom so much and always will but want to go forword. it seems like her whole life she was very ill and i took care of her for most of it. so i never really had a chance to meet people and hang out.

she was exposed to very dangerous insecticides etc when she was just a baby and then till she left her parents farm to get married etc. they had very bad thing's back then that they didnt know for sure caused health issues, severe ones. so she had severe lung heart problem her whole life long.

her 1st husband died in a bad car accident with a pepsi cola truck. her 2nd man was my father he was cruel to her and beat her etc.. they divorced before i was born. i spent my whole life with just her only. with her gone now it is so very hard. my dad and sister live in the same building i do. my dad tries at times to help but he and sis are both addicts and cant really help them selves much even. i just keep thinking that if i can just meet a Godly nice man that everything will be ok and i can move on and start a new life. i guess all i can do is just keep praying on it. but i feel so guilty and bad if i dont try to stay proactive and look on those stupid sites, that sounds so ridiculous and it is.. i could almost laugh at it now that i am typing it. its like a daily job duty to me to go and start hunting down a guy on those sites, first i get up and check one site then get up and check another site and on it goes.. its sounds so ridicoulous.. its just that i never get anywhere at all but to church in order to meet someone bc i dont want to go to bars, clubs, that sort of thing etc. i am very limited. and since i dont have the means to go to expensive places with fancy clothes on i feel very limited in what i can do. i guess i am just grasping at straws a lot bc of immense loneliness.  i will keep your advice i know you are right..

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Sheela, I admire your convictions about finding a godly man.  God will bring him to you if you trust him to.  I know that sounds so trite and easy.  I'm not the one who is lonely.  But I really believe it's true.  You're the same age as my daughter who has had the man problems, too.  She didn't listen to her dad and me when she was a teenager and young 20s and married her daughter's daddy.  He stayed with her two years and then split.  He hardly has anything to do with my granddaughter who is about the cutest thing you ever saw!  There's no reason for a father to not be in his kid's lives.  You know because you have been there.  But you sure don't want to end up like your mom and get some loser.  My feeling on the single's sites is that even the Christian ones can be really hard on a young woman.  The men my daughter has met are very legalistic about her having been married before with a child.  They tell her she shouldn't ever remarry.  They say that since divorce is against God's law, it doesn't matter what the reasons were for the breakup, she should stay single the rest of her life.  I think that's terrible.  They have done more to tear down her self esteem than any of the nonChristian men she's met over the years. 

Are you in a good church with a good single's program?  That would be a good thing for you, maybe.  It would be good just to give you Christian friends and get you out of the house and give you support.  And when the time was right, "He" might just appear.  Hang in there.  God knows your heart and knows you have put Him first.  ~Oneta

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