I've lost my girlfriend on 13.05 in car accident... and I can not stop thinking about.

[Andriy]

Hi everyone. 

I want to share my story with you because I can't do anything else.  I do not know how not to lose myself because of the loss of my girlfriend.  She was only 22 years old, I am 23. Everything happened too spontaneously.  There is a war going on in my country right now (I'm from Ukraine), an old friend of my girlfriend came on vacation from the war for a couple of days and offered to meet before he returns further to the war.  Since we made the decision together, we agreed.  We and another couple of our friends agreed to meet together and go.  On the way back, when we were returning home, this guy violated the traffic rules and we got into the terrible accident with a huge truck.  I woke up in the hospital, but my beloved did not wake up half a day later, she died...  Her parents called me and told me about it. I just instantly lost the meaning of further existence .  We met at the university, she was my first love and we were together for almost exactly 3 years.  She was  24/7 with me, we always wanted to be and to do everything together. I didn't need absolutely no one when she was by my side.  Now, almost two weeks later, I feel terribly alone and guilty about what happened.  I still can't believe she's gone.  Sometimes I calm down and switch to something else, but when I see any photo of her, I can't stop crying.  I still have the feeling that she is alive, just not with me now, that she will come.  But then, nevertheless, I return to reality and understand that I will never see her again. I'm terribly lonely and sad. I just don’t understand how  to live a normal life after this ... 

[Gail 8588]

Andriy,

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so tragic to lose your love at such a young age. Your life together was just beginning. 

On top of this crushing personal loss, your country is under such a brutal attack. There is no normal life.  

Under normal life conditions, the death of a partner can be life-shattering, confusing, unbearable.  Even with all of the normal support of friends and family, societal rituals of funerals, memorial services, the death of a partner can feel unreal. I can hardly imagine how it is for you to try to deal with this immense loss in the midst of a war. 

Try to be kind to yourself. This is not your fault. In grief we all tend to blame ourselves for this terrible outcome.  If only I had done something different, she would be here. Why didn't I . . . If only I had . . . These thoughts torture all of us.  Try to remember that it is not your fault.  Be kind to yourself. Eat healthy food if you can, try to get sleep.  I don't know how difficult these things are for you with the war going on, but try to take care of yourself as best you can.  Her death is very much like a traumatic brain injury to you.  You need time to heal from that as well as from any physical injuries you suffered in the crash. 

 I'll be praying for you.

Gail

[KayC]

@Andriy  I am so sorry for your loss...my path is different in that it took me until my 40s to meet my soulmate, and then lost him just 6 1/2 years later, suddenly/unexpectedly.  Now I'm turning 70 and growing old alone, 17 years after he died.  It seems life had different plans than we did, it was a shock and I had not a clue where/how to do this, none of us did.  The facts and circumstances vary, yet we're all basically going through the same thing, how to live when our person is ripped from us.

It's good that you came here...you're in a war torn country, which is heartbreaking enough, you see devastation all around, but now the biggest loss is right there inside your heart.  I'm glad you came here because this is the place you can talk about what you're going through and feeling and know that others get it and understand...and care.  My family had not suffered loss of their partners, they cared but didn't have a clue what it was like.  All of our friends disappeared overnight, my two best friends not even bothering to attend his funeral before deserting me!  It was a harsh awakening.  I found grief has a way of rewriting your address book.  It sounds weird, but perhaps there you won't find that the case, you can't escape from it there in these times, but the one positive may be that people understand better what you're feeling?  You are from a people who are survivors, they have been through much, and still going through it.  My heart goes out to you with all of this.  

Since my George passed, I have learned more than in the rest of my life put together...the survival skills I learned (take one day at a time) have aided me when I have gone through other things since...I just lost my closest sister & best friend, she's been there all my life, she was disabled and had dementia, I took care of her....now she's suddenly gone too.  What I learned from my grief journey I'm having to use again.  Grief has a beginning but not an ending, but the pain gradually lessens into something we can better manage...I can't say when as we're all unique, so are our coping skills, but it does happen eventually.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

I do want to add that most all of us go through all of the "what ifs" in early grief in an effort to find some different possible ending as the one that happened is unfathomable....only to find there really is only one outcome and that's the outcome that happened.
 

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

[EdieShavonne]

I am deeply sorry. I too am experiencing all of these things as I lost my "Chuck" (husband) on 4/9 two days after our anniversary. 

[Ronni_W]

OMG, Andriy!

There really isn't anything of sense or logic or comfort that can come from people not in Ukraine, right now. I have a friend in Moldova, and haven't heard from him for a few months. I know that it is not the same as for me, no matter how "traumatic" was my own loss here in Canada. Almost all people, but not all persons, just do not even get that they do not get it.     (There is a different post of mine somewhere on this site, of how much I respect and admire your Vlad Zelensky! I don't know if he will be able to inspire you at all, during your personal very difficult time that you are going through right now.)

I think...Is there some way that you can or may be able to find some kind of meaning -- not really meaning meaning for your own existence (right at the moment), but to make your late girlfriend's life count, in a more-or-less way that your/our Vlad is making every single life of every single Ukrainian count? (That is, to find meaning of life on Earth make any sense at all, in the bigger picture that our/your Vlad is and has been seeing, since 24 February?)

I don't know, Andriy. I only know that I don't know.     I send you all of my love and all of my hugs.   And every single ounce of strength that this Universe/Cosmos has, to send you.     Ronni

Edited May 30, 2022 by Ronni_W
Clarification, and spellinks :-)